Is my girlfriend shallow?

[minimus]

Hey guys. So my gf and I have been together about a year and a half. Up until this point, to me she seemed like an awesome girl. I mean we've had minor arguments here and there, but nothing major.

 

But as time has gone on, I think the initial "blindness" of the relationship is starting to wear off and we're starting to notice things about each other that we've sort of brushed off when we first started dating. Specifically, I'm starting to think that my girlfriend may be extremely shallow.

 

For example, I've noticed that she feels the need to comment on the way people look. CONSTANTLY. Whenever we meet someone new or even if we are watching tv, she feels the need to make comments like, " That guy is so freaking ugly, he's gross looking" or "that guy is so damn good looking". Even if that someone is a perfectly nice person or is even just minding their own business, she makes those kinds of hurtful comments about people. She's also made "joking" comments about how she would leave me if I ever went bald or anything like that. But as time goes on, I'm not so sure she's joking. So the other day I decided I had had enough.

 

We were walking around the city and we happened to pass a pretty normal looking guy. As soon as we passed she turns to me and say "omg that guy was the ugliest guy I've ever seen etc etc". So I turned to her and said, "why do you feel the need to comment on the way everyone looks? I think it's kinda messed up how you always do that". After I said that I could tell she was angry, then she finally asked me why I was being so mean to her.

 

She's also told me stories about her ex boyfriend. Every time he comes up, she always mentions that he was a really nice and sweet guy and wasn't bad looking either. But she was never attracted to him throughout the course of their relationship because he was fat. I've met the guy before and he barely even qualified as overweight.

 

So what's the deal? Is she really just a shallow person and can't see it? I mean, what would ever happen if we stayed together. Would she just stop being into me just because I've gotten older or have a less hair or because I'm not in as good of shape? Any advice would be much appreciated

[hippychick3]

In a nutshell, yes.

 

Shallow and judgmental. I could not date someone like that.

[Grumpybutfun]

You already know the answer to this unless you are in denial for whatever reason. The question is whether this is someone you see sharing your life with. She sounds bored and unkind in general...

G

[basil67]

There have been times in my life when I've been put in my place for speaking out of turn or without thinking. And while I would initially be shocked at what was said to me, I was usually mortified afterwards and grateful for being pointed in the right direction. So, I think you did the right thing by speaking up.

 

The big question is whether she will take it to heart and come out of it a better person or whether she will deny she's doing anything wrong. If she changes, then you'll both be better for it. If she doesn't change and remains nasty and immature, then move on.

[lolablue17]

She may be doing this as an expression of low self esteem. She "needs" to classify people by their look, and as long as according to that scale, she consider herself high enough, than she feels fine. I'd assume she is doing it much more than you know, she just share a small part of it with you.

 

She needs your aproval of her being good looking in your eyes. If you start doing this and say "look how gorgeous this girl is", it will kill her.

 

She probably thinks you are strong man, and herself as not. I'd try to have an intimate conversation with her and do it from a weak position, that's how she will feel you're on the same level. Start with talking about the "If you ever get bald I will leave you" quote.

 

Tell her that it makes you worry. "Do you really mean it?" It can make a guy being stressed. If you come from a weak point, she will not be resentful and won't feel under attack.

Edited November 28, 2015 by lolablue17

[Qboro90]

I agree with Lola that she might have her own self esteem issues and not feel confident in her own skin therefore she needs to comment on others in order to make herself feel better when in fact there's no need to. This can be something that's developed due to a toxic precious relationship or just been something she's had within her her whole life.

 

You did the right thing in confronting her. Sometimes people don't even notice that they're doing something rude until it's pointed out to them. I think that your gf reacting with "why are you being mean to me" shows that she is not the kind of person who can take criticism well and instead turns it around to make it about you.

 

If she's still bent out of shape about it or you sense it's lingering in her head then address it again calmly. "You know I want you to know that I wasn't coming at you or anything the other day when you made that comment about the dude walking by and his looks. I mentioned it because that wasn't the first time I've noticed that from you. In fact, I find that you've always for some reason brought up looks, or how ugly/attractive someone is since I've known you and I just found it odd that you seem to go out of your way to do so, especially with people you have no idea anything about them or their lives."

 

Then loop in what she said about leaving you if you went bald. "I started thinking about it more when you said you'd leave me if I ever went bald. And just made me think that you hold the way someone looks in such high regard, and God forbid I ever lose my devastating good looks, you'll throw in the towel. So I just wondered what the reason was behind your physical observations or what you get out of saying "that is the ugliest guy I've ever seen" about a perfect stranger"

 

See if that puts her in her place and changes her tune. If not ,then it might be a sign of deeper issues she has and you should re evaluate .

[Madame_Noire]

I have a colleague who is just like this, all she does is comment on the lack of make up someone wears or what they are wearing.

 

She annoys me and now realise that she has no substance about her, I distance myself from her because that is all she talks about, nothing thought-provoking or stimulating. She is a very superficial, vacuous, self-absorbed person. She is in her thirties and she acts like she is half her age.

 

If I were in your situation, dating someone as shallow as her, I would be distancing myself too.

[Wewon]

Your girlfriend is mean. The reason you haven't noticed this is because she hasn't had an occasion to be mean to you.

[minimus]

Hey thanks for all the responses guys. I think you all made valid points. It's just over time I've come to notice things like this about her personality that I haven't noticed before, and I'm not so sure I'm happy with all of it. I think it very well may have something to do with her lack of self esteem. That she would need to put others done to make herself feel better. But I also think that looks are just something she values very highly. Like to her, I think insulting the way a person looks is the worst insult you can give to someone, as opposed to say insulting their personality of the value of their character.

 

I think that your gf reacting with "why are you being mean to me" shows that she is not the kind of person who can take criticism well and instead turns it around to make it about you.

 

This is a very good point and something I have noticed in the past. Initially, whenever we would have an argument, it would always end somehow with the blame placed on me. Even if she were to make some kind of comment that would bother me and I would try to talk to her about it, letting her know it's not something I'm comfortable with, she'd say things like "you're too sensitive, you can't take a joke". But God forbid I make the same type of comment back to her. Then it becomes, you're so hateful how could you say something like that?

 

I thought I was crazy initially, and at one point I honestly started to believe I was a mean person. But the more I've thought about it and the more people I talk to, I've come to realize that she has a knack for shifting the blame onto others, manipulating the situation and making the other person feel like they wronged her, even if I'm just trying to sit down and have a rational discussion and discuss my feelings with her. In her mind, she's always being criticized and feels the need to defend herself. I think that in her mind, she honestly believes that every single argument or fight we've had since we started dating has been caused by me. Sure, in hindsight I'll admit I was acting irrationally and definitely caused some of them. But I made that clear to her after the fact by coming to her and apologizing and explaining that I was wrong but I was too heated to see it at the time. The only times she's ever apologized since we've been together have been very superficial apologies in the heat of the moment. The type that come off as "Here's your damn apology". But never anything that comes off as genuine. Just the type that feels like she's saying it to shut me up.

[minimus]

I guess I just needed to vent to other people a little bit. And hear that I'm not totally crazy. But to me it seems like the shallowness is a part of a deeper issue that's engrained into her personality. The fact that she has low self esteem. And it seems like this is made worse by the fact that in her mind she is always the victim. Like I said above, I honestly think she believes I'm attacking her every single time we have an argument or I sit down with her to discuss something that's bothering me.

 

But I know now that that is not the case because I've seen her do it with her family as well. She always seems to be fighting with her mom and sister, and without fail, every time, she attributes it to the fact that they're mean people and attack her for no reason. I believed her up until recently when I noticed that she does the same thing with me and plays the victim card. I think she has an issue with taking responsibility for things and accepting that part of the blame falls on her. Instead, she manipulates the situation to make the other person feel like they have wronged her when in reality that is not the case

[preraph]

I'm afraid it goes beyond just shallow. People who find it necessary to find fault with others and comment on it constantly also have bad self-esteem, which she may be masking with false confidence and overcompensating by, just as an example, dressing beyond her means or living beyond her means. In addition, she just sounds mean and unempathetic. I'm glad your blinders are coming off because here's what it adds up to in 10 years, married with kids:

 

A mother who cares more about appearances than about substance.

A woman who will drain every credit card to make herself look like she's rich to other people who she assumes are judging her as harshly as she is judging them.

An unempathetic mother who will care more that her little girl is plump than what kind of grades she's making and will poison your kids brains with superficiality.

A wife who will never be satisfied with what she has and will only become more desperate as you both age.

And she's mean, so you can fill in that blank.

 

This one isn't a keeper. Self-esteem issues begin in childhood and are hard to "cure." Pat yourself on the back that you are starting to see past her glossy exterior. And then cut her loose.

[bubbaganoosh]

My first wife was like that. She had a habit of making snide comments about everyone and even went so far to make a nasty remark about a lady with special needs. I warned her many times that her big mouth will get her in trouble if she didn't curb it. Her reply was I say what's on my mind and that's the way it is.

 

Couple years after we were divorced, I pick my daughter up for the weekend and my daughter is waiting on the porch and as soon as I got there she got in my truck and we drove off. I asked her how she's doing and she said fine but Mom came home with a black eye.

 

When I dropped my kid off a couple days later I asked her how she got the shiner and she said she had a accident and got it.

 

Two days after that a friend of mine told me that she made a remark in the parking lot to some woman and the lady on the receiving end of the comment didn't like it one bit and just reached out and tagged her a good one in the eye. But then a leopard never changes it's spots. That was back in the mid 80's and to this day she still has a mouth on her.

[Imported]

I think I'm a pretty shallow person. I appreciate outer beauty and am unabashedly attracted to that and a girl will get a free "once around the block" card from me just for being that. But I don't go around putting people down.

 

I agree with some others here. Your girlfriend is beyond just shallow. She's mean.

[veggirl]

She's a mean girl. Is she so perfect herself, sheeeeeesh. What a snot. I'd tell her to drop the attitude because you are NOT attracted to it and it makes HER ugly.

[AspenBaldwin]

Tell her you would like to start a family with her, but warn her that if she gains any weight during pregnancy you will dump her.