Wally Bee Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Ok, first off I'm not a timid guy. I'm not super confident either, but I have the tendency to be the "nice guy". The one that opens the door for you, buys you flowers, sends notes, set up surprises, tries to get along with your family, supports your future goals (school, career, etc), etc. Willing to sacrifice what's necessary to be there for her. I have a tendency to not care where we go to eat. I'm not really all that picky about a lot of stuff. I don't let a lot of things bother me because they just seems trivial, like how big my room is, because compared to other problems I've come across in my life they seem just that. I'm the guy that likes playing games for social reasons, and being a bad winner is destructive to groups. So... i dont mind throwing a winning hand away if it means the game continues. But i can see how not being/wanting to be the "winner" can seem beta. My question is: is there any truth behind the alpha male concept? Could i have been too attentive to making her happy that she lost attraction for me? It's very deceiving b/c when we are on all those trips and the surprises she seemed excited and happy to be with me. Showing me off to everyone, posting happy pictures, etc. I don't let a lot of things like drama bother me, because it's just that. Is it possible because I dont always back her up on her drama that she thinks I dont have her back? Should you back up your SO to the end even if she is partly to blame? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I think it's less about the alpha/beta thing and more about how women generally don't like passive guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wally Bee Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 is passive the same thing as unmotivated? - i have a lot of passions and I do pursue them, I finally got my career going and starting a great new hobby. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 For a lot of women it depends where they are at on their cycle or if they're on certain types of BC. Biologically it's finding who she subconsciously feels is a strong Alpha male to mate with. Once pregnant that can change to her seeking out who she subconsciously feels will be a good provider for her & her child. How much of this really happens is unknown. Not a popular thing to research. A lot of people get highly offended by behavioral science for some weird reason. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 so you're just easy-going? that's not passive, but if a particular gf sees it that way, it's a dating problem. you just have to be with someone who matches or appreciates your own level of passivity or aggression. every woman is willing to tolerate a different level of passive/aggressive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseWater Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Nothing is less attractive to me than a passive, beta male. I feel slightly nauseated even thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Ppl confuse the alpha/beta thing with other behaviors all the time. A beta male would technically be a guy who defers to an alpha male. The dynamic doesn't really involve women. You sound moreso passive. In a nutshell, being laid back is ok w/most women, and even some degree of passivity, as long as you're not personally weak, have some backbone, and are able to stand up for yourself on things that matter. If you put all her needs before yours without question it casts some doubt on your personal self-esteem and self-worth and confidence, and those things are unattractive. A woman can't feel excited and inspired about the affection and attention of a man who doesn't hold himself in high regard. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wally Bee Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 She was really passive as well, and probably an adrenaline junkie as well. I guess wanting me to take charge. It's not that I let her walk all over me, when I felt she was wrong or silly about something I'd tell her. Granted sometimes she didn't like that but I wouldn't call myself a pushover b/c I tried to meet her needs, but I didn't do it if it meant that i wasn't getting what I needed. I've done some research and it seems that people are telling me I'm not "being a man" in the relationship. Most of what we had and did was pretty mutual, she met me as close to half way as she could and yet still lost attraction for me. This whole thing makes me question what a relationship is all about now. I'm just trying to figure out why so that it'll not happen the next time I find someone I care deeply about. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Don't worry about being Alpha or beta per se. Just work on being a healthy individual (I'm not saying you are not healthy BTW) and the rest falls into place. Be healthy...be yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 This whole thing makes me question what a relationship is all about now. I'm just trying to figure out why so that it'll not happen the next time I find someone I care deeply about. Each person is different. You can never predict how a new woman in your life will behave with you. But a great limiter is making assumptions and comparing. In fact, that will just implode the relationship for you. The best thing to do is improve parts of yourself that you feel might need improvement. If you feel you are too passive, then try to take initiative. There is a certain amount of leading or initiative taking a woman likes about a man, but not completely, all the time. If it means choosing where to eat or what show to watch once in a while, then just do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Don't worry about being Alpha or beta per se. I respectfully disagree Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 An Alpha is one who other adults defer to (and not at work). Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Most men don't think of themselves as alpha, beta, gamma, sigma, whatever. They barely give any of that silliness a thought. OP you are just limiting yourself if you apply any of those labels to yourself or even care about them. Have a little more self-respect. There is also a big difference between being passive and being laid back. Frequent passivity in a person is very unattractive to the vast majority of women and men. (BTW, I think everyone is at least a little passive every now and then.) Highly passive people are usually boring and insecure. If you're passive OP, I suggest taking steps to minimize that side of yourself. (If you're passive-aggressive...that ain't good at all.) Being laid back is OK to an extent...it becomes a problem when the person is lazy and procrastinates too much. A guy can be both laid back (as in calm, chill, patient, etc.) and still confident and assertive enough to proactively make decisions, contribute as needed, seize opportunities, be spontaneous and take the lead when appropriate. Some women are fine with that kind of guy; others aren't...they prefer guys who are energetic/boisterous. Depends on the woman. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I respectfully disagree haha I'm sure you do! I'll leave alphaing to you. I have my own style. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wally Bee Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Thanks guys, this opened up my eyes quite a bit. I want to fix the holes I have left in my life (not a lot left now). I keep coming across a ton of "be more alpha, get bad boy hair, wear these blue jeans and buy boots, grab her by the hair and smoosh her face in the pillow" mentality. I'm assertive when I need to be, but sometimes I miss where it counts. Link to post Share on other sites
htmshsj Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Nothing is less attractive to me than a passive, beta male. I feel slightly nauseated even thinking about it. Yep. Same with me and women with body fat anywhere except their tits/ass, not-blonde hair, or wrinkles. I just puked thinking about it. On a more serious note, part of getting to know someone is learning what makes them unique--what are their opinions and how did they come to these conclusions? How do they think? What's their perspective on things? In a relationship, two heads are better than one. If you're the type of person that's afraid to express these things for fear of rocking the boat, you're really not contributing much to the other person. They might as well be talking to themselves. You can have your own goals/thoughts/convictions/opinions, etc while still being easygoing and agreeable. People may actually find it refreshing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I keep coming across a ton of "be more alpha, get bad boy hair, wear these blue jeans and buy boots, grab her by the hair and smoosh her face in the pillow" mentality. The thing is, if someone becomes an "alpha male" just because he thinks women will respond better to him, then he hasn't really changed. He is still a "people pleaser". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Wally, you keep questioning if you should change because she lost interest in you. What if the issue isn't you but her? I would understand questioning yourself if you saw a pattern of similar behavior but right now you don't have much data. Be who you want to be, act in the manner that you find acceptable and can go to bed happy being, and let the chips fall where they may. I think it is admirable to want to see if you have areas to improve, we all need to constantly access ourselves, but don't twist yourself into knots on one person's assessment (and it seems like very limited assessment). It may have had little to actually do with you and the break up and issues could have been more her baggage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseWater Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Yep. Same with me and women with body fat anywhere except their tits/ass, not-blonde hair, or wrinkles. I just puked thinking about it. On a more serious note, part of getting to know someone is learning what makes them unique--what are their opinions and how did they come to these conclusions? How do they think? What's their perspective on things? In a relationship, two heads are better than one. If you're the type of person that's afraid to express these things for fear of rocking the boat, you're really not contributing much to the other person. They might as well be talking to themselves. You can have your own goals/thoughts/convictions/opinions, etc while still being easygoing and agreeable. People may actually find it refreshing. It's called having a preference. You'll find that quite a few women are very turned off by passive men. Yuck. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 It's called having a preference. You'll find that quite a few women are very turned off by passive men. Yuck. I totally agree. But something to keep in mind... In my experience how a woman defines "passive" varies greatly according to her own personality type. With my ex wife, she thought I was too passive in general (including career) but she thought light years aheads of me and was a pretty aggressive woman. For me, her way was over the top. For her, I was too passive. Me supposedly being "passive" wasn't even an issue with other relationships. This is why I would never be in another relationship again with such a strong alpha/aggressive personality type because, as you say, women tend to not like passive men, and I know I will probably be cast as too "passive" in that situation. And I have absolutely no interest in becoming someone I am not just to please certain women. Anyway, my point is, to a certain extent, it's all relative. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Over the years one of the things I have noticed about people is how often when they meet some one new how quickly they judge that person. And once categorized one is stuck there. That is until an emergency hits. It is then that the so called Alphas fade and it is the bettas that go into action and solve the problem, while the Alpha sits on the side line. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 OP, the things you described that you do for your girlfriend (the flowers, the opening the door, the attentiveness) are not passive, beta, or otherwise. They are just what someone who actually cares about a woman does. I don't really think much in terms of alpha or beta, but decisiveness and drive are important to me. I don't want to make all the plans. I don;t want to have to decide where to eat all the time. And I like a man who has a passion - whether it be his career, a hobby, a cause. I think for me it boils down to energy. I am a high energy person, so a very very low energy person frustrates me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Wally, you keep questioning if you should change because she lost interest in you. What if the issue isn't you but her? I would understand questioning yourself if you saw a pattern of similar behavior but right now you don't have much data. Be who you want to be, act in the manner that you find acceptable and can go to bed happy being, and let the chips fall where they may. I think it is admirable to want to see if you have areas to improve, we all need to constantly access ourselves, but don't twist yourself into knots on one person's assessment (and it seems like very limited assessment). It may have had little to actually do with you and the break up and issues could have been more her baggage. Took the words right out of my mouth! Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I think what it boils down to is that most women want a guy who's assertive and has strong convictions, but isn't so rigid in his ways that he's got no room to compromise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I think what it boils down to is that most women want a guy who's assertive and has strong convictions, but isn't so rigid in his ways that he's got no room to compromise. that sounds good blanco Link to post Share on other sites
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