E-Squared Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 As some of you already know by now, I lack experience in going all the way with women. I have kissed and made out with women; I have talked to many women, even met up with some who I met online; I have dated a woman before and the relationship lasted only a couple of months. The only sexual things that I have done was mainly breast action. That was about it. Being that I am 29, close to the three-zero, I am wondering that if I were to meet a woman and hit it off with her, should I just not tell her if she asks my most hated question ever, which is the virgin question? I mean should I just dodge the question or should I just lie? I will say that I have gotten defensive with people who have asked me that in the past. I REALLY hate that question. At this point of my life, most guys are either married, in a long-term relationship, or HAVE BEEN in a long-term relationship. Also, sex would be expected in something like that. It would be assumed that I would have gone the whole nine yards with a woman, but I never have been in position where I was naked in the same room with a woman. I feel pretty left out, actually. So what do you think I should do? I am sure that some of you will say that I should go for someone who is on my level, but they are rare, and if a woman is a virgin, she will more than likely be religious, and there is little chance that she would put out. Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 If the question comes up, its probably best that you're honest. However, don't bring it up yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) Think about it this way...... If you met a woman and she [had sex with] just about every guy in town. do you think she'd tell you the truth?...Probably not.... Go with your gut...If you think you want to keep that under hat, then do it... But if it really bothers you so much. maybe get a hooker and get the monkey off your back..She might even be able to teach you some things so you don't act like a noob when the real deal happens... If that's not your deal, understandable....Not saying I would even do it of I were you, but its not a terrible idea, really..... At that point, then you probably will have greater confidence and you wont have to struggle with that aspect.. TFY Edited October 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 LoveShack.org Community Forums - Announcements in Forum : General Relationship Discussion Folks, we've moved away from descriptions including words like 'slut', 'slutty', 'banging', and other pejorative language. There's no need for it and, in this thread, it's irrelevant to the topic anyway. This is discussing a virgin talking about his virginity with a dating or mating partner. Normally, folks get sanctioned for this but I'm in a good mood tonight so let's carry on and help this member out in a friendly and welcoming manner. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I don't think you should go into any situation like there is something wrong with you for being who you are. I am sure you have had some opportunities and learned from them, like everyone else. You have made choices like not hiring a prostitute, or maybe doing something you would regret later. By concealing who you are, you risk missing out on someone you would be compatible with. OTOH, you shouldn't feel obliged to share personal information with strangers or people whose trustworthiness has not been established. there is a time and place... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Do not lie. Lying never helps anybody. By your late 20s most people will assume you are not a virgin. I think there is something wrong with somebody who asks if you are. If you get this Q, analyze the person who asked you. Past say 20, it's a pretty odd Q. It's a different Q then the number. I'm not a big fan of that Q either & think a vague answer is fine. You could say you don't kiss & tell but assure your potential partner that you have never done anything to potentially jeopardize her health & offer to take an STD test 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) I think there is something wrong with somebody who asks if you are. If you get this Q, analyze the person who asked you. That's true, you're unlikely to be asked this question out of the blue, by any normal and respectful person. However when forming a romantic relationship it is normal to ask about dating / relationship history. And when you say you've never had a relationship, she will likely continue down that road, and the V question may be the final destination. You could say you don't kiss & tell That sounds like it's taken from a PUA site! I am sure that answer would put off many women. Avoiding or refusing to answer questions like this, the asker of the question will assume the worst, which is that you've some kind of player. I would just answer the question openly and honestly. Being anxious and defensive is likely a bigger turn-off than standing up and proudly saying "yes I am a virgin". If they are put off, then it was not meant to be anyway. When you find someone who is not put off, they are a keeper. However I would not open the subject yourself. Edited October 30, 2015 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Some good points on prior posts... Here's the thing... When most people ask about relationship or sexual history, what they are usually trying to get at is your values and interest. Focus on what your values are, and what you are looking for. It is not necessary or even wise to get into too much detail with someone you hardly know. That isn't the point. At this stage, you are just seeking compatibility. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 OP, IME, you're kind of in a sweet spot. As long as you relax and enjoy social relations with women and are appropriately affectionate, I seriously doubt any would question your sexual status since it's relatively rare for a man your age to be a virgin. In my case, none ever asked and, when queried about relationship history, I was honest, that I had dated, had a couple girlfriends but nothing long term and hadn't found the 'right person' yet. This was true, since I would only have sex in a committed LTR and hadn't found one yet. So, as a result, the first time was a non-event; dinner with a good friend and his wife, the lady's children shunted off to, my horrors, the house of an exMW and we had an adult night in. The main surprise was that the woman's daughter and the daughter of an exMW were best friends. Life is like that. The virginity thing, in comparison, a non-issue. IMO, you can make as big or little deal out of it as you wish. It's up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Squared Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 Some good points on prior posts... Here's the thing... When most people ask about relationship or sexual history, what they are usually trying to get at is your values and interest. Focus on what your values are, and what you are looking for. It is not necessary or even wise to get into too much detail with someone you hardly know. That isn't the point. At this stage, you are just seeking compatibility. I have had bad experiences when being asked if I was a virgin. Now I am not sure if me being defensive had anything to do with it, but when I was almost 22, I remember meeting this one girl and because I did not have a lot of experience with women, she assumed that I was a virgin, considering how shy I was when trying to talk to her. She sort of gave me some crap about me being a virgin, which led to me being defensive. So I have a tendency to get defensive when asked that question. I know I should handle it better, but the virginity stigma is real and I have read many threads where women say that they don't want virgins and all that stuff. So it has made me feel hopeless. I will add that I remember this one girl who I met on POF asking me that question, which threw me off. So yes, I really detest that question. I know that they want to see where they stand, but still. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Some good points on prior posts... Here's the thing... When most people ask about relationship or sexual history, what they are usually trying to get at is your values and interest. What good does it do when almost no one is ever really going to tell the truth, though.?? The way I see it, this type of thing should really be a "don't ask, don't tell", type of thing....Unless you have some prior knowledge of a persons history for which you can base some form of a judgement, anyone would drive themselves nuts at the possibilities...Truth is most guys probably don't want to know...I have no idea what women would think...It was never an issue...I'd think most people would probably think that its pretty rare that someone made it out of college without having been laid... OP....I wouldn't worry about it...Don't say anything...unless you want to...But then bear in mind you are probably going to get judged, be it fair or not... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I have had bad experiences when being asked if I was a virgin. Now I am not sure if me being defensive had anything to do with it, but when I was almost 22, I remember meeting this one girl and because I did not have a lot of experience with women, she assumed that I was a virgin, considering how shy I was when trying to talk to her. She sort of gave me some crap about me being a virgin, which led to me being defensive. So I have a tendency to get defensive when asked that question. I know I should handle it better, but the virginity stigma is real and I have read many threads where women say that they don't want virgins and all that stuff. So it has made me feel hopeless. I will add that I remember this one girl who I met on POF asking me that question, which threw me off. So yes, I really detest that question. I know that they want to see where they stand, but still. Try not to focus or internalize the rude people. If anything, ask yourself what it was about her that attracted you to her, then avoid that kind of person. Good people don't make a habit of plowing strangers with those kinds of questions. Carhill's advice is good. We are all single for a reason. No need to feel like your reason is any better or worse than the women you will meet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I have dated a lot as I am elderly....I was never asked by one woman if I was a virgin. If I ever was asked such an invasive question, I would have raised my eyebrow and say, "I don't kiss and tell." Smile and change the subject. Later, when you discuss exclusivity, you can tell her if you want so you can say you were completely honest before getting serious. Good luck, Grumps 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I would feel tempted to lie Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Squared Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Okay, what about dodging questions if asked? Like quickly changing the subject if brought up or just saying "Pass" if asked? Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 I lied to my ex about it but she then figured it out for herself, once she did she really wasn't bothered about it. Think about it like this, if a girl meets you and finds out you're pretty much untouched, isn't that better? Wouldn't you prefer a girl who had been with little people also? Bottom line: if being a virgin puts her off, she's wasn't worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Okay, what about dodging questions if asked? Like quickly changing the subject if brought up or just saying "Pass" if asked? Then they would draw their own conclusions from your dodging, and also they would know you're insecure about it. Lose-lose. Link to post Share on other sites
AVarma Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Yes you should. Women don't really like guys who are virgins. It doesn't get their panties wet. Edited November 6, 2015 by AVarma Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I am 51 years old and have never once ever had a woman ask me if I was a virgin or not. I have never had a woman seriously ask me how many women I've dated or been to bed with. IMHO you virgin fanboys are worrying yourselves over something that rarely happens in the real world. If you are socially awkward and are uncomfortable having meaningful, personal conversations with women and appear uncomfortable around them and worrying about how they are going to react to you - that is what is off-putting to them, not your virginity status. You care about your virginity status and see it as a stigma. That is what is the issue, not your actual virginity. Work on your social skills and interpersonal communication skills and those issues will take care of themselves. Very few if in fact any women really care if a guy is a virgin or not. If the interpersonal connection and chemistry is there, 99.9% of the women couldn't care less if you are virgin. If the connection and chemistry is not there, 99.9% couldn't care less if you were the world's biggest, most experienced stud. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 that being said, since this is something that worries you and may impact how you interrelate with someone, it is probably wise to have a little plan in place for if the topic actually comes up. First off, I would advise you NOT to preemptively bring up the issue of your inexperience/virginity. I don't say that because it will have women running for the hills because of your virginity. But rather because it's such an uncomfortable and awkward topic for you that there is a high risk if you were to bring it up you'd get all awkward and uncomfortable and that is what would make her uncomfortable. but in the 1 in 2,439,286,291,867,352 chance that someone does ask you how many people you've been with prior, here are a few responses to consider - Her- "How many girls have you dated?" you- (Looking amused and somewhat taken about being asked that in the first place) 'I don't know, I've never really counted. I only go out with people I'm actually interested in and think that have potential so not tons and tons.' or - ' I guess not enough, I'm still single. But I'm hoping to change that some day ;-)' or - 'Why? how many girls do you have for me?' Her - "how many girls have you been to bed with?" you - (looking a bit shocked and maybe even a bit offended) "I don't think discussing numbers is really an appropriate topic. I would never ask you that question. " Her - "are you a virgin?" you- (looking more than a bit taken aback by her intrusion) "you think you have a reason to know either way because???????" Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 again, there is really only about a 1 in a million chance any woman is going to ask you that at all. But if someone does, I think the important come away with this is that it is no one else's business what you have or have not done in bed before them. Noone would expect a woman to divulge her sexual history to anyone so I don't see why anyone should expect a man to divulge his either. The bottom line is it is simply not her business. It really isn't. People do all sorts of mental acrobatics to try to tell convince themselves that they have a reason to know someone else's history, but they really don't. If STDs are a concern, she has the right to ask you to get tested before having sex with you. That is a fair request. But idle curiosity and just plain noseyness are not justifications for prying into someone else's sex life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Now a point that Red Robin brought up is spot on. What people are curious about and what is a valid point of exploration is a person's values and mores and attitudes towards relationships and sexuality and the role of sexuality in a relationship. Those are valid topics and are valid points of discussion. If someone asks you how many people you've been with ( a one in a million chance as long as you don't bring it up first) A valid response is to steer the discussion towards a discussion about values and beliefs and attitudes etc. The reason people ask how many people someone has actually been with is to see if what they are saying and what they have actually done are congruent. It's pretty much a party line for people to say that they don't believe in sex outside of established relationships blah blah blah, but if someone says that but you know that they have screwed half the town, then you know they aren't being congruent with what they are saying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Yes just say you haven't done it in a long ass time Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) I lied to my ex about it but she then figured it out for herself, once she did she really wasn't bothered about it. Think about it like this, if a girl meets you and finds out you're pretty much untouched, isn't that better? Wouldn't you prefer a girl who had been with little people also? Bottom line: if being a virgin puts her off, she's wasn't worth it. Exactly. BETTER!!! ANYONE can lose it if they want to, so why it's a stigma and bothered by it? people are not that stupid, right? Edited November 8, 2015 by loveflower 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 I never asked for their number or if they are a virgin....I left that up to them. I find it juvenile to ask those things TBH. I think all your worrying is cock blocking yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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