What do you say if someone asked if you cheated before?

[SocialButterfly]

I already got asked this question after a couple dates with a French guy I'm seeing. Not sure if this was a good reply but I said that it was too early to talk about that and quickly changed the subject.

 

That question caught me by surprise. I've been on both sides of the fence but have moved on since then, this is something I never want to go through again as it brings bad memories. I just don't know if I should share this at some point.

Edited October 8, 2015 by SocialButterfly

[Taramere]

I'd really want to know what place that question was coming from, so I'd answer it with a question along the lines of "I'll answer that once you've told me whether you're asking this as somebody who has been cheated on, as somebody who was the cheater - or if it's both. Or neither."

 

My guess, though, would be that a question like that would come from a place of mistrustful "I've been cheated on before, and I don't want it happening again."

 

Then again, he's French - so he could be asking it in a stereotypically Gallic "it's fun to cheat a little, n'est-ce pas?"

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm not sure why you shut him down with that question. Granted it might not have been a question you were expecting on a date with a new guy but it might have been an important question to him. He might have had his heart broken by infidelity as well and just wanted to gauge your response before investing any further.

 

At the very least I think you should have been honest with him that he caught you by surprise and let him know your thoughts on the subject. If his intentions were more of a naughty nature as mentioned by Taramere, then consider it a blessing you found out sooner rather than later.

 

I don't think it's wrong or inappropriate to ask questions that might shed some light on someone's integrity. Women aren't the only ones who get burned after all.

 

Will you be seeing him again?

Edited October 8, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[alphamale]

lie through your teeth

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure why you shut him down with that question. Granted it might not have been a question you were expecting on a date with a new guy but it might have been an important question to him. He might have had his heart broken by infidelity as well and just wanted to gauge your response before investing any further.

 

At the very least I think you should have been honest with him that he caught you by surprise and let him know your thoughts on the subject. If his intentions were more of a naughty nature as mentioned by Taramere, then consider it a blessing you found out sooner rather than later.

 

I don't think it's wrong or inappropriate to ask questions that might shed some light on someone's integrity. Women aren't the only ones who get burned after all.

 

Will you be seeing him again?

 

The problem with the whole "shedding light on their integrity" mantra is that maybe someone cheated 15 years ago, had remorse, worked on themselves, and their "integrity" is no longer in question.

 

That said, I would find out first what prompted them to ask that particular question. Then I'd be honest regardless of the answer. Their reaction to your answer and their purpose for asking will tell you a lot about whether or not you are compatible.

[salparadise]

I think he knows the answer by way of your awkwardly dodging the question and changing the subject. People who have never cheated wouldn't be hesitant to answer.

 

I've asked this question of most of the people I've been seriously interested in... but definitely not in the first few dates. I only care if I think the relationship has potential. I didn't always get the answer I was hoping for.

[guild11]

Why would you get in relationship and then cheat ?

Personally I'll never get into a relationship with someone who cheated.

Thats 1 of the rules i'll never break.

[Michelle ma Belle]

***I reread your OP and just realized I missed the part that you HAVE cheated on someone before.

 

In that case I agree with those that said your hesitation spoke volumes.

 

Good luck.

[SocialButterfly]

I'd really want to know what place that question was coming from, so I'd answer it with a question along the lines of "I'll answer that once you've told me whether you're asking this as somebody who has been cheated on, as somebody who was the cheater - or if it's both. Or neither."

He just asked randomly. I don't know if he's been cheated on or cheated.

[SocialButterfly]

Why would you get in relationship and then cheat ?

Personally I'll never get into a relationship with someone who cheated.

Thats 1 of the rules i'll never break.

I understand. You're in the rights not to want someone that cheated before.

 

This is something I really never want to repeat again and haven't ever since then. I was 19 back then; now I'm 23. I mean if I would be able to go back in time and stop myself from doing something stupid, I would. I've been trying to move on from this and not talk about it to anyone new I bump into.

[SocialButterfly]

lie through your teeth

I told myself I wouldn't lie nor cheat on anyone ever again.

[SocialButterfly]

***I reread your OP and just realized I missed the part that you HAVE cheated on someone before.

Yes and then he cheated back too. I know what's it like being on both sides. It's something I'll carrying on for years, that I hurt someone. I was hoping that since moving on from this, I wouldn't share this with anyone new.

And yes I'll be seeing him again on Saturday.

[autumnnight]

Yes and then he cheated back too. I know what's it like being on both sides. It's something I'll carrying on for years, that I hurt someone. I was hoping that since moving on from this, I wouldn't share this with anyone new.

And yes I'll be seeing him again on Saturday.

 

If you own your past actions, if you have worked on yourself, if you have changed, and if you have grown and are not that person anymore, then I say if he asks again just be honest. Tel him yes, tell him what you feel about it, and then let the chips fall.

 

There is not a person on this earth who has not, at some point, hurt another person. Cheating is a huger hurt. However, a man who will decide based on one facet of your life without getting to know anything about who you have become since then, not to date you....he is well within his rights. But as a person who has learned to see and own your imperfection and fallibility, you do not want to date someone like that anyway.

 

I fully understand not wanting to date someone who cheated, especially if you have been cheated on before.

 

But in many ways, I would rather date someone who says: I did, I hate it, it was wrong, I did a lot of work, and I will NEVER do that again

 

than someone who says: I would never. I am above such things and impervious to them.

 

Telling the truth will always lead you to the right people and away from the wrong ones.

[angel.eyes]

Since I've never cheated, I would just answer "no." If he didn't elaborate on his question, I would then ask him if he's ever cheated...or been cheated on. We can have a discussion about what prompted his question.

 

I've been asked a lot of unusual, totally out of left field questions on early dates. I welcome them. It generally leads to a very interesting discussion and a great deal of insight into my date's thinking and values.

 

If I think someone is relationship material, no question is "too early" in my book. In order to find the right person, you have to get to know the person. My advice would be to be you. Own your history and embrace who you are today. Trying to hide things usually only delays the inevitable.

[Frank2thepoint]

At the very least I think you should have been honest with him that he caught you by surprise and let him know your thoughts on the subject. If his intentions were more of a naughty nature as mentioned by Taramere, then consider it a blessing you found out sooner rather than later.

 

I don't think it's wrong or inappropriate to ask questions that might shed some light on someone's integrity. Women aren't the only ones who get burned after all.

 

If you own your past actions, if you have worked on yourself, if you have changed, and if you have grown and are not that person anymore, then I say if he asks again just be honest. Tel him yes, tell him what you feel about it, and then let the chips fall.

 

I'm with Michelle and autumnnight on this one. Just be honest about it, and give him the chance to choose. Someone that cheats is someone that denies the other person they are in a relationship with the choice to stay or leave. Evading the question sends the wrong message, meaning you are unwilling to communicate. As you probably know, that is a downward spiral in any relationship.

 

 

than someone who says: I would never. I am above such things and impervious to them.

 

Some people have the fortitude and principle to never cheat.

[Stage5Clinger]

I think it was a fair question.. possibly sprung from the fact that he's reading you like a book and already knew the answer.

 

I will be adding that question to my date questionnaire to rule out cheaters.

[autumnnight]

Some people have the fortitude and principle to never cheat.

 

I know quite a few people who knew they would never cheat because of how good they were......until they did.

 

"Pride goes before the fall" is a well known saying for a reason.

[autumnnight]

I think it was a fair question.. possibly sprung from the fact that he's reading you like a book and already knew the answer.

 

I will be adding that question to my date questionnaire to rule out cheaters.

 

I assume it is then fine for them to rule YOU out for any past bad choices you may have made. Or are you perfect? I have met a lot of perfect people on the internet.....

[TunaCat]

I would be honest.

 

Why would you be ANYTHING other than honest about this?

 

For the record, I've never cheated. I was in an on again off again relationship with my ex, who is the ONLY person I've ever even dated.

[Stage5Clinger]

I would be honest.

 

Why would you be ANYTHING other than honest about this?

 

For the record, I've never cheated. I was in an on again off again relationship with my ex, who is the ONLY person I've ever even dated.

 

Just curious how old are you?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

The truth. I've never cheated on anyone & never will. I was an OM once in my early 20s, with a recent ex when I was single.

[road]

I told myself I wouldn't lie nor cheat on anyone ever again.

 

 

 

 

Lie by commission is to say something that is false.

 

 

Lie by omission is to lie by leaving out the truth.

 

 

By refusing to answer his questioned you have lied again.

[compulsivedancer]

I understand. You're in the rights not to want someone that cheated before.

 

This is something I really never want to repeat again and haven't ever since then. I was 19 back then; now I'm 23. I mean if I would be able to go back in time and stop myself from doing something stupid, I would. I've been trying to move on from this and not talk about it to anyone new I bump into.

 

You should tell him exactly that.

[RedRobin]

This is one of those questions, similar to the 'what's your number of sexual partners' that I never ask.

 

I've never cheated, but I have my doubts about the motives of people who ask. Same way I have doubts about those who ask about how many men I have slept with. Mine is low, but men who ask the question seem like they are digging for dirt... Or covering up themselves. I dunno. It rubs me the wrong way. They wanna know what your history is so that they can adjust theirs accordingly. Is my observation.

 

I probably would not go on another date with a guy who asked that question. They are either looking for dirt or asking for permission for them to cheat on me. I don't give a rats ass what some guy tells me. I only care what he shows me, and I can't say I have had too many problems spotting the cheaters no matter what they profess.

[SocialButterfly]

Thank you for the replies. I just hope to get a second chance in a relationship, if not with this guy (he's not my bf yet) then with someone else; be a better gf, what I couldn't be to my ex bf.

 

As for now, things seem ok and he still wants to see me.