Should you stay with your spouse

[Popsicle]

if you don't love them anymore?

 

Would like to get everyone's opinion on this.

[dichotomy]

What do you consider love?

[Popsicle]

What do you consider love?

 

Whatever you feel love is...

[central]

If you don't love your spouse, then move on. It's great if you are IN love, but sometimes love is sufficient - of course, many people do break up (or cheat) when they lose the IN love feeling.

 

We've agreed to stay together as long as we both love each other. And we've agreed that if we find someone truly better for either of us, we'll move on. We will stay together because we choose to stay, not because we think we must.

[love4eva]

if you don't love them anymore?

 

Would like to get everyone's opinion on this.

 

 

how do you know you don't love them anymore?

 

 

to answer your question..i think you should stay with them.

 

 

if were talking marriage..i honestly believe it's a commitment for life

 

 

if I was to be a douchebag i could ask this question:

 

 

Should i still look after my 2 kids...when i don't love them anymore?

 

 

I personally think love never dies at all..just goes thru phases...a bit like the teenager that says "i hate you" at 16 to parents and then 20 years later they are crying at funeral (true story, my sister).

 

 

and no I'm not being a smartarse with the kids question....I love my wife foreva and my kids but I have a very special bond with my wife.

[basil67]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there are usually reasons why a person falls out of love. I mean, if both parties in a marriage are compatible, give their best to the marriage, respect each other and their needs I can't see why they'd fall out of love.

 

So, if I fell out of love I would leave. Not because I don't love them - but because of the reasons behind the love dying.

[basil67]

I should add that when I left my first husband, I discovered that marriage vows didn't mean a whole lot to me. Life's too long and with too many uncertainties for me to ever again make a promise of 'till death do us part'. I mean, what if you make that promise to someone who turns into an arsehole?

[road]

If you don't love your spouse, then move on. It's great if you are IN love, but sometimes love is sufficient - of course, many people do break up (or cheat) when they lose the IN love feeling.

 

We've agreed to stay together as long as we both love each other. And we've agreed that if we find someone truly better for either of us, we'll move on. We will stay together because we choose to stay, not because we think we must.

 

 

There is no for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or health, there is no marriage.

[BettyDraper]

Marriage is hard work and sometimes a couple may not feel loving towards each other, but they choose to stay together because of their commitment and try to fall in love again. Love ebbs and flows as life changes.

 

Love is a verb and a choice. The first two years of our marriage was very hard. I'm so glad that we stuck things out until it slowly improved. We chose to draw closer to each other during the rough times and now we have come out on the other side. Each day, my husband and I fall in love with each other in different ways.

[bluefeather]

that is very hard to answer. but I don't think there is a should. it's more "would."

 

and for me to go any further, I would have to put my head down and reach deep into my mind, and then my soul... way too tired for that right now, plus that's more a late night convo type of thing, not a typing thing, imo. and I would have to ask questions back, request more info, etc.

 

maybe it's a simple answer for other people, but it's complex for me. I might enjoy trying to figure it out, but again that's better for late night talks zZz. up there with philosophy and spirtuality

[basil67]

I agree that this isn't an issue of 'should'. It's a very personal thing and we can each only answer for ourselves.

[Arieswoman]

I agree with basil post #6 - I can't see why a couple in that situation would stop loving each other??

[dichotomy]

(Deleted most of post )

 

Its complicated. Love is a choice.

 

.

Edited February 1, 2016 by dichotomy

[Mr Carson]

Years ago I would say yes, but now I'm not so sure.

 

We have very good friends in a loveless marriage and its been like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Both have had affairs both are miserable, both are wrong about the others feelings and intentions its a mess.

 

They have been through years of counseling marriage and personal with little or no change, it just looks futile.

 

I don't like divorce but in their case I would and move on while you still have so time to find happiness.

[redtail]

"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

She should know....

[ShatteredLady]

For a start there are certain words & phrases in our vocabulary that many of us assume we all have the same definition & understanding of when we DON'T.

 

I think of 'falling in love' as a temporary high that can be experienced many times in ones life. I would never have a serious relationship with a man that I didn't fall in love with. I don't understand committing to spend your life with someone that you've never had that high with.

 

I believe that my marital issues started with the fact that we were 'in love' for a very, very long time....at least 12 years if I have to put a timeline on it. Once my H was working 10-12 hour days & going to school 3 nights a week AND studying the rest of the time he was shocked to find that he developed feelings for a woman he worked with all day & went on business trips & work 'jollies' with.

 

Loosing the 'in love' feelings led to his affair. Realizing that he was loosing 'the love of his life' stopped it dead in its tracks!

 

For me 'LOVE', real love is so much more than the high of falling in love. I've hated my H so much at times. He's cheated & abused me (that's about 2 years in TOTAL out of 26) but I still loved him. No matter how much he hurt me (& it was humiliatingly horrific for about 6 months many years ago) I was hurting most because I believed he was having a breakdown!

 

For me real love, marriage lifetime love is FAMILY. (I have a dear, unconditional love kind of family). My Dad drives me crazy at times. Cute & law is pretty much all that keeps my toddler alive some days!! Hahaha! I LOVE them. I LOVE my FAMILY.

 

This last year I've come bloody close to seeing my H as 'just a man', not my love, not my family. That's when I started considering making an appointment to talk to a divorce lawyer.

 

Some people stop talking to their fathers/kids/siblings & will never see them again....it takes a hell of a lot of pain & abuse but at some point they stop loving even family & walk away. Is there always a little love left? I don't know.

 

I can be angry, broken, devastated, abused by my H & the commitment of marriage, family is just enough for me to tolerate it...just for a little while longer. As long as a little ember of love remains I'm willing to work on it for a little while but if it's doesn't turn around & that final ember of love dies I'm gone!!

 

I couldn't share my life with my H without love. I can be so angry or so hurt or do disgusted in his behavior that I hate him & STILL love him...even when he's his least lovable.

 

Shortly after D-day my H had the 'man flu'. The constant noise & whimpering sounds! Ugh! Running to the bathroom. Producing vile smells. Pale, stubbly, unshowered AND grumpy & snappy after breaking my heart!! WTF. Was I "In Love" with him??? Did I find him sexually attractive???

 

I looked into his eyes.... Made him hot honey & lemon drinks. Got him meds. Cooked him healthy spicy meals. Tucked him in bed. LOVED him.

 

So....after all that rambling... NO! I couldn't stay married to someone I don't love. I couldn't be touched. I'm a crap actress. For me the opposite of love is needing to pretend he doesn't even exist anymore. I couldn't be friends with an ex I'd had feelings for & I sure as hell couldn't 'play wife' to someone I don't love.

 

....I don't believe it's possible to be deeply "In Love" with anyone for a lifetime, every minute of everyday. Not by my definition. That would be weird. How can you have a stimulating partner who doesn't drive you nuts on occasion?

[dichotomy]

ShatteredLady,

 

That was powerful, thank you for sharing.

[Babs22]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there are usually reasons why a person falls out of love. I mean, if both parties in a marriage are compatible, give their best to the marriage, respect each other and their needs I can't see why they'd fall out of love.

 

So, if I fell out of love I would leave. Not because I don't love them - but because of the reasons behind the love dying.

 

I'd have to agree with basil67. Love will die if there is not enough compatibility, giving your best, respect of each other and their needs. My M was lacking the compatibility and respect for each other and slowly the love died. I don't love my husband any more. I don't want to be married any more. Currently together due to son with severe depression. But I'm about to have a discussion with his psychiatrist to see if he thinks my son could handle my H and I getting a D. It is very difficult to live with someone who you don't love and sometimes you down right hate.

 

I don't know why it is different, but I love my kids and always will. That is an unconditional love that I never had with my H.

[RecentChange]

Wow Shattered lady, really well said.

 

My first reaction to the question was no, I couldn't stay with someone I didn't love. Life is too short, and I think that would be unfair to both parties. Its not only important to love - but to be loved. Why keep someone when you don't love them? They deserve love.

 

That said, it doesn't mean that you two will never wrong each other. That there won't be other feelings besides love.

 

As a couple who has been through some ups and downs like Shattered Lady described (we have BOTH had our misgivings) - we still love each other, and that brings us back to each other.

 

No, I would not stay with someone I didn't love. But love has allowed me to over come things and stay together.

[cocorico]

if you don't love them anymore?

 

Would like to get everyone's opinion on this.

 

No. It's not fair to either party.

 

It can be complicated by dependents (kids, elderly or disabled family, pets) or finances (one household is cheaper than two) but even those have a limited lifespan.

 

If you never loved them, and it's and arranged marriage or a marriage of convenience, then those factors would override love, but if it's a marriage of love, then love is the sine qua non, and so if love is no more the M should be dissolved, IMO.

Edited February 3, 2016 by cocorico

[waterwoman]

First define your terms.

 

But generally, no, why bother. Marriage isn't any easy road - how can you do it without at least some love?

[dichotomy]

The discussion/debate on what is love has been had before on LoveShack and so has this view I copied below.

 

 

By my use of the word “real” I am implying that the perception that we are loving when we fall in love is a false perception—that our subjective sense of being loving is an illusion. Real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t particularly feel loving or particularly even feel like we like the person at the moment.

 

https://realtruelove.wordpress.com/why-real-love-is-not-a-feeling/

 

 

also this quote from C.S. Lewis.

 

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

Edited February 3, 2016 by dichotomy

[Liam1]

To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t particularly feel loving or particularly even feel like we like the person at the moment.

 

https://realtruelove.wordpress.com/why-real-love-is-not-a-feeling/

 

"

 

I agree with this. Most people who married someone they were crazy in love with may get beaten down by the responsibilities of life and they get grumpy with their spouse and vice versa, and one or the other thinks they have fallen out of love.

 

The reality is that they do love each other but are having a temporary rough spot. The same type of rough spots all long marriages experience.

 

I do think, however, too many people marry people they were NEVER ever in love with. Perhaps they married for money, or prestige or to get of their parents house.

 

If a person never ever loved their spouse, they should set them free.

[13Hearts]

For a start there are certain words & phrases in our vocabulary that many of us assume we all have the same definition & understanding of when we DON'T.

 

I think of 'falling in love' as a temporary high that can be experienced many times in ones life. I would never have a serious relationship with a man that I didn't fall in love with. I don't understand committing to spend your life with someone that you've never had that high with.

 

I believe that my marital issues started with the fact that we were 'in love' for a very, very long time....at least 12 years if I have to put a timeline on it. Once my H was working 10-12 hour days & going to school 3 nights a week AND studying the rest of the time he was shocked to find that he developed feelings for a woman he worked with all day & went on business trips & work 'jollies' with.

 

Loosing the 'in love' feelings led to his affair. Realizing that he was loosing 'the love of his life' stopped it dead in its tracks!

 

For me 'LOVE', real love is so much more than the high of falling in love. I've hated my H so much at times. He's cheated & abused me (that's about 2 years in TOTAL out of 26) but I still loved him. No matter how much he hurt me (& it was humiliatingly horrific for about 6 months many years ago) I was hurting most because I believed he was having a breakdown!

 

For me real love, marriage lifetime love is FAMILY. (I have a dear, unconditional love kind of family). My Dad drives me crazy at times. Cute & law is pretty much all that keeps my toddler alive some days!! Hahaha! I LOVE them. I LOVE my FAMILY.

 

This last year I've come bloody close to seeing my H as 'just a man', not my love, not my family. That's when I started considering making an appointment to talk to a divorce lawyer.

 

Some people stop talking to their fathers/kids/siblings & will never see them again....it takes a hell of a lot of pain & abuse but at some point they stop loving even family & walk away. Is there always a little love left? I don't know.

 

I can be angry, broken, devastated, abused by my H & the commitment of marriage, family is just enough for me to tolerate it...just for a little while longer. As long as a little ember of love remains I'm willing to work on it for a little while but if it's doesn't turn around & that final ember of love dies I'm gone!!

 

I couldn't share my life with my H without love. I can be so angry or so hurt or do disgusted in his behavior that I hate him & STILL love him...even when he's his least lovable.

 

Shortly after D-day my H had the 'man flu'. The constant noise & whimpering sounds! Ugh! Running to the bathroom. Producing vile smells. Pale, stubbly, unshowered AND grumpy & snappy after breaking my heart!! WTF. Was I "In Love" with him??? Did I find him sexually attractive???

 

I looked into his eyes.... Made him hot honey & lemon drinks. Got him meds. Cooked him healthy spicy meals. Tucked him in bed. LOVED him.

 

So....after all that rambling... NO! I couldn't stay married to someone I don't love. I couldn't be touched. I'm a crap actress. For me the opposite of love is needing to pretend he doesn't even exist anymore. I couldn't be friends with an ex I'd had feelings for & I sure as hell couldn't 'play wife' to someone I don't love.

 

....I don't believe it's possible to be deeply "In Love" with anyone for a lifetime, every minute of everyday. Not by my definition. That would be weird. How can you have a stimulating partner who doesn't drive you nuts on occasion?

WOW ShatteredLady, reading this was amazing. You are an incredible writer, so expressive and wonderfully descriptive. Thank you!

[Giggle]

My ex shattered my faith in him. He was a compulsive liar and had presented himself as the person he thought I wanted. He followed me around like a puppy. I tried for a couple years so get past the betrayal, but I had completely lost respect for him. He's a nice guy and it would have been easy to continue the comfortable. But I had to tell him that I had nothing for him and that he should be free to find somebody who could love him.