Girlfriend never makes the plans

[python23]

Hello all, a little background been official with This girl for a month. Dating for 2 months previous to that. We've always seen each other once or twice a week maximum. We text a lot throuout the week and both initiate texting. We've met each other's parents and we've been away for a weekend.

 

She says the right things such as I really like you and I'm falling for you, and I'm looking forward to Christmas with you. Her mother thinks I'm amazing and has told her how lucky she is. She said she agrees, and that she can't believe her luck. But since day one she's said she wants to take things slow and is only happy with 1-2 twice a week. I'm ok with this but she never asks me when I'm free. I always have to ask her, and the last 3 weeks she's been out with friends and family and has told me she's only free for lunch on Sunday's. I've arranged a couples night with my friends and their girlfriends in a couple of weeks and invited her along and she's said she's looking forward to it.

 

But this week I've noticed it's always me making the plans so I've backed off abit. We last text on Tuesday as normal, Wednesday she tagged me in something on Facebook and we had a little joke about it, no texts, and no texts yesterday. Usually I ask her what we are doing at the weekend by Tuesday at the latest but this week ive left it and we haven't even spoken to each other properly since Tuesday, no arguments no disagreements I've just backed off,

 

She only split with her ex in May who cheated on her, she's mentioned him a couple of times and I found out early on he was texting her saying he regretted things. She told me she would never go back there.

 

But last week she told me she text him wishing him good luck in a test he had and I asked why? And she said well he wished me luck in my driving test so I thought I'd do the same, I didn't think it would always be bad between us?

 

So my gut tells me I'm just the guy she's rebounding with, and the guy who makes her feel better when she's nothing else to do. I'm confused because when we do meet up we have a great time and we both split paying for everything. And even when I pay she's always willing to pay her half, so she's not in it for a free ride.

 

What should I do? Surely if she was into me a lot she would want to see me a lot more ?

Edited November 27, 2015 by python23

[TheArtist]

It's a strange thing and I wish I could give you a little more than telling you that this kind of thing did happen to me in the past.

 

My girlfriend at the time was receiving the occasional text from 'some guy who contacts me now and again, I usually ignore them'. I didn't think anything of it and we had a great relationship for about three months.

 

Eventually we split up because I was trying to get her to commit a little more to the relationship than she was, similar to your situation I guess, and she eventually said she needed space. We split and that was that.

 

She contacted me on Facebook a few days later about 'having made a mistake' and asking me for advice on 'this guy she still likes'. I thought she was playfully asking me out again but, and you might see where I'm going, it turned out to be the other guy she was talking about.

 

It might be that she's not fully over her ex and they do say that after a few months of no contact you do start missing the old relationship. I could be wrong; I'm certainly no expert.

 

Just know that your situation isn't a unique one.

[Qboro90]

How old are the two of you? Honestly, you're not going to want to hear this but it sounds like this girl is either 1. back talking to/seeing her ex again and that's why she can only see you on certain days and isn't bothered by not speaking to you for days at a time , 2. She knows you're not going to complain and are scared of losing her so she can do whatever she wants without consequence.

 

First off, if your in a relationship, you talk to that person every day. Even if it's just "hey, I'm crazy busy today and won't be home till late but I wanted to say hi and see how your days going" . The fact that your gf doesn't care enough to want to text or call you once a day is concerning.

 

Also, just because she's telling you she's looking forward to things, or that her mom thinks you're great, or she doesn't wanna see you more than 1-2 times a week, doesn't mean you should blindly believe her and take her word as law. She could easily be saying things to keep you on the leash and not press her for more information. If she goes out with her friends and will go to parties or places to socialize... Why doesn't she want her BF there with her? It's fine to have girls night out now and then, but she should want to include you in her social life if she really does care about you.

 

Her ex cheated on her so that's why the relationship ended. This always worries me because she still had feelings for him and the relationship only ended because he was unfaithful. She never stopped liking him, she was forced to break up because of what he did. If he's texting her and trying to communicate and get back in her life, even things like "good luck on your test" that means she's letting him and is open to reconciling if he says "I've changed, I miss you."

 

If I were you, I wouldn't text her or ask her to hang out until she asks you. If she never asks to see you then there's your answer. If she cared about you she would say "so what are we doing this weekend?" At some point.

 

 

Also... Asking her to make plans by Tuesday at the latest is way to early to think about the weekend. It's not necessary to plan the weekend that early in the week. She's your gf, you should be able to hit her up on Friday and say "so did u want me to come over tn or are you gonna come here?" Without any prob

[python23]

She's 22 and I'm 26. She was with him for 3 years. Thank you both for your replies I appreciate it. It does concern me that she's never let go of her ex who's actually cheated on her twice, and still lives with the girl he last cheated on her with.

 

Don't get me wrong she does text me every day and I text her first sometimes too. That's 50-50 but since Tuesday all she's done is tag me in the odd post on Facebook. And last night after tagging her self at the cinema with her two friends she sent me a snap chat to just me or her in her pjs. I didn't reply.

 

This morning she text me saying I hope you're ok so I've reacted coolly and and said hey babe yes I'm great thanks how are you? I'm still waiting for a reply. She's clearly noticed I've backed off.

 

 

I told her last week that I would like to see her more but I appreciate the fact that she's busy. She said she adores me for understanding and she admitted she is struggling to keep everybody happy as all her friends in different places want to catch up with her now she's driving

 

If she replies today with you've been quiet or anything along those like what should I say?

 

I was thinking this???

 

well nothing's been arranged for this weekend as you haven't mentioned getting together or anything so I just assumed you were busy and had more preferred things to do xx

Edited November 28, 2015 by python23

[Qboro90]

Why don't you bring up how you're a little bit dissapointed by how communicates with you and you're starting to feel like she could care less if she sees you at all each week. She's your gf, you should fully expect to get replies to your texts and calls within a short amount of time. If she's busy, she can have the courtesy to say "sry babe, busy right now, I'll text you as soon as I'm free". Just like you shouldn't ignore her snaps or texts either. When your partner texts or calls you, you answer. And you don't take 4 hours to reply.

 

Tell her that in the entire time you've been together, she's never once asked you to hang out or made a plan for something to do together. She might not have even noticed so it's fair that you can bring it up and say "I just want to know that my gf wants to see me as much as I wanna see her. It would be Nice if every once in a while you text or called me and said "hey, do you wanna go see a movie with me Saturday? Or can we go to dinner Friday? "

[Qboro90]

Also, what is she so busy with? At her age It seems odd that she literally has no time to text, talk , or see you. Sunday for lunch is all she can do? Is she working multiple jobs? Is she a doctor who's on call? Something is up here, it doesn't add up.

[python23]

Thanks il say that final part it she says anything like that. We always text Each other back quite quickly unless we are working that's never been a problem. And her snap chat this morning was sent at 12-05. Which I didn't see until I woke up so I'm hardly going to a reply to just a picture if I've not spoken to her for 3 days. I woke arrange anything now and let her do that.

[python23]

Also, what is she so busy with? At her age It seems odd that she literally has no time to text, talk , or see you. Sunday for lunch is all she can do? Is she working multiple jobs? Is she a doctor who's on call? Something is up here, it doesn't add up.

 

She does dance 3 nights a week and teaches dance on a Saturday afternoon which she's always done so I appreciate that. Which means she's free 3-4 nights a week. 3 of which as usually taken up by friends and family it seems

[python23]

I personally think she likes the idea of telling people and her ex how she has a guy who treats her so well, more than actually wanting a guy like me. Since he's with this other girl she probably feels better not being single

[Qboro90]

She does dance 3 nights a week and teaches dance on a Saturday afternoon which she's always done so I appreciate that. Which means she's free 3-4 nights a week. 3 of which as usually taken up by friends and family it seems

 

So she's free during the day mon-fri and only busy for a short time on Saturday afternoons? Jeez... Why is she dating you if she doesn't want to talk, or see you? Why are you dating her? If I'm dating someone I expect more than this. It's one thing if she's busy working mon-Friday 9-5, or 3pm-11pm ... But your gf is basically working part time and only seeing you once on Sunday afternoons? You need to have a serious talk about what she wants from a relationship and also express what you want.

 

If she's just dating you to show her ex that she's not alone and has someone that treats her nice. Then you're just a facade she's using to play around with her ex. That's unfair to you.

[python23]

You've misunderstood me, she works 9-5 5 days week. Goes to dance straight from work 3 nights and teaches Saturday afternoon. So it's understandable she wants the odd night to her self, but all I expect is her to show abit of effort in finding out when I'm free sometimes. That would go a long way

[Qboro90]

You've misunderstood me, she works 9-5 5 days week. Goes to dance straight from work 3 nights and teaches Saturday afternoon. So it's understandable she wants the odd night to her self, but all I expect is her to show abit of effort in finding out when I'm free sometimes. That would go a long way

 

Ahh ok, you're right I did misread. That's a bit different then. Her schedule is full. You should still be able to get a "hey how's your day" or "busy now I'll call you once I'm outta here" from her. If she has time to see her friends then she has time to see you.

 

How often would you see she sees her friends? For example... If she hangs out with her friends 5 times in a month and sees you 3 times in a month... Then you should ask her why she A. Doesn't want to include you in her social circle, it's an excuse just to see you more plus she can bang out with her friends as well and B. Why those numbers can't flip and her see you 5 times a month and her friends 3 times.

I'm definitely the kind of person who thinks that each person in a relationship should have their own individuality and ability to be with their friends without their BF/gf tagging along every time... However I also think that once you start dating someone and have a busy schedule, the free time that you can give, can be devoted to your relationship because you already know that your friends are your friends and don't need to worry about losing them. She does have to worry about losing you if you never see her or she's spending her time elsewhere.

[python23]

I would say I see her on average 5 times a month. She probably sees her friends 5-6 Times a month also, but 99% of the times I see her is because I've asked her when she's free, and two of those last 5 times have been on a Sunday for lunch for 2 hours.

[Qboro90]

I would say I see her on average 5 times a month. She probably sees her friends 5-6 Times a month also, but 99% of the times I see her is because I've asked her when she's free, and two of those last 5 times have been on a Sunday for lunch for 2 hours.

 

And when is she hanging out with her friends?

[python23]

Usually friday or a Saturday night, sometimes she stays in with parents. I've seen her twice on a Saturday in the last month I think. Once was a Wednesday night when I said I wanted to see her after her driving test and the other times have been Sunday's. No alone time either as we both live with parents currently, I moved back Earlier this year to save for a house deposit.

[Qboro90]

Usually friday or a Saturday night, sometimes she stays in with parents. I've seen her twice on a Saturday in the last month I think. Once was a Wednesday night when I said I wanted to see her after her driving test and the other times have been Sunday's. No alone time either as we both live with parents currently, I moved back Earlier this year to save for a house deposit.

 

So why doesn't she want you to come over on Friday and Saturday nights? She'd rather see her friends who she's seen a million times and only see you for 2 hours on Sunday's? Instead she could have you come over on Friday and Saturdays, or Friday's see her friends, Saturday's she sees you. Not sure why you're ok with barely seeing her for a little bit on Sunday's when she can easily choose to see you Friday's and Saturday.

[python23]

I'm not ok with it that's the reason why I'm on here. I'm not arranging anything until she does a couple of times. And if she doesn't, then il have my answer. I've learnt to trust actions over words over the last few years.

[python23]

She very rarely asks me what I'm up to at the weekends when I'm not with her. When I see her ok Sunday's she says things like, so what have you done this week? Where were you on Friday? As if she has to ask these questions. She's not text me back since I said I was good this morning; she will be sulking with me most likely as I haven't spoken to her for 3 days.

[Qboro90]

She very rarely asks me what I'm up to at the weekends when I'm not with her. When I see her ok Sunday's she says things like, so what have you done this week? Where were you on Friday? As if she has to ask these questions. She's not text me back since I said I was good this morning; she will be sulking with me most likely as I haven't spoken to her for 3 days.

 

Well instead of playing the "I'm not talking to you until you talk to me and invite me to hang out" game... Why don't you be the mature one and tell her that you need to talk with her so ask if she could call you when she had time to talk. If she doesn't call you reasonably quickly then she's not concerned with your feelings.

 

You're 26 years old, not 16... If you have an issue with something in your relationship, you bring it up and address it with your gf. You don't do the silent treatment and get her to be pissed off at you for ignoring her. That'll just make her spiteful when you do talk to her. If you address this today and she sees your point, you could be hanging out with her tonight or tomorrow, or both. If you let it drag on then this entire weekend will be wasted and you'll go another week without seeing her.

 

This seems like high school drama and mindsets. She doesn't have her license and she's 22? Both still living at home and unable to realize that she can invite you over fri and Saturday instead of her friends? Sounds odd

[python23]

Update.

 

We had a chat over text on saturday and I told her how it all comes across to me. She more or less said she understood and just said she's that busy and she's finding it hard to make time due to all her commitments. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she asked me if I was free Sunday afternoon, she suggested we get festive and go and have a look at all the Christmas shops. So I said yes and I picked her up the next day.

 

Things went well we had a laugh but she wasn't in the best of moods. She was tired from dance and was on her period she said. Her legs were aching so I jokingly said " what have I signed myself up for" while laughing and with my arm round her. She just replied with a shrug of the shoulders and said "sign yourself out if you want" I laughed it off but I thought this was a strange reply if I'm honest. Maybe I'm looking into too much.

 

On the way home she had taken my thoughts into account and asked me when I was free, she told me she was only free Thursday night and Sunday day. So I said yes that sounds good. Thursday we've arranged a pub quiz and Sunday the Christmas markets in the city center. She always said she wanted to spend nye with me which sounds positive.

I felt really good about everything and I thought we might have turned a corner.

 

Last night I text her asking how her how her day was and she replied with a few things then at the end said oh I forgot, we can't meet up on Sunday I forgot I was going to see a show with everyone from dance. So I just replied with "oh ok then no problem"

 

She replied with, I completely forgot!! Nothing I can do" "it's fine babe I said "have fun."

 

Then I got a "thanks, night X"

 

So she clearly thought I was complaining about this cancellation. I'm disappointed if I'm honest. It just shows more lack of investment. What do you think? I don't want to give up on her yet I'm not at that point yet. But I do feel I need to invest less and care less about making plans. How do I go about this ? I felt disappointed again last night and still do.

Edited December 1, 2015 by python23

[SwordofFlame]

I hate to tell you, if you consistently are and also feel that you're putting a lot more effort into the relationship than your partner is...it's probably not going to end well. It never has for me in these situations. If one day you're expecting her to start reciprocating somewhere around the same level of effort, forget about it. Not going to happen. I would just move on from her. She doesn't seem like she's all that interested in you.

[Qboro90]

Update.

 

We had a chat over text on saturday and I told her how it all comes across to me. She more or less said she understood and just said she's that busy and she's finding it hard to make time due to all her commitments. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she asked me if I was free Sunday afternoon, she suggested we get festive and go and have a look at all the Christmas shops. So I said yes and I picked her up the next day.

 

Things went well we had a laugh but she wasn't in the best of moods. She was tired from dance and was on her period she said. Her legs were aching so I jokingly said " what have I signed myself up for" while laughing and with my arm round her. She just replied with a shrug of the shoulders and said "sign yourself out if you want" I laughed it off but I thought this was a strange reply if I'm honest. Maybe I'm looking into too much.

 

On the way home she had taken my thoughts into account and asked me when I was free, she told me she was only free Thursday night and Sunday day. So I said yes that sounds good. Thursday we've arranged a pub quiz and Sunday the Christmas markets in the city center. She always said she wanted to spend nye with me which sounds positive.

I felt really good about everything and I thought we might have turned a corner.

 

Last night I text her asking how her how her day was and she replied with a few things then at the end said oh I forgot, we can't meet up on Sunday I forgot I was going to see a show with everyone from dance. So I just replied with "oh ok then no problem"

 

She replied with, I completely forgot!! Nothing I can do" "it's fine babe I said "have fun."

 

Then I got a "thanks, night X"

 

So she clearly thought I was complaining about this cancellation. I'm disappointed if I'm honest. It just shows more lack of investment. What do you think? I don't want to give up on her yet I'm not at that point yet. But I do feel I need to invest less and care less about making plans. How do I go about this ? I felt disappointed again last night and still do.

 

 

Hate to sound mean but honestly man, you're letting this girl walk all over you and you don't even seem to realize it or care. You make this whole thread because she puts off seeing or hanging out with you and does other things instead like having her girlfriends over on Fridays and Saturdays. Then finally confront her with how it's making you feel and she says "aw I'm sorry, I'm just really busy, we can hang out Sunday afternoon if you want". And you're happy about that!? Lol dude, that's exactly what you were already doing.

Then she says you can hang out on Thursday and Sunday. Then bails on Sunday because she wants to go somewhere else with her friends? She didn't forget she had plans... She just doesn't care enough to want to see you instead.

 

You keep giving her the benefit of the doubt when you need to be more skeptical and raise your expectations of how she should treat you. You make it sound like she had these crazy commitments and she has 0 free time. Bro, she teaches/takes dance class... It's not exactly brain surgery or stressful to do everyday. If she's able to see her friends every weekend then she's not that busy and you're letting her treat you like a part time boyfriend whenever it's convenient for her.

 

Think about it. She doesn't text or call you to see how your day or week was.... She doesn't ever ask you to hang out or come over... She doesn't ever ask what you would like to do... She picks what you'll do together because she's selfish.

[Miss Peach]

What you've posted here doesn't sound too different from how my BF and I started. The difference once we settled into a relationship more and more I felt more comfortable inviting him with me to these things and we started to have our recurring 'date' nights and brought each other into our world more and more.

 

My BF also tried to pull some 'let me ask her out less to get her to bring it up' test which I still have tucked away in mind because it's the one thing that's contradicted all the wonderful things he's done.

 

I think it's promising she's asking about NYE, when you complained tried to come up with something, etc. I would say she probably likes you but I can't tell to what extent.

 

The thing is it doesn't seem like she has much time for you. IMO I would figure out how much time you feel you need in a relationship. Then have an honest talk with her in person. I doubt she is going to want to cut off friends, family work, or dance at this point. But I would say something like "At some point I would like to see you more and be more involved in your life. Do you envision that too? At what point in a relationship would you feel comfortable with that". I would see if she would feel comfortable to start incorporating you more into what she's doing in addition to your dates. I think this would be a good test of where she is.

 

If you make this about you versus her friends/family IMO you will lose.

[python23]

Update.

 

Last Thursday we met up, she told me that she was off for a few days leading up to Christmas and asked if I was free and as I had the same few days off work too I agreed and said we should plan a couple of things.

 

She asked if I was free the Tuesday just gone and this Friday she was supposed to be coming out with my friends and their girlfriends for a meal.

 

I had booked a table for the Tuesday just gone. At 8-57 on Tuesday morning I get a text saying "can we talk tonight?"

 

I ask what about and she said "me and you."

 

So my heart sank, I said this doesn't fill me with much confidence and an hour later she replied "just want to talk to you", I then asked if she was ending it and she said no, I asked if I should cancel the table and she said "yea we can talk at dinner" so I did just that. She later text me saying "im just not happy, I don't feel I can give you the time you want, right now I think you look forward to seeing me more than Me seeing you, maybe I've not got time for a serious relationship." What a heartless thing to say.

 

So to me that was the end, she had ended it right there.

 

So I replied with dignity, didn't beg, I just said" ok if that's how you feel then I respect that, I've only ever wanted to see you once or twice a week but if that's a chore to you then it's not going to work. I wish you the very best"

 

4 hours later I get a text saying "have you cancelled the table ?" Of course i said, you told me to.

 

"No I didn't I said we can talk around dinner" which was bull**** and her way of twisting it on me.

 

"You've just told me you don't look forward to our dates like I do and that you've not got time for me, that tells me everything I need to know, if things change you know where I am, if not then there's nothing else to say"

 

Then I get....... "So you're ending it then?"

 

And my last text to her was "what do you want me to say? You've just ended it by saying what you've said, why would I accept hearing you don't look forward to seeing me?"

 

She never replied and that was Tuesday. Considering her mum sat me down weeks ago and told me how her ex treated her so badly and that I have done the complete opposite and treated her brilliantly. Never controller her, never been needy, she's always done what she wanted to do, and she ends it like this, and tries to make it look like ive ended it. I'm crushed. But I know I don't deserve this.

Edited December 11, 2015 by python23

[python23]

If she text me asking how I am or anything should I not reply at all or should I correct her let her know that I didn't end this, and that I know that she was trying to flip it on me? Or shall I just leave it ? Act cool and remain calm

Edited December 11, 2015 by python23