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Why won't he propose?


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I am so frustrated.... I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years, living together for almost 6 years and he still hasn't proposed to me. I have had several conversations with him about how important it is to me to be married and how I want a long term monogamous relationship with someone who I love and loves me, and marriage is a symbol of that. I am in my late twenties and he is just over 40, but he is young at heart and I am quite mature for my age so it would seem that we are ready. I also want children at some point before I can't have them anymore, but he also seems resistant to that. I am getting really impatient. Every time we talk about it he says he loves me and why am I not just happy with the way things are, and I tell him I am, but there is a part of me that needs more to feel comfortable. He wants us to move to a different state to buy a new house and settle down there but I told him I don't want to do that unless we are at least engaged because that is a big step leaving everyone and everything (besides him) behind. We also have several pets together that feel like children, and I can't just leave him because we completely share lives together. I'm just so confused. I feel like I am a really good girlfriend, have always been faithful and supportive, loving, giving, our sex life is great and he seems satisfied with everything, so I don't understand why he wont propose. He says he just has so much going on with work etc so he doesn't feel like its the right time, but that he wants to be with me forever...Excuses excuses. I just have this weird feeling that there is some other reason. I don't think he is cheating but I have worried about that too. Maybe I am just overthinking things, but I have just always wanted to be proposed to and marry someone who is overjoyed to be with me and really wants to marry me. Part of me feels like I am wasting my life with him because I am just settling. I don't know if I can be any more direct and honest with him. Am I just waisting my time? What is wrong with me?

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Has he been married before? Does he have any children?

 

No previous marriage or kids... he owns a business with a childhood friend and that was the focus of his life for most of his 20s and early 30s and still is somewhat. His bestfriend is his age too and never married and childless too so that doesn't really help.

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Thank you for the follow up. Personally I think you are focusing to much on his actions, or lack there of and not enough on what is important to you. As you've stated in your initial thread marriage and children are extremely important to you and lets be honest, after this long of a relationship he should know if he wants to marry you and have children.

 

 

My humble opinion is you need to be your authentic self and determine if forgoing having a husband and children is something you are willing to give up by staying with this man. I think soon enough the answer will be clear to you and you will react accordingly.

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ManyDissapoint

its very likely that he has hidden reasons for not wanting marriage. he may have heard the horror stories. he may be afraid that getting married would ruin the good thing you have going on now. if he has his own business and is doing well, keep in mind that marriage is a gamble for the wealthier individual due to the laws and courts. marriage in that case only incentivizes the gambler to honor the marriage, not the other party. why do you want to be married so badly? it sounds like you are essentially married now. have you checked the common law marriage in your area?

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Thank you for the follow up. Personally I think you are focusing to much on his actions, or lack there of and not enough on what is important to you. As you've stated in your initial thread marriage and children are extremely important to you and lets be honest, after this long of a relationship he should know if he wants to marry you and have children.

 

 

My humble opinion is you need to be your authentic self and determine if forgoing having a husband and children is something you are willing to give up by staying with this man. I think soon enough the answer will be clear to you and you will react accordingly.

 

I think that's excellent advice.

 

Every time we talk about it he says he loves me and why am I not just happy with the way things are

 

That sounds a tad obtuse of him. You want to have children, and you want to have them in the context of a stable relationship. That's a perfectly normal desire for a woman in your situation to have.

 

He's made his position clear. He'd prefer things to just chug along as they are. You want the stability of a marriage in which you can bring children up. So given that it's now been 7 years, with no sign of the two of you getting any closer in terms of wanting the same sort of future, it's probably time for you to face the stark choice between continuing in a relationship with him, or ending the relationship and finding a man who wants to take the same direction in life as you want to take.

 

For me, if I were your age and felt strongly motivated to have children, it would be a very easy choice to make. Not an easy one to handle emotionally....but in terms of "which is the right choice to make?" I think the answer is crystal clear.

Edited by Taramere
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ManyDissapoint
I will not. This thread is about the OP's personal circumstances and choices she is faced with making - given that she wants marriage in her future (regardless of what you personally think about marriage). I'm not going to assist you in hijacking her thread for the purposes of pro or anti marriage rants.

 

In case you didn't notice, the title of the thread is "Why won't he propose." Since I find myself with a similar attitude to her SO, namely that I value commitment, loyalty and stability very much, but I am extremely apprehensive about marriage, I was hoping to offer some insight into the mind of her SO.

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It just sounds like he doesn't want to marry your or have kids. That should be enough for you to figure out what you gotta do and make a stand for yourself.

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Thank you for the follow up. Personally I think you are focusing to much on his actions, or lack there of and not enough on what is important to you. As you've stated in your initial thread marriage and children are extremely important to you and lets be honest, after this long of a relationship he should know if he wants to marry you and have children.

 

 

My humble opinion is you need to be your authentic self and determine if forgoing having a husband and children is something you are willing to give up by staying with this man. I think soon enough the answer will be clear to you and you will react accordingly.

 

 

Thank you, I appreciate your opinion and I hope that it becomes clear to me...Right now it isn't at all because I love him so dearly but it seems like we want different things in certain ways. I was hoping he would come around someday but it's just wearing me down feeling like I will never what I really want.

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its very likely that he has hidden reasons for not wanting marriage. he may have heard the horror stories. he may be afraid that getting married would ruin the good thing you have going on now. if he has his own business and is doing well, keep in mind that marriage is a gamble for the wealthier individual due to the laws and courts. marriage in that case only incentivizes the gambler to honor the marriage, not the other party. why do you want to be married so badly? it sounds like you are essentially married now. have you checked the common law marriage in your area?

 

 

I don't really pay attention to horror stories of marriage, that happened to those people, not me and I would hope that doesn't influence him. His business is going well now but for a while it was really rough and I stayed by his side the whole time even though he was an ass a lot of the time. I am the last person to ever try to take money from someone or screw them over if we got a divorce, which I don't see happening. He knows me and my whole family and friends and has seen my lifetime track record of always being loyal and loving and never screwing anyone over. I want to be married once. Not for religious reasons or money reasons, but because it's my desire for my future. Maybe I'm just silly for still holding out on my fairy tale dreams, but it's what I want. I am not a very traditional person in most ways in my life, but in some I am, including marriage. I realize that modern society has completely screwed with the notion of marriage, but for me, it's still beautiful. The idea of finding one person who you love and are dedicated to working on things with, who loves you and is dedicated to working on things with you, who wants to raise amazing babies who turn into a great contribution to society, that is just so wonderful. We have already been through a lot together and still remain in love and I get that we are "kind of" married, but I feel like western culture has thrown out so many beautiful traditions that mark life and I think that is sad. A wedding is a ceremony to say what you are dedicated to, and the marriage is living out those words, walking your talk. I don't want a common law marriage. I enjoy the romance and tradition of marriage. It also helps when you have children and you all have the same last name and if anything happens medically you are all family and there aren't any weird legal issues. I don't want a perfect marriage because I know that isn't possible. I don't mind the work and the struggle I will go through to stay with someone and be bound to them for life. Marriage can be wonderful and I won't be swayed by the mistakes of the majority of society.

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I think that's excellent advice.

 

 

 

That sounds a tad obtuse of him. You want to have children, and you want to have them in the context of a stable relationship. That's a perfectly normal desire for a woman in your situation to have.

 

He's made his position clear. He'd prefer things to just chug along as they are. You want the stability of a marriage in which you can bring children up. So given that it's now been 7 years, with no sign of the two of you getting any closer in terms of wanting the same sort of future, it's probably time for you to face the stark choice between continuing in a relationship with him, or ending the relationship and finding a man who wants to take the same direction in life as you want to take.

 

For me, if I were your age and felt strongly motivated to have children, it would be a very easy choice to make. Not an easy one to handle emotionally....but in terms of "which is the right choice to make?" I think the answer is crystal clear.

 

 

Thank you so much, just reading that it is ok and normal for me to have these desires made me cry. I feel like so many people just think that marriage is just a piece of paper that doesn't matter and because so many people can't make it work, that I am wrong for wanting to try, and that has made me so depressed. I just don't know how to leave someone that I love so much and invested so much time and energy into, especially when he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me forever too. He goes back and forth between telling me that we will probably get married someday to why can't we just stay the way we are. He also is unsure if he will make a great dad, but I think he will (his father wasn't there for him so I think that's an issue). I just don't know what to do.

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In case you didn't notice, the title of the thread is "Why won't he propose." Since I find myself with a similar attitude to her SO, namely that I value commitment, loyalty and stability very much, but I am extremely apprehensive about marriage, I was hoping to offer some insight into the mind of her SO.

 

Understood, but your question to me seemed aimed at moving the discussion away from the OP's situation and towards a general discussion about divorce rates etc.

 

It may well be that her partner feels the same way that you do about marriage. The OP has spent 7 years of her life with him - and from what must have been a pretty young age. If he is mistrustful of the institution of marriage, and has remained so even after 7 years of a stable relationship - then they've clearly reached an impasse. But he hasn't given her a reason beyond "I'm happy as we are".

 

She wants children, and she wants to have them within the context of a committed relationship - which she sees marriage as being a symbol of. If he doesn't want children, and he doesn't like the concept of marriage then that is his right of course. But if they remain divided over such crucial issues after 7 years of a relationship..well, nobody can say she hasn't tried to give him the kind of relationship he wanted.

 

Who knows what he's thinking, beyond the obvious point that he hasn't proposed to her because he doesn't want to propose to her? If he views marriage in the way that you do, then that would suggest a lack of trust. If there isn't sufficient trust now, it's not going to build up over another 7 years. More likely there will just be a build up of resentment because the OP is putting her dreams of marriage and children aside for somebody who feels that so long as he's happy as he is, there shouldn't be a problem.

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It just sounds like he doesn't want to marry your or have kids. That should be enough for you to figure out what you gotta do and make a stand for yourself.

 

He goes back and forth from saying that we will get married someday to we should just enjoy how it is and be together. He doesn't know if he will be a great dad so he is apprehensive, but he is a great guy and I think he would be. He's just wishy washy on these issues so it's really not very clear.

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Thank you so much, just reading that it is ok and normal for me to have these desires made me cry. I feel like so many people just think that marriage is just a piece of paper that doesn't matter and because so many people can't make it work, that I am wrong for wanting to try, and that has made me so depressed.

 

Hugs. Of course it's normal to want these things. Look how much controversy and discussion the issue of gay marriage has resulted in. If marriage were just a piece of paper that doesn't matter...why would there ever have been so much prolonged debate over the issue of gay marriage?

 

I just don't know how to leave someone that I love so much and invested so much time and energy into, especially when he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me forever too. He goes back and forth between telling me that we will probably get married someday to why can't we just stay the way we are. He also is unsure if he will make a great dad, but I think he will (his father wasn't there for him so I think that's an issue). I just don't know what to do.

 

What about taking it to relationship counselling? Obviously find a very good, accredited relationship counsellor who's going to maintain an independent and thoughtful stance.

 

From what you're saying, this would very likely be an issue for him regardless of who he was with - rather than being a reflection on you as a partner. You're not being petty or foolish in wanting to have children in the context of marriage. You've maintained this relationship for 7 years - which is good evidence of you being somebody who stays the distance. It sounds as though you are what most people would consider to be somebody who'd be a very good wife and mother.

 

An ex boyfriend once told me "I'm very hostile to ultimatums". Of course. Most people are. There's such a sense of "my way or the highway" about them. However, you can spend years on a partner's chosen highway, and then suddenly find yourself with an awareness that just staying on that same route isn't going to take you where you want to go. And that's often the point at which, as hard as it feels, and as difficult it is (for all the practical reasons you've mentioned) the two of you have to respect that you don't share the same goals...and go your separate ways.

 

Perhaps the difference between the two of you is that you have a pretty clear idea of what you want, whereas he just seems to be coasting along. Perhaps, faced with a crossroads, he will decide that being with you is more important than anything. My brother was ambivalent about marriage and kids. He just coasted along really - whereas his now wife was far more certain that she wanted these things. To a certain extent he fell in with his plans, and he is now pretty much the definition of a happily married man.

 

So, you know...sometimes you do get those situations where a woman will exert some pressure and it will work out well. But I would suggest that it's got to that time where you must make it clear that you've reached a crossroads. He needs to consider whether the road he's happy to coast along is one he'd continue to be happy coasting along if he had to do so without you by his side. And whatever people say about ultimatums, lilacsparkle....sometimes you just have to deliver them in order to start the next chapter of your life.

Edited by Taramere
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ManyDissapoint
I don't really pay attention to horror stories of marriage, that happened to those people, not me and I would hope that doesn't influence him. His business is going well now but for a while it was really rough and I stayed by his side the whole time even though he was an ass a lot of the time. I am the last person to ever try to take money from someone or screw them over if we got a divorce, which I don't see happening. He knows me and my whole family and friends and has seen my lifetime track record of always being loyal and loving and never screwing anyone over. I want to be married once. Not for religious reasons or money reasons, but because it's my desire for my future. Maybe I'm just silly for still holding out on my fairy tale dreams, but it's what I want. I am not a very traditional person in most ways in my life, but in some I am, including marriage. I realize that modern society has completely screwed with the notion of marriage, but for me, it's still beautiful. The idea of finding one person who you love and are dedicated to working on things with, who loves you and is dedicated to working on things with you, who wants to raise amazing babies who turn into a great contribution to society, that is just so wonderful. We have already been through a lot together and still remain in love and I get that we are "kind of" married, but I feel like western culture has thrown out so many beautiful traditions that mark life and I think that is sad. A wedding is a ceremony to say what you are dedicated to, and the marriage is living out those words, walking your talk. I don't want a common law marriage. I enjoy the romance and tradition of marriage. It also helps when you have children and you all have the same last name and if anything happens medically you are all family and there aren't any weird legal issues. I don't want a perfect marriage because I know that isn't possible. I don't mind the work and the struggle I will go through to stay with someone and be bound to them for life. Marriage can be wonderful and I won't be swayed by the mistakes of the majority of society.

 

Well you sound like marriage material to me if any woman ever was. And after being with someone for 7 years I believe the man must know you very well and trust you. I think you expressed your feelings very well here. What do you think would happen if you told your SO about how important it is to you, and the reasons why (as you wrote above). He may just understand the 'urgency' you feel about the whole thing. See how he feels, and I think it's fair to let him know that you can't wait around forever.

 

He may pay more attention to the horror stories than you do for whatever reason. My parents don't have a loving marriage and I have a fear that marriage kills love for example. I think you guys both need to try to understand each others', position, because you both sound like good catches for each other.

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I am so frustrated.... I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years, living together for almost 6 years and he still hasn't proposed to me. I have had several conversations with him about how important it is to me to be married and how I want a long term monogamous relationship with someone who I love and loves me, and marriage is a symbol of that. I am in my late twenties and he is just over 40, but he is young at heart and I am quite mature for my age so it would seem that we are ready. I also want children at some point before I can't have them anymore, but he also seems resistant to that. I am getting really impatient. Every time we talk about it he says he loves me and why am I not just happy with the way things are, and I tell him I am, but there is a part of me that needs more to feel comfortable. He wants us to move to a different state to buy a new house and settle down there but I told him I don't want to do that unless we are at least engaged because that is a big step leaving everyone and everything (besides him) behind. We also have several pets together that feel like children, and I can't just leave him because we completely share lives together. I'm just so confused. I feel like I am a really good girlfriend, have always been faithful and supportive, loving, giving, our sex life is great and he seems satisfied with everything, so I don't understand why he wont propose. He says he just has so much going on with work etc so he doesn't feel like its the right time, but that he wants to be with me forever...Excuses excuses. I just have this weird feeling that there is some other reason. I don't think he is cheating but I have worried about that too. Maybe I am just overthinking things, but I have just always wanted to be proposed to and marry someone who is overjoyed to be with me and really wants to marry me. Part of me feels like I am wasting my life with him because I am just settling. I don't know if I can be any more direct and honest with him. Am I just waisting my time? What is wrong with me?

 

Not saying this is your situation, but when I had the opportunity to get married to someone and we were living together and he wanted to, I didn't want to because to me, he wasn't husband material. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with an idiot. I knew one day I would eventually leave that relationship and I did with no regrets. Not saying your man feels this way, but that was my reasoning. I was comfortable at the time and did not see the relationship going any further.

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There is nothing wrong with you but you are wasting your time. He hasn't proposed because he doesn't want to be married He says "someday" to buy himself some more time & keep you dangling on a string.

 

 

I was with an EX for 11 years. We lived together for 10. In the beginning I didn't care about marriage but when I started to, it tore a little piece of my heart & soul every day when he didn't propose. It took me years to get up the courage to walk away because I kept wanting to believe that he'd come around. When I finally pulled the plug it took us about 5 months to untangle our lives. It was very scary for me. I had never dated as an adult outside of academia. I met him in grad school. He accused me of wanting a wedding not a commitment to him, which he claimed we already had & that marriage was just a piece of paper.

 

 

Years later I met & married DH. Marriage is not just a piece of paper & I wouldn't trade DH for the world but some days I resent that I gave my child bearing years to a guy who didn't want them & by the time DH & I were settled it was too late.

 

 

Don't be me.

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Why won't he propose? Because he has no reason to do so. You have lived together happily all these years, why change it?

 

You're already living together so what you need is a discussion on a way forward, not a proposal, telling him you want to get married and have children.

 

From what I read, he is never going to want to get married. Be prepared to end things and start over, this time, keeping your own needs forefront.

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Is his parents divorced? I find this plays a huge factor. Even though he will say "what my parents do has nothing to do with me". I call bs on it.

 

Yeah listen to Donnivain, she is a wise woman.

 

Our expiry date to have children is 34. Fyi

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As a happily unmarried woman, there is nothing unreasonable about your desire for marriage and children. He clearly doesn't want those things for himself; neither of you are wrong for having disparate feelings, but there's no good way to continue in a relationship when you have such different expectations of your lives. After seven years, you should be living the life that you want, not waiting in the wings for "someday".

 

It's not easy to move on emotionally from someone that's been a significant part of your life but imagine yourself in this situation 7 years from now, even more unhappy and frustrated, watching life go by while you stay with a man who is unwilling to become a husband or father. Give yourself an internal deadline to initiate the changes you need to in order to have the life that you want - in the meantime, get your finances in order, start looking for a new place to live, get out more with your family and friends, donate or throw away those possessions that you've been procrastinating about. The smaller changes can help you process and adapt to the larger ones to come - change can be scary initially but it also can improve your life.

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you have to love yourself first. you can be in love with someone and still walk away if they cannot offer what you need for your own goals and fulfillment. that's probably the healthiest, strongest, and best decision you can make. after this length of time he has zero incentive to ever marry you, and if he hasn't even proposed.. what if he does? another 6 years of an engagement? no one is worth that amount of time. when you finally do leave the relationship and find someone with shared goals, you'll only regret that you wasted so much time waiting on this guy.

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He's got a good relationship with you that works. Why risk ruining it with marriage? You may want the symbol, but you've already got the reality, haven't you? If you want more security and stability, you can make up wills, power of attorney, make each other beneficiary of accounts, and similar legal documents to provide almost all the protections and rights of marriage - just without the dirty deed.

 

If he won't go for that or it's not enough for you, it's time to move out and move on - you won't get what you want from him.

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ManyDissapoint

I find that many people are quick to jump into other peoples' psychology on this forum, and to suggest drastic action. I recommend making sure your needs and desires for marriage are 100% transparent to your husband, and as another poster said explain that you are at an important crossroads where you have to make decisions. This is how you establish your boundary.

 

Then it is up to you to enforce your boundary whatever that means. Which if he cannot support you in that, would mean walking away from things.

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You're free to walk away if your needs aren't being met. I don't see how someone that wants kids and marriage while someone else that wants a forever childfree relationship can ever compromise. There is no middle to that, both have total different life goals.

 

Also, I think if the OP has to remind him of it and it feels like pulling hairs to get a guy to commit to you and propose, it's really not worth her time. Why does a woman even have to remind a guy about it? It's clearly he doesn't want it. I'm positive sure most men know exactly what their gfs want after a couple years and are playing dumb.

 

OP, if he were to suddenly propose it would probably just be because you had to insist on wanting marriage and kids but you'll live with the fact that he wouldn't have ever done it on his own free will.

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Am I just waisting my time? Yes What is wrong with me? Your wasting your time and thinking he will do it because you want him to...

 

The reason he isn't proposing is that he doesn't want to. It is that simple.

 

He has a hot young girl and has to do sod all to keep her.

 

Leave. Don't waste any more of your time.

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