Close friend making it awkward

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm not sure how to handle this, so I've come seeking advice. I have a close friend that I have known for years, when our kids started attending the same school. She is going through a divorce, and I'm divorced as well. We became closer when her ex-husband cheated on her and her marriage unraveled. We talk a lot about our experiences dating men, and I have always made it clear that I am heterosexual.

 

Lately, when she has been drinking or smoking pot (she likes to do both) she gets very flirtatious and weirdly sexual with me. She gets highly sexual, in general, when she's high or drunk. Talks constantly about it in a juvenile and crass way, frankly. I'm no prude, trust, but she's kind of out of control. She behaves toward me like one would toward a sexual partner, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Today we were at an out door concert and she kept touching me. It made me very uneasy and uncomfortable. She kept stroking the underside of my arm, saying that was one of her "g-spots". (I think she meant erogenous zone, but whatever.) She kept asking me if I liked it, and said, "come on, you have to admit it feels good." I felt like I was with some pushy, drunk guy who kept hitting on me even after telling him to stop.

 

Later we were with another group, and she was hanging on me, calling me pet names, and giving this impression that we are a couple. So awkward.

 

Don't get me wrong...I have no problem with homosexuality. I have officiated at the wedding of same-sex couples. It's not about that, it's about her lack of respect for my boundaries.

 

I've tried talking to her, and she laughs at me and doesn't take it seriously. It's making me not want to spend time with her. Any other thoughts of how to handle?

[Gloria25]

I think you've been clear that she is making you uncomfortable...

 

You can try a fade or be upfront with her and simply let her know that while you two shared a friendship for a period - that you two are growing apart.

 

Maybe you being frank with her will be the look in the mirror she needs to clean up her act.

 

I mean, pot smoking and drinking? Sounds like she's going down loser brick road.

 

I feel your pain though, I had to end a few friendships recently cuz they seriously were changing and I wasn't down with what they were going down with. Also, I put up with a lot of crap for a while. You sorta feel bad/guilty cuz of the good times you had with them and how they were there for you at certain times.

[Stage5Clinger]

If you are sexually attracted to her but just think she's being inappropriate in public, tell her. If you're not sexually attracted to her and are heterosexual, tell her.

 

I once had to tell a homosexual straight up, "I'm not gay." That worked really well.

[Grapesofwrath]

Stage5: it's the latter. I'm not sexually attracted to her, nor am I a lesbian. She knows I'm not gay...we've been friends for 7 years. She knows my ex-husband and, and has met men I've been dating. There is no confusion about that. I think she may be sexually inappropriate with a lot of people, not just me. Overly flirtatious, etc. I know she's going through a rough time right now, and don't want to hurt her more.

 

As Gloria suggests, I think I need to just talk to her about it, when she's not high. Not while she's doing it, but at a time when I'm calm.

[Popsicle]

If you've been friends for that long and value her friendship then I encourage you to let down as gently as possible. You want to maintain that friendship and I think that she's probably just going thru a rough time.

[Grapesofwrath]

Yes, Pops, I do want to maintain the friendship. And, honestly, i don't think this is about her being a closeted lesbian. I think she is just super needy and clingy...I've noticed that in her relationships with men. She doesn't have a man in her life right now, so when she gets inebriated and disinhibited, she inappropriately redirects that kind of energy on to me.

 

She lived at my house, with her kids, for about 6 months when she first separated from her husband. She needed a soft place to land for a bit while she got herself sorted out (her husband had an affair with someone she knew, and that hit her hard), and during that time there was none of this sort of thing.

[jen1447]

I wouldn't be quick to discount her potentially blossoming sexuality. If it's really her coming to understand that she loves women and not just a 'phase' or being driven to the other side bc of man failures (which is a typical and rarely true scapegoat), she'll need patience and understanding to get her bearings within that. Sometimes when ppl are unclear about where they're at in terms of identity they act out.

 

Another thing to consider is that most ppl don't press a certain thing hard w/out reason, so for some reason she's finding you receptive or suitable.

 

It's hard to be there for someone in one way while rejecting them in another, so you'll have to be careful. She sounds vulnerable to me.

[Stage5Clinger]

Stage5: it's the latter. I'm not sexually attracted to her, nor am I a lesbian. She knows I'm not gay...we've been friends for 7 years.

 

Sometimes "knowing someone is gay" is different than "knowing someone is gay". A lot of homosexual communities like to joke about how people "don't know they are gay yet" or that they have "turned someone". I still think it would be helpful to tell her you're straight when she is acting this way. I promise you that will make the behavior stop.

[MissBee]

I'm not sure how to handle this, so I've come seeking advice. I have a close friend that I have known for years, when our kids started attending the same school. She is going through a divorce, and I'm divorced as well. We became closer when her ex-husband cheated on her and her marriage unraveled. We talk a lot about our experiences dating men, and I have always made it clear that I am heterosexual.

 

Lately, when she has been drinking or smoking pot (she likes to do both) she gets very flirtatious and weirdly sexual with me. She gets highly sexual, in general, when she's high or drunk. Talks constantly about it in a juvenile and crass way, frankly. I'm no prude, trust, but she's kind of out of control. She behaves toward me like one would toward a sexual partner, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Today we were at an out door concert and she kept touching me. It made me very uneasy and uncomfortable. She kept stroking the underside of my arm, saying that was one of her "g-spots". (I think she meant erogenous zone, but whatever.) She kept asking me if I liked it, and said, "come on, you have to admit it feels good." I felt like I was with some pushy, drunk guy who kept hitting on me even after telling him to stop.

 

Later we were with another group, and she was hanging on me, calling me pet names, and giving this impression that we are a couple. So awkward.

 

Don't get me wrong...I have no problem with homosexuality. I have officiated at the wedding of same-sex couples. It's not about that, it's about her lack of respect for my boundaries.

 

I've tried talking to her, and she laughs at me and doesn't take it seriously. It's making me not want to spend time with her. Any other thoughts of how to handle?

 

How important is the friendship?

 

If she refuses to respect your boundaries I'd just pull away slowly and start getting busier. Some people are in our lives for a season and nothing is wrong if after a while you find that being friends is no longer worth it or feasible.

 

Aside from that, if you feel the friendship is valuable to you, then you just need to have a frank discussion with her when she's sober about this and see if she respects it this time. If she still doesn't then I'd begin to wonder how much of a friend she really is.

[loverboy69]

Sometimes "knowing someone is gay" is different than "knowing someone is gay". A lot of homosexual communities like to joke about how people "don't know they are gay yet" or that they have "turned someone". I still think it would be helpful to tell her you're straight when she is acting this way. I promise you that will make the behavior stop.

 

How many "homosexual communities," do you frequent, that joke that way?

 

Yes there are immature gay men/women out there who think they can convert people to their team but I guarantee you they are the minority.

 

I'm gay but I respect the boundaries of my straight friends. Truth be told: I've had more "straight," friends hit on me then the other way around. I would never purposely hang, stroke or intimately touch a straight guy just to get some reaction.

[loverboy69]

Don't get me wrong...I have no problem with homosexuality. I have officiated at the wedding of same-sex couples. It's not about that, it's about her lack of respect for my boundaries.

 

I've tried talking to her, and she laughs at me and doesn't take it seriously. It's making me not want to spend time with her. Any other thoughts of how to handle?

 

 

Hi Grapes: Your friend is crossing the line and showing disrespect.

 

NOTE: Understand she isn't doing it out of malice. She feels uninhibited when intoxicated (as most of us do) and she feels free to act on her attraction. She may be getting some kind of vibe that you are receptive to her advances (which you are clearly not) and she keeps pushing the envelope.

 

You need to very stern but realize that your friendship may never be the same again. Just like a straight crush if one member of a friendship develops an attraction for the opposite sex but the other doesn't reciprocate then the friendship most likely will fade. You have to be okay with this.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks for that feedback Jen & Loverboy. While at first it had a whiff of blaming the victim, I thought it worth considering anyway.

 

I try, in my life, to be non-judgmental and accept others as they are. I live in a city that is notorious for its progressive, liberal values and that includes welcoming diverse sexuality. This is why I know I'm not a lesbian. If I had any inclinations in that direction, it would be very easy for me to act on them here, without repercussions or social stigma. It may be this general attitude that is coming across as "receptive." I'm not recoiling in horror or shrieking at her in disgust. I just move away from her and gently tell her I'm not interested in that. Perhaps this is not obvious enough.

 

As you have all stated, this is really an issue of boundaries. And there have been other times in the past where I have felt a lack of respect for my boundaries from her. This situation, though, is much more awkward as it is something I never imagined having to address with this person.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think she's just being clingy. Sounds like she really wants to have sex with you. You need to be more firm with her, just as if it was a guy friend. Draw your boundaries... no one should feel sexually preyed upon.