Gf’s past has made me question my own actions

[DarkMatter]

Hi, I have a dilemma that I have no idea how to address. This is going to end up long so apologies in advance but there is no other way. This could have gone in any number of sections but it felt too much for just a normal bf/gf question so I thought I would start here. Please move it if it is inappropriate.

 

I have been with my gf for just under a year. We met in one of those “movie scene” moments when I saw her across the room at a party. It truly was love at first sight and luckily for me she felt the same. We have barely spent a day apart since. Everything about the relationship is perfect (almost too good to be true perfect). Her parents like me, mine adore her, all our friends get along and most importantly the two of us were just made for each other it seems.

 

So about a month ago we were going camping with her best friend and her bf. Her bf pulled out at the last moment so it was just us three. Not long after we got there and set up my gf gets a call and to make a long story short must go back home because she forgot about a work shift for the next day. I know that seems lame but there’s a big back story to that and after she couldn’t organize a replacement she had to go. So I started packing everything up and that’s when we got in our first ever fight. She was adamant that I stay along with her best friend and that she would be back the next day, I didn’t want anything to do with that. She won (as women generally do ).

 

Now before you think her and I ended up bumping uglies no we did not. I would never cheat on my gf. But we did have some deep and meaningful conversations around the fire that night and what she told me has rocked me. Firstly she swore me to secrecy because she was going to break my gf’s confidence and tell me something. How could I refuse that? What she told me has left me questioning my own actions as well as my gf’s.

 

Basically my gf had previously been in a 3 year long sexually abusive relationship that ended 3 years ago. Since then she has been single and been seeing a counselor and I am her first relationship since. Now honestly I have had no idea about this, she is very confident in the bedroom, she often suggests things that I would normally leave until much later on in a relationship and she has yet to say no to anything I have suggested. You might think “lucky man” and I thought so too but now knowing what I know I am worried. I would consider myself a leader in the bedroom, maybe even bordering on aggressive. But I don’t mean I take what I want, I mean aggressive in a totally consensual way. Even so it has me wondering whether I am leading her (unintentionally) into areas that might not be good for her.

 

I look back now and I am questioning all of what we have done. Would I have handled that differently, would I have asked her to do that, would I have said no when she asked etc. If I may give one example; the first time we tried anal sex which was very early on in our relationship it sort of happening by accident when I ended up near there due to bad positioning. She told me it was ok if I wanted but she sounded a little hesitant so I never continued. Afterwards she offered it to me again next time and later that night we did. On the surface that seems like a perfectly normal and consensual situation but I am worried that she was saying yes not because she wanted to 100% but because she thought that is what this dominant man I am with wants. I don’t want her to feel that way.

 

Clearly we need to have a conversation about everything and that is what has lead me here. The first problem I have is that I technically don’t know about any of this so it is going to make it hard to raise the issue and open a dialogue. The second problem is that I have no idea what I am dealing with. Opening the conversation is one thing but what comes next I have no idea so I am trying to arm myself with as much information as I can, hence why I am here.

 

I am looking for anyone’s experiences either directly or indirectly in dealing with this sort of thing. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about things please do not reply because I would hate to ask questions that offend or drag up bad memories.

 

The things I want to know and this is by no means an exhaustive list are;

When she says “yes” how do I know she is not falling into old habits?

How do I know how far I can push before I am bringing up bad memories for her?

If she says everything is good how do I know it is and she’s not just being compliant?

When she says do X, Y or Z how can I trust that she wants it for herself not just wants it because she thinks that’s what I want?

How do I know she has “healed” (if you ever truly do) and that we are open to explore freely?

 

Sorry some of these sound a little dark but they are relevant to the situation she was in with her ex. I don’t really want to go into detail about that.

 

Should I break her best friends trust and tell my gf that is how I found out. My loyalty lays with my gf not her best friend. I don’t want to but if not how do I raise the issue?

 

Thanks for taking the time.

[PinkInTheLimo]

First of all, what a horrible false snake that "friend" of your girlfriend is! She went totally out of line breaking your girlfriend's trust like that. It would be bad in any case but this is about the sexual past of your girlfriend and she breaks it to her friend's boyfriend no less.

 

And I think that she knew very well that this would be confusing, and that you would start to question the sex life you and your girlfriend have. It's a really rotten thing to do. Maybe your girlfriend would at some point have opened up about this abusive relationship, maybe not. But it should be her call and not the call of that friend of hers.

 

I think the only thing you can do now is tell your girlfriend what her friend has told you. If only to verify if that friend did not make something up (she sounds like she's capable of that).

And then take it from there. Express whatever questions you have to your girlfriend. Maybe she won't be ready to talk about this, then reassure you that you give her that space.

Concerning your sex life, she might have a tendency to prefer a dominant partner in the bedroom, and got as such trapped in a relationship where that became an unhealthy thing. What is important that your sex life happens in a context of mutual respect and open communication.

[d0nnivain]

If your GF waited 3 years before venturing into another relationship before she started dating you and is under the care of a medical professional, why not give her and her doctor the benefit of the doubt that they both know what they are doing. Together she may become stronger, especially if she is initiating things.

 

 

Pretend the friend lied to you. Don't assume the friend knows more about your GF's mental health then your GF & her doctor do.

 

 

However, I do think you need to throw the false friend under the bus for breaking a confidence. Sit your GF down. Tell her what the "friend" revealed. Assure her that you love her but ask her if anything you two have done makes her uncomfortable. Make sure she knows that you love her for her not only the sexual things you two do. Do something romantic for her, like send flowers, before you talk to her & perhaps write a few love notes afterwards. Try very hard not to treat her any differently then you did before you knew about her past.

[loveflower]

That's a rotten friend...and best friend? I am losing faith in friendship as well.

[RedRobin]

What I would do is eliminate this 'friend' from any further get togethers with you and your GF.

 

For now, keep this to yourself and give yourself time to process... After there is some distance from this snake... Then and only then would I have a conversation with my SO.

 

Only because this 'friend' sounds like she is stirring up trouble and to act on it immediately is only playing into the hands of such snakes. Cut them out of your life first, is my recommendation... Then your GF can see first hand that you don't view her as different or bad...

 

and the snake is gone.

[Stage5Clinger]

Haha, dude chill out! You aren't the guy who abused her 3 years ago. Don't let this ruin your sex life. I have dated way too many women who have been raped unfortunately. The mistake I made was becoming her dad and being overly protective of her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi, I have a dilemma that I have no idea how to address. ..... I would never cheat on my gf. But we did have some deep and meaningful conversations... Firstly she swore me to secrecy because she was going to break my gf’s confidence and tell me something. How could I refuse that? What she told me has left me questioning my own actions as well as my gf’s.

 

.....

Should I break her best friends trust and tell my gf that is how I found out. My loyalty lays with my gf not her best friend. I don’t want to but if not how do I raise the issue?

 

Thanks for taking the time.

 

Well, I'm sorry, but you're a bit of a damn snake too...

"How could I refuse that?"

 

You refuse it by saying,

 

"If you're supposed to be my GF's best friend, and you're about to reveal a confidence, I don't think much of your loyalty or friendship. I'm not interested in anything you have to tell me. If my GF has something she needs to reveal to me, I'm sure she will in her own time.

 

I'm turning in. Goodnight."

 

And I'd have left her by that big open fire, all on her lonesome...

 

I love that you're asking if you should break her best friend's trust... what, like she didn't do that already?? Where the hell is your sense of principles?!

 

Trust me, your GF is big enough and bold enough to do what she wants in the bedroom.

You encroach any boundaries and the way things are with her and her therapy, I have a feeling she would let you know.

 

FRankly, if I were she, and I got wind of this - I'd dump the both of you.

[RedRobin]

Well, I'm sorry, but you're a bit of a damn snake too...

"How could I refuse that?"

 

You refuse it by saying,

 

"If you're supposed to be my GF's best friend, and you're about to reveal a confidence, I don't think much of your loyalty or friendship. I'm not interested in anything you have to tell me. If my GF has something she needs to reveal to me, I'm sure she will in her own time.

 

I'm turning in. Goodnight."

 

And I'd have left her by that big open fire, all on her lonesome...

 

I love that you're asking if you should break her best friend's trust... what, like she didn't do that already?? Where the hell is your sense of principles?!

 

Trust me, your GF is big enough and bold enough to do what she wants in the bedroom.

You encroach any boundaries and the way things are with her and her therapy, I have a feeling she would let you know.

 

FRankly, if I were she, and I got wind of this - I'd dump the both of you.

 

Exactly right. His signing up to listen to it constitutes a betrayal. Perhaps he should be apologizing to his GF for agreeing to listen, then leave it at that.

 

It didn't occur to me that he was asking if he should break the so called friends trust... That's a given. Her friend isn't trustworthy, and agreeing to anything only makes him an accomplice in her friends betrayal.

 

That said, I have let people hang themselves with their own rope just to see what they would do.

[DarkMatter]

Exactly right. His signing up to listen to it constitutes a betrayal. Perhaps he should be apologizing to his GF for agreeing to listen, then leave it at that.

 

This isn't directed specifically to you RedRobin, I have just quoted you as you were the last post.

 

When I agreed to hear the secret I never had an inkling it was something so huge. I thought it would be some mundane gossip about something she had done in her past that most likely I would have already known about. Of course I was wrong.

 

But in any case the whole conversation was much more than her friend just blabbing about my gf's past. I got the impression that it was a protective thing and I was being told to be careful because she didn't want her best friend hurt.

 

Of course trust was still broken and there is no way around that but I don't think it was done for nefarious reasons. I truly do think it was done with the best of intentions. Of course, as was suggested, I could have said I didn't want to hear it but I think that's a bit harsh. I don't think many people would so no in that situation. I will wear some blame for it but suggesting my GF dump me because of it is a massive overreaction IMHO.

 

It didn't occur to me that he was asking if he should break the so called friends trust... That's a given. Her friend isn't trustworthy, and agreeing to anything only makes him an accomplice in her friends betrayal.

 

I think maybe this was misunderstood. I always had every intention of telling my GF. What I was asking was whether I should use that as a way to open the door and start the conversation. I thought that was a bit of a harsh way to do it and was looking for a gentler way in.

[DarkMatter]

Haha, dude chill out! You aren't the guy who abused her 3 years ago. Don't let this ruin your sex life. I have dated way too many women who have been raped unfortunately. The mistake I made was becoming her dad and being overly protective of her.

 

Sorry but I believe there's a big difference with wanting to be in tune with my GF's want and desires and letting it ruin my sex life. I don't see a problem with wanting to be sure that I am not pushing things a little too fast or too far. But as was suggested my GF is probably strong enough to let me know when/if I overstepped any boundaries.

[TaraMaiden2]

If someone tells me something in the strictest confidence, it goes no further.

 

I was once asked to divulge something a third party KNEW I was aware of and had access to...

 

I asked her, "Can you keep a secret?"

 

She nodded enthusiastically,

 

"I replied - "Good. So can I."

 

Someone can offer to tell me something secret, but I will always stop them, by asking "what would <name of person involved> say if s/he knew you wanted to tell me this?"

 

That generally stops them in their tracks.

 

Then you go to your GF and say, "Your best friend had an opportunity to tell me a big secret about you, but we chose not to continue the discussion. Is there something you'd like to share with me? I don't mind if you don't, just know that I'm available if you want to talk anything over with me."

 

I guess hindsight is 20/20 vision.

The next time anyone offers to tell you something secretive (it's a dead give-away - even with nobody for miles around, to overhear, within earshot, they still lower their voices and look conspiratorial) decline the offer.