memento mori Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Hey, had an argument with my girlfriend yesterday. Would appriciate some input from you guys and girls We have been together for 11 months, lots of ups and downs. I am a med-student and she is studying pharmacy, we are both 22 years old. Most of our arguments have come from my girlfriend drooling all over celebrities she finds attractive. I dont mind her having celebrity crushes at all as long at she does not overdo it, which she in my opinion does. She has had a supercrush on mr.grey(from 50 shades) the last year, and at least 2-3 times a month i keep hearing how much she likes his handsomeness, dominans etc. A few weeks ago she took it further and told me i should read the book so i can "learn a thing or two" from mr.grey, and a few days later she told me she`d wish i was more like this friggin mr.grey. I can be insecure sometimes, and hearing things like this really ruins my confidence. And yes i have told my girlfriend all of this but her response is always that i need to stop being insecure, which is true but hard to do when you have to hear about how amazing other people(like grey) are and how i should be more like them. I never talk about my crushes in front of my girlfriend out or pure respect, and i have told her to do the same but she refuses, which i really dont get why. Her response is usually "i can say what i want, you have to stop being insecure". So we were eating yesterday, and she once again mentioned this Mr.grey, which i clearly told her not to talk to me about, as she has girlfriends for that. I kindly told her to stop, but she kept talking. I asked once more in a more serious manner but she started laughing and kept going. I finally lost controll and told her to shut up and listen to me. After which she said the most hurtfull things to me and walked away. I followed her to her home apologizing all the way, even though i was pretty angry inside myself. I have never told her shut up, or said anything rude to her before. Even when i came home, i wrote her a long apology-letter, to which she again answered by saying more hurtfull things. Do i have the right to ask her not to talk about her crushes in front of me? Is it okay to be upset when she starts comparing me to mr.grey? Was i wrong to tell her to shut up, after everything else failed? Or am i just overreacting? Sorry for lenghty post, and thanks for any input and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm sorry, but this is incredibly immature of both of you. She does it to get a rise out of you (perhaps she WOULD like you to be more sexually adventurous - have you considered investigating the possibilities of being so?) and the more you fight back and latch onto your self-perceived insecurities (god knows why, at such a young age, you should be victoim to insecurites!) the more you fall out. REally, you either both need to take a step back and take a good look at how badly you both communicate or you just need to cut your losses. In your eyes, she's being a real bitch. In her eyes, you're insecure and controlling. Frankly, you're both being quite ridiculous and you need to talk this over. to be honest though, you're both too young to be considering this a long-term relationship; you have a long way to go before that comes around.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keats Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I think if you were a woman, and your boyfriend kept mentioning his crushes etc How the picture of sympathy changes. I don't think your insecure. I think its natural to feel inferior if your other half is crushing on another. And constantly mentioning it. If my husband did this to me I'd be pretty hurt honestly. I would cry. You've been accomdating and even politely asked for it not to be talked about. But she was being very insensitive towards you. And now you've both snapped. I personally would apologise for the reaction. But not without resolving the issue that caused it in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I think she's rude and insensitive. I'll admit I've mentioned the handsomeness of celebrities before....but I cannot fathom going on and on about some badly written, horrible example of a dominant to my boyfriend ad nauseum after he had made it clear how much he hates it. She needs to grow up, IMO 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I think you should pick your battles....this is not worthy of an argument. Oh to be young again......not 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Both of you are incredibly immature. She needs to shut up about this fictional character that no one should be trying to emulate. You need to stop being insecure, apologizing to her and allowing her to verbally abuse you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 He is a fictional character & she does need to stop going on & on about him. To do after you have asked her to stop is disrespectful. Since it has been going on for a while, I think you saying "shut up" is fine. If this was the 1st time she ever said anything it would be over the top but everybody has a breaking point. If you are not prepared to cut ties, perhaps read the book & do some other research about D/s relationships. I doubt she wants the full boat but perhaps add a blindfold & tie her hands to the bedpost. In a childish way she is trying to tell you she wants more from you in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 She isn't comparing you to Mr.Grey as much as she wants you to Dominate her. The book is silly, but it *is* bringing BDSM to the forefront of sexuality so I think you are missing the point and an opportunity to add kink to your relationship. If you have no interest in that vein, then ultimately the relationship will fail as her desires to try it will not be abated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm probably more concerned about the "very hurtful things" she said, both at the time of the argument, and then afterwards after he wrote her an apology. Based on the summary provided, it seems SHE owes HIM an apology, depending somewhat on what exactly she said. It was implied that her statements were much worse than "Shut up." People who are verbally abusive are the worst. Verbal abuse can really build up and destroy the receiver's self-esteem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Though I think your gf is being quite over the top with this stuff ...something needed to be done to put a stop to the madness /aka set a boundary. I don't like the words "shut up" but possibly in the future say "I don't want to hear about me grey anymore" and walk away. That's a boundary! Apologize for the harsh words but not the reason you felt inclined to use them as others have stated. And communicate what I mentioned above ... Also ...it sounds like she wants you to step up and rough it up ever so mildly in the bedroom ...many woman like a manly man like that ...so discuss this with her ...then at an opportune time grab her!! and embrace her and ask "do you like that" and say "cause I'd like to take you right here!" Blah blah blah ...spice it up! Edited October 21, 2015 by StBreton Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I get the impression your girlfriend is desiring more dominance from you in general. You mention your insecurity several times. It sounds as though your girlfriend is challenging you ("**** testing"), and you are not effectively passing her little tests. It sounds like incompatibility to me. She wants a manly, dominant, alpha type, and you need someone who's more sympathetic and respectful about your typical young man insecurities. You could do some research on being more dominant in the relationship, passing her **** tests. There's lots of advice out there in the "manosphere," some good, some bad. It wouldn't hurt to try some of it. When she mentions Mr. Grey again, take her home and give her the Mr. Grey treatment. Objectify, manhandle, and have your way with her. I'm guessing she'll love it. I don't know if you have the temperament for this, but try it if you're game. Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 You did the right thing to tell her to shut up you did the wrong thing by apologize to her after that. She totally disrespects you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Ok, normally I would say that you should never say "shut up" to someone you love unless it is an absolute plea for mercy. I also normally would say that you did the right thing after doing something wrong like that. Appologize profusely. But, I also think the context of the disagreement is wickedly important here. She's definitely wanting to be dominated by you or another man. The whole D/s thing. So, in a slightly twisted way, telling her to shut up is probably a step toward dominance, and your profuse apologies are a step back. All that being said - you don't sound like a dom. So if that is something she wants, I don't know if you can provide it. In the end, this whole thing has far less to do with the words "shut up" and her talking about Mr. Grey than it does about how she wants you (or another man) to show up in a relationship and how you want to be treated by her. Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I don't like the words "shut up" but possibly in the future say "I don't want to hear about me grey anymore" and walk away. That's a boundary! ! "I kindly told her to stop, but she kept talking. I asked once more in a more serious manner but she started laughing and kept going. I finally lost controll and told her to shut up and listen to me." WHAT ELSE CAN THIS GUY DO? He is not what she wants. what's why she is totally disrespect him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 "I kindly told her to stop, but she kept talking. I asked once more in a more serious manner but she started laughing and kept going. I finally lost controll and told her to shut up and listen to me." WHAT ELSE CAN THIS GUY DO? SET A BOUNDARY ...He "kindly" told her ... He "asked" once more. Seriously?! Kindly doesn't work ...asking?!! No way ... Use forceful words like "I want...!" This woman is waking all over OPs boudaries because he's being too kind. You see ...being assertive and establishing a boundary means you Firmly say what you want then you turn away from the offending party when the person keeps offending ...and have zero remorse for doing so ...which means no apologizing for setting and reaffirming a boundary. Ask any counselor ...they'll tell you the same. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Hey, had an argument with my girlfriend yesterday. Would appriciate some input from you guys and girls We have been together for 11 months, lots of ups and downs. I am a med-student and she is studying pharmacy, we are both 22 years old. Most of our arguments have come from my girlfriend drooling all over celebrities she finds attractive. I dont mind her having celebrity crushes at all as long at she does not overdo it, which she in my opinion does. She has had a supercrush on mr.grey(from 50 shades) the last year, and at least 2-3 times a month i keep hearing how much she likes his handsomeness, dominans etc. A few weeks ago she took it further and told me i should read the book so i can "learn a thing or two" from mr.grey, and a few days later she told me she`d wish i was more like this friggin mr.grey. I can be insecure sometimes, and hearing things like this really ruins my confidence. And yes i have told my girlfriend all of this but her response is always that i need to stop being insecure, which is true but hard to do when you have to hear about how amazing other people(like grey) are and how i should be more like them. I never talk about my crushes in front of my girlfriend out or pure respect, and i have told her to do the same but she refuses, which i really dont get why. Her response is usually "i can say what i want, you have to stop being insecure". So we were eating yesterday, and she once again mentioned this Mr.grey, which i clearly told her not to talk to me about, as she has girlfriends for that. I kindly told her to stop, but she kept talking. I asked once more in a more serious manner but she started laughing and kept going. I finally lost controll and told her to shut up and listen to me. After which she said the most hurtfull things to me and walked away. I followed her to her home apologizing all the way, even though i was pretty angry inside myself. I have never told her shut up, or said anything rude to her before. Even when i came home, i wrote her a long apology-letter, to which she again answered by saying more hurtfull things. Do i have the right to ask her not to talk about her crushes in front of me? Is it okay to be upset when she starts comparing me to mr.grey? Was i wrong to tell her to shut up, after everything else failed? Or am i just overreacting? Sorry for lenghty post, and thanks for any input and advice. she is an idiot:eek::eek:, leave her, so so not loving/in love with you, a WOMAN is out there for you:) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 If she wants a Dominant she is totally doing it wrong by topping from the bottom lol She sounds like 95% of the women who decided they wanted to "submit" after reading 50 shades. They don't have a submissive bone in their body, they just want to tell their partners how to have sex with them. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm probably more concerned about the "very hurtful things" she said, both at the time of the argument, and then afterwards after he wrote her an apology. Based on the summary provided, it seems SHE owes HIM an apology, depending somewhat on what exactly she said. It was implied that her statements were much worse than "Shut up." People who are verbally abusive are the worst. Verbal abuse can really build up and destroy the receiver's self-esteem. My sentiments exactly. Running behind her apologizing while being verbally abused is very disturbing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chapter44 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 From another (older man's) view: 1. You are both young and while it seems you both have a lot going for you - your age and maturity levels are clearly evident from your post. 2. There is absolutely no reason to feel insecure about a fictional character or celebrity - Now if it was your next door neighbor I might be a bit more sympathetic to your post. 3. Even during my worst married days I never spoke a harsh word or called my spouse a name - Once you say it you can never take it back. 4. She has told you and you have readily admitted that you are insecure. Maybe part of the reason she says that is because she knows how it affects you so maybe you should try a different response. 5. I think she may also so have insecurities and rather than deal with those she plays on your weaknesses to make herself feel better. Hurt people - Hurt others. 6. The purpose of a true mature relationship is to build each other up, support one another, and accept each other just as you are and neither of you are doing that. My suggestion would be to react differently when she gushes about celebrities or fictional characters in a book if that doesn't work and you still can't get past it then move on. However at some point you're going to have develop a stronger sense of security if you ever want to have a healthy relationship. For crying out loud she is telling you she wants you man up so just do it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 OP ...as others have said ...she definitely owes YOU an opology ...and no more tagging behind her rude verbally abusive butt! You're too smart for that! You're in med school and I personally know what it took to get there. Man up! If she doesn't want to apologize ... Hello gf ... meet curb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 by the way, goodled that mr grey and he is so far from attractive and so feminine and for sure gay, and this is seen from a womans eyes (not that he even matters but curiosity got me) so please dont feel insecure because of such bull**** manipulation from her side it has nothing to do with him or you for that sake. she doesnt tell you the deeper reasons for her manipulation but just dont buy it:p leave next time she ****s with you or find out first why you stay-- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 From another (older man's) view: 1. You are both young and while it seems you both have a lot going for you - your age and maturity levels are clearly evident from your post. 2. There is absolutely no reason to feel insecure about a fictional character or celebrity - Now if it was your next door neighbor I might be a bit more sympathetic to your post. 3. Even during my worst married days I never spoke a harsh word or called my spouse a name - Once you say it you can never take it back. 4. She has told you and you have readily admitted that you are insecure. Maybe part of the reason she says that is because she knows how it affects you so maybe you should try a different response. 5. I think she may also so have insecurities and rather than deal with those she plays on your weaknesses to make herself feel better. Hurt people - Hurt others. 6. The purpose of a true mature relationship is to build each other up, support one another, and accept each other just as you are and neither of you are doing that. My suggestion would be to react differently when she gushes about celebrities or fictional characters in a book if that doesn't work and you still can't get past it then move on. However at some point you're going to have develop a stronger sense of security if you ever want to have a healthy relationship. For crying out loud she is telling you she wants you man up so just do it! Awww Chap ...always the gent:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chapter44 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Awww Chap ...always the gent:) Thanks StBreton! You say the kindest things. Link to post Share on other sites
emi Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I watched the movie. I think the movie was crap. The main actor was crap, the actress was even more crap. I dont know why it even famous. And your gf is a total wacko. U shouldnt get involved with her in the first place honestly... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Thanks StBreton! You say the kindest things. You inspire such discord Link to post Share on other sites
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