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what was the worst thing your WS did or said to you during his or hers affair? many WSs become incredibly cruel to their BSs so i was wondering - what was the moment that really left you shocked and speechless & wondering "who is this person?!"?

 

for those of you who are reconciled or going through the reconciliation - did your spouse offer explanation or expressed remorse about those cruel moments?

 

(i'm talking about those moments where you really feel like you're stuck with a lobotomized version of your spouse, they're incredibly angry & vicious to you but at the same time - your every attempt at conversation just gets shot down & you feel like you're in some kind of dark hole.)

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Mrs. John Adams

I have a whole list of things i said to john ...a few years ago he comprised this list and sent it to me.

 

I have it saved on my computer.

 

Every now and then...i reread it...and when i do it literally brings me to my knees. I was insensitive and cruel....and i cannot believe those things came from my mouth....but sadly...they did.

 

It would not benefit anyone to read them....it would only prove how low a person can become and the damage it can do.

 

How can you take away the things you said? How can you undo the things you have done?

 

To be forgiven by the same man i said these things to...is humbling....i will never forget....and neither will he.

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what was the worst thing your WS did or said to you during his or hers affair? many WSs become incredibly cruel to their BSs so i was wondering - what was the moment that really left you shocked and speechless & wondering "who is this person?!"?

 

for those of you who are reconciled or going through the reconciliation - did your spouse offer explanation or expressed remorse about those cruel moments?

 

(i'm talking about those moments where you really feel like you're stuck with a lobotomized version of your spouse, they're incredibly angry & vicious to you but at the same time - your every attempt at conversation just gets shot down & you feel like you're in some kind of dark hole.)

 

Hi minimariah

 

Harking back to those years, yep about 5, maybe 8 years, I can honestly say WH turned into a monster. He said crazy, odd things almost all the time. When it broke me, I would cry and say things like "do you hate me? Don't you love me any more? " I really did want truthful answers to those questions. I did!

But at times he would hug me and say he did. He seldom apologized but he reeled me back in only to start up again. This I know now is called "the dance of the Narcissist". It's a cruel set of behaviours. Very damaging.

 

After D Day Number 1 (one affair. The last one that broke open the rotten egg) WH turned into an OGRE. That's what I call him during the horrible 3-6 months after that D Day. "You were a monster to live with, now you're an ogre!". Vile filth came out of his mouth. Horrible untruths. I often cried and said "you horrible person, what on earth have you done with my husband???? You've EATEN him alive haven't you??". Yes. It had. We suspect Dissociative Personality Disorder (multiple personalities). First suggested by a Dr who's known and treated us both for all that time. Never crossed my mind. M fog. R fog. !!

 

Then a smoother R of types. He did become more like the idea of the man I married. The man I loved. But I felt very uneasy. I knew there was more. My dreams became worse not better. I was barely triggering in day light hours but my sleep was filled with many many women and him.

 

The threat of a lie detector test brought out all the others 22 days ago. Not a 3 month affair. 5 years of multiple As. Tie in the porn addiction (hidden from me) for 2-3 years previously and that's about 8 years.

 

WH started meds just before he disclosed the others. He had no intention of telling me...ever. The ogre returned at moments but went within minutes. WH is more settled now than ever before. It's eerie. WH feels better that his conscience is clear. He feels totally ready for R now! Wtf. Now I know the truth. I'm ready to D!

 

A few things pique my anger that WH did / said during that time which P*** me off big time. It's more laughable now but here we go

"Why did you leave the f***ing HOSE out again? ?? I've TOLD YOU....." but I was gardening. Sorry. I'll reel it in. "OGRE speak" I was WORKING IN THE GARDEN I needed to pick up the kids and take them to..."ogre louder"

 

Oh and now YOU WERE yelling at ME about the HOSE??? What about keeping YOUR hose in its place!

 

Etc.

 

A purple railing I painted. Etc.

 

Ogre etc.

 

Lion Heart.

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WS is the husband/wife who strays right?

 

The WORST thing this jerk did to me is toy with my feelings...

 

I mean, real OWs at least get time, sex, even a one minute convo with the WS. Oh, but not me.

 

I get endless stares, mirroring, gestures and nada. Then, in a few days of him doing whatever to get my attention - he's doing selfies online with his wife...is that cruel or not? How can you do stuff to get my attention and two days later turn around and make grand gestures to your wife? Is this a game for you? Is this some sick form of gas lighting?

 

Oh, and another cruel thing to do? To find out like what my fav perfume is, go buy it for her, then post it on social media. Again, what guy does that!!!????!!!!

 

Oh, when he found out I like PDA? WHAT did he do? Not PDA to/with me...PDA WITH HER and FOR ME TO SEE!!!! Again, who the heck does that?!?

 

So, I'm beneath a OW. I'm like poop on his feet. At least a real OW gets free sex out of her sacrificing being the 3rd wheel. I get NOTHING. Yet, somehow, he wants to get his panties in a tizzy if he dare thinks I'm out seeing someone else. REally? Oh, so I'm supposed to stay home and not get any while you lay up with her? Isn't that cruel or what?

 

Don't let me start with the online games either. It is cruel to post stuff here and/or on other websites to mess with my head. It's cruel to catfish. It's cruel to post about how you don't show your real feelings for someone you're really into. REally? REally? Ok, but you're ok with endless selfies with her...so, I guess you can do selfies with her cuz she means nothing to you? Gimmie a break. Am I supposed to be that stupid? So, I'm supposed to be content alone while you're getting sex, selfies, companionship cuz the fact that you do not do this with me means you are MORE into me? Now, that's a cruel game to play on someone.

 

Oh, and how did/does he treat the BS? LIKE A QUEEN....She reaps all the benefits of "him" and/or what he learns about me. LIke buying stuff for her he knows I'd like and/or already have. Him doing renovations to "their" home. Him learning about PDA, sex, and what not. Oh yea, she's probably oblivious to all of this cuz again, this whole year of me being the OW poop under his shoe? She gets even put on a higher pedestal. Yes, this is an actual case where the OW actually strenghened and improved a marriage. Ripley's Believe it or NOT!!! Oh, and the kicker? She is just sitting on her butt and reaping these benefits...by default. So, shoot, I need to get married so I can just sit on my butt and be lazy and my husband just shower me with this or that cuz I have a pretty face (don't let me get started on her body) and am married to him.

 

So, Gloria25 wins the game of cruel treatment from a WS. Can I come and collect my prize already? I want my prize now, at least I'll be "something" I've gotten out of this year of putting my life on hold when I haven't even been kissed - much less kept a 1 min convo with the WS.

 

BTW, I have gotten NO explanation from this guy as to why he does this cruel stuff. Maybe, just maybe if he'd sit down and talk to me I'd get an explanation. Maybe it would calm me down. Maybe I could understand a bit better. But NOOOO....all I get is catfishing online where I gotta try and decipher if he's trying to express something to me. Oh, but today he was clear, he is doing all of this to "keep me on my toes". Oh, keep me on my toes for what? Last time I looked, his marriage is freakin' solid. So, why do I need to be on my toes for a taken man? Pleeeze

Edited by Gloria25
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purplesorrow

Gloria25, just why? Why endure this from someone? What does he do that keeps you hanging on for more. Your hurt seems fresh. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

Your anger at his wife is so misdirected. She didn't subject you to any of this, he did. You accepted. Why be mad at her. Please don't believe you improved his marriage. The only people who can work on and improve a marriage are the two in it.

Edited by purplesorrow
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Mrs. John Adams
WS is the husband/wife who strays right?

 

The WORST thing this jerk did to me is toy with my feelings...

 

I mean, real OWs at least get time, sex, even a one minute convo with the WS. Oh, but not me.

 

I get endless stares, mirroring, gestures and nada. Then, in a few days of him doing whatever to get my attention - he's doing selfies online with his wife...is that cruel or not? How can you do stuff to get my attention and two days later turn around and make grand gestures to your wife? Is this a game for you? Is this some sick form of gas lighting?

 

Oh, and another cruel thing to do? To find out like what my fav perfume is, go buy it for her, then post it on social media. Again, what guy does that!!!????!!!!

 

Oh, when he found out I like PDA? WHAT did he do? Not PDA to/with me...PDA WITH HER and FOR ME TO SEE!!!! Again, who the heck does that?!?

 

So, I'm beneath a OW. I'm like poop on his feet. At least a real OW gets free sex out of her sacrificing being the 3rd wheel. I get NOTHING. Yet, somehow, he wants to get his panties in a tizzy if he dare thinks I'm out seeing someone else. REally? Oh, so I'm supposed to stay home and not get any while you lay up with her? Isn't that cruel or what?

 

Don't let me start with the online games either. It is cruel to post stuff here and/or on other websites to mess with my head. It's cruel to catfish. It's cruel to post about how you don't show your real feelings for someone you're really into. REally? REally? Ok, but you're ok with endless selfies with her...so, I guess you can do selfies with her cuz she means nothing to you? Gimmie a break. Am I supposed to be that stupid? So, I'm supposed to be content alone while you're getting sex, selfies, companionship cuz the fact that you do not do this with me means you are MORE into me? Now, that's a cruel game to play on someone.

 

Oh, and how did/does he treat the BS? LIKE A QUEEN....She reaps all the benefits of "him" and/or what he learns about me. LIke buying stuff for her he knows I'd like and/or already have. Him doing renovations to "their" home. Him learning about PDA, sex, and what not. Oh yea, she's probably oblivious to all of this cuz again, this whole year of me being the OW poop under his shoe? She gets even put on a higher pedestal. Yes, this is an actual case where the OW actually strenghened and improved a marriage. Ripley's Believe it or NOT!!! Oh, and the kicker? She is just sitting on her butt and reaping these benefits...by default. So, shoot, I need to get married so I can just sit on my butt and be lazy and my husband just shower me with this or that cuz I have a pretty face (don't let me get started on her body) and am married to him.

 

So, Gloria25 wins the game of cruel treatment from a WS. Can I come and collect my prize already? I want my prize now, at least I'll be "something" I've gotten out of this year of putting my life on hold when I haven't even been kissed - much less kept a 1 min convo with the WS.

 

BTW, I have gotten NO explanation from this guy as to why he does this cruel stuff. Maybe, just maybe if he'd sit down and talk to me I'd get an explanation. Maybe it would calm me down. Maybe I could understand a bit better. But NOOOO....all I get is catfishing online where I gotta try and decipher if he's trying to express something to me. Oh, but today he was clear, he is doing all of this to "keep me on my toes". Oh, keep me on my toes for what? Last time I looked, his marriage is freakin' solid. So, why do I need to be on my toes for a taken man? Pleeeze

 

 

so I am trying to understand...you are the other woman...complaining because the husband treats his WIFE better than he is treating you?

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First, let me preface this by saying my pain pales in comparison to a spouse's. The man who cheated on me was a long term relationship, NOT a husband.

 

In my mind, the thing that was the most cruel was his being completely okay with just keeping me in oblivion. For MONTHS. I was going along, believing him, praying for him when he said this or that was difficult and that was why he couldn't see me this or that time. Making him this mushy birthday gift....and the whole time - the WHOLE time...he was dating someone else. I had to find out about it by accident on the internet. He knew the whole time I was doing all these things for him and being open and faithful and loving him 150%. I even asked him a few times toward the end if things were okay. I had sensed changes. He just reassured me and called me silly.

 

And then he disappeared.

 

Like I said, very miniscule in comparison to what some of you went through, but it was excruciating.

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gettingstronger

Worst thing- sharing details of our life that she has been able to use to harass us for going on 2.5 years now- he was "bragging" about our "great life" (why, who knows) and in the process told her about where our second home is located, the name of the college my son attends, the awards I have won which link back to professional social media sites, how we celebrate holidays,where we live, etc....

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This is so hard because having an affair is such a lowly , selfish act . I think one of the most horrible things that I was going to do ( I didn't , thank GOd) was going to name our child after the OM .

 

God! When will the guilt go away ?? When will I start feeling better and leave it in the past where it belongs ... Tears

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This is so hard because having an affair is such a lowly , selfish act . I think one of the most horrible things that I was going to do ( I didn't , thank GOd) was going to name our child after the OM .

 

God! When will the guilt go away ?? When will I start feeling better and leave it in the past where it belongs ... Tears

 

Wow, i'm assuming the child is your husbands and not the OM's? I'm glad you didn't. That would have been one of the most selfish and horrible things I've heard of. Things like that scare me, when children are brought/involved unknowingly into the act of betrayal. I'm happy for you, that you didn't go the far.

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WW used to fly out to affairville to visit "friends" - we had moved cross country because of my job. OM of course was the only "friend" she was seeing there.

 

I remember I'd try to call her during those times and WW would pretty much come unglued over the phone.. crazy stuff. Screaming at how I was trying to control her via a phone call.

 

Hers was a LTA so there was years of this going on. I thought it was menopause (she was late 30 / early 40 when her affair started). Not just the screaming, but all the gas lighting, and just crazy making ****. Close calls where I almost caught them in the act.. and thought 'huh... that's weird' - but I trusted her.

 

I try not to dwell on specific things she did and said during her affair. In the long run the things that stick with me is all the lies, and how my trust in her was betrayed, because by trusting her I betrayed myself.

 

That's all over now.

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This is so hard because having an affair is such a lowly , selfish act . I think one of the most horrible things that I was going to do ( I didn't , thank GOd) was going to name our child after the OM .

 

God! When will the guilt go away ?? When will I start feeling better and leave it in the past where it belongs ... Tears

 

 

What stopped you? And how did you know who the father was?

 

 

I see how you have regret. Time will help this pass.

Edited by road
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The baby was born two years after the only time I was intimate with OM and we had safe sex . So I know for sure .

 

What stopped me ? Guilt, knowing I'd done something terribly wrong and regretting it . Trying to make amends .

 

I just want to be at a place where I feel whole again , like I used to , with my integrity and honesty.

Please pray for me .

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World's.Edge
WS is the husband/wife who strays right?

 

The WORST thing this jerk did to me is toy with my feelings...

 

I mean, real OWs at least get time, sex, even a one minute convo with the WS. Oh, but not me.

 

I get endless stares, mirroring, gestures and nada. Then, in a few days of him doing whatever to get my attention - he's doing selfies online with his wife...is that cruel or not? How can you do stuff to get my attention and two days later turn around and make grand gestures to your wife? Is this a game for you? Is this some sick form of gas lighting?

 

Oh, and another cruel thing to do? To find out like what my fav perfume is, go buy it for her, then post it on social media. Again, what guy does that!!!????!!!!

 

Oh, when he found out I like PDA? WHAT did he do? Not PDA to/with me...PDA WITH HER and FOR ME TO SEE!!!! Again, who the heck does that?!?

 

So, I'm beneath a OW. I'm like poop on his feet. At least a real OW gets free sex out of her sacrificing being the 3rd wheel. I get NOTHING. Yet, somehow, he wants to get his panties in a tizzy if he dare thinks I'm out seeing someone else. REally? Oh, so I'm supposed to stay home and not get any while you lay up with her? Isn't that cruel or what?

 

Don't let me start with the online games either. It is cruel to post stuff here and/or on other websites to mess with my head. It's cruel to catfish. It's cruel to post about how you don't show your real feelings for someone you're really into. REally? REally? Ok, but you're ok with endless selfies with her...so, I guess you can do selfies with her cuz she means nothing to you? Gimmie a break. Am I supposed to be that stupid? So, I'm supposed to be content alone while you're getting sex, selfies, companionship cuz the fact that you do not do this with me means you are MORE into me? Now, that's a cruel game to play on someone.

 

Oh, and how did/does he treat the BS? LIKE A QUEEN....She reaps all the benefits of "him" and/or what he learns about me. LIke buying stuff for her he knows I'd like and/or already have. Him doing renovations to "their" home. Him learning about PDA, sex, and what not. Oh yea, she's probably oblivious to all of this cuz again, this whole year of me being the OW poop under his shoe? She gets even put on a higher pedestal. Yes, this is an actual case where the OW actually strenghened and improved a marriage. Ripley's Believe it or NOT!!! Oh, and the kicker? She is just sitting on her butt and reaping these benefits...by default. So, shoot, I need to get married so I can just sit on my butt and be lazy and my husband just shower me with this or that cuz I have a pretty face (don't let me get started on her body) and am married to him.

 

So, Gloria25 wins the game of cruel treatment from a WS. Can I come and collect my prize already? I want my prize now, at least I'll be "something" I've gotten out of this year of putting my life on hold when I haven't even been kissed - much less kept a 1 min convo with the WS.

 

BTW, I have gotten NO explanation from this guy as to why he does this cruel stuff. Maybe, just maybe if he'd sit down and talk to me I'd get an explanation. Maybe it would calm me down. Maybe I could understand a bit better. But NOOOO....all I get is catfishing online where I gotta try and decipher if he's trying to express something to me. Oh, but today he was clear, he is doing all of this to "keep me on my toes". Oh, keep me on my toes for what? Last time I looked, his marriage is freakin' solid. So, why do I need to be on my toes for a taken man? Pleeeze

 

Wow, Gloria25 you are seriously messed up. Sleeping with someone's husband and being a mistress is not some glamorous, renowed position or title, it's horrible, and so is her unfaithful husband. You want an explanation as to why he treats you that way? He's an a**hole and you're dumb enough to get involved with a married man and let him treat you that way. You win no prize and in should be heavily penalized and reprimanded for your conduct and judgement.

 

Just forgetting the infidelity for a moment, him treating his wife like a queen is how a husband should treat his wife, and take care of their home and be affectionate.

 

Your anger towards that dude's wife is irrational and seriously misplaced. She didn't do anything to you, she probably isn't even aware of your existence. You did nothing to strengthen and improve their marriage because she is still married to an amoral, worthless, manipulative, deceptive a**hole. If I were you I would have let her know so that she would know who she was really married to and decide if she wanted to stay married or divorce him.

 

Seek therapy and learn to have a healthy attitude towards relationships and marriage, and respect for yourself.

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My husband did all the things I wanted to do with him with her instead. Vacations weren't important when we were together but he goes every weekend with her somewhere and 12 weeks a year with her. Her Instagram and her articles are filled with beautiful places he goes with her to. Thank God at least he isn't in the pictures because it hurts enough to know he's there. When we were married he always said we couldn't afford vacations. Now he goes to Japan and Hong Kong and Germany and England without a thought. With her and the kids. They are supposed to be going to Bora Bora with the kids in January. I don't know how I'll cope with that.

 

In the divorce he was generous but he did little things that hurt. I can't go visit his family or bring the kids to visit his family. He has to. My alimony is going to be cut off in 4 weeks and when I tried to talk about it, he blew me off. He is cold in how he deals with me and he was cold when he left. I begged him to stay but he just said over and over that what he had with her was true love and he couldn't stay. He left everything when he left me. He was just gone.

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Wow' date=' [b']Gloria25 [/b]you are seriously messed up. Sleeping with someone's husband and being a mistress is not some glamorous, renowed position or title, it's horrible, and so is her unfaithful husband. You want an explanation as to why he treats you that way? He's an a**hole and you're dumb enough to get involved with a married man and let him treat you that way. You win no prize and in should be heavily penalized and reprimanded for your conduct and judgement.

 

Just forgetting the infidelity for a moment, him treating his wife like a queen is how a husband should treat his wife, and take care of their home and be affectionate.

 

Your anger towards that dude's wife is irrational and seriously misplaced. She didn't do anything to you, she probably isn't even aware of your existence. You did nothing to strengthen and improve their marriage because she is still married to an amoral, worthless, manipulative, deceptive a**hole. If I were you I would have let her know so that she would know who she was really married to and decide if she wanted to stay married or divorce him.

 

Seek therapy and learn to have a healthy attitude towards relationships and marriage, and respect for yourself.

 

Gloria is not in an affair with this man. From what I have gathered from her other posts the man won't even talk to her. She watches everything he does and she has decided that his every action is somehow about her. For example she posts somewhere that she likes perfume and then this guy bought his wife perfume so Gloria is convinced that the guy wants her and is obsessed with her. Here she calls herself his OW, but at other times she calls him a stalker. I tend to think perhaps the guy isn't all that creative so maybe he is getting some of his ideas from her. I have yet to decide who is stalking who. I mean who calls themselves the OW to their stalker and gets upset that they can't get any special time with their stalker?

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World's.Edge
Gloria is not in an affair with this man. From what I have gathered from her other posts the man won't even talk to her. She watches everything he does and she has decided that his every action is somehow about her. For example she posts somewhere that she likes perfume and then this guy bought his wife perfume so Gloria is convinced that the guy wants her and is obsessed with her. Here she calls herself his OW, but at other times she calls him a stalker. I tend to think perhaps the guy isn't all that creative so maybe he is getting some of his ideas from her. I have yet to decide who is stalking who. I mean who calls themselves the OW to their stalker and gets upset that they can't get any special time with their stalker?

Uhm,.. wait, what? Yeah that's..:confused:.

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what was the worst thing your WS did or said to you during his or hers affair? many WSs become incredibly cruel to their BSs so i was wondering - what was the moment that really left you shocked and speechless & wondering "who is this person?!"?

 

for those of you who are reconciled or going through the reconciliation - did your spouse offer explanation or expressed remorse about those cruel moments?

 

(i'm talking about those moments where you really feel like you're stuck with a lobotomized version of your spouse, they're incredibly angry & vicious to you but at the same time - your every attempt at conversation just gets shot down & you feel like you're in some kind of dark hole.)

 

 

For me it was when my ex H said 'she's a really good person, you'd like her'

 

Yeah, like I'd like the person who helped wreck my marriage...just my sort of person...

 

 

Right there and then I knew he was a lost cause.

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ShatteredLady

I've called my H Mr Alien. He's said & done the most terrible things. I'll be a crying, sniveling wreck if I start listing them off. The thing is I've talked to him about some & it's very strange how his brain works in a completely different way to mine.

 

For example... My H sent the OW my favorite CD's & my favorite children's books that I read with my kids. It devastates me! I trigger when I hear my favorite songs, I try to avoid reading those books but if my little girl insists I struggle not to cry through them! I remember my H reading to our son, I have sooo many memories.

 

My H's explanation.... (They were talking about music) OW's is a woman, you're a woman with good taste, thought she would like the music. You made me like it! It's good music!

Books - H "I never know what to buy. They're English so she's unlikely to already have the books. Our kids love them so her kids would too."

 

He's clearly stated "I didn't think it would be a big deal. I didn't think!". (not that A or gifts but WHAT gifts wouldn't matter!!)

 

I put a lot more significance on 'things' than he does.

 

Most of the really cruel stuff like "Best Mother in the World!" to OW he says he doesn't know who he was. Now he thinks about saying those things & he can't believe he was so cruel. At the time he didn't feel like it was.

 

The huge things like sexually critiquing me & leaving me places, getting scared he wouldn't come back & I had no way of getting home were the worst.

 

He claims memory on most of those things.

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For me it was when my ex H said 'she's a really good person, you'd like her'

 

Yeah, like I'd like the person who helped wreck my marriage...just my sort of person...

 

 

Right there and then I knew he was a lost cause.

 

A lot has been said about "affair fog", and there are times when I've believed it's all hogwash. Just an excuse for a WS to say what they really think unfiltered. Later, after Dday and into R, the filter goes back on and the WS say things differently. But maybe what they say when we call it affair fog is what they really believe.

 

OTOH I think that people can convince themselves of pretty much anything. When they vilify us to justify their affair, they actually believe it at the time. And in fact there is some truth in what they say about us - it's just exaggerated and put in a very negative light.

 

WW said that I worked too much and that's why she had her affair. So would she have preferred that I not work? No, she enjoyed the lifestyle I provided. She said my absence was abuse - that's the negative light I was speaking of. Making up abuse from me to justify her abuse OF me.

 

Soon after Dday WW said that her OM was a good person. He just made a bad choice. Later she realized that OM was a serial cheater - she knew this all along but was somehow able to forget that fact.

 

OM reeled my WW in by offering marriage advice. :eek: ok.. try not to laugh to hard at that one. WW actually thought OM was trying to help our marriage. It was all a ruse of course because through her telling him all the details of our marriage she handed him the keys by which he sowed the seeds of discontent within her - and it was during that time that their EA started.

 

My point is that WS actually do believe these things AT THE TIME. Hopefully in time they wake up are realize that they were willingly lying to themselves.

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[...]

He claims memory on most of those things.

 

 

You mean he "forgets"?

 

My WW does this ALL THE TIME.

Did you do this? - I don't remember

Did you go here? - I don't remember

You said this to me - I don't remember

 

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could just not remember? That the whole affair would just vanish from our minds as if it never happened.

 

Honestly though, I don't believe my WW when she says she doesn't remember. I think that when she says this, it's something she just doesn't want to tell me.

 

"I don't remember" is unassailable. By saying nothing, you can't find a lie. We can't get anything from a person that doesn't remember, because it's as if whatever it was never happened to them.

 

Another thing that continues to astonish me is the whole "I never think of OM or the affair unless you bring it up". How is that even possible? This huge thing she did that disrupted our lives to such a huge extent - and she never thinks about it? SMH I don't get it.

 

It's demeaning in a way. Here they did this horrible thing to us. Destroyed our trust and our sense of self, and they're like "meh - I never really think about it."

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eye of the storm

The OW that my H left me for was my best friend. (I thought) He wanted me to look like her so he convinced me to let her give me a make over. They had my hair done like hers, they picked out clothes for me in her style...looking back my skin still crawls. He also became very cold and made cruel comments about my body and my sexual skills.

 

Karma got them. For his part, she kicked him out and replaced him in a vicious manner. He was totally caught off guard.

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ShatteredLady

This is what I struggle with most, quote - "A lot has been said about "affair fog", and there are times when I've believed it's all hogwash. Just an excuse for a WS to say what they really think unfiltered. Later, after Dday and into R, the filter goes back on and the WS say things differently. But maybe what they say when we call it affair fog is what they really believe."

 

We are in R. My H's 'big reasoning' for the A, for everything was 'He's sick of being surrounded by sickness'. Ugh!

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Mrs. John Adams

I just want to tell you all how very sorry I am for the pain you suffer from people like me.. It truly breaks my heart.

 

If I knew how to help you heal I would do so

 

To think what I have done to my husband .. I have no words

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ShatteredLady

Mrs Adams. Your last post if made by my H would help so much! I think the guilt & embarrassment override other emotions. Most WS in R just want it all gone & forgotten.

 

During A1 we went to the cinema. It was about a 45 min drive, mostly dark roads. I didn't take my purse. I had no keys, money, cards etc. nothing. We got our snacks, sat in our seats, the previews started & he got-up & walked out. I assumed he'd gone to the bathroom or for a ciggy. He didn't say anything.

 

I watched the adverts & previews. The movie started. He didn't come back! The panic started to rise. I had no way of getting home & even if I did I'd have to break a window to get in & I didn't have any cash at home to pay a taxi. I sat in increasing shock through the whole film. The credits started to roll. Everyone left & I was sat alone crying.

 

He walked in as if nothing had happened & rolled his eyes saying "What's wrong now?".

 

I honestly think he completely forgot about things like this! I don't think he will ever start to comprehend the damage it did to me, to my self respect. I reminded him recently & it came as a shock to him.

 

When we recently went to the movies he needed to go to the bathroom & tried to make a joke of it, promising he'd be back....ugh!!

 

The things said & done do heal. After A1 I did forgive & forget completely. So much life happened. A2 has just erased those years between 1 & 2. It's so painful. Things like that story are more vivid in my mind now than the birth of my kids. It's brutal! I know time will heal.

 

I wish everyone before M had to read some of these stories. It's so tragic for BOTH. I knew, he knew, we wouldn't divorce, not when we really thought about it. Why do all of this damage over a fantasy that will NEVER be real? Why break someone you know you're not going to leave? Why, HOW can someone emotionally cripple someone they love? I don't get-it. I try to understand. I've always been interested in psycology. I don't understand :(

 

I've always said that if you know ANYONE intimately enough to know how to really, REALLY hurt them it's your duty NOT to do it. Leave? Yes! Rip them apart using the trust they've put in you? Brutal & cruel. Never!!

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