First ONS, strange feelings

[anonymousbear00101100]

Some important points to make at the top. I am 19. I am male. I am in college. I just got out of a two and a half year relationship 3ish months ago.

 

Last night I went to the frat house to get messed up. I ate a LOT of edibles and drank a LOT of alcohol. I was crossed pretty hard, but I was still very cognizant and overall feeling great. Anyways, as the night starts to wrap up I end up talking with this girl. Long story short, we start dancing, making out, etc. At one point I asked her if she wanted to come back to my room and she said yes.

 

You've seen movies. We weren't playing shuffleboard in there. I actually remember very little of the beginning (and don't remember walking back to my place either) because at this point I was very much gone. But sex was happening, that's all I know.

 

At some point though, like 20-30 minutes in, things got a little weird. She started asking me if I was going to regret this in the morning because she could tell that I was really high. I said no and asked her if she was going to regret it and she said no, too. We ended up going into a conversation about how my ex and her had the exact same name and she was the first girl I'd been with since. She then kept asking if I was going to regret everything and that she felt bad because she thought she was using me. We ended up stopping (which is probably a good thing because I could barely hold myself up), and she just told me to take a nap and we could finish later.

 

She fell asleep in my arms but when she woke up in the morning, she rolled over and away from me. I didn't know what to do, so I just stayed put and pretended to be asleep. Eventually, she started changing and I just sat there. She said she was really hungover and I could tell she wasn't exactly looking to chat. I walked her to the door, gave her a hug, and said bye. I totally forgot to ask for her number or if she was interested in getting together again.

 

All day I've just felt strange for some reason. On the one hand, I had been feeling great about my relationship status the past few weeks, and I decided before going out that I was ready to have sex again if the opportunity presented itself. I feel like I've taken another step forward. But on the other hand, I feel embarrassed for how inebriated I was and how that probably made me terrible at sex and then open up to her all about my relationship. I also have this urge to want to talk to her and see if she'd be interested in hooking up again. I don't know why I can't just leave this at a one night stand, but I've been thinking about how nice it was to cuddle and get compliments from a beautiful girl all day.

 

So I guess my question is how uncommon is it to try to connect with someone you hooked up with? Should I have taken her actions of the morning as regretful, or as if she was thinking I was regretful (I was pretty hungover and thus concise with her as well)? I wonder if this is at all stemming from my need for approval, and I want a second chance to prove I can be great in bed.

[road]

There was nothing abnormal about your evening.

 

 

So if you like this girl ask her out again.

[anonymousbear00101100]

There was nothing abnormal about your evening.

 

 

So if you like this girl ask her out again.

 

I guess I just don't understand how one knows whether to leave something as ONS or trying to make it something more.

[CarrieT]

I guess I just don't understand how one knows whether to leave something as ONS or trying to make it something more.

 

You don't know her well enough to make it something more.

 

Ask her on a PROPER DATE and don't bring up sex or the Ex's. Talk about yourself and learn about each other.

 

THEN you can figure out if you want to make it something more or not.

[anonymousbear00101100]

You don't know her well enough to make it something more.

 

Ask her on a PROPER DATE and don't bring up sex or the Ex's. Talk about yourself and learn about each other.

 

THEN you can figure out if you want to make it something more or not.

 

Haha it seems so simple.

[CarrieT]

Haha it seems so simple.

 

You are making it more complicated than it needs to be.

 

Call her up (don't text). Say, "Hey, we seemed to have jumped ahead a few steps. Why not go to dinner with me on XXXX night so we can get to know each other?"

 

That's all it will take.

[Popsicle]

Drunk sex is not very good anyway. I have no idea why people want to have it so much.

 

Anyways, if you think you like her, get in contact with her somehow and ask her on a proper date. If she's not feeling it, she won't do it.

[hasaquestion]

Drunk sex is not very good anyway. I have no idea why people want to have it so much.

 

Anyways, if you think you like her, get in contact with her somehow and ask her on a proper date. If she's not feeling it, she won't do it.

 

Some people won't do it unless they are drunk. It's a chicken-and-egg situation.

 

OP whatever your decision is I'm glad you tried something new. The best way to decide if something is or isn't for you is to try it. You seem like a gentlemen, offer to take her on a real date and see what she's all about. You never know, maybe she's doing the same thing you are and wondering about you.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Drunk sex is not very good anyway. I have no idea why people want to have it so much.

 

I did not enjoy it the way I have when sober. I'm a very clean, precise, articulate person (I like a nice suit), so being sloppy in any aspect makes me feel a bit embarrassed.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Some people won't do it unless they are drunk. It's a chicken-and-egg situation.

 

OP whatever your decision is I'm glad you tried something new. The best way to decide if something is or isn't for you is to try it. You seem like a gentlemen, offer to take her on a real date and see what she's all about. You never know, maybe she's doing the same thing you are and wondering about you.

 

We'll see. I friended her on Facebook (I decided this was better than getting her number through a chain of mutual friends), and if she adds me back I'll probably just ask her out on a real date.

 

And yes, having a new experience is really helping. It's nice to worry about girls other than my ex.

[HillValley]

Can I ask, OP? Are you actually into this chick on a personal level? Brain, shared interest, sense of humor?

 

You say you remember very little of the lead up.

 

 

Are you doing this just because of you feel awkward about how you hooked up with her and are just "saving face" to your own mind by making a run-around back to acting interested with normal courtship?

 

Wouldn't you save a lot of effort just knowing you aren't a ONS kind of person and just sort of moving on?

[Qboro90]

Welcome to college man! Lol.. Trust me... That won't be your last ONS and it was literally about as textbook of a classic situation as there could be. So don't worry about wondering if it was common or normal or not. Millions of guys and girls have gone through the exact same thing... Count yourself lucky that your first time at college didn't end up with one of you getting sick while you were having sex (mortifying to say the least), or you embarrassing yourself in a way that can't be excused by just saying "haha sry bout that, had one too many".

 

As far as this girl goes... First of all she sounds pretty chill for the most part. Was she a freshman also? Or around your same age? Only ask because that will explain why she kept asking you if you were going to regret doing anything in the morning. Actually it doesn't matter if she's a freshman or not, pretty much any girl (most at least) will feel somewhat insecure about having a one night stand and she was looking for some sort of validation from you saying that you weren't just trying to have sex with her because you were wasted and horny... She wanted to hear that you were into her more than just a piece of ass for the night.

 

Now depending on what kind of guy you are the response to that varies. A guy who knows what girls wanna hear and is trying to get laid, will know to compliment the girl and lead her to believe that you see something in her and felt a connection. A self sabatoging brutally honest guy.. Would say "I'm sorry, I think I had a little too much to drink and I'm not sure we should do this"

 

(Ever see Superbad? With Evan the skinny friend in bed with the Wasted Becca?... That's the super nice/nervous guy)

 

I'm sorry to say that I was not the super nice guy unfortunately. College is a wild time lol.

 

You did the right thing by letting her stay the night. Only a scumbag would kick her out once the sex stopped/ended. But she also knew the deal and was aware enough to leave in the morning somewhat early. Congrats on your first forced Walk Of Shame by the way as well.

 

Best move going forward? You already did it. Facebook or Instagram request. She'll accept it don't worry. If anything you could've waited a couple days and seen if she reached out to request you. That wouldn't told you that she liked you enough and wasn't weirded out or put off by your less than stellar sexual performance the other night. So keep that in mind for future endeavors. Wait a couple days, if you don't get anything then send out the request yourself.

 

Another thing to keep in mind is that odds are you're gonna run into this girl at another party, or on campus, or around school if she's also a student there. So you could've just hoped to run into her at the next frat party and said hello there.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Can I ask, OP? Are you actually into this chick on a personal level? Brain, shared interest, sense of humor?

 

You say you remember very little of the lead up.

 

 

Are you doing this just because of you feel awkward about how you hooked up with her and are just "saving face" to your own mind by making a run-around back to acting interested with normal courtship?

 

Wouldn't you save a lot of effort just knowing you aren't a ONS kind of person and just sort of moving on?

 

See this is why I'm so confused. I don't really know her at all, but she was so nice to me, cuddled with me, complimented me, held my hand, etc. On top of all that she really is very attractive.

 

I don't even think I'm interested in dating her either, because I really don't want a girlfriend for a while. But I just can't stop thinking about how great it was to sleep (like literally sleep) with someone again. I'm starting to think this is just me still craving that physical part of a relationship that has been gone from my life for a few months. Doesn't help that she has the exact same name as my ex. Yikes.

 

All my friends think I should contact her, because what's the harm. Some of the girls in her sorority are telling me to contact her, because apparently they all "simply adore" her. I still can't decide because I don't even know what I want from her.

[Qboro90]

Couple other things I forgot to add.

 

I don't know what kind of guy you are, but if you do see/talk to this girl again, or any girl in the future... Try not to vocalize your insecurity about how things went down, or apologize if you were embarrassed, or ask her if she'd like to hook up again. That just comes off as weird tbh. Don't bring it up unless she does. And even if that's the case, make it a light hearted convo.

 

If you run into her and its awkward at first, just say

 

"Heyy! Yo what happened to you last week? You said you were gonna head home and change then would come back with pancakes and bacon for both of us?!? ...You know what a let down it is when you think you're getting pancakes in bed and they never arrive!?!" (Say it jokingly sarcastic of course)

 

She'll laugh as long as she's not a robot and then the awkwardness is gone and you can ask her "since we didn't get to last week then, are you doing anything right now or wanna take a ride to grab something to eat with me right now?"

 

Also think you should keep in your mind that you don't have to do any of that btw. You don't need to "make up" for anything that night just because you feel bad that you were drunk and want to make it up to her by taking her out or hanging out.

 

The only thing that you said which concerns me is how excited/eager you are to "cuddle/ get compliments" from a girl. I'm assuming your last gf and the break up hit you pretty hard since your 19 and probly thought your Hs gf was "the one". Just saying that jumping right into another relationship as a freshman might not be the best idea. You can have a FWB type thing with the girl if you want to keep getting the cuddling/sex/compliments without the commitments.

 

If you live on campus, that's pretty common. Casual sleepover buddies that can be your gf one or 2 nights a week but don't require anything else.

 

And if the frat party was the first time you tried to get laid since your break up.. And you found a hot girl and she was into it... Then maybe you should keep exploring and ride the hot streak.... Wifing yourself up as a freshman... Is going to be s huge regret when you're a junior or senior and you realize you wasted 3 years of college with the first chick you slept with.

 

Have fun

[anonymousbear00101100]

Thank you a lot of this helped! Great insight.

 

Was she a freshman also? Or around your same age? Only ask because that will explain why she kept asking you if you were going to regret doing anything in the morning. Actually it doesn't matter if she's a freshman or not, pretty much any girl (most at least) will feel somewhat insecure about having a one night stand and she was looking for some sort of validation from you saying that you weren't just trying to have sex with her because you were wasted and horny... She wanted to hear that you were into her more than just a piece of ass for the night.

 

See the problem was that being a crossed idiot I told her that she had the same name as my ex and that it's funny because I'd only been with two girls and they both had the same name. Then she asked how long we'd been broken up, and after telling her she was like "Oh am I just a rebound? Are you going to regret this tomorrow? I feel bad because you're so knew to this." So yeah you're probably right that part of it was insecurity on her part, thinking she was just a rebound. That makes me feel a bit better.

 

Shoot it's too late now, but that would've been a great idea to wait a few days to see if I see her in the class we have together (thought it's a 500 seater) or at another party. Probably should have waited to see if she friended me first, that would've been smart. She already accepted though.

 

I really would not know what to say if I ever messaged her.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Also think you should keep in your mind that you don't have to do any of that btw. You don't need to "make up" for anything that night just because you feel bad that you were drunk and want to make it up to her by taking her out or hanging out.

 

This was part of my motivation to contact her until I realized that was probably wrong and dumb haha.

 

The only thing that you said which concerns me is how excited/eager you are to "cuddle/ get compliments" from a girl. I'm assuming your last gf and the break up hit you pretty hard since your 19 and probly thought your Hs gf was "the one". Just saying that jumping right into another relationship as a freshman might not be the best idea. You can have a FWB type thing with the girl if you want to keep getting the cuddling/sex/compliments without the commitments.

 

I think this would exactly what I want, but I feel kind of bad for wanting that. Seems immoral and dishonest? I guess if she wanted that too it'd be great. I certainly am not looking for a girlfriend any time soon, but it was nice to have sex and all that stuff again.

 

This is all great, experienced advice man, thank you.

[Qboro90]

Thank you a lot of this helped! Great insight.

 

 

 

See the problem was that being a crossed idiot I told her that she had the same name as my ex and that it's funny because I'd only been with two girls and they both had the same name. Then she asked how long we'd been broken up, and after telling her she was like "Oh am I just a rebound? Are you going to regret this tomorrow? I feel bad because you're so knew to this." So yeah you're probably right that part of it was insecurity on her part, thinking she was just a rebound. That makes me feel a bit better.

 

Shoot it's too late now, but that would've been a great idea to wait a few days to see if I see her in the class we have together (thought it's a 500 seater) or at another party. Probably should have waited to see if she friended me first, that would've been smart. She already accepted though.

 

I really would not know what to say if I ever messaged her.

 

 

Definitely don't bring up your ex gf anymore with girls in the future. It's not something they wanna hear about.. And makes you look weak and hung up on your ex still... Not exactly what the naked girl you just met wants to listen to the first night together right? The only thing you could've said if it comes up again is something like "nah I don't even talk to her anymore, haven't in months... At least I won't ever say the wrong name during sex right? " in a teasing manner. But that depends on how you can say things. I was always able to get away with borderline comments because I could tell what a girl could give and take as far as that stuff.

 

Don't start opening up to every girl who shows you interest. That's the thing a lot of people guys and girls have to learn going from hs to college. It's more casual as you get older. People don't need to hear that you've only had sex with 2 girls because you're a shy guy and you have a great relationship with your mom but your parents are divorced. Keep that **** to yourself. Make her think she's the one who has to impress you.

 

Sounds like a dick think to say, but as the guy, you were in the drivers seat that night and in the future with girls who you sleep with or brig back to your room. They're the ones who are gonna wanna prove to you and convince you that they're not a slut and don't sleep around. It's your room.. She's a guest so she's gotta tread lightly and make sure she doesn't screw it up. So start realizing that and I think it will help you be more sure of yourself and less over analytical.

 

You want the best way to message her and start contact?

 

Find out what her snap chat username is. Add her there. And send her a cute or funny snap or something you know she'd most likely reply to and that's your ticket in. Facebook messaging in my opinion seems a little more desperate nowadays. 5 years ago maybe not. But try the snapchat option if it's available.

 

And if/when she replies... Remember that she's not your girlfriend and you're not her BF. Don't start talking to one another every day all day. That **** is a one way ticket to having a gf or worse... Her telling the girls she knows that you and her are talking and you're basically off limits. That's not what you want

[Qboro90]

Snapchat text or make a short video... If you don't find out her snapchat then send her a short Facebook message:

 

"Hey... So I'm not sure if you realized this or not, but you forgot to leave something of yours in my room the other day so that you have an excuse to come back and hang out with me.....?"

[anonymousbear00101100]

Snapchat text or make a short video... If you don't find out her snapchat then send her a short Facebook message:

 

"Hey... So I'm not sure if you realized this or not, but you forgot to leave something of yours in my room the other day so that you have an excuse to come back and hang out with me.....?"

 

Haha that's golden.

 

And yeah, I would never open up to a girl about my ex sober. Just being crossed brown and trying to be funny by mentioning the names led down a weird road. I'm normally a super confident guy, so I can definitely restore my image if I were to meet her again. Definitely something to remember in the future though, that drunk me can be very open about my feelings.

 

I hate FB chat to start off, but I'd feel weird saying "yeah I got your number from my friends sister's friend." I guess I'll just bite the bullet and go with FB.

[Qboro90]

Haha that's golden.

 

And yeah, I would never open up to a girl about my ex sober. Just being crossed brown and trying to be funny by mentioning the names led down a weird road. I'm normally a super confident guy, so I can definitely restore my image if I were to meet her again. Definitely something to remember in the future though, that drunk me can be very open about my feelings.

 

I hate FB chat to start off, but I'd feel weird saying "yeah I got your number from my friends sister's friend." I guess I'll just bite the bullet and go with FB.

 

Make sure you don't just pepper her with your pursuit either. Friend requesting her then messaging her as soon as she accepts it comes off as desperate or too invested too soon on your part. Keep in mind that this girl might have a huge crush on you... Or she might not have thought about you at all since she left that day. So err on the side of caution until you have a little more Time to let her contact you.

 

Don't text her if you know she's aware of the fact that she never gave you her number that night. Don't wanna make it seem like you freaking FBI searched all this chicks contact info and social media accounts for the right way to say hello exactly lol

 

The other thing you can do which is probably the easiest and least risky move to do for you. When she accepts your friend request... Or after a day or 2 goes by then just Facebook message her your phone number

 

"555-5555.....your move doll ?" That gives her the ability to contact you if she's interested... Or she can choose not to. And it doesn't make it awkward for either of you because it's not a big deal for you to send her your number.. And you're not doingn anything too much that would concern her either.

 

If she texts you... Then you know she wants it and you can basically do whatever you want. I've had a lot of guy friends have trouble knowing whether or not they can go for it with a girl after she says yes to coming over, or accepts a date.. Even you when you brought her back to your room it sounds like you were unsure of whether or not she was ok with it and wanted to make sure.

 

As soon as she said yes to going back to your place, you should 100% know its safe to know that she's into physical contact/ having sex with you. Obviously if you get Into things and she slows you down and doesn't let you get past 1st base then you respect her wishes and do so. But don't waver back and forth wondering.

 

If you send her your number and she texts you saying "hey... It's _Nicole.... Your move now ;)".... Then you should feel confident going to the store and buying a box of condoms lol.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Damn I wish I had your experience/confidence. You seem to know what's up.

 

What does it say about me that I had sex with a woman and am still afraid of just messaging her haha. I think I'm putting myself down to easy, as if she KNOWS I'm feeling anxious about all this. Time to grow a pair I guess.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Bit of an update:

 

Did exactly what you said. Confidently dropped my number on her Facebook and said something to the effect of if you ever want to hang hit me up. She replied "I had fun too! Okay I will :laugh:"

 

That was Tuesday and I haven't heard from her. Pretty sure I never will. Which is cool because tomorrow is Friday and a new chance to get wasted and talk to new ladies. Still sort of sucks getting rejected, even by someone you slept with, but maybe my mindset is all wrong.

 

Thanks for all the advice! I learned a lot haha

Edited February 4, 2016 by rjblak13

[Qboro90]

Bit of an update:

 

Did exactly what you said. Confidently dropped my number on her Facebook and said something to the effect of if you ever want to hang hit me up. She replied "I had fun too! Okay I will :laugh:"

 

That was Tuesday and I haven't heard from her. Pretty sure I never will. Which is cool because tomorrow is Friday and a new chance to get wasted and talk to new ladies. Still sort of sucks getting rejected, even by someone you slept with, but maybe my mindset is all wrong.

 

Thanks for all the advice! I learned a lot haha

 

Don't be so sure of that. She might want to regain a little bit of respect for herself by not contacting you right after you give her your number. That would be pretty revealing on her part wouldn't it? Guy who she had a ONS with gives her his number and she races to text him so they can hang out again? Not exactly giving you a base to think she's gf material.

 

And that's the 2nd point... She's not your gf, you're not her BF.. You literally only met this girl once for a couple hours. You don't know anything about one another. So don't get offended or feel rejected when basically a stranger doesnt text you within a certain time frame that you wanted. For all she knows you just want to have sex with her again and she's not trying to be that girl.

 

Let it be for another week, maybe 2 even. If there's still no word and you haven't seen her at any party or campus location between now and then... Then if you're still interested in her.. Go for the snap chat message or another FB message where you ask her on a proper date. Coffee, lunch, Dinner. That's if you wanna start seeing someone.. Which like I said before, I don't recommend since there's tons of others you can entertain yourself with before settling down.

 

Other route to take is asking her if she's going to a bar/party upcoming. "Hey hey... Any chance you're going to the DeltaKappa party tonight? I need a pretty face to motivate me to check it out ."