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Physical affair vs. Emotional Affair.


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I need to get this out there, I'm not sure if this is the right forum, or not. It is about the differences in the two affairs that have effected my life.

 

Here's my perspecive, for what it is worth. Women have a very hard time separating sex and love...they go hand in hand with eachother over time. Men, for a reason I can't fathom since I'm a woman, seem to be able to just play at one level forever. It just doesn't have to grow with them.

 

Affairs that are physical only don't break up marriages...unless someone is sloppy about it.

 

My affair with MM started as physical only, I was so damaged from my husband's leaving that I couldn't believe someone was attracted to me on a physical level. For 9 months that lasted....but then, once that damage healed, I started wanting and needing more. He cared for me, and wished he were free to give that to me, but he wasn't. So we were honest and spent the time it took to split. I respected him and his need to fulfill his committments, he respected me and my need to have more. We both felt guilty because we knew what we were doing was wrong, an affair, adultery. We stopped so that we both could feel better about ourselves.

 

Affairs that have no physical component at all...ones that are "emotional only" are the marriage killers. Because both the MM/MW and the OW/OM can feel that they are guilt-free. For some unknow reason, because it is controlled sexual attraction, it becomes more intense...and the married spouse can actually feel VIRTUOUS because he or she has resisted the temptation, and they are 'just friends'.

 

But that is the insidious nature of an emotional affair, at that point their spouse falls under a microscope and everythign that they say or do which is not what the OW/OM would say or do is wrong. The fact that they don't look like the OW/OM make them unattractive.

 

That is an affair that allows the betraying spouse to lie to themselves about the damage their 'friendship' is doing to the marriage, and feel that they have no choice but to leave because they don't have "anything in common" with their spouse. Because they are essentially lying to themselves, there is no way that they can have open and honest communication with the spouse to try to repair the marriage. Instead they communicate with their friend about how unhappy they are, how their spouse is not the right person for them. And their friend supports them, and strokes their ego, and makes them feel good about themself...and their decisions.

 

Why can this attachment take place? In my case my ex was the one who wanted children right away...I postponed because I knew that having them would change our lives. Eventually we had first a girl, then a boy....and while my life change and grew, he avoided it all. He really didn't take on being a father...he left the parenting to me. He preferred to focus on work, to the point that he was not willing to have a second child unless I stopped working. He didn't want having a second child mean that he had to do more at all.

 

We compromised (I though) and I worked part time for 6 years after the birth of my son. We had agreed that I'd go back to work when he reached 1st grade.

 

That whole time my husband focused on working (Real Estate) and doing the networking that brought in deals. He hunted, he fished, he sailed, he went out for happy hour, he did volunteer work, he got involved politically...and I supported all of these outside activities because I thought it was for the family.

 

It was for him.

 

I covered for him with the kids when he wasn't around on weekends, or missed games, or was out of town sailing and missed birthday parties.

 

The woman he was friends with sailed with him. She was divorced and had never had children. They enjoyed riding bicycles for exercise.

 

I trusted him because he said that they were only friends.

 

All of those years that he should have been growing closer to me as we raised our children, built our life together, made a family...my fantasy of what we were doing...he was actually walking away.

 

One day he said to me you let yourself go, and we have nothing in common. I was amazed I weighted 154 and was 5'8' I had measurments that were around 38-32-36...very top heavy. I'm younger than he. But OK I started working out at the gym--I didn't understand why that made him angry. She is 5'2" and weighs 110 soaking wet. She's flat and 5 years older than him.

 

I was a great mother to his children. Once you have children, there is no choice if you are a good, loving, person. You have to expend an enormous amount of energy to care for them....at the same time you need to care for your spouse. I just never realized my spouse never took care of either them or me, I was so damn busy I accepted that he was the "breadwinner" I didn't realize I should have expected him to chip in at home too, even though I'd gone part time. I thought we had an agreement.

 

He lied.

 

Of course I accused him of having feelings for this woman...of course he said they were just friends.

 

And of course the minute he separated from me, he realized that he needed to be with her.

 

Didn't matter that I loved him, didn't matter that I was willing to do anything to make the marriage work, didn't matter that we had two kids together.

 

All that mattered was that he didn't want to be a full-time dad, or feel guilty about it.

 

In the end it was all about him feeling good about himself. Now he has become a better dad, but he only has the kids 40% of the time. Now he doesn't have to feel guilty about abandoning them that other 60% of the time...he can feel virtuous about giving them more time with their mother.

 

Reality is he has 60% of the time to be with his 'friend' sailing, riding bicycles, and going out drinking without feeling guilty about anything.

 

It has taken me 3 years to come to a place where I can fill that 40% of the time my children are gone. It has been 5 years since he told me I let myself go and inflicted emotional abuse on me because I wasn't her...destroying my self-esteem, damaging my ability to trust, being the catalyst for panic/anxiety attacks, and resulting in a 2 year bout with depression.

 

He shows no compassion, and is vicious with me because he thinks I should just get over it and accept the reality he's handed me.

 

I have to watch my future played out with another woman. The investment I made in his career has paid off for him (and her).

 

If I look back, where did I make mistakes? Should I not have had children? If I hadn't he would have left...he wanted the fantasy. He couldn't live up to the reality.

 

Should I have blown off the kids to go out drinking and sailing with him? How could I have lived with myself being that selfish...no that wouldn't have worked at all. Kids deserve to have someone's attention.

 

Should I have forced him to participate in bringing up the kids? No...he would have felt too cramped and left.

 

How could I know when I pledged my life to him that he didn't understand the meaning of the vows or that there was effort involved in growing TOGETHER?

How could I have known he wouldn't have the depth to be a father?

 

Do I blame him? Yes...he should have communicated with me about his issues ... but to be honest I don't think he had the depth to understand or the self-honesty to address any of the underlying issues that made him run from fatherhood and emotional responsibility.

 

Do I blame her? Yes...but of course, they were just two people who enjoyed talking and having fun together.

 

Do I blame myself? Yes...I should never have trusted him, believed in him, loved him and had his children. If I knew then what I know now, I would have run screaming from the room when we met.

 

Could it ever have worked? Yes...If he were honest with himself, strong enough to communicate with me, and selfless enough to make decisions that benefitted the whole family instead of just making himself happy at our expense.

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MM, I don't think there was anything you could have/should have done differently. If it was the petite woman, it would have been someone else. Sounds like you ex wasn't committed to you...despite his vows.

If I were you, I'd stop feeling like a victim, especially in front of him....Go on with your life, start dating, when he comes around be a stone cold bitch....(not in front of the kids).

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It is hard not to feel like a victim when you have had no control over a divorce situation.

 

It is hard not to be victimized when you love with a whole heart and the person you love has no compassion.

 

It is hard not to be a victim once you have had your heart and soul and emotions trampled on.

 

It takes time to rebuild.

 

That is even more difficult if the love still remains, and you still have to interact because of a co-parenting relationship.

 

I'm trying to get there, but I'm not there yet. I have to be patient with myself...which is hard when everyone around me is sick and tired of my not "moving on".

 

Everyone moves on at their own pace, and if I pretend I'm doing myself a disservice. If I don't work through this completely this time, it will just circle back and get me later.

 

I don't want to make the same mistakes...and to learn from this, I need to truly understand and accept it's reality.

 

I'm making excuses, I know, and they may be holding me back. But I can't just turn off the love I have for him when he is such a part of my children. I see him in them and them in him and it wrenches at my heart.

 

What is worse is when I hate him, because again I see him in them and them in him. That is when I hide from everyone.

 

I have to get to a place where I neither love nor hate him. So that my feelings for them aren't tainted.

But there are so many things that they have learned from him, so man natural genetic inherited traits of his that I can't get away, break free, move on completely.

 

And as long as I feel this way, trapped by this love and hate, I am still a victim.

 

Someday I will learn to control my emotions I hope. But more often than not they control me.

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I understand that, It takes me a while getting over someone, and I have no kids...I suppose having kids, a constant reminder, must be so much more difficult. So then I will say, I hope the mourning process speeds up for you. I am just now coming out of one, was involved for 2 years, and it has taken me 6 months before I can consider myself liking another man.

 

Luckily, I have a date coming up this week with a single one..

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It is hard not to feel like a victim when you have had no control over a divorce situation.....
I could have wrote this post regarding my ex. This is exactly how I feel, and while my marriage ended for things other than an OW/OM, the attachment is the same through the kids. I'm struggling right now to get over him. It helps to know that others are feeling the same way. Love and hate are both strong emotions that keep you connected to the past. Indifference is a very hard place to get to. Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I agree that emotional affairs are much more damaging. Its one thing to just be boinking someone.. but something entirely different to be deeply in love with someone else.

My relationship with MM started out as emotional we didnt do anything sexually for the first 3 or 4 months.. once we added it.. OMG.. we found our soul mates.. Everything was there...

 

I see your points about the W being blinded to the fact that when it is emotional she thinks its not that bad.. but she couldnt be more wrong. Since the W has found out in my story.. he told her that I would always be in his life, that we are so very close, he cant give up our friendship. She trusts him... I have no clue why she would trust him at all, but she does.. and he continues on his happy way of cheating on her.

Then there is me tho.. who cant take this anymore and told him yesterday that I am tired of feeling like a side dish, that I am sick of being thrown under a bus all the time by him whenever she is around. I told him that I believed he wanted our relationship to stay the way it is... I told him I didnt want to be in this position.

meh... I digress..

 

You talk about being victimized.. I agree with you.. I have often thought that this is somekind of abuse we OW and W's endure. What is hard for me to believe is that the MM are evil, mean people. I think 9 times out of 10 they dont really mean to hurt anyone, they just dont think of anyone but themselves and the outcome is hurting everyone around them.

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well i did not get to read your post fully due to time constraints but studies show repeatedly that, given a choice, a man would rather his woman be emotionally unfaithful than physically unfaithful.

 

and women, given a choice, would rather have their man be physically unfaithful than emotionally unfaithful.

 

hope this helps....

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I'm glad that my vent has started this conversation...I'm curious why there are no OM out here.

 

Maybe if they are getting something from a woman, either physical or emotional or both, they can be satisfied because they have no intrinsic desire to grow. It certainly appears that they don't feel a need to find emotional support on this kind of forum!

 

I don't mean to sound like I'm male-bashing (although it kinda does)...but I've just never met a man who actually want to grow emotionally and intellectually. The only men I've met are very happy where they are, and then if I grow we get out of balance, and it ends.

 

It happened with my ex., my post-separation affair with a MM, my most recent boyfriend. The difference is that in the end with both MM and my recent BF, we agreed that there was no way to satisfy each other, and we had never made a lifelong commitment.

 

My ex made a promise, and he never put in the effort it would take to keep it once he informed me of the problem. There was no WE, even after 3 years of dating and living together, 12 years of marriage, and 2 children. It was just HE who made all of the decisions, avoided all of the conversations, and taught me the meaning of the word ABANDONED.

 

What is the deal here guys?

 

Is it that women are built so differently? Or have I just been incredibly unlucky?

 

It isn't as much male-bashing as whine!

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whichwayisup

Very interesting thread this has turned into.

 

I think men can just separate 'sex' and 'love' very easily too. Even an affair if there are emotional feelings from the man he can "turn it on and off" very easily. Without guilt, shame or worry that he may hurt the other person.

Same with marriage. What I mean by that (generally speaking and I am NOT male bashing either, so if it sounds like it, I am not...) I can honestly say, when my husband and I have a heated arguement, he can 'turn off his emotions' get cool and close up. The wall goes up feel nothing. I can't do that. My emotions are just there and I do wear my heart on my sleeve.

 

I don't believe 100% in what alphamale said...

 

well i did not get to read your post fully due to time constraints but studies show repeatedly that, given a choice, a man would rather his woman be emotionally unfaithful than physically unfaithful.

and women, given a choice, would rather have their man be physically unfaithful than emotionally unfaithful.

 

We should not be going on these 'studies' as those 'studies' just aren't real. Look around the board here. This is real life, real hurt, real pain and loss from EA and PA. Both are damaging either way. Maybe the difference is the physical hurt of knowing the SO slept with somebody else...Those images in the head and the ill affects of how the mind handles it as well as the heart. Read Dazed's thread...Compare to Owl's thread. One was physical one was emotional...But did the same amount of damage more or less.

 

It's so easy to sit back and say "I would not do this or that..." I think most think they feel that way and have the strength to say NO if put in a sticky situation...But it depends on that particular situation and what is going on in the home front in general. No two situations are exactly the same and because of that, we have to really look deep in answering threads and not generalize. Hmm, I'm on a tangent here? All over the map...LOL! Saturday afternoon coffee is getting to me I guess!

 

I'm glad that my vent has started this conversation...I'm curious why there are no OM out here.

 

Maybe if they are getting something from a woman, either physical or emotional or both, they can be satisfied because they have no intrinsic desire to grow. It certainly appears that they don't feel a need to find emotional support on this kind of forum!

 

I wonder why too, but I'm sure through the next few days some will reply...

 

I think they don't 'grow' because it takes effort and SOME men are just too lazy or too set in their ways to make the effort to change and work at things. They tend to hold it in and hope it just goes away...I think that is why no OM really post. Probably couldn't handle the talking, feeling and opening up...Or being bashed?? Who knows.

 

Is it that women are built so differently? Or have I just been incredibly unlucky?

 

Yes, we are built differently. Chemically, emotionally, physically, mentally...All of it.

 

I don't think you've been unlucky in a sense of bad luck, but maybe something about you attracts a certain type of man and you are attracted to a certain type..Know what I mean? You grow from experiences, and you are strong, smart and very sincere...You will find someone special...

 

WWIU

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Hmmm...lots of food for thought today! :)

 

Yes, I do think we are built differently...not better or worse, just different. Maybe there are less MM on this board simply because they express their emotions differently. It's women who can better come to terms with what they're thinking/feeling by talking it out (or in this case writing.) We think while we write and it helps us to "get" what we're feeling.

 

Men I don't think are like this. I think they internalize (sp?) more what they are feeling and work it out that way. Of course I'm seriously no expert on this sort of thing. But, for what it's worth, ALL my closest friends are male. Actually, almost all my friends are male, so I spend all my free time with guys, and they feel just as intensly as woman do, moreso I think at times. They hurt, and feel pain, and want to grow as well, they are just VERY different in how they process these emotions. You wanna know their number one strategy (at least these men): wall off, shut up, close down!!! Their girlfriends think they are being cold, uncaring, emotionless - and then they come to me as their one good female friend and want to know how to get back in her good graces, know what they did wrong, and they seriously don't get "it" half the time. Then again, maybe it's just because these guys are all young (we're all in our early-mid 20s) and that's why none of them/us seem to know what the hell is going on half the time. When you get older does the "wisdom fairy" comes down and wave her magic wand and make things suddenly make sense? I sure wish she did! ;)

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Originally posted by scarletibis

Then again, maybe it's just because these guys are all young (we're all in our early-mid 20s) and that's why none of them/us seem to know what the hell is going on half the time. When you get older does the "wisdom fairy" comes down and wave her magic wand and make things suddenly make sense? I sure wish she did! ;)

 

Yes, SCARLETIBIS, men do get better with age, just like a fine red wine from France...

 

I think that women are born with how to deal with emotions and relationships. Men are not, we have to learn with experience and over time, at least the smart ones.

 

Coming from a man who is about to turn 40 I can tell you that I am much more in tune with my emotions now than when I was 25. I also know how to deal with these emotions better.

 

Men basically feel emotions just as strong as women do but we do internalize and keep it inside cause this is what we are supposed to do and this is one of the reasons why women are attracted to us. It makes us opposites and complimentary.

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The OM does not have much of a presence on LS. The OW, in contrast, chronicles in great detail her pain, frustration, and agony dealing with everyone's bad boy, the MM. Reading the OW tears of rage posts, one concludes that for the typical OW an affair is long periods of frustration, regret and boredom punctuated by brief bouts of great sex. To each her own.

 

The OM is another story. I suspect the OM lands on LS at the tail end of or soon after his affair--when his MW finds "religion" again and recommits to her cuckholded husband. Still, the MW wishes to continue the emotional affair and keep her OM in her emotional orbit. She wants to feel loved, desired and connected to her OM even when the sex stops. The OM is usually not as keen on this all hugs, no orgasm, arrangement.

 

An emotional affair often lasts longer than the romantic affair. It's still an affair, but without the sex. The OM gets the worse of both worlds--blocked arousal and depression.

 

All relationships are problematic--marriages, affairs, etc. In this country, especially among the middle and upper middle classes, people usually marry for love and they often divorce when that love dissipates-- when the Great Disconnect hits. Individual happiness and the egoistic joys of connecting to someone new trump the old withered marital connection.

 

That's how many live, today.

 

If marriage and parenting are work, then many men, like your husband, choose unemployment.

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Originally posted by immoralist

All relationships are problematic--marriages, affairs, etc. In this country, especially among the middle and upper middle classes, people usually marry for love and they often divorce when that love dissipates-- when the Great Disconnect hits. Individual happiness and the egoistic joys of connecting to someone new trump the old withered marital connection.

 

Very good points IMMORALIST and totally true. The overwhelming majority of relationships do not work out over extended periods of time.

 

Actually, many do not know this fact, but marriage for romantic love is a fairly recent invention. Maybe 100 yrs old. Before that, people married for necessity, basic survival, and to procreate.

 

By the way, most of the world does not marry for love. The most common form of marriage worldwide today is an arranged marriage.

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Today is a perfect example of why I can't move on...Tomorrow is my ex's birthday. I spent most of my day today helping the kids pick out his presents.

 

Helping them wrap the presents.

 

Helping my 11 year-old son to make a birthday card.

 

Getting them all cleaned up and ready for him to pick up at 4:30.

 

Watching my family drive down the driveway to go out to dinner and ice skating for his birthday.

 

And she will be there. I won't.

 

I try to be good and set an example of how to act. I gave him a nice generic card with a gift certificate to REI and a happy birthday wish.

 

I told the kids to be careful skating and if they fall to curl their fingers in so no one chops them off...made the last thing they heard from me a joke.

 

Now I'll sit for a few minutes and wish that he falls down, someone chops something more critical off of him and she falls through the ice and drowns.

 

Then I'll go take a shower and get ready for a date.

 

I'm 43 years old and I don't want to go out on a first date again. And again. And again.

 

I should be happy I get dates...

 

But right now I want to be in the car, heading for an ice skating rink with him and the kids.

 

I wish he were buying me an anniversary band instead of her an engagement ring this week.

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mourningMM,

 

 

I can't imagine what it must feel like to do what you are doing, but I commend you acting so respectfully and doing your best so that your kids do not get hurt...I don't know how you do it, but you obviuosly have A LOT of strength. You need to take some of that strength for yourself as well. Open yourself up more for the guys you go on dates with- find activities and time to do things you enjoy- or maybe even new hobbies/activities.

It sounds like you still love your ex which must make it that much harder to move on, but YOU need to try and do that. Do not let that man take the best of you- he didn't deserve you, but someone out there does and you just need to meet him.

 

good luck and take care...

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whichwayisup
Today is a perfect example of why I can't move on...Tomorrow is my ex's birthday. I spent most of my day today helping the kids pick out his presents.

 

Helping them wrap the presents.

 

Helping my 11 year-old son to make a birthday card.

 

Getting them all cleaned up and ready for him to pick up at 4:30

 

I really really HOPE that he sees that effort you've put in and gives you the same kind of consideration and helps the kids pick out YOUR gift and card when it is your birthday.

 

I'm sorry the OW is with your kids. I can't imagine that pain, I don't have children...I do have nieces and I love them like my own, so I can take that feeling and multiply 100000 times and just know that you must be hurting.

 

LOL I like the way you think, process and your secret little hopes for their minor misfortunes! Very healthy!

 

But doing all this for the kids sake is still hard. I DO hope he sees it all. Sucks that she has him.

 

Have fun on the date!

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Originally posted by alphamale

Yes, SCARLETIBIS, men do get better with age, just like a fine red wine from France...

 

I think that women are born with how to deal with emotions and relationships. Men are not, we have to learn with experience and over time, at least the smart ones.

 

Coming from a man who is about to turn 40 I can tell you that I am much more in tune with my emotions now than when I was 25. I also know how to deal with these emotions better.

 

Men basically feel emotions just as strong as women do but we do internalize and keep it inside cause this is what we are supposed to do and this is one of the reasons why women are attracted to us. It makes us opposites and complimentary.

 

Yes, I agree! At least that's what I see with my guy pals: keeping things inside being the best way to deal. Just to illustrate this: Not long ago one of my friends got in a major fight with his GF. He shut down and kept quiet. I'm there with him and like 4 other guys and I ask them all what his problem is, and should I go talk to him, you know, try to help. Their reply: "No, he's perfectly fine!" I, being the one girl, of course think I should go talk with him, maybe attempt to help him deal - you know, talk it out, find a solution. The guys looked at me like I was nuts. Their logic was he IS working it out, and the proof of that was the fact that he WAS now suddenly withdrawn, quiet, ignoring things. That right there told them as guys, he's working it out, leave him alone to figure things out. On the other hand I speak to his GF and she takes this as him being "cruel and uncaring" (her EXACT words.) Again, we're just different!!!

 

I also think guys get better with age! My own MM (yes, even though he is just an MM, and I am just an OW) handles things MUCH differently than my guy pals, not to mention he talks a lot more about what he is feeling. Of course he's 50 - so he does have almost 3 decades more of life experience than either them or myself!!!

 

Mourning,

 

Try to be strong. I know this situation hurts. You do need to be commended for handling such an emotionally difficult situation with dignity and grace. Really, putting on happy face is the best thing for your children, whom you no doubt love immensly. Maybe after your date, or tomorrow, you can go out and do something just for you, for your own enjoyment. Maybe pamper yourself some. Have one of those "its all about ME" days. Lord knows you've earned it!

 

I wish you all the best!!!

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Originally posted by scarletibis

Just to illustrate this: Not long ago one of my friends got in a major fight with his GF. He shut down and kept quiet. I'm there with him and like 4 other guys and I ask them all what his problem is, and should I go talk to him, you know, try to help. Their reply: "No, he's perfectly fine!"

 

Men are problem solvers SCARLETIBIS. When we have some emotional based problem we go into our "cave" and solve the problem in our own heads. We do not like to "talk" about it like women do. Women talk talk talk talk until the sun goes down and then they feel better just by talking.

 

Men are not like this. We feel better after we withdraw for a period of time and then think about things on our own and THEN we feel better.

 

This is a substantive difference between the sexes.

 

The other thing is that when we DO express our feelings and emotions on a regular basis many women start to look at us a feminine and sissies that don't have their emotions in control and then tehy loose respect for us. It is totally true.

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Originally posted by alphamale

Men are problem solvers SCARLETIBIS. When we have some emotional based problem we go into our "cave" and solve the problem in our own heads. We do not like to "talk" about it like women do.

 

Here is the thing...if it is problem in the relationship a man shouldn't

 

1) think he has to solve it by himself.

2) believe that his perspective on the issues is complete and correct.

3) assume that the solution he comes up with in his cave is the best solution.

 

A relationship problem can only be handled in the relationship. However hard and painful for both parties that is. If a man goes to his cave and comes up with no solution, it is the perfect reason to quit.

 

Relationships end when one person quits...even if the other person in the relationship had thousands of ideas of ways that the relationship could improve and change.

 

There are some things that men do better than women, there are some things that women do better than men.

 

But a couple...partners...don't make unilateral decisions. At very least come out of the cave and give status reports and milestones. Don't just jump to the conclusion that is made in the dark.

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Originally posted by mourningMM

But a couple...partners...don't make unilateral decisions. At very least come out of the cave and give status reports and milestones. Don't just jump to the conclusion that is made in the dark.

 

Unfortunately, regardless of sex, we all tend to make conclusions in the dark.

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Good point.

 

You know the corollary to the point I made earlier is what is causing me such difficulty.

 

  • If one person in a relationship makes a unilateral decision to leave a relationship, the other person is left feeling victimized, emotionally abused and abandoned.

 

 

And what is worse...I think that the damage that is a result of this kind ending is that the perosn who was the one left has damage to their ability to "relate". And since that damage can only be repaired by being in a healthy relationship, it really is difficult to "move on".

 

It is like I have a flat tire with a broken rim and everyone is yelling at me to get it off the road and to a garage. Hell, it is to big to push by myself and I'm just waiting for the tow-truck!

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Just my opinion....

 

Back on the original subject line of this thread...

 

I think that both types of affairs are equally devestating and painful for the BS. I'm not sure which would be harder to recover from either. From what I've seen, many of the physical only affairs often turn into repeat cheaters, which are damaging all in their own way. The emotional affairs tend to be more one time instances for the most part...but the damage they inflict on the BS emotionally is tremendous.

 

I'm sure you've all heard my story. My wife's case was all emotional...and it's still hard for me to deal with a lot of the time. The affair is over...but the fear of it re-starting or happening again is huge. It's changed my "picture" of myself quite a bit...I don't think of myself nearly the same way as I did before it happened. Nor do I view our marriage quite the same either...

 

Again, just my opinion on the subject.

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I don't know that I'll ever be able to trust completely or love unconditionally (except for the kids of course) again.

 

Not that I want to put conditions on my love...

 

Maybe I won't be able to love blindly is a better phrase. I'll need something back that is the equal of what I give.

 

The question for those of you who have survived an affair is has it improved your ability to communicate with your spouse? If it has, although you both are different, and will never have that same innocent love again, I'd say that you have the most important tool that any marriage can have.

 

If you can communicate, and have committment to work through problems as big as an affair, then I think you should see that as a strenght in your relationship.

 

And, of course, I envy you!

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OK...time for Owl to sound like a total jerk again...LOL

 

What is up with this "unconditional" love I keep seeing everyone talk about??? I hate to sound so jaded, but there is no such thing. Even kids will quit loving you if you continually hurt and abuse them...same with adults. So why is everyone so tied up with this concept of love being unconditional??

 

All love is conditional. You can't honestly feel that you'd still be in love with someone who tied you up, set fire to your clothes while you're still wearing them, and then ran you over with a semi to put out the flames do you??? Alright...kind of drastic, but take my point.

 

The same thing applies to trust as well. We all trust our partner's blindly...until that trust is betrayed. I did the same thing. No, I'll never blindly trust my wife again...and she's just now starting to understand that. And if by some freak chance we end up divorced and I find myself considering someone else...I won't trust them blindly either.

 

As far as communication goes, yes, we communicate better now than we did in the past. There have been some huge improvements in our marriage and how we handle issues now compared to how we did them before the affair occurred. And I do believe that we'll be able to work through the affair issue...the biggest problem we face now is how to ensure that it can't/won't happen again. My biggest fear is that it COULD happen again...because I know that if it did...I wouldn't get over it again.

 

But overall, we're doing awesome. Even our counselor says that we're doing leaps and bounds better than he's seen anyone else manage something like this.

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