I'm a bitch. Proceed with caution.

[jango]

This is a f*ck up and I'm a bitch. You have been warned.

 

Two months ago a friend of mine told me he was having doubts about his new relationship.

 

He and I had always been flirty and I knew he liked me as more than just as a friend, but I made it clear to him I didn't want a relationship with him (despite really liking him, but the circumstances were wrong) and when he committed to his girlfriend it pretty much ended the flirty, jokey way me and him always were with each other.

 

The girlfriend knew about me, she knew the boy and I were friends, she knew also that he had liked me very much and this made her nervous.

 

One day she accessed his telephone bill, via the internet, found out my number and called me. Bit weird, bit stalkerish, but still. The girl and I became, well not really friends, not close, but we talked on the phone and on IM. She was always the instigator of our conversations - mostly because she always wanted to speak to me about HIM, and I found it an uncomfortable situation. I knew his feelings for me and I knew he was very unsure of his feelings for her (which he told me was a separate issue to his feelings for me). He used the words suffocating and irritating about the way she made him feel. Said she wasn't giving him space, that she was trying to fill gaps in him that just didn't exist.

 

Anyway. He swore me to secrecy about his feelings for her. He said she deserved to know them but threatened never to speak to me again if I told her. (He's since apologized for ever doing this so cut him so slack even though it was a w&nky thing to do). So I kept quiet. Mostly when the girlfriend and I spoke she told me he never called her, that he was uncommunicative when he did, that he was giving her mixed messages, one day saying he loved her and the next being overly pragmatic, that sort of thing.

 

I agreed with her that he was a major f*ck up where women are concerned, that he finds it hard to form adult relationships, that he can't love anyone more than he loves himself, all of which I believe to be true, mostly because he's told me those things himself.

 

At New Year he told me he couldn't continue with his relationship any more because he was in love with me. At this point I should have stuck to my guns and said I still didn't want a relationship with him, but I didn't. I told him I liked him too and had always known he liked me. And I begged him to tell the girlfriend, saying he was being cruel to her to not tell her how he felt, and that he was putting me in a very difficult situation because every time I went online she seemed to be waiting on IM and would pounce on me for a chat about him and I hated not being able to put the poor girl out of her misery.

 

I spoke to her on IM twice I think since New Year and told her she and I couldn't discuss the boy any more. I said it wasn't fair me being in the middle of their problems, knowing too much on both sides and explained I felt very uncomfortable with the situation. But she said if I didn't want to talk about him that would show a lack of transparency in my friendship with him, and knowing I was attracted to him and him to me made her mistrust us both, question our motives etc. She was unhappy and I felt held to ransom. I couldn't tell her about his feelings and I couldn't not talk to her about him without never turning on my phone or logging onto my computer.

 

I didn't want her to mistrust him. I didn't want to be the one who told her what he should have been telling her but he's such a f*cking coward he just couldn't bear to hurt her, so he kept on not telling her.

 

So I lied to her. I told her there was nothing going on between me and the boy when she asked (technically correct, we'd never been physically intimate but it was a fully fledged emotional affair which is just as bad). But wtf was I supposed to say? His threat never to speak to me again if I told her was looming. Yes, I know that's ridiculous but I believed him. I never made a decision to lie to her but I did, and it felt awful. I told him straight away I couldn't do it anymore, I wasn't prepared to lie and he assured me he'd sort it so I didn't have to.

 

Well, he finally told her he's in love with me and she now hates me with a passion. Thinks I said bad things to her about him to drive a wedge between them. Thinks I tried to break them up so I could have him. It ain't true, but I guess from her point of view that doesn't matter, she lost and I won is all she sees. But the fact is, I never tried to 'win' him because I always knew I had him. I knew he liked me and if I said the word, I could have him (or the less arrogant version of that sentence if you prefer).

 

But I did try to tell her bad things about him so she would grow a f*cking clue and wise up to his feelings for her. I was trying to do his dirty work I guess. And the bad things are true, I'm not blind to the guy's faults, I'm just kick-ass enough not to take the sh*t from him that she did. I love him despite his utter f*cked-upness. I don't want to change him.

 

Yet, I feel terrible that she has been hurt. It was always coming, he was always going to leave her, but she could never see it. And now, conveniently, she blames me for the breakup and wants to stay friends with him. Because he didn't have the balls to be a man and tell the truth, I'm somehow the one who's screwed everything up. I guess she must think that if it wasn't for me, they'd still be together which is very far from the truth but he won't tell her that. She's been hurt enough.

 

And I'm genuinely guilty that I lied to protect him, and I guess to protect myself, and not just because she thinks I've been deceitful but because maybe I have been. I can't work out if I truly acted out of loyalty to him, out of concern for her feelings, out of frustration for her inability to see what was f*cking obvious, out of self-preservation or what. I just feel like I've been lumbered with the blame because it's convenient and allows her to rationalize it by thinking I'm the bitch and he's just a poor boy who couldn't help it.

 

The guilt I can handle, but is there anything I can do to lessen her venom towards me? I don't like to think anyone hates me. Also writing all this down makes me feel pretty angry towards the boy. Anyone got a view on him?

[Pocky]

I think you should leave the high school drama and get them both out of your life.

[moimeme]

Yep. He's a gutless wonder. No bargain, by any means.

 

I love him despite his utter f*cked-upness. I don't want to change him.

 

Well that's a bad plan. The guy you don't want to change didn't have the cojones to tell someone he wasn't getting along with that there were problems. So he all but cheated - lying to her in the deal. Oh yeah. Here's a guy I'd be drooling over.

 

The classic line is the following: if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. Go ahead and love him despite this but don't be surprised if he does the same thing to you one day.

[alphamale]

all is fair in love and war

[eltherza]

Originally posted by Pocky

I think you should leave the high school drama and get them both out of your life.

 

I agree with Pocky, i've had that sort of thing happen to me, when you get caught in the middle it's best to just back away completely, it's the best thing you can do...