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How do you put up with "youth lost in solitude"?


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(note for moderators: Maybe you feel this thread should belong to Personal Development section. I posted on Dating section for 2 reasons: a) As a matter of fact asnwer to this question greatly influences dating situations so maybe it's very pragmatic matter and b) there is much more activity going on here and I really would like to hear opinions on it :) . Thank you)

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe sorry for such pathetic title, but I believe this might be a good questions as it greatly influences your life.

 

There are basically 2 types of people:

a) People who experienced it and know what I am talking about. To those there is no need to explain anything :)

b) People who did not experience it. With all respect, they will not be able to understand the struggle...Just as I couldn't understand life with metal disease - never had one and can't imagine the situation.

 

 

 

 

So, to the group a), you probably know what I am talking about very well: years have passed, you probably hoped that one day or another you meet partner you wish for but you didn't. Maybe you met some potential partners, had some talk but eventually they decided for somebody other or simply - not for you. And so you return home in the evening, sad, thinking of things that could be but are not. Yet you probably keep on trying, working on yourself, meeting new people, making new acquaintances... but eventually it's your hand who conforts you and instead of romantic talk you maybe have chat on Skype with friend playing some game trying to forget what has happened.

 

Problem is, years have passed and you are still alone. Like me I am 27...:

 

- Teenage years of dating - gone forever (well, in my case - this time I did not try for anything really :) ):

- Yearly college, meeting tons of people, party and stuff - lost in eventual solitude. You study, finish you assigment, go to gym, have some chat with friends, playing some video games and go to sleep...

- University time, time for serious relationships, possibly thinking who are you going to spend your life with - lost forever. You finish your assigment, have talk with colleagues about progress of the project, than gym again, beer and sleep...

- Early job market entry - setting new life, leavng dormitory and moving with your partner to very own (rented) flat. setting up a real "adult" life - again, you work till late hours, go to gym, have a beer with friends, go sleep. Repeat.

 

Life filled up with work, study, hibbies, friends... but no intimate stuff. No romance, no (real) love, no sex, no nobody you can tell how you really feel, what's going on in your mind... Moreover complexes for "everybody being in relationship, just you looser all alone as always", women smile at you, than say goodbye, leaving you stand alone in a rain (this virtually happened to me - not even once), feeling sexually frustrated, and probably above all: scared what is going to be next. "You have been looser for your whole time (when it comes to romance life), now people are going to watch you as you grow old while they settle families, raise children... and you will struggle all alone..." Plus, let us not forget when people find out (somehow) you are dude with no romantic life, they will look to you like some sort of inferior one - probably weak, pathetic, simple or feeble minded, not manly enough (In my case: I do fighting sports. They are free to tell me to the eyes how weak I am... I know a few very good sportsmen (fighters, heavy iron lifters) with the same problem. Also smart ones, scientists, even businessmen.).

 

 

I think you understand what I mean.

 

 

How do you put up with such toughts?

 

 

 

 

But pretty please, I kindly ask you, DO NOT post these 2 types of answers

 

1) "just be patient. Focus on work, study, hobbie and love eventually comes."

 

Thwere are 2 things wrong with it: a) even if you are right, this does not solve the problem! Maybe you find somebody, but eventually you break up and here you are again - standing in a rain, alone, having all these feeling, these complexes again. You are exactly where you were and nothing changed b) This is just facing away your real problem and how long can you do that? Weeks? Few months? I have been like this for 8 years!...

 

2) "I deserve it. I am not as good as others- handsome, wealthy, successful, outgoing..."

 

BULLSH@T!!! The game of dating is NOT just you "don't deserve" happiness. I can think of tons of people who are not smart, not hardworking, not mature for their age, even messed up yet they live nice romantic life. Don't seek justice in this. This is something that comes to some people and leaves others... little you can do about it...

 

 

 

so, yeah... Thanks for responses. I really would like to hear your opinion.

 

V.

Edited by Vilgefoz
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OP, I totally get you because I have been in your same situation for years. I am 29, I am a woman and I haven't had a relationship for a while. Spent most of my teenagehood and University years alone.

 

I Can say that Being young and lonely is even harder when you are a girl. Because when men grow older they still have many options and they still can date younger girls and find younger girls who want to date them.

 

With women it is different - we grow older and honestly I wouldnt like to date a guy who is younger than me (well if I met the right guy and he was younger I wouldnt reject him.but I particularly prefer older men). Most men who are my age and single are either players or divorced or have a very dark past with their relationships. Obviously there are exceptions but they are rare. And plus Society is always pressurring women to get Married, I Dont give a **** about that but it is annoying.

 

Now how do I deal with it?

Well I used to be devastated but now I feel good about myself.I think it is never Late to meet someone and everybody has a specific path to follow in their lives. Now I will be getting a little metaphysical but I think things happen when they are supposed to happen in our lives. Plus we must be 100% aware that we are responsible for our own fates... If we are single because we decided to be career oriented, well that is because it was a choice we made.I could have spent my youth in frat parties and meet guys but I wanted to become a successful professional and honestly I Dont regret my decision.I would have done it again no matter if that meant I would be single for a while.

 

We are responsible for our choices and we should never regret making them. We have done what we thought to be the Best thing to be done at that particular moment. Regret is not an option.

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OP, I totally get you because I have been in your same situation for years. I am 29, I am a woman and I haven't had a relationship for a while. Spent most of my teenagehood and University years alone.

 

I Can say that Being young and lonely is even harder when you are a girl. Because when men grow older they still have many options and they still can date younger girls and find younger girls who want to date them.

 

With women it is different - we grow older and honestly I wouldnt like to date a guy who is younger than me (well if I met the right guy and he was younger I wouldnt reject him.but I particularly prefer older men). Most men who are my age and single are either players or divorced or have a very dark past with their relationships. Obviously there are exceptions but they are rare. And plus Society is always pressurring women to get Married, I Dont give a **** about that but it is annoying.

 

Now how do I deal with it?

Well I used to be devastated but now I feel good about myself.I think it is never Late to meet someone and everybody has a specific path to follow in their lives. Now I will be getting a little metaphysical but I think things happen when they are supposed to happen in our lives. Plus we must be 100% aware that we are responsible for our own fates... If we are single because we decided to be career oriented, well that is because it was a choice we made.I could have spent my youth in frat parties and meet guys but I wanted to become a successful professional and honestly I Dont regret my decision.I would have done it again no matter if that meant I would be single for a while.

 

We are responsible for our choices and we should never regret making them. We have done what we thought to be the Best thing to be done at that particular moment. Regret is not an option.

 

Thank you GingerVixen for your response. You are very wise woman and I will be thinking of what you said...

 

You are right dating becomes harder for women as they grow older... I can tell virtually EVERY man wants 18 y.o. (in EU it's 17 :) ) girl (mostly just for sex) simple because she is young and pretty. Even like 35+ males would totally take her. Bein 35+ woman and single... well, that's tough. Little advice: Train like crazy! seriously, it keeps you look and feel young and you might become attractive even beyon your imagination!

 

 

I have to think about "regret is not an option". It's easy to say, harder to follow. You know, loneliness is not a choice, it's a deep biological instinct. I regret nothing too, but frankly, it does not help much... the reality is how it is. Sex is deep primodial need. Just like hunger, sleep of thirst. Having a partner is basic social need. Like having friends, somebody around you. Without it, some mental damage is inevitable. Love is very important for fulfillment for our lives. Not having it is like doing something you don't believe in, but you are forced to do... I might say to myself: "I regret nothing. I did my best and I am OK with it". I did my best, yeah, but am I really OK with outcome or am I just lying to myself?... I don't want to live in lie, I want to see the truth... however painful is.

 

 

"Plus we must be 100% aware that we are responsible for our own fates... "

 

This is the point where I completely disagree with you. We do have some degree of freedom in life, but fate has much more power we that would like. For instance if you born beautiful - life in solitude, underprivileged is unknow to you. I did not choose to be lonely. I did my very best not to be so, yet here I am.

 

Thank you for your response, I have to think of it...

Edited by Vilgefoz
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....

 

 

So, I was thinking of it... and yes, you are right. I did even more then my best and even though it did not work out, I have nothing to regret. Life is a beetch, it's simple as it is. Feeling sorry or butthurt helps nothing. Also, facing challanges, dealing with them like adult people is what makes us stronger, beter.

 

 

...uh, why do I care writing... probably no one reads anyway...

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"How's that working for you?"

 

That's the question I ask myself when examining my attitude to any given aspect of my life.

 

Consider for a second.

 

Belief 1:

 

I am a loser. I haven't had a girlfriend in forever. Clearly I'm faulty. No woman will ever want me. I must be defective some how. I'm going to be like this forever, so I just have to accept it. God it hurts so much. I'm so lonely. Why is life like this...

 

Belief 2:

 

Man, finding a partner is tough. I feel pretty discouraged right now. But hey, on the whole I think I'm a pretty cool guy. I've got a lot going for me. I'm actually pretty happy with who I am, my life and where I'm headed. Sure, it gets lonely, but I do my best to focus on the stuff I can control. Plus, if I'm honest, I haven't exactly been asking girls out on dates! I'm going to try out on of those speed dating nights. Who knows right?

 

---

 

So, tell me. Which of the above sound like it's going to be easier to live with? Which one of those thought patterns is going to make it easier to move through the world.

 

Life rewards action. Not intent, not wishes or dreams. Action. You want things to change. You *must* change. Change your style, change your lifestyle. Try new things? Push against the comfort of "being home alone".

 

If you're unwilling to change, then, the situation will most likely stay the same.

 

Does all that effort guarantee success? Of course not. But there's a old saying. You miss a 100% of the shots you don't take. Trying and failing is a hell of a lot more productive than sitting around whining "woe as me".

 

Apply yourself to your life, take the actions required, not the ones that are easy or comfortable.. but the ones you *actually* need to do.

 

That's the difference between the successful and everyone else. The successful figure out a course of action and execute it. Despite setbacks, or pain, or frustration. They choose to do something and do it.

 

You can to. It's up to you.

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"How's that working for you?"

 

That's the question I ask myself when examining my attitude to any given aspect of my life.

 

...

 

Thank you for your response. However I must admit it might missed original topic of this post. I asked how people cope with missed life happynes and you posted motivational post that might be suitable for other threads better.

 

Best regards,

 

V.

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i'm a man. Never was a social person, have no friends ( = no one to call at my birthday or new years eve). I'm good looking. I have an average job.

 

Romantically speaking, i have been lonely until i was 23, and ever since then i've always had relationships with very short breaks inbetween.

 

Now i'm 34, recently single, in a small city, and i can clearly feel that a train has passed.

 

To put it bluntly i'm not dating material because i have one major problem : i'm boring. Boring because my hobbies cannot be the subject of a conversation (social dancing), my job is boring and nothing happens worth mentioning there, and i can't even tell stories about friends i do not have.

 

How do i cope ?

 

To be honest i've coped with loneliness for a long time by getting lost in online gaming in my 20, trying a job change in my early 30, but now it's like all the fire has deserted me.

 

I've been resigned to dying alone at that point, or suicide after my mother passes away (don't want to hurt her).

 

I just cannot imagine going on living like this, knowing people rightly judge me as the loner i really am.

 

My day to day life is very very sad, and i cannot hide it any longer, sometimes a random-encounter honest person will bluntly tell me what i already know : my pain, sadness, negativity show up on my face like a solar flare.

 

I can't magine how people can survive all their life like this. i Know i won't.

 

One question for you please: I see you suffer of rather advanced depression. Have you always been depression(melancholy) inclined person or is your current state rather result of recent events? How do you feel about it, please?

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Thank you for your response. However I must admit it might missed original topic of this post. I asked how people cope with missed life happynes and you posted motivational post that might be suitable for other threads better.

 

Best regards,

 

V.

 

I apologise, perhaps I didn't frame my response correctly.

 

I cope by reminding myself that it's on me. I cope by trying to take actions, however small, towards improving my life.

 

In short, I cope by trying to use the methods I outlined in my original post.

 

I hope that clarifies my response a little.

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It's very interesting hearing about the other end of the spectrum. I was married and it was absolutely horrible. Being a 36 year old bachelor is like heaven on earth to me!

 

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Just know that the other side isn't necessarily any better and comes with its own share of major pitfalls. I wouldn't recommend marriage today.

 

Please don't think I'm diminishing your experience. I just find it interesting that due to my experiences I am reluctant to give up the way of life that you wish to escape from.

 

Relationships are a lot work, and a lot of noise. I guess I just appreciate the silence in my old age. :)

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Put as much effort Into dating as complaining about dating and she might come.....anyone can get anyone these days. I've see miracles.

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I apologise, perhaps I didn't frame my response correctly.

 

I cope by reminding myself that it's on me. I cope by trying to take actions, however small, towards improving my life.

 

In short, I cope by trying to use the methods I outlined in my original post.

 

I hope that clarifies my response a little.

 

Yes, I understand your mentality. Good luck!

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I've read that depression is 50% genetical and 50% due to life events.

 

My father was a depressed person (that's for the genetics).

 

My childhood was unhappy because of him and i've never recovered from it, and my depression which was born from being a loner/nerd lead me to make very bad life choices (boring job, pushing away the only woman who wanted me as a father of her children, and then choosing poor "romantical" partners who only wanted me for the wild sex and nothing nelse).

 

So my depression is the result of decades of being lonely and alone, and having a depressed father (or so i think), and the more i feel the harsh reality of my unavoidable loneliness, the more negative and depressed i am, and the less desirable i become to other people (wether as friends or lovers).

 

What i think about it ? I think after having written all of that i'm going to take meds and see a therapist, because i've tried for years to be proactive (tried switching jobs - and failed, talking to people - and being cued that i'm not worth it, trying to flirt midly with women - and being ignored very quickly), but it didn't pay off, and i don't want to die alone.

 

 

Thank you for response William.

 

Actually, I asked because you seem to be defying "modern opinions" everybody speak about - look does not matter, it's about personality. You mentioned you had quite a few relationships (I am not sure of quality, but you did mention quantity in positive matter) with "short breaks between". There are 2 things abou that a) you admitted you look rather good and b) your personality (with all due respect) does not seem like "strong, confident person with interesting life style naturally attracting people" as everybody talks about as idol of "moder man attracting women".

 

In other words, I had this suspicion all my life - :) this "be nice and strong, you will overcome your look" is rather propaganda and as evolutionary biologist say, look IS one of the most important traits. On order hand they never mention traits like happiness or maturity to attract females.

 

That's why I asked.

 

 

 

If I understand correctly you mentioned planned suicide? If that is a thing, I would definitely recommend seeing a specialist and as soon as possible. It's very dangerous. There are different types of them, so you don't have to worry ending up in some clinic or so. For instance, when I feel depressed ( yes, sometimes I do feel too) I hire professional coach - the same type of people who help top CEOs increase their leadership potential. They work 100% on me.

 

Anyway, best luck to you! And may you feel better soon!

 

V.

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Put as much effort Into dating as complaining about dating and she might come.....anyone can get anyone these days. I've see miracles.

 

Heh heh heh dude, I would looove to see these miracles too! I have been on PUA forums for quite a few years and I saw the very opposite - hyper motivated young males repeating stuff as neowulf mentioned in his original post yet after several months some even years, burned out, unsuccessful and loosing respect of their surrounding because of constant failure. Guess what - I was one of them! I gave even more than my 100% yet here I am. On the other hand I saw dudes not doing anything out of ordinary, just living their life with whatever mindset they had (some were more joyful, some rather sadness-inclined, some nice, some cynical and malevolent) yet for "some" reason they ended up with girls they chose. Reason - well as far as I remember, most of them looked better than me. That is not because of body shape, few of them trained or so, they were just born pretty. That was it.

 

dunno... maybe I had bad luck to see only negative cases... you are most welcome to present me opposite!

 

Thank you.

 

V.

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