Small argument becomes a bigger argument

[OrangeSnack]

Hey guys. I am in need of some advice. Bare with me on the details.

 

So my gf and I have been together for over 7 months now. Everything's GREAT and i'm certain she is the one. The only issue at the moment is the distance. We are having a LDR (15 hr time difference) at the moment but it will be fixed soon as she will be relocating sometime this year or early next year.

 

But anyway, I was on a business trip. I was extremely exhausted and hungry when I got back from work. I messaged my gf that I will talk to her in 10 minutes. So I left my phone in the room to charge (it was at 5%) and then 30 minutes passes, I'm still waiting for my food. I get a ton of messages and a few missed calls when I returned. I immediately responded with "Honestly, the food took forever." So I facetimed her after the message and told her, I'm sorry my food took a long time and I apologized.

 

She responded with "You know I've been waiting here for 30 minutes. You were supposed to call me and you didn't." "Why didn't you call me?" "You know I have to go to work and I've been waiting for you."

 

So I apologized again and told her "you know you're right I didn't mean to waste your time, I'll do better next time."

 

Then the moment of silence comes (when she's mad she's silent). So I tried my best to just move away and change subject. I asked how she's doing, what her plans are tonight, if she will be hanging out with her brother etc etc. I told her again let's just move on and forget about it.

 

But she continues to be silent. So I continued to create conversations and lighten the mood. Still, silence...

 

Then I told her, "I know you're mad but can we just move on?" As I started to crack jokes, but she was still not reciprocating. Silence was her entire mood.

 

What really threw me off the edge was when she rolled her eyes. She has done this many times before but I have mentioned to her that I really don't like it when she does it. I feel so insulted when someone does that. So when she did it again, I just went on a tantrum, telling her that why is she still mad over this situation and why can't we just move past it?

 

We continued on having silence as our main topic and me trying to lighten the mood. But eventually I had enough. I told her that you know if you continue to be silent and angry over this situation, I don't think this is going to go far for us. Can we please just move on and be happy and talk about something else? Then she starts blaming me for god knows what reason. I told her that this is not going to be good for us in the future if we continue to point fingers.

 

I just continued to dig a bigger hole, trying to tell her that we need to communicate and just let certain things pass. Eventually, she said she's going to work and that I should go rest since this is going no where. I said okay, have a good day at work and I just disconnected. This was the first time we had a big argument where I practically just disconnected the phone. Maybe I'm just fed up or I don't know... But we argue once in awhile and I feel like I'm always the one that's backing down and trying to mend peace.

 

1). I know I should have just backed down but I had it when she rolled her eyes at me. I absolutely hate it and I felt like I just got slapped emotionally. Maybe I'm just too sensitive but the eye rolling thing bothers the heck out of me...

 

2). I know I shouldn't have dug a hole but I feel like I tried so many times to lighten the mood but she was not reciprocating.

 

3). I feel like messaging her or calling her to apologize for my actions but at the same time I feel so insulted that even if I apologize it would not solve our issue down the road.

 

Any advise? Thanks everyone.

Edited January 15, 2016 by OrangeSnack

[Nilfiry]

Do not blame yourself. I think you did the right thing. It sounds more like your girlfriend has attitude issues. She does not want to be a team player and only wants things her way. In the future you will have a hard time working with her, so my advice is find a new girlfriend.

[mrldii]

Apparently (from this example), you two have two completely different styles of arguing/being angry/expressing anger.

 

She's the type that goes silent; this might be an immature response OR it could be a well-honed talent, as she's learned in the past that if she speaks while angry, she says things (or does things...like eye-rolling) that she'll regret later.

 

You're the type that believes once someone has said "Sorry", it should be done and over (which may be equally immature) and/or that two people should talk out their differences.

 

IF this is the case, you two are going to have to learn better ways to handle disagreements AND respect each others' *fighting* styles.

 

 

Sorry to say this (because I'm not a big fan of the 'silent treatment', either)...but it reads *like* you attempted to bully her into adopting YOUR way of handling disagreements ('Let it go', 'I'll tell a couple of jokes and coax her out of it', etc.).

 

Even IF your way of handling it is the *right* way (and I'm not saying that it necessarily IS), it's not *fun* to be bullied into behaving the way the other person thinks you (and everyone else) should act.

 

Something to think about...

 

 

Good luck to you, OP...LDRs can be stressful, even under the best of circumstances.

[OrangeSnack]

Apparently (from this example), you two have two completely different styles of arguing/being angry/expressing anger.

 

She's the type that goes silent; this might be an immature response OR it could be a well-honed talent, as she's learned in the past that if she speaks while angry, she says things (or does things...like eye-rolling) that she'll regret later.

 

You're the type that believes once someone has said "Sorry", it should be done and over (which may be equally immature) and/or that two people should talk out their differences.

 

IF this is the case, you two are going to have to learn better ways to handle disagreements AND respect each others' *fighting* styles.

 

 

Sorry to say this (because I'm not a big fan of the 'silent treatment', either)...but it reads *like* you attempted to bully her into adopting YOUR way of handling disagreements ('Let it go', 'I'll tell a couple of jokes and coax her out of it', etc.).

 

Even IF your way of handling it is the *right* way (and I'm not saying that it necessarily IS), it's not *fun* to be bullied into behaving the way the other person thinks you (and everyone else) should act.

 

Something to think about...

 

 

Good luck to you, OP...LDRs can be stressful, even under the best of circumstances.

 

Thanks! It does kind of feel like I want her to always do it my way. Which is not right.

 

But expressing to her about the eye rolling thing, I feel like I have to do it because its going to continuously bother me in the future.

[mrldii]

Thanks! It does kind of feel like I want her to always do it my way. Which is not right.

 

But expressing to her about the eye rolling thing, I feel like I have to do it because its going to continuously bother me in the future.

 

I agree...eye-rolling is as dismissive of you and your ways, as you "bullying" her into disagreeing your way.

 

You two need to work on productive ways to handle disagreements while honoring - and working with - each others' *fighting* styles.

 

There's tons of information on the internet on the subject.

 

Here's just a few to get you started (I Googled "healthy ways to argue in a relationship"):

 

10 Ways Couples Can Argue Better with Healthy Communication | Chuck & Jo-Ann Bird | Chuck & Jo-Ann Bird

 

How to have a healthy fight | besthealthmag.ca

 

10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples | Psych Central

 

 

 

With a little exploration, you'll find the tips that resonate within you and seem the best fit for the two of you.

 

Good luck!!!

[salparadise]

The silent treatment is not a fair tactic. It's a passive aggressive way to get the upper hand and not acknowledge the other's efforts toward understanding and reconciliation. Next time say something like, "well since you don't feel like talking I'm going to go now. Let me know when you're ready." And then hang up and wait until hell freezes over if you have to. The ball is in her court at that point.

[Gloria25]

If she's blowing up cuz you were late for a chat, then something else is going on.

 

I mean, is there something else going on in the RL?

 

Now, while I'm not a "naggy" calling and checking up on my guy type gal, the only time I might be picky about him and I sticking to strict agreements on chat time is cuz I'm freaking busy at times and I'll let him know.

 

Also, with a 15 hr time difference I've been there and done thst trying to call, txt, Skype, etc. with family, friends, SOs and all that when overseas, deployed, and yes playing phone/video tag gets freakin frustrating.

 

But still, you guys gotta communicate and/or learn how to. Dating is to figure out if you're a match and life is gonna throw crap at you two. If you two cannot communicate and/or gel as a team, be ready for a lifetime of problems.

[Wewon]

Make no mistake, the silent treatment is a power move, even if an unconscious one.

 

When she started down that road you just stop, move on and let her broach the subject. Its one of those "anything you can and say will be used against you" situations.

[Giggle]

I go silent. If I talked I'd have nothing nice to say. I'm aware of being unreasonable so I go silent to sort myself out. My ex got to where he would poke at me and poke at me cause he couldn't stand the silence. So I'd snap.

 

My bf (also ldr) goes silent too. Which also seems to be to keep from snapping. He likes to go yup. Whatever. I'm done. Which makes me want to throw something at him I will say my piece. Rarely apologize. Maybe a sorry he took it that way... But like last time he did it, I wasn't in the least bit sorry I said what I did so I totally wasn't apologizing. I aaaalmost said, fiine..let me know when you're done being mad. That is my approach to it. Lol. But I refrained from saying so because it would have pushed his button. We both drop things.. It just tends to take some silence to get to where we can laugh about the silliness.

 

In your situation, he would have hung up a lot faster. Me too actually. We've done it once. He made a short attempt to move past what had pissed me off and I wasn't ready to let it go. So he said he was gonna hang up since I didn't want to talk. Ok then.

 

In text, it's usually me that gets over it first and I'm a babbler, which he enjoys. So I will go back to babbling at probably a slower rate than usual. Last time I think I said 2 things.. Had to wait 2 hours, during which he read what I said but said nothing. Duuuude, you're that mad? And sighed. Lol. Then said something about something else. An hour later he finally said something. Me rolling my eyes at my phone but in all it was 5 hours before he was done being mad.

 

Hes told me to go take a nap before he'd be there when I was ready. It was an awesome thing for me. My friend on the other hand would take that badly. Lol.

[Emilia]

She doesn't respect you OP. Eyeroll means disdain. Why would someone who has no respect for you be seen by you 'as the one'? You are in an LDR, you hardly know her. Why not find someone [else]?

Edited January 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[RaeB]

I don't believe in the silent treatment personally, I find it a little immature, as adults we should be able to communicate properly, that being said if you know your gf's response is the silent treatment I would automatically remove myself from the argument. Nothing good is going to happen from one person apologising and the other saying absolutely nothing.

 

While lds are hard on any relationshipl the precious few moments you can get together should not be wasted as each time it happens it just gets harder to get back to where you should be.

 

My ex-husband use to pull the silent treatment on me all the time, I too am someone who would say sorry (and I did mean it when I was at fault) but over time I was saying sorry for things I was not at fault for because it was the only way to end the argument and silence in the shortest time possible. It will take a toll on you mentally and your relationship will be put under enormous stress. It's obviously already niggling at you.

 

My grandma always said "never let the sun go down on an argument". I wish you well.

[CarrieT]

So my gf and I have been together for over 7 months now. Everything's GREAT and i'm certain she is the one. The only issue at the moment is the distance. We are having a LDR (15 hr time difference) at the moment but it will be fixed soon as she will be relocating sometime this year or early next year.

How much time have you two actually spent in each others' presence?

 

Getting through issues like yours is going to be a make-or-break in dealing with whether you guys should be together "forever."

 

If you can't work through these issues and talk through them now, expect there to be bigger issues when/if she actually does move to be with you. In that instance, please make sure you have a LONG engagement.

[carhill]

When was the last time you were physically together?

 

IMO, leave things be and, presuming you want to continue, get plans in place to press some flesh. Very important in these distance things. Back when I was doing that stuff, mostly FSU/CIS, I would visit 3-4 times a year. Expensive but that's what one signs on for with LDR's or distance dating.

 

Expect these challenges in the future. Good point on the long engagement or definitely think it through before sponsoring a K1, as appropriate.

[Anderlie]

Sounds kind of like you both need to spend some time in the same room together and stop with the constant virtual communication. If there was a delay and she had somewhere to be then she should just say goodbye and go, then you could explain when you had a chance and arrange another time. Seriously why all the drama? You both need a hobby other than talking to each other.

[spiderowl]

I think I would have done the same in your situation. She was probably still feeling wound up, which was why she didn't just calm down and move on, but you had apologised.

 

I think she should have accepted your apology. I don't think you need to apologise again. But then again, I wouldn't put up with someone getting annoyed with me like that when I'd said sorry.

 

If you want to stay with her, you might find a book on Emotional Intelligence useful. Your girlfriend hadn't wound down and so, emotionally, was not in a state to 'move on'. Maybe realising that would have given you a different way of dealing with her. You have to ask yourself though whether she is worth it.