Confrontation...

[Gloria25]

Guys, have you ever been in a situation where you hid from a chick you may have flirted with, and when she wanted to find out if you were interested/clarify what's going on, you avoided her?

 

Why did you avoid her? Why not simply say "nope, not interested"?

[deadelvis]

Guys, have you ever been in a situation where you hid from a chick you may have flirted with, and when she wanted to find out if you were interested/clarify what's going on, you avoided her?

 

Why did you avoid her? Why not simply say "nope, not interested"?

 

Avoidance suggests a lack of interest. I've never said "nope, not interested". Ghosting is the modern way of letting someone down gently.

[Davey L]

Avoidance suggests a lack of interest. I've never said "nope, not interested". Ghosting is the modern way of letting someone down gently.

 

It's rude and disrespectful. Better to have the balls to just tell someone you don't see it working out and calling it off.

 

Gloria, I hope this isn't the guy you recently posted about?

[Gloria25]

It's rude and disrespectful. Better to have the balls to just tell someone you don't see it working out and calling it off.

 

Gloria, I hope this isn't the guy you recently posted about?

 

THANK YOU!!!

 

I spent a year hooked on his little stunts and he could care less about even saying like "Hey, I"m sorry, I didn't mean for you to get attached"...or "something".

 

Instead "nothing" - not even speaking to me.

[deadelvis]

It's rude and disrespectful. Better to have the balls to just tell someone you don't see it working out and calling it off.

 

Gloria, I hope this isn't the guy you recently posted about?

 

I agree that it's rude. But unfortunately that's just the way things are done these days. Nobody wants to have that awkward conversation so it's just easier to ghost.

 

When I was single I would get a lot of girls phone numbers. I would text once with something like "Hey it's (DeadElvis) from the concert on Saturday. You want to get a drink later?"

 

No reply.

 

So then a couple days later "Hey just thought I'd try to reach you again. You still want to meet up for a drink sometime?"

 

No reply

 

A couple days later "Ok, last try. No reply to my previous texts. I guess I'll see you around"

 

Then she replies "Sorry, I've been busy. I'll text you when I'm not so busy"

 

then I reply "Ok, see ya around then"

 

Then I delete her number. That's just how it goes down about 75% of the time.

 

I've ghosted women after having sex a few times. You just take a long time to reply to their texts, mention that you're "busy" and send short texts that say things like "Ok, I'll talk to you later" They figure it out pretty quick.

 

Ghosting is just the way people cut things off in the modern world. Nobody wants drama or confrontation. Ghosting is a delicate way to say goodbye.

[Davey L]

THANK YOU!!!

 

I spent a year hooked on his little stunts and he could care less about even saying like "Hey, I"m sorry, I didn't mean for you to get attached"...or "something".

 

Instead "nothing" - not even speaking to me.

 

You're welcome, and I'm sorry to hear that you have been treated in this shabby way. How old is he? It doesn't seem to be a very adult way to behave.

[Frank2thepoint]

Why did you avoid her? Why not simply say "nope, not interested"?

 

Last time something like this happened to me was high school. I had a huge crush on this Greek girl for 4 years. I never made a move because I was really shy, and I really didn't know how to approach her. She knew I liked her a lot, and I can still remember the burning sensation of how shy and nervous I used to be.

[BC1980]

I'm not a guy, but I think ghosting is also a way to keep a person as an option. They never come out and cut it off, so they can pick it up again in a few months and just claim they were busy or needed space.

[Gloria25]

Last time something like this happened to me was high school. I had a huge crush on this Greek girl for 4 years. I never made a move because I was really shy, and I really didn't know how to approach her. She knew I liked her a lot, and I can still remember the burning sensation of how shy and nervous I used to be.

 

YES!!! ^^

 

And, that's what it feels like sometimes. We're adults waaay past our teens and 20's, but the things he does is like a shy boy. I mean, not the first time he's seen me and scurries away.

 

It's a difficult and complicated situation and yes, I'm a tall and intimidating woman, but I poop like everyone else. No need to act like this.

 

I think if he'd just relax and chat with me - much of that anxiety he has about me will go away.

 

Cuz yea, it may be that he's shy and I'm intimidating - but what he's doing comes off as very rude, disrespectful and definitely doesn't make me think he's interested. It also contradicts all the effort he does put into getting my attention.

[Gloria25]

I'm not a guy, but I think ghosting is also a way to keep a person as an option. They never come out and cut it off, so they can pick it up again in a few months and just claim they were busy or needed space.

 

And THAT'S ^^ what scares me...that he's buying time and when I least expect it, he's gonna poof back into my life and drag me back into back/forth hell.

[BC1980]

And THAT'S ^^ what scares me...that he's buying time and when I least expect it, he's gonna poof back into my life and drag me back into back/forth hell.

 

I went through that with a guy for 2 years (an ex from long ago). He would say he needed space and disappear. He'd pop up a month later like nothing happened. Turns out he had another woman, at one point, and was playing both of us. Each time, I'd take him back like a fool. One day, I'd had enough and cut him off. Months later, he calls me one night about 10 times, and I never answered. I was over it. But man, that guy had a toxic hold on me at one point. I actually changed my plans for grad school and moved to another town to get away from him.

 

He popped up a few years back and tried to friend me on FB. He propositioned me for a FWB relationship on the premise that his wife was withholding sex. Claimed she was okay with an open relationship. Of course, I declined. Can't say I wasn't a bit tempted though because he was the best sex I've had to this day. Still, it's not worth my pride or dignity. The only way to break away from these people is to be proactive in cutting them off.

[Got it]

And THAT'S ^^ what scares me...that he's buying time and when I least expect it, he's gonna poof back into my life and drag me back into back/forth hell.

 

He can't drag you into anything you don't willingly go into. You have a lot of control to shut this down and move on. What he does and doesn't do are the least of your concerns. Move on and then it doesn't matter how big a fool he is.

 

Why you are wasting time trying to see, analyze, and decipher such little crumbs is mind boggling. Think of the mental and emotional energy you are spending on this and where else you could invest it.

 

But maybe him being unavailable is what makes him attractive?

[Gloria25]

I went through that with a guy for 2 years (an ex from long ago). He would say he needed space and disappear. He'd pop up a month later like nothing happened. Turns out he had another woman, at one point, and was playing both of us. Each time, I'd take him back like a fool. One day, I'd had enough and cut him off. Months later, he calls me one night about 10 times, and I never answered. I was over it. But man, that guy had a toxic hold on me at one point. I actually changed my plans for grad school and moved to another town to get away from him.

 

He popped up a few years back and tried to friend me on FB. He propositioned me for a FWB relationship on the premise that his wife was withholding sex. Claimed she was okay with an open relationship. Of course, I declined. Can't say I wasn't a bit tempted though because he was the best sex I've had to this day. Still, it's not worth my pride or dignity. The only way to break away from these people is to be proactive in cutting them off.

 

I have considered moving away too. I'm also tired of the neighborhood and am considering turning my house into a rental or since I'm upside down in it, just walk away from it.

 

I'm also looking for work to take me out of the state/country.

 

But, either he's toned down with his little stunts to pull me back in or I'm not paying attention like I used to. Either way we're on the track of losing interest in each other. I'm having my monthly thing, so I blame that for me backsliding.

[Gloria25]

He can't drag you into anything you don't willingly go into. You have a lot of control to shut this down and move on. What he does and doesn't do are the least of your concerns. Move on and then it doesn't matter how big a fool he is.

 

Why you are wasting time trying to see, analyze, and decipher such little crumbs is mind boggling. Think of the mental and emotional energy you are spending on this and where else you could invest it.

 

But maybe him being unavailable is what makes him attractive?

 

Agreed....

 

Regardless of the reasons behind what he does, at the end of the day it does nothing for me but drag me down, make me miserable and angry.

 

No, I don't want him just cuz I can't. I just thought I was missing out on someone I had stuff in common with and that's hard to find for me. Also, cuz of the situation I have been more tolerant than I would be with someone else. But it's part his fault too cuz he shouldn't be giving signs to make me think I have a chance.

 

Eh, but he was very clear with ignoring me recently. I believe that me wanting to lay the cards on the table forced him to finally make up his mind and he was clear that his decision is to let me go by the most cowardly way - ghosting.

[Got it]

Agreed....

 

Regardless of the reasons behind what he does, at the end of the day it does nothing for me but drag me down, make me miserable and angry.

 

No, I don't want him just cuz I can't. I just thought I was missing out on someone I had stuff in common with and that's hard to find for me. Also, cuz of the situation I have been more tolerant than I would be with someone else. But it's part his fault too cuz he shouldn't be giving signs to make me think I have a chance.

 

Eh, but he was very clear with ignoring me recently. I believe that me wanting to lay the cards on the table forced him to finally make up his mind and he was clear that his decision is to let me go by the most cowardly way - ghosting.

 

Should or shouldn't, it doesn't matter if he was giving you signs. I would assume you see yourself as a fairly competitive "product". So you are not in something to waste your time as it limits yourself. So instead of jumping through mental hoops giving him reasons/excuses why he should get special treatment, he should have been "next" immediately.

 

Maybe he was bored and looking for some occasional ego stroking. If he isn't presenting you with anything other than that why extend him any special considerations?

[purplesorrow]

Does he know you well enough to know how you would react if he did approach you? Maybe he fears you might go a little berserk or something and he doesn't like confrontation.

[Gloria25]

Should or shouldn't, it doesn't matter if he was giving you signs. I would assume you see yourself as a fairly competitive "product". So you are not in something to waste your time as it limits yourself. So instead of jumping through mental hoops giving him reasons/excuses why he should get special treatment, he should have been "next" immediately.

 

Maybe he was bored and looking for some occasional ego stroking. If he isn't presenting you with anything other than that why extend him any special considerations?

 

Yes, and while I believe I'm a "competitive product", I gave him so many chances cuz I wanna make sure that I'm not being too picky, old fashioned, or whatever.

 

I mean you have a string of guys come to LS saying how women won't give them a break, women won't take initiative, women won't approach and leave it all on them. How flattered they are when they have a woman approach first.

 

So, there you go, my thread proves that scared, Beta, or whatever guys won't step up to the plate when a woman they are attracted to actually makes all the first moves. Cuz he, at the end of the day doesn't think he's good enough, cuz if he did, she wouldn't have to put so much work into simply trying to have a one minute convo.

 

And I'm not saying this to insult him or any guy, but if he's not playing games and/or looking me up cuz he's bored, then I lean towards shy - especially when he does the hide/seek stuff.

 

And guys need to relax already. We women, even "products" like myself have insecurities. Last time I tried to chat him up, my heart was racing and I also had to muster up courage to speak to him.

 

If people would just relax and just "do it", the anxiety will go down...especially after you sit down and talk, you realize that they're a human too.

 

Too easy to hide in the shadows and stare and come up with endless and even unrealistic ideas about a person.

 

And yes, we all have been burned. Actually this recent event made me want to reconsider the recent connections I made with guys out of fear that they're gonna be like him, but you know what? I have to push forward so don't let your past paralyze you. Keep it in the back of your mind to be cautious, but not to limit you.

[Gloria25]

Does he know you well enough to know how you would react if he did approach you? Maybe he fears you might go a little berserk or something and he doesn't like confrontation.

 

He knows me well enough to know that I wasn't gonna go berserk. Not the first time I've spoken to him and just walk off when he starts acting funky.

 

Gosh, reminds me of one time I was trying to simply ask him ho things were going and he didn't respond. I got fed up and walked off then he exclaims "Happy New Year"....and I'm like does he have a delay in processing what I said, cuz before I asked him how he's doing, I said Happy New Year.

[candie13]

Gloria, silence is also an answer, girl. Why would you be hung up over a guy who didn't show a proof of solid interest in you? so, ok, the guy understood you were digging him and was a bit dodgy around you... isn't that clear enough ?

 

I am sorry, gal, but you need to understand that making no choice is making a choice, in itself. He is not "keeping you warm" or "keeping you as a second option", you present yourself as a second option by accepting his moments of interest. If he appears and reappears and disappears and reappears... well... screw him, girl ! Next !

 

Don't settle for this *****, you're wasting your time. wanna know why he's doing it? because he bloody can, that's why. Because you allow him to.

 

Now, stop projecting this stuff onto him, learn to take it like a man and move on. You're not a teenager anymore to have your eyes blurried with all that. See through his behavior and chose a better match !

 

cheers

[deadelvis]

Yeah Gloria. This guy doesn't really seem like he's worth the effort. It just seems like he's been playing games since day one. You've posted numerous threads about him, and it seems like you really want to pursue something serious with him, but based on what you've posted on LS, he just doesn't seem very emotionally available, or even very mature for that matter. I'd date a couple other guys in the meantime and stop placing so much emphasis on him. It seems clear that you really do like him. Maybe a little competition will make him come to his senses. Or maybe you'll find someone who appreciates you more. It sounds like you're an intelligent, attractive woman. Someone else will appreciate that and not keep playing these silly games with you.

[candie13]

Rejection is hard to accept, girl. But not accepting it is the surest way to taste it over ... and over ... and over again.

 

Just take it like a woman and never look back ! It's the healthy approach! No matter how yummy the man is... he's just not available ! And nothing ever compares to a man wanting to be with you !!! Nothing ! However he should want it. Him! For himself. And there's nothing you can do to make him feel differently. You can't hurry love!

[readynow]

Gloria, you know I'm a fan but I hope now, you'll start to bend towards a different kind of thinking. Not every man can deal with so much woman. Did you both have sex by any chance?

 

Many men want to do the chasing. When you start being the one to find out how he's doing, ask him what's going on, call him and text him all in the name of being open, waiting around for his phone call etc the guy who was previously interested now thinks, 'no thanks'. Now he doesn't even want to talk about it because he knows you'll be all confrontational and demanding answers.

 

Switch your 'manhandling' methods and compare the results. There is plenty of time in the relationship to give all of your self.

 

By the way, what's this 'product' you're calling yourself? What does that even mean? I don't know many men who want a 'product' for dating. They want a woman. Which is why even the 'slug' gets the guy.

[gaius]

I honestly think based on the limited actual contact you two have had that he probably doesn't think or strategize about it at all, since your interactions haven't met the threshold of having to do anything either way. Maybe his wife sees you trying to engage with him and warns him off of it but other than that I doubt any mental effort is expended.

 

If you can't find a way to get over this guy you're never going to be happy Gloria. I got happy reading your LDR threads recently but I guess those were just another game to try and get his attention. When in reality he isn't really paying attention, much less is even on loveshack. =/

[Gloria25]

Gloria, you know I'm a fan but I hope now, you'll start to bend towards a different kind of thinking. Not every man can deal with so much woman. Did you both have sex by any chance?

 

Many men want to do the chasing. When you start being the one to find out how he's doing, ask him what's going on, call him and text him all in the name of being open, waiting around for his phone call etc the guy who was previously interested now thinks, 'no thanks'. Now he doesn't even want to talk about it because he knows you'll be all confrontational and demanding answers.

 

Agreed, cuz as much as these guys come on LS whining about women making the first move, they still prefer to be the chasers. Cuz, with this guy I've noticed when I step back he steps out of his cave - even if he just peeks out and runs back in. He also has no issue with wasting his money on "gestures" and "mirroring", but if I dare try to buy something for him, he gets upset. So, does he and other guys not realize that while they say they prefer women to be the initiators and all that - they STILL are following biology?

 

Switch your 'manhandling' methods and compare the results. There is plenty of time in the relationship to give all of your self.

 

By the way, what's this 'product' you're calling yourself? What does that even mean? I don't know many men who want a 'product' for dating. They want a woman. Which is why even the 'slug' gets the guy.

 

I used the term "product" cuz Got It used it. I think the "slug" gets the guy cuz I'm too independent. Again, while men say they are ok with a woman making more, having her own stuff - biology says men provide/protect. A "slug" and/or manipulator plays on a guy's need to be the stronger one. I was listening to my fav podcaster and she was talking how women stroke men's egos. They tell men how much they need him, etc. If men/women don't have that exchange, then what role does a man have in a woman's life? Sperm donor?

 

Again, going back to my situation, he gets motivated to do things based on what I post on LS. I challenge him to be a stronger and better man...she doesn't. So, she's got him cuz she's dependent on him - but at the same time, he leans on me cuz men need a balance between an independent and lazy woman. So, both of us fill a need for him. But, he leans towards her more cuz I have my own stuff, I don't need him as much as she does. He feels better around her.

 

Actually, years ago, a guy left me for some chick who wasn't going to school, no job, and just in her 20's ambition was to babysit her cousins. He had the nerve to tell me he felt more "comfortable" around her. Well, excuse me for having my bachelors, a career, car, home, savings/investments at 20:rolleyes:. Mind you, he did come back to me and I told him to get lost, cuz I'm not taking in someone who doesn't feel "comfortable" around me. Too little, too late.

 

Please see my responses in bold.

[Gloria25]

I honestly think based on the limited actual contact you two have had that he probably doesn't think or strategize about it at all, since your interactions haven't met the threshold of having to do anything either way. Maybe his wife sees you trying to engage with him and warns him off of it but other than that I doubt any mental effort is expended.

 

I think he does strategize to a point. There's much I don't post here cuz I don't wanna expose the parties involved. Wifey doesn't see me, but I think deep down inside one reason why she's pulled a few "squeeze" stunts is cuz she knows she's gotta lock him down cuz he's lukewarm about her - especially when I think he's also still got a thing for his ex and wife does see his banter with the ex.

 

If you can't find a way to get over this guy you're never going to be happy Gloria. I got happy reading your LDR threads recently but I guess those were just another game to try and get his attention. When in reality he isn't really paying attention, much less is even on loveshack. =/

 

Umm, well LDR guy isn't a lie and/or someone I'm talking to just to get his attention. Him and his ex play those stupid games and its quite nauseating to watch them back and forth with the fake pics on social media. I guess posting about it on LS was sorta to show off, but in part cuz I was so elated to have an "out". I'm also feeling bad that in this moment of moving on, I slipped back into worrying about this guy.

 

Yes, I'm hoping you're right about him not paying attention anymore and like I said, either he's not paying anymore attention and/or I'm not looking to see if he is. I think I caught his gestures/mirroring cuz I was looking. I don't have the energy to look much anymore so there may/may not be stuff he's doing and I'm simply missing it.

 

Please see my responses in bold ^^.

 

I think I'm having a bad trip, relapse cuz of it being "that time of the month". So, give me a week and I'll be back on track with moving on. Thanks for responses/support so far.