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Why is it that men never leave their wives for ...


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I have seen a lot of discussions about men who have affairs or like new person and but never leave their wive/ gfs

 

 

why if you met someone new would you not want to move on with your life. Like im talking guys who have only been with the girl for 3 years and it seems they cant get them selves out of it....

 

why is this, see for me as a women if I was attracted to someone else

i would just end it....

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I have seen a lot of discussions about men who have affairs or like new person and but never leave their wive/ gfs

 

 

why if you met someone new would you not want to move on with your life. Like im talking guys who have only been with the girl for 3 years and it seems they cant get them selves out of it....

 

why is this, see for me as a women if I was attracted to someone else

i would just end it....

 

Some men don't. Some men do. My H left his xW so clearly it does happen.

 

If you're really interested in why some men (or some women) don't leave their current / vestigial relationships for their new partner, there are many threads on these boards discussing that. Kids, finances, joint assets or extended family are common reasons.

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I have seen a lot of discussions about men who have affairs or like new person and but never leave their wive/ gfs

 

 

why if you met someone new would you not want to move on with your life. Like im talking guys who have only been with the girl for 3 years and it seems they cant get them selves out of it....

 

why is this, see for me as a women if I was attracted to someone else

i would just end it....

 

For me as well, if I realized I wanted to cheat or did cheat and it was ongoing I'd know I needed to end my relationship. In my own situation I just assumed that of course he's cheating because he's just done with it all and I used my own sense of why I'd do it and assumed it was the same for him. It wasn't. I remember when he told me he did love her, but he loved me too and nothing was wrong with their relationship, it was fine, his own words were that they had their ups and downs like all couples and he kept trying to reassure me that he loved both of us. It literally knocked the wind out of me. I didn't expect that. I was somewhat okay with it when I was under the impression that he didn't value her or the relationship but when he was frank that he did still love her and things were "fine" (I mean you can argue for what that means), it made me realize that people can have affairs for all kinds of reasons and having an affair is not always synonymous with being "out of love" or ready to walk away.

 

I realized just how complex it can be in terms of what people feel and what they do. Many men see their wives and their OW as two separate things and having two separate functions where feelings for one and the place of one in their life doesn't substitute for the other. In the culture I'm from in particular, affairs don't mean I'm going to divorce my wife or don't love her, it almost never means that. It's twisted and selfish and a double-standard because women aren't offered the same luxury, but many simply think that it's okay to indulge in other women as they fancy them and think as long as they can still keep their wife happy or she doesn't know it will be fine. My exAP certainly thought this way where he thought if he could make her happy and me happy too then it wasn't a problem....except of course he's but one person with finite resources and time and cannot in secret give two women what they need equally.

 

In any event, some men cheat because they're done with their relationship and are out of love or are unhappy and don't know how to cope...however, even then they don't always leave as leaving for whatever reasons seems to be the bigger risk. Others cheat for those reasons and leave because staying isn't worth it. And yet still, like I mentioned, some men are not looking at their wives with hate and disgust but actually still love and care for her and they do everything a couple would normally do, but for whatever reason think they can have more than one woman, therefore leaving is not part of the equation and never was (some are truthful about it at least and then there are those men who mislead the OW or lie about it to get their own needs met). My advice to OW is to know what you want foremost and QUICKLY ascertain which kind of cheater your MM is. Don't simply assume he's cheating because he's about to divorce any minute now....know what you want and need and your time frame for it and pay attention to his words and actions so that you can make decisions for yourself.

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Some past perspective on 'never':

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/220974-evidence-shows-majority-mm-s-do-not-leave-their-wives-ow

 

Some on 'do':

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/370617-yes-mm-do-leave-their-wives-read-story

 

 

Why turns upon the man's personal psychology, as well as the specifics of the relationship.

 

One common 'why' is compartmentalizing, which is a typical male trait, and applied to affairs can be literally living two lives and being completely at peace with that choice, just as a man can wear many different hats in the rest of his life without conflict or distress.

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Some men don't. Some men do. My H left his xW so clearly it does happen.

 

If you're really interested in why some men (or some women) don't leave their current / vestigial relationships for their new partner, there are many threads on these boards discussing that. Kids, finances, joint assets or extended family are common reasons.

 

In other words, "It's cheaper to keep her".

 

Think about it, divorce produces "new" headaches. Visitation, courts, split finances/homes. Then you got the embarrassment to community, family, friends. And you may lose extended family inviting you to stuff cuz of the divorce.

 

Also, men aren't that picky. Most divorces are started by women. Men will sit around and go without sex, affection, etc. and will take what they can get. Men are simple creatures. Women, on the other hand may divorce you cuz you didn't buy her flowers :rolleyes: - even "if" you didn't know she expected flowers.

 

So, men will sit there and stew in misery. Hence a lot of so-called "mid-life crises" when the kids become 18 and the guy is like "freeeeeedom". Eh, but some guys at that point gave up on life, are undateable, and still stick around with the wifey cuz hey, having a roommate is better than being alone.

 

Some men - no matter how much they will lose, just get to a point where they can't take it anymore. I met one guy - who after three kids finally got fed up with first wife and divorced. He moved on to wife #two and while she cheated and he was sticking around cuz now he had two more kids with her (dude now had five kids total), it was "her" who divorced him. Dude literally came home from the hospital/surgery one day and she cleared out the house (she was a mean one).

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In other words, "It's cheaper to keep her.

 

Actually I did the maths on this recently when my wife threatened divorce. At first it looked horrific - I estimated I'd be down by over £100,000. But then I considered my future earnings and the percentage of those earnings that would be spent specifically on her. Even at my time of life (late 40's) I'd actually be substantially better off overall in the long term with a divorce. Cheaper to dump her, actually.

 

She might have done the same calculation since she is still here!

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Actually I did the maths on this recently when my wife threatened divorce. At first it looked horrific - I estimated I'd be down by over £100,000. But then I considered my future earnings and the percentage of those earnings that would be spent specifically on her. Even at my time of life (late 40's) I'd actually be substantially better off overall in the long term with a divorce. Cheaper to dump her, actually.

 

She might have done the same calculation since she is still here!

 

Well, yeah, everyone's situation is different.

 

I know of a couple who lives under the same roof - yet he doesn't give her a dime, even for bills. I don't know how the heck they live like that. She cheats, he cheats...weird, just weird. They are literally roommates. I don't know how they "get along". How can you live under the same roof with a spouse and just walk past them like nothing?:confused:

 

I think she won't move for divorce cuz even though she may get his pension - may not cover essentials (i.e. a roof over her head). I think he won't move for divorce cuz on top of having to pay his mortgage, he'll have to share his pension with her. Cheaper to let her live with him and forego sharing pension.

 

But it's not just the finances...shipping kids back and forth can be an issue. Family might not be as nice to one spouse cuz of the divorce and/or not care to spend much time with the kids like they used to - especially if the spouses re-marry.

 

OH, and then more drama if one or both remarry. The "exes" sometimes get jealous and create drama.

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Another potential 'why' is the preference for the classic 'devil one knows versus the devil one doesn't', underscoring a man's familiarity with, and established processes for dealing with, the foibles of their partner and the reality of trading those in for those of an unknown (as a day to day companion) partner.

 

Definitely, children and religious and social standings and statuses can have play as well, or instead of more esoteric whys. Men tend to be pragmatic, in general, so they go with what works, even if it does sting once in awhile. We've developed emotional control to ignore such sting and are socialized to ignore pain or compartmentalize it away.

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this guy isnt married, only 3 years deep, living together 3 months no shared assets nokids no potential for marriage

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he is not married no kids three years in and she only moved in in a emergency and is potentially moving out...but he is just waiting for her to be the one to leave and if she doesnt its like he wont either. he says she is a good person, and he doesnt want to hurt her, and he hasnt cheated yet, well in the physical sense she gave an ultimatum give me kids or im gone and he refuses to...but he is slowly breaking her down and she is slowly giving up the idea. though he say he does want kids one day.

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mattelipstick
he is not married no kids three years in and she only moved in in a emergency and is potentially moving out...but he is just waiting for her to be the one to leave and if she doesnt its like he wont either. he says she is a good person, and he doesnt want to hurt her, and he hasnt cheated yet, well in the physical sense she gave an ultimatum give me kids or im gone and he refuses to...but he is slowly breaking her down and she is slowly giving up the idea. though he say he does want kids one day.

 

Is this someone you're interested in? Because he sounds like a terrible person.

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this guy isnt married, only 3 years deep, living together 3 months no shared assets nokids no potential for marriage

 

I have a relative who married a woman who cheated on him so much that both of the kids in their marriage aren't his. Now that the kids are older and gone, he still won't leave her. He got a mistress in the UK who took money from him too and treated him just as bad as wifey....go figure.

 

My FWB had no kids with his wife and per him, over a decade of marriage where she was abusive and withheld sex. He claims she was sexually abused and he just wanted to "fix" her.

 

So, some guys stay with certain women cuz of a "need". They probably wanna be Captain Save a Ho. Maybe that's the case with your guy. Maybe he wants a damaged woman cuz if he's in the higher/care taking role, she's dependent on him and he has the upper hand. In other words "relationship security".

 

So, probably cuz you aren't needy and a leech he doesn't feel you give him purpose. Become a needy leech and he might find you more attractive.

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I have a relative who married a woman who cheated on him so much that both of the kids in their marriage aren't his. Now that the kids are older and gone, he still won't leave her. He got a mistress in the UK who took money from him too and treated him just as bad as wifey....go figure.

 

My FWB had no kids with his wife and per him, over a decade of marriage where she was abusive and withheld sex. He claims she was sexually abused and he just wanted to "fix" her.

 

So, some guys stay with certain women cuz of a "need". They probably wanna be Captain Save a Ho. Maybe that's the case with your guy. Maybe he wants a damaged woman cuz if he's in the higher/care taking role, she's dependent on him and he has the upper hand. In other words "relationship security".

 

So, probably cuz you aren't needy and a leech he doesn't feel you give him purpose. Become a needy leech and he might find you more attractive.

Really? If he can't take care of himself, how can he save anyone else? Are all the women in this scenario a 'Ho' or just certain ones?

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Really? If he can't take care of himself, how can he save anyone else? Are all the women in this scenario a 'Ho' or just certain ones?

 

Well, from what I've heard, a lot of people who focus on other "damaged" people sorta believe that by fixing someone else, they are working through "their" issues and/or trying to avoid their issues by focusing on other's issues.

 

Oh, and I didn't mean "ho" literally. It's just a saying. I also picked up a saying that "Damsels in distress will always be distressed damsels".

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Is this someone you're interested in? Because he sounds like a terrible person.

 

Yes...I think the question here is why she doesn't leave.

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Yes...I think the question here is why she doesn't leave.

 

Cuz, like most women...you think "I can love him better than she can".

 

I think most women, maybe it's biology (competing for a mate) why some women see certain situations and scratch their head as to why he won't just like "her"? :confused:

 

Ever see girls in high school compete for a boy?

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Some men do leave their wives ....which is where the OW is branded as a homewrecker, but in the majority of cases they just want a second relationship, NSA sex and excitement.

 

They want to stay married to maintain their status. They enjoy having a wife and family and they enjoy the escape from it. I also like escape from my family at times , but not by cheating. The MM don't want the OW full time and she is a supplement to his primary relationship.

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gettingstronger

Some leave for the OW, some for other reasons- divorce and break ups are pretty common these days- I think the only question that matters for you is "why won't he leave to be with me"- If what the two of you have is not worth whatever obstacles stand in his way than there is really nothing you can do but move on without him- you can ponder, explain away, etc but it comes down to that- if he doesn't find it worth it, neither should you-

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