solostand Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I had a 2.5 year affair with a married man. There was a terrible D-day when my husband released tapes of us together to his wife. Now I have found out, through MM, that my ex-husband has been harassing the entire family for about a year. I did not know about this. Last week, he sent nude photos of me to his wifes email. He also sent emails outlining very horrible things I was supposed to have said about her. Since then, I have been talking to his wife by phone. She has been forwarding me the emails and I am having him arrested. Yesterday she got a terrible email from him which was so very hurtful about things her husband said about her. I feel so bad I want to send her an email with actual NICE things he said about her, so she wont be left with the memory of his emails. Would this be acceptable Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Just my opinion but therapy is probably what your ex husband needs. He's not dealing with the trauma of your infidelity well by the sounds of it. Sad that this is how your lives have ended up, hopefully there are no children involved. Again, just my opinion but having him arrested isn't the help he needs, independent counselling will do more to help him move on so he can lead a normal life. Have you tried therapy? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 We have been separated since 2010, and were separated for two years when the affair began. He has always been insanely jealous though, and I know how his mind works. I had never had any intention of reuiniting with him. But he thinks that this affair ruined his chances at reconciliation, therefore he blaming ex-MM. He irrationally believes if this affair ruined his marriage, then he will ruin theirs. I have told her this. I myself have had no contact with husband since last August. Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Wait, sorry. The wife of your MM is "collaborating" with you? I am sorry but I thought I would find some hate. She didn't hate you or you know the usual accusations from the BW? By the way, are they divorcing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 The affair ended almost a year ago, so the hate part is probably over. Im sure she doesnt like me much, but we are collaborating against a common enemy. And no, they are not divorcing and I am happy they are not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 (edited) [] Hmmm.... So the main culprit here is your ex-H's insanity. Someone pointed out here that he shouldn't be arrested. But I think he should AND get therapy as well. He did break the law, repeatedly. And I hope you have managed to alert the police for your safety. At this point, we never know what he can't do anymore. Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I see no problem with you helping the BW, provided that she's receptive to contact with you. If your husband is telling untruths and you want to correct them and she's receptive to hearing from you, I think it's all good. I haven't kept up with your recent developments; I suspect you've gotten all kinds of advice on the OM/OW forum to stay away, so that you can heal and avoid the drama and so forth. Personally, I think that making some restitution is part of your healing. I think trying to make things right is good for you. If the BW is good with contact, then so be it. She can say when it's not. My $.02 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted January 31, 2016 Author Share Posted January 31, 2016 I just read the hurtful things he wrote that her husband allegedly said about her, and I know it must have been devestating. I want her to know that he said NICE things about her, and what they were. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 (edited) 5 years ago since the separation/divorce and he is still raging? He needs help. I mean I get that he could feel it maddening that exMM got you and to keep his wife, and he lost all he had. I even get forwarding all your and MM emails (without comment) to MM's wife around dDay - but 5-7 years later?! WTF ? Look while I would never do such a thing - I was mentally ill (severe depression) at the end of my marriage and my wifes affair but I sought treatment. I am sorry. He needs to stop and get help. I hope you two dont have kids. Edited January 31, 2016 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I just read the hurtful things he wrote that her husband allegedly said about her, and I know it must have been devestating. I want her to know that he said NICE things about her, and what they were. I assume she has ALL the emails and communications at this point - and can figure out for herself without comment from anyone else. Sounds like she has and decided to stay, and this all needs to stop for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Unless she calls and asks you herself I don't think you should be in contact with her. Banging her husband about says it all. Let them take the appropriate actions against your husband or ex husband, you have no place in their marriage. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 (edited) [] I am worried that this contact with BS regarding your xH's actions is going to get you sucked into all the drama yet again with xMM and his family. I would suggest gently that while your intentions are good, to limit contact with BS as much as possible. Since the XH is harassing the BS directly then they should be the primary people dealing with the issue. Good luck. Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Personally I think you should pull away from this family. It sounds like you want to do something nice after all the damage you have done but sadly your continued interaction is not allowing his family to truly heal. Your xH is no longer your problem. You can blame him all you want but this is on you and the MM. Perhaps you should have considered this before entertaining your affair. Most people when they are unhappy just leave. I think if you truly want to help you should reach out to your xH and try to help him heal. If anything is really on you its this. I feel bad for your xMM's wife but honestly she choice to stay with him so this is just one of the many things with staying with a cheater. Good luck. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 (edited) [] I don't know under what legal premise that you are having him arrested under...wouldn't it be the family that is experiencing this? Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You need to cut all contact with her and her husband and all contact with your ex. It's not your place to have your husband arrested, it's theirs. What her husband said would be irrelavent had you not had the affair. There is no high ground for you to stand on. Apologize again and wish them luck, then get out of it. I'm sure he had all kinds of glowing reviews of his wife while you guys were going at it like rabbits. Seriously, just stop. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 No, stay out of it. She should block him and get a restraining order against your xH if need be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 solostand, can I ask what the grounds for him being arrested/charged are? (I'm assuming some type of criminal harassment but is he doing this in violation of a no-contact order or anything like that?) To answer your question, I think helping this woman, if she's receptive to you reaching out, is perfectly fine and even commendable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 More excuses to contact. You want your xap to see you as the nice gal. You have to move on no exceptions. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Sometimes we reap what we sow. I have made mistakes in the past. I think we all have made mistakes. So next time before getting into an A with a married man, get your D first. Have you ever been cheated on? Do you know how it feels? Think about the your AP cheating on you with several other women. Would you be upset? You ex will have these horrible feelings for the rest of his miserable life. Sometimes you need to think about what you do to others before just your own selfish desires. Not trying to be mean or hurtful, but you did make vows, too bad we treat each other like garbage. Did you ever care for your ex? Maybe not. good luck in your choices in the future. Keep far away from your AP's family and find someone not in a relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 More excuses to contact. You want your xap to see you as the nice gal. You have to move on no exceptions. ^^^^ yep. More excuses, more drama. Still chasing the drama. Go no contact with all of them and move on. Ex husband can deal with you through a lawyer and leave the rest ALONE. Stop seeking out the drama. You had an affair with her husband for 2.5 years. There is no taking that back no matter what you do now. Just leave her alone, and make sure your ex husband leaves her alone. you brought this into her life. She doesn't deserve it. Give her peace 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 (edited) [] Do not use this as an excuse to be in contact with any of them again. Please walk away and let everyone, including yourself, heal. Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ramius Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Nothing good will come from kicking this beehive. Leave them alone. Stay NC with your Ex. They can treat him like any other stalker. Get the restraining orders. Have him arrested when he breaks them. etc etc. Your feelings and how you want to help the family you damaged...don't matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) [] What is it that you truly want? You don't have to say your answer here if you don't want to, this is for you to figure out and decide if you want to hang onto the past, the pain, the drama or do you want to move forward and start fresh and let go of it all. Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) [] Also I agree with Sassy, you are still feeding your drama lama. If your husband is harassing the MM and his wife then it's up to them to go to the police and file a complaint. If he sent nude photo's of you then you can address that without involving the BW. Get out of this mess and stay out. Edited February 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I want her to know that he said NICE things about her, and what they were. Almost every WS lies to everyone involved, their AP included. How do you know the things he told you about her during the A, whether kind or hurtful, are true ? There's a reason hearsay isn't admissible in court. Let your xAP handle his BW, let the legal system handle your xH. You've got plenty of your plate plotting a new course and trying to live a better life... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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