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Do you approach your relationships in a pragmatic way or an idealistic way?


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I have heard a difference between youthful relationships and adult relationships is that you view adult relationships in a more practical, realistic sense instead of an idealistic and "magical" sense.

 

Is this true?

 

As you get older do your relationships lose that "magical" and youthful touch to them?

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No, as I've gotten older I still have that magical emotional thinking about relationships. I would guess that I'm more pragmatic or realistic about the little things that used to annoy me. Now, I'm more accepting of little quirks and past baggage. We all have both at my age!!

 

That said, I think love and relationships are beyond logical analysis. Studies show we make decisions emotionally, and then later rationalize those decisions.

 

Whoever loved that didn't feel out of control emotionally, even breaking their "rules" for the right person? It's an emotional thing. Love you can control or be pragmatic about feels like a business deal to me.

 

So be pragmatic and realistic about expectations you have of people, but always have magic and idealism about relationships. Studies show the happiest couples idealize each other.

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No, as I've gotten older I still have that magical emotional thinking about relationships. I would guess that I'm more pragmatic or realistic about the little things that used to annoy me. Now, I'm more accepting of little quirks and past baggage. We all have both at my age!!

 

That said, I think love and relationships are beyond logical analysis. Studies show we make decisions emotionally, and then later rationalize those decisions.

 

Whoever loved that didn't feel out of control emotionally, even breaking their "rules" for the right person? It's an emotional thing. Love you can control or be pragmatic about feels like a business deal to me.

 

So be pragmatic and realistic about expectations you have of people, but always have magic and idealism about relationships. Studies show the happiest couples idealize each other.

 

But do you still love wildly with intense emotion towards someone? Or does that fade?

 

As you get older, do you just settle with someone you can stand?

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Both.

 

The intensity is different. It no longer feels like an out of control roller coaster. It's deeper & more poignant. It's calming rather than exciting.

 

Yes, my heart still beats when I see DH but there's a peace knowing he's my family.

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Both.

 

The intensity is different. It no longer feels like an out of control roller coaster. It's deeper & more poignant. It's calming rather than exciting.

 

Yes, my heart still beats when I see DH but there's a peace knowing he's my family.

 

But do you just settle at this point? Do you find it is not as exciting? Do you love him for him alone and not for what he does or for what he provides?

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But do you just settle at this point? Do you find it is not as exciting? Do you love him for him alone and not for what he does or for what he provides?

 

I have never settled in my life. He is the man of my dreams: handsome, funny, intelligent, caring.

 

I love him for him. When I met him he was an underemployed, high school graduate, in a failing industry who delivered newspapers to make ends meet. All of his life circumstances have dramatically improved since then but that's not why we're together.

 

I do love the fact that he provides me with companionship; a warm snuggle on a cold night; peace when I'm freaking out; a shoulder to cry on and a laugh to pick me up. I'd like to think I do the same for him.

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I have never settled in my life. He is the man of my dreams: handsome, funny, intelligent, caring.

 

I love him for him. When I met him he was an underemployed, high school graduate, in a failing industry who delivered newspapers to make ends meet. All of his life circumstances have dramatically improved since then but that's not why we're together.

 

I do love the fact that he provides me with companionship; a warm snuggle on a cold night; peace when I'm freaking out; a shoulder to cry on and a laugh to pick me up. I'd like to think I do the same for him.

 

Have you loved anyone before him? Had you been in relationships before?

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I have heard a difference between youthful relationships and adult relationships is that you view adult relationships in a more practical, realistic sense instead of an idealistic and "magical" sense.

 

Is this true?

 

As you get older do your relationships lose that "magical" and youthful touch to them?

 

Falling in love is always magical.

 

But as you get older, you are (hopefully!) smarter about who you choose to fall in love with.

 

You don't just feel those sparks and jump all in, without looking at who he is, if he is capable of giving you what you want, whether he has the same goals, etc.

 

When you are young, you say to yourself "OOOH, if he loves me, he will stay forever!" without looking at whether he really even wants that, or is capable of it.

 

And when you are older, you say to yourself "OOOH, if he is saying he loves me, I need to look at all the evidence and decide whether I want to make myself vulnerable to him or not."

 

It definitely changes. But falling in love always has magic and butterflies and giggly phone calls and swooning.

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Falling in love is always magical.

 

But as you get older, you are (hopefully!) smarter about who you choose to fall in love with.

 

You don't just feel those sparks and jump all in, without looking at who he is, if he is capable of giving you what you want, whether he has the same goals, etc.

 

When you are young, you say to yourself "OOOH, if he loves me, he will stay forever!" without looking at whether he really even wants that, or is capable of it.

 

And when you are older, you say to yourself "OOOH, if he is saying he loves me, I need to look at all the evidence and decide whether I want to make myself vulnerable to him or not."

 

It definitely changes. But falling in love always has magic and butterflies and giggly phone calls and swooning.

 

What "evidence" do you look at to see if you make yourself vulnerable?

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Have you loved anyone before him? Had you been in relationships before?

 

Dozens. I lived with somebody for a decade. I know what it's like to love & to experience loss. This was not my first relationship.

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Dozens. I lived with somebody for a decade. I know what it's like to love & to experience loss. This was not my first relationship.

 

Do you try to model your relationships around ones you had in your youth?

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Do you try to model your relationships around ones you had in your youth?

 

God no. I was an idiot when I was a youth. Young love is a lousy model for true love.

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Pragmatic. I never allow my emotions to guide any decisions I make. They are all made by cold hard logic.

 

It's a necessity nowadays. Leading with your heart may be romantic, but my experience has shown me it's also very risky. And the rewards aren't enough to offset the risks.

 

YMMV, of course. I can only speak for me.

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God no. I was an idiot when I was a youth. Young love is a lousy model for true love.

 

But do you try to model the excitement and romanticism around youthful feelings

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But do you try to model the excitement and romanticism around youthful feelings

 

I don't think so. I don't romanticize my marriage. There are days when it's hard work. It's not some fairy tale that I may have believed as girl. I know my husband's job isn't to make me happy. I have to chose my course in life & then enjoy his company as we make course corrections to accommodate us both. We're a team. As a girl I didn't understand that about my mates. All I wanted was the fun stuff not the drudgery. As an adult I learned to make all things more fun by doing them together.

 

You are obsessed with youth & you have this misguided idea that things get worse & love won't be as sweet. You're wrong. Let yourself experience the new joys that each relationship brings into your life.

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I don't think so. I don't romanticize my marriage. There are days when it's hard work. It's not some fairy tale that I may have believed as girl. I know my husband's job isn't to make me happy. I have to chose my course in life & then enjoy his company as we make course corrections to accommodate us both. We're a team. As a girl I didn't understand that about my mates. All I wanted was the fun stuff not the drudgery. As an adult I learned to make all things more fun by doing them together.

 

You are obsessed with youth & you have this misguided idea that things get worse & love won't be as sweet. You're wrong. Let yourself experience the new joys that each relationship brings into your life.

 

 

 

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING....

 

You want to know why I am so concerned about first love?

 

Another fine example.

 

ADELE

 

Her album, 21, is about her first serious love and the heartbreak. THAT IS NOT ALL. You look at a significant portion of music, it revolves around a young, lost love. Many of which are first loves.

 

IT IS POWERFUL. It invokes a lot of emotion for people.

 

IT CHANGES peoples perspectives on love forever.

 

Another example. Criminal Minds. Episode where one of the agents loses his ex to murder (who was his teen love and the mother of his child)

 

To be honest. Although I want to pursue love, I want to protect myself. I am torn. I am heartbroken. Not because I have lost someone I love. But because I have never loved before and it is nearly impossible at my age to be a girls first love. To be that guy that is forever ingrained in her heart and her memories. The guy that changed her.

 

 

I want to be her first love. Something I will never be.

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Pragmatic - my relationship started young so it doesn't have anything to do with age. It's just what I am. Most things in my life I handle practical.

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I work on an ambulance. A LOT of lethal drugs are in my hands. Sometimes I want to go out there, draw some up, and inject myself to overdose. There are drugs in that box that are paralytics. Thsy cause me to lose consciousness and stop breathing. I am literally right now just FOOTSTEPS away from that ambulance. It is right out there in the bay.

 

I want to. I think about it a lot. I can't go back. I just want to end it. Something deep inside stops me.

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. But because I have never loved before and it is nearly impossible at my age to be a girls first love. To be that guy that is forever ingrained in her heart and her memories. The guy that changed her.

 

My first love didn't change me. I don't know anybody who would prefer their first love -- a childish fantasy -- over their true love.

 

To say I don't understand your need to be somebody's first love because of what you understand from entertainment, is not a well grounded position because it is based on fantasy & bears no resembles to real life.

 

You have to get past this obsession. It's not serving you well.

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Killing yourself is not the answer. It will get better when you start to ask the right Q. . . which is how can I bring true love into my life rather than being obsessed with being somebody's first love. You have have set that fantasy up in your mind & you are now beating yourself up because you cannot fulfill that unreal expectation

 

If you are truly feeling suicidal, on your next run, march yourself into the ER & speak to the doctors.

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What "evidence" do you look at to see if you make yourself vulnerable?

 

How does this guy manage his life?

 

Does he live in a way you respect, or are you ignoring huge problems and going off what he is telling you?

 

For instance, he says he has a couple of beers on weekends, and you start noticing he gets VERY drunk every weekend. Is this ok with you? If not, this is not a guy to open yourself up to.

 

Is his home a complete mess? His finances? His employment history? If he doesn't have his act together before he gets with you, you can expect more of the same in the future.

 

Is he ethical? If he's bragging about stealing from his employer or getting away with criminal or immoral behavior, that isn't cute.

Does this guy's life work with yours?

Even if he manages his life well, are you ok with all aspects of it? His work schedule/work travel? His kids being his priority? His hobbies taking up a huge % of his time? If you just inserted yourself into his life as it is now, would you be satisfied?

 

Do you respect and accept his values and beliefs?

 

Any relationship that starts with contention in these areas is going to be a rocky road.

 

You don't have to feel the same about everything, but you have to accept your differences.

 

How does he define a good relationship?

 

If you like long romantic walks on the beach and him looking into your eyes and declaring his love, and his idea of good is doing everything he sees on porn, you will never be on the same page.

 

Or if he is cool with the honeymoon phase cool-down, and you think it is important to keep sparks alive.

 

Or if you are a "spoon all night" person, and he's a "kiss goodnight and retire to our own sides of the bed" person.

 

You have to have many conversations about love and relationships as well as pay attention to his actions as you get to know each other. You can't turn someone into a different person, so it is really important to make sure you have potential for long-term compatibility.

 

How are his relationships with his family and friends?

 

If he has toxic relationships with everyone, you have to consider the common denominator - him.

 

If he has twisted relationships with family (his mom makes every decision in his life; he still competes with his brother as adults, his father constantly puts him down and gets him upset), you have to think about the future impact of that and how it might affect your relationship and a future family.

 

Or if his friends are all single playboys who want to take him around to strip clubs... or if his friends are all single women who flirt with him constantly...

 

How does he treat others?

 

A good person is a good person. He's kind and respectful and helpful and understanding and stands up against wrong-doing.

 

If a guy yells at servers, flips off other drivers, makes judgmental comments about others, uses manipulation to get what he wants, take note.

 

If he is unwilling to help those who are hurting, or seems to have no heart for issues you feel strongly about, take note.

 

How's his anger?

 

Again - watch his reactions to being wronged. Because someday, he will be angry at you.

 

Is he vengeful, shifting blame, physically violent, verbally aggressive? Remember- this will be you someday.

 

 

When you are in that getting-to-know-you phase, you are not just growing feelings. You should also be analyzing everything, and should be ready to walk away if you need to - not just being all in based only on feelings.

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To be honest. Although I want to pursue love, I want to protect myself.

 

You can do both!! This is one of the best things about more mature love!

 

But because I have never loved before and it is nearly impossible at my age to be a girls first love. To be that guy that is forever ingrained in her heart and her memories. The guy that changed her.

 

I want to be her first love. Something I will never be.

 

I will never be a supermodel, or the wife of a billionaire, or a famous artist. The list of things I will never be is a long one. If I started writing them down, I can see how that could bring someone down.

 

You can't focus on what you can't be. You have to focus on what you can be.

 

I can tell you this - my "first love" is not one of the guys who changed me. Hell, some of the men who changed me are men I weren't even in romantic relationships with. And some of them, I was in toxic relationships with - but something about that relationship shifted me, and made me better.

 

Life isn't a rom-com. It's messy. And you can never plan it out.

 

Don't let your FEAR control your actions. Move forward, being aware of the fear. But it is just a passenger - YOU are the driver.

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You want to know why I am so concerned about first love?

 

Another fine example.

 

ADELE

 

 

You know she has a song called First Love... THIS is the guy you want to be?

 

 

So little to say but so much time,

Despite my empty mouth the words are in my mind.

Please wear the face, the one where you smile,

Because you lighten up my heart when I start to cry.

Forgive me first love, but I'm tired.

I need to get away to feel again.

Try to understand why, don't get so close to change my mind.

Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it's bribing me to doubt myself

Simply, it's tiring.

This love has dried up and stayed behind,

And if I stay I'll be alive,

Then choke on words I'd always hide.

Excuse me first love, but we're through.

I need to taste the kiss from someone new.

Forgive me first love, but I'm too tired.

I'm bored to say the least and I, I lack desire.

Forgive me first love, forgive me first love, forgive me first love,

Forgive me first love forgive me, forgive me first love, forgive me first love

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Killing yourself is not the answer. It will get better when you start to ask the right Q. . . which is how can I bring true love into my life rather than being obsessed with being somebody's first love. You have have set that fantasy up in your mind & you are now beating yourself up because you cannot fulfill that unreal expectation

 

If you are truly feeling suicidal, on your next run, march yourself into the ER & speak to the doctors.

 

Thing is first love always has a sweet spot to some degree. It represents innocence and being young. It represents discovery.

 

It is the cutest love. Sweet and blind. No expectations except the will to love.

 

It is a major milestone for a lot of people. A love people reflect on whether they like it or not. A shell shock.

 

Something that you get one chance at.

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