Kelly2727 Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 My boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago (after living together for 5 years) because we were heading in different directions in life. He was also very emotionally abusive at times. I didn't think I would ever be with him again. During the year we were broken up, I had a fling with another guy and slept with him. Now a year later, my ex has been for therapy and is claiming that he has changed. He says he has been working on himself for the past year and wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me for all the bad things he did in the past. But, he says that if I slept with anyone else during the time we were apart, then we cannot be together again and he would be really angry with me. Should I tell him the truth? My sister and cousin both say I shouldn't tell him because I was single at the time so I did nothing wrong and what I did during this time has nothing to do with him. My sister also says he is wrong to give me that kind of condition. The thing is, if he was the kind of person who would deal with it knowing that we were both single and didn't think we would ever be together again I would tell him, but he's not like that. He would get really upset. He has these strong morals that you should only have sex if you are in a committed relationship. I just think that telling him would not benefit us trying to fix things in any way. But at the same time I don't want to keep anything from him. Should I tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 But, he says that if I slept with anyone else during the time we were apart, then we cannot be together again and he would be really angry with me. Yep, clearly therapy has helped and he's not the abusive controlling guy he used to be. 21 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 If it were me? I'd tell him and walk away. You really don't need that kind of judgement in your life. The fact that you are still concerned about his anger is also reason enough to stay away. It's great that he's done a lot of work, but you don't owe him another try. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Actually telling him would be a great way to test his recovery. If he calls you judgmental names in reaction, you can walk away knowing that he hasn't changed and you've dodged a bullet 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 His morals sounds convenient and one-sided. What was moral about emotionally abusing you? Who is he to tell you what you can or can't do when you're relationship was technically over? Trying to start over based on deception by omission is a bad idea and if he's apt to get upset over something that happened when you were apart, then he has anger and control issues as well. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 My boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago (after living together for 5 years) because we were heading in different directions in life. He was also very emotionally abusive at times. I didn't think I would ever be with him again. During the year we were broken up, I had a fling with another guy and slept with him. Now a year later, my ex has been for therapy and is claiming that he has changed. He says he has been working on himself for the past year and wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me for all the bad things he did in the past. But, he says that if I slept with anyone else during the time we were apart, then we cannot be together again and he would be really angry with me. Should I tell him the truth? My sister and cousin both say I shouldn't tell him because I was single at the time so I did nothing wrong and what I did during this time has nothing to do with him. My sister also says he is wrong to give me that kind of condition. The thing is, if he was the kind of person who would deal with it knowing that we were both single and didn't think we would ever be together again I would tell him, but he's not like that. He would get really upset. He has these strong morals that you should only have sex if you are in a committed relationship. I just think that telling him would not benefit us trying to fix things in any way. But at the same time I don't want to keep anything from him. Should I tell him? The work he has done on himself isn't enough if he thinks he can be the source of a bunch of problems, then leave for a year (although with the intention to work on himself, which is very good) and expect time to stand still. It takes a long time to change real issues, and anyone knows that, and he cannot blame you for moving on with your life. I wouldn't tell him any specifics at all, but I would just say, I'm proud of you for seeking help, but that takes time. I moved on with my life as any sensible person would, and if that bothers you, then you still have a lot of work to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 It's folly to think that you can repair a broken relationship by restarting it with dishonesty. Tell him. And if he can't handle it, then it's his loss (and I would agree with the others that say he hasn't sufficiently dealt with his prior issues). He doesn't get to be angry about what you did while you weren't in a relationship with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 My boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago (after living together for 5 years) because we were heading in different directions in life. He was also very emotionally abusive at times. I didn't think I would ever be with him again. During the year we were broken up, I had a fling with another guy and slept with him. Now a year later, my ex has been for therapy and is claiming that he has changed. He says he has been working on himself for the past year and wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me for all the bad things he did in the past. But, he says that if I slept with anyone else during the time we were apart, then we cannot be together again and he would be really angry with me. Should I tell him the truth? My sister and cousin both say I shouldn't tell him because I was single at the time so I did nothing wrong and what I did during this time has nothing to do with him. My sister also says he is wrong to give me that kind of condition. The thing is, if he was the kind of person who would deal with it knowing that we were both single and didn't think we would ever be together again I would tell him, but he's not like that. He would get really upset. He has these strong morals that you should only have sex if you are in a committed relationship. I just think that telling him would not benefit us trying to fix things in any way. But at the same time I don't want to keep anything from him. Should I tell him? But, he says that if I slept with anyone else during the time we were apart, then we cannot be together again and he would be really angry with me. -- What????? He hasn't changed from being abusive. This indicates controlling as well. He's threatening you if you'd slept with someone else during the YEAR you two were broken up????? And, he'd judge you for having sex outside of a committed relationship. This guy needs to stay in therapy. He's still got work to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Don't get involved with this guy. His issues run deeper than you think. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I echo what everyone else has said. He's not got to grips with the anger and abusive behaviour. DO NOT lie to him. Relationships are based on honesty. Leave him to continue working on that anger and control...While you move on with your life and NEVER get into a romantic relationship with him again. He needs to cough up for more therapy. Count yourself lucky you're not with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
big dog Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 tell him the truth...better now than him finding out down the road.... that would be worse. He deserves to know as well as you deserve to know whether you really want to be with him long term or not. Good way for both of you to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) He didn't just say, if you slept with anyone while you two were apart he's not interested, which is his prerogative. He took it a step further and said he'd be angry with you. Angry for what? You did nothing to him. And it's none of his business since you two were broken up. Does he feel you owed him some sort of fidelity? Whatever the reason, he somehow feels you are accountable to him for this, which is a really bad sign. He still has a long way to go with his therapy. Edited February 1, 2016 by bachdude 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I'll wait until the op racks up 10 or so more post before taking this too seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 As a guy who went thru something kinda similar, I would want to know. You did nothing wrong IMO and it's best to be truthful. I guess if he never asks, you don't have to confess anything but if he asks, I wouldn't lie. Link to post Share on other sites
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