Three years

[Inflikted]

There years ago, I met the girl I should've ended up with. She, of course, didn't like me, didn't want to date me, and distanced herself from me after the fact, but we still knew each other for a while, and I watched as she dated other guys and moved forward with her life.

 

About 1.5 years ago, she exited my life. Which was a slight relief. But I've thought about her every day since. Worse than that, I look her up on social media every now and then, which I fully admit is creepy and stalkery, and lastly, she's gotten a great job and is currently dating a guy she's madly in love with.

 

Three years... That's such a long time to be hung up on someone, especially when I haven't even seen them for half that time. I disappoint and frustrate myself for not being able to move on with my life. What is wrong with me...?

[craw]

Have you tried meeting other women?

 

 

At least I don't feel about being hung up on someone for 8 months! But seriously, three years could have been spent loving someone else who would reciprocate the same feeling.

[LoverOfDance]

There's nothing wrong with you. It happens sometimes. Sometimes our minds stay hung up on ppl longer than they should. You'll be fine. I've been there and I promise you'll be fine :-)

 

But you do have to try to stop looking her up on social media though. It's like picking a scab. The wound will never heal if you keep re-opening it.

[Inflikted]

Have you tried meeting other women?

 

 

At least I don't feel about being hung up on someone for 8 months! But seriously, three years could have been spent loving someone else who would reciprocate the same feeling.

 

I don't really have very many avenues for meeting women, but I never find myself feeling personally attracted to any of the ones I do meet. I never meet anyone like her, and she was such an exact personification of all the things I'm attracted most to.

 

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I've never actually dated anyone, or come close to it in any way. I'm really not good enough for anyone, and I don't anticipate I'll ever have a "normal" social/ dating life. I had hoped this girl, in particular, was going to be my ticket to that normal life, but it was not.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. It happens sometimes. Sometimes our minds stay hung up on ppl longer than they should. You'll be fine. I've been there and I promise you'll be fine :-)

 

But you do have to try to stop looking her up on social media though. It's like picking a scab. The wound will never heal if you keep re-opening it.

 

I guess, but it brings me so much pain, being so hung up on her. It's not even really the social media stuff that does it, it's the constant thoughts of her and what could've been (me looking her up online is more the result of these thoughts bubbling up to a boiling point for me). She constantly creeps into my thoughts no matter what I'm doing, and it just makes my heart hurt.

 

I'm just... so tired of that pain, but I can't seem to make it go away...

[LoverOfDance]

Believe me, everything you're saying sounds extremely familiar to me because I have experienced it before. It's ok. Stop getting angry at yourself for being hung up on her. Stop beating yourself up. You're only human. Your mind is obsessed with thoughts of her. Ok, whatever, let it be obsessed. You need to just accept the situation. You're making things worse for yourself by fighting it and getting mad at yourself. Just accept things for what they are. It is possible that you may never get over her. Ok, fine, even if that happens, IT'S OK. Stop thinking there is something wrong with you. Just accept things for what they are and just believe in your heart that everything will be fine no matter what.

 

Everything you're saying to me right now, I have already said to my friends and family. They are amazing because they never got mad at me for constantly complaining to them, lol. You're not a victim of life. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Life is unfair (to everyone) and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Stop wallowing in pain and anguish. Stop being frustrated with yourself. Stop worrying. It's all a waste of time and energy. Be happy. Forget about all these things that are out of your control. Just leave them be and be happy! Being happy is the only thing that is not a waste of time, lol. Like I said, you'll be fine. Just wait and see :-)

Edited September 5, 2015 by LoverOfDance

[Inflikted]

Believe me, everything you're saying sounds extremely familiar to me because I have experienced it before. It's ok. Stop getting angry at yourself for being hung up on her. Stop beating yourself up. You're only human. Your mind is obsessed with thoughts of her. Ok, whatever, let it be obsessed. You need to just accept the situation. You're making things worse for yourself by fighting it and getting mad at yourself. Just accept things for what they are. It is possible that you may never get over her. Ok, fine, even if that happens, IT'S OK. Stop thinking there is something wrong with you. Just accept things for what they are and just believe in your heart that everything will be fine no matter what.

 

Everything you're saying to me right now, I have already said to my friends and family. They are amazing because they never got mad at me for constantly complaining to them, lol. You're not a victim of life. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Life is unfair (to everyone) and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Stop wallowing in pain and anguish. Stop being frustrated with yourself. Stop worrying. It's all a waste of time and energy. Be happy. Forget about all these things that are out of your control. Just leave them be and be happy! Being happy is the only thing that is not a waste of time, lol. Like I said, you'll be fine. Just wait and see :-)

 

I just wish I knew how to get past the pain, you know? That's the worst part. It's so painful to me to know that I'll never have her or someone like her in my life in that way, that she's out there having a happy life with some guy who's way better than me, that I found the best girl for me but wasn't good enough for her, myself.

 

To be honest, I wish I'd never even met her in the first place. Had I not met her, I'd not be having such painful thoughts and feelings for so long... The last few years of my life probably would've been much happier and/ or more pleasant had I never met her.

 

But instead, I've spent the last few years in pain, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I want to move on, I want to get over the pain and the anguish, but I just can't see an end to it.

[Satu]

Nothing will change in your life until you do something to make it change.

 

But its been evidenced in your other threads and posts, that you're not willing to do anything to make your life better.

 

All advice falls on deaf ears, so I won't offer any.

 

Mmm... No. I will:

 

Realise that self-hatred and self-belittlement is what is keeping you stuck where you are.

 

Stop it.

[LoverOfDance]

He's not better than you. No one is better than you. We are all equal. I really don't understand and will never understand why ppl see other ppl as being better than themselves. It's such a terrible way to think. God did not create us like that as far as I am concerned. He didn't make anyone better than the other.

 

You need to have more confidence in yourself. You need to believe in yourself. Work on yourself. I've really said all I can possibly say. Take care of yourself. If not for yourself, do it for those you love.

[ScienceGal]

How you feel is normal. It happens.

 

The good thing is that you are questioning it (as opposed to be oblivious to the long-term effects it might have).

 

What is it that draws you to her? Have you thought about the qualities rather than just her in general? I guarantee there are women out there who possess similar qualities. Women who will want to date you.

[oldshirt]

Nothing will change in your life until you do something to make it change.

 

But its been evidenced in your other threads and posts, that you're not willing to do anything to make your life better.

 

All advice falls on deaf ears, so I won't offer any.

 

Mmm... No. I will:

 

Realise that self-hatred and self-belittlement is what is keeping you stuck where you are.

 

Stop it.

 

 

 

 

 

This ^^^^^

 

 

 

 

Get help and actually do the steps that it will take to improve your life.

[Inflikted]

Nothing will change in your life until you do something to make it change.

 

But its been evidenced in your other threads and posts, that you're not willing to do anything to make your life better.

 

All advice falls on deaf ears, so I won't offer any.

 

Mmm... No. I will:

 

Realise that self-hatred and self-belittlement is what is keeping you stuck where you are.

 

Stop it.

 

As I said in another thread, I may not be able to cite specific examples off the top of my head, but in some way or another, I've tried everything I can think of, everything people have suggested to me, at some point over the course of my life, and I feel like I've seen no results from any of it. It's not about "not wanting to do the work" or "being lazy". I just feel like I don't know what else to do. It feels like nothing works, with me.

 

He's not better than you. No one is better than you. We are all equal. I really don't understand and will never understand why ppl see other ppl as being better than themselves. It's such a terrible way to think. God did not create us like that as far as I am concerned. He didn't make anyone better than the other.

 

You need to have more confidence in yourself. You need to believe in yourself. Work on yourself. I've really said all I can possibly say. Take care of yourself. If not for yourself, do it for those you love.

 

He is, though. And so are the other guys she's dated. They must be, if they were worth her time and emotional investment and I wasn't. I don't disagree that, as a general rule, all humans are equally worthy of being alive. But in terms of making personal connections, there IS a sense of "better" or "worse".

 

Some people are more physically attractive, some people are not. Some people have more charming personalities, some people have less so. Some people are more interesting and/ or exciting, some people are less so. Some people are more successful and "lucrative" and others are less so. In her eyes, I was not good enough. If I were "good enough", she'd have given me a chance. But I did not meet her bare minimum requirements for being worth her affections. Thus, I was not good enough.

 

Unfortunately, I'm inferior to pretty much all of my peers, in some glaring way. It's not really "belittling" myself. It's just stating facts. I'm much less physically attractive. I have a much worse personality. I'm uninteresting and unexciting. I'm socially inept. I have a crummy job with little to no potential. Those are just facts. That's who I am.

 

What is it that draws you to her? Have you thought about the qualities rather than just her in general? I guarantee there are women out there who possess similar qualities. Women who will want to date you.

 

Well, first of all, no women will want to date me. I don't have what it takes to be that for someone.

 

As for this girl, yes, I suppose I could find others with similar personality traits and qualities, and whatnot, but what really struck me about her was the "balance" of those things. Most girls I've met always lean heavily one way or another with specific qualities, and it's too much of a turn off to me.

 

I was floored when I met her, because had you asked me, prior to meeting her, to describe in vivid detail my "perfect woman", it would've come out just like her, to a "t". And from everything I'd ever been told, that practically never happens.

 

I'm also bothered by my susceptibility to "settle". I don't want to find someone that's "good enough", while in the back of my head, having nagging thoughts of "I wish she didn't do this" or "I wish she were more like that". That's not the kind of relationship I'd want to be in. But, then again, perhaps that just IS what dating (and socializing, in general) actually is, and I'm just too spoiled by meeting the one and only "perfect girl" I'll ever meet.

[Satu]

What is wrong with me...?

 

As previously stated, what is wrong with you is your unwillingness to do something to change your circumstances.

 

You said, "I may not be able to cite specific examples off the top of my head."

 

If you had made sustained efforts to do something, you would remember those efforts very clearly.

 

Do, or don't do is your only choice.

[Inflikted]

If you had made sustained efforts to do something, you would remember those efforts very clearly.

 

Not really... Over time it all becomes foggy. I couldn't accurately tell you exactly what I was doing two years ago, three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, etc. Not everything is some big grand gesture that stands out perfectly in one's mind. Just because I can't sit here and rattle off every single thing I've tried, how many times I tried it, how often I tried it, when I tried it, and all the other little details to it, that doesn't mean I haven't done things.

 

Again, you're mistaking "laziness" for a general feeling of "defeat". There's no unwillingness on my part to "do the work". Rather, I can't think of anything I haven't already tried (and failed at) at some point in my life, to improve my life in a way that would be meaningful to me.

[Satu]

Not really... Over time it all becomes foggy. I couldn't accurately tell you exactly what I was doing two years ago, three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, etc. Not everything is some big grand gesture that stands out perfectly in one's mind. Just because I can't sit here and rattle off every single thing I've tried, how many times I tried it, how often I tried it, when I tried it, and all the other little details to it, that doesn't mean I haven't done things.

 

Again, you're mistaking "laziness" for a general feeling of "defeat". There's no unwillingness on my part to "do the work". Rather, I can't think of anything I haven't already tried (and failed at) at some point in my life, to improve my life in a way that would be meaningful to me.

 

 

If you had made definite, consistent, major efforts, you would remember them, because they would have demanded so much time, effort, and energy from you.

 

 

So what do you want from your postings here?

 

Sympathy?

 

Something else?

 

Just thinking aloud?

 

It's not at all clear what you want.

Edited September 5, 2015 by Satu

[Inflikted]

If you had made definite, consistent, major efforts, you would remember them, because they would have demanded so much time, effort, and energy from you.

 

 

So what do you want from your postings here?

 

Sympathy?

 

Something else?

 

Just thinking aloud?

 

It's not at all clear what you want.

 

Whatever. I don't need someone else to tell me what I have and haven't done over the course of my life.

[Inflikted]

Get help and actually do the steps that it will take to improve your life.

 

Also, I kind of wish people would stop acting like therapy/ "professional help" is some kind of cure-all, surefire solution. Has it helped a lot of people? Yes, sure, it wouldn't be a thing that exists if it didn't. But it's not necessarily going to have an effect on everyone, and not everyone can go through the process and come out better and "normal" after all of it.

 

On top of that, "professional help" is practically a luxury. It costs money. When you have a very small level of income and a job whose medical benefits don't cover psychological help, it's not exactly feasible to consistently pursue "professional help" and be able to stick with it. Are there "cheaper" solutions? Perhaps. But in my experience, you tend to get what you pay for.

 

Now, I understand how I come off in my threads. I really do. But from my perspective, you have to understand that people constantly just saying "Seek professional help, that's all I can say", in my mind, is akin to saying "I don't want to deal with you, go pay someone to listen to you complain about your life". And hey, if that's how you really feel, fine.

 

But there's nothing to suggest that "professional help" is the surefire "cure" to all my ailments. Clearly, as many people here have demonstrated to me, I'm a very "difficult" person. If I'm going to be "difficult", I'd rather at least do so in an environment that isn't wasting tons of money that I don't have to begin with.

 

Satu asked what it is I "look for" here every time I post or make a new thread. And truth be told, I simply don't know. I just... all this stuff is constantly swirling around in my head. 24/7, every waking moment, everything that I post about regularly is weighing in the back of my mind, and I have no "outlet".

 

Work and hobbies can distract me to a slight extent, but it's never enough. I don't have friends or family or loved ones that truly care about me and my well-being, I don't have people to talk to about stuff and help me through stuff and give me support when I need it, I don't have people to spend time with to get my mind off things, it's just me, all alone in my head, every single second of every single day, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

So I post. And heck, believe me, this isn't the first place to tell me how "difficult" I am. I've literally been permanently banned from other forums like this due to people getting too frustrated with me. This is pretty much the last place I have left, and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm on thin ice here, as well. I don't know what I'll do with myself if I'm completely shut out from everywhere.

 

But if I'm being honest, even writing, or talking, about my thoughts and feelings and issues, it doesn't really help. Sometimes it feels good to vent a bit, like right now, but overall, it just feels like another pointless thing I do to "distract" me for a little while. Nothing I've done, nothing I've tried, nothing I've pursued in the past has helped. I have no idea what will, at this point.

 

I don't mean this in a "suicidal" way, but I just wish my life would end, right now, right at this very second, so I could be out of my misery forever, so I could just be at rest. At this point, I crave that more than anything, to just... be at rest.

[Els]

Well, if you want people to make the effort to help you (aside from catch-all 'seek professional help' advice), then you should make the effort to try to recall and talk about what you've tried to do to improve your life and situation, and why/how they didn't work. If you won't, I don't see what there is left to talk about.

[Satu]

I will summarise what you are saying, just to make sure that I'm understanding you correctly.

 

You don't like yourself.

 

Other people don't like you.

 

You don't like other people.

 

You've tried everything, even though you can't remember what it was you tried.

 

Nothing that works for other people, could ever work for you.

 

Therapy is pointless in your case.

 

Life is an experience of constant pain for you, with no enjoyment of any kind, ever.

 

 

Did I miss anything?

[Inflikted]

You don't like yourself.

 

Other people don't like you.

 

You don't like other people.

 

...

 

Life is an experience of constant pain for you, with no enjoyment of any kind, ever.

 

I suppose that's a concise way to put that, sure.

 

You've tried everything, even though you can't remember what it was you tried.

 

That's a bit of an oversimplification of what I meant. Most people don't have photographic memories of their lives. Stuff becomes foggy, a lot of things kind of blend together, and some things get so buried in memory that you don't even think about it anymore later on.

 

And as I said before, I never really go into things thinking "This is going to be some huge, grand experience that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life". For example, over the last decade, I've met and known a large number of people, and I've tried, at various stages of my life, to connect with the people around me. That said, I don't exactly remember every single social interaction I've had with another person, and I can't sit here and explain what I did/ didn't do in each interaction and examine why things failed. Over time, it just starts to blur together.

 

That's not me trying to be "deceptive" or whatever it is you're implying, that's just how people generally are. Memories and thoughts and feelings, they all blend and blur together over time.

 

Nothing that works for other people, could ever work for you.

 

My point is that I've tried pretty much everything, and nothing has worked. It's less about being a "defeatist" and more about being at a loss for what to do, anymore.

 

Therapy is pointless in your case.

 

I've tried it, and it just didn't feel like the process was for me. But again, it's also a "luxury" item I couldn't really afford even if I did feel like it was for me.

[Satu]

My story:

 

Left home shortly before my 17th birthday.

 

Never took a penny from my parents from that day on

 

Never slept in their house ever again.

 

Put myself through college and university by working hard, hard, hard.

 

Put myself through professional training and established myself in a respected profession.

 

Don't owe anyone a penny. No debts of any kind.

 

 

If I can do that, why can't you?

 

Do you think it was easy for me?

[Inflikted]

My story:

 

Left home shortly before my 17th birthday.

 

Never took a penny from my parents from that day on

 

Never slept in their house ever again.

 

Put myself through college and university by working hard, hard, hard.

 

Put myself through professional training and established myself in a respected profession.

 

Don't owe anyone a penny. No debts of any kind.

 

 

If I can do that, why can't you?

 

Do you think it was easy for me?

 

Easy? No. But you're clearly an overall stronger, smarter person than I am. Hell, I'd say most people are more those things than I am. And that's the thing, that's part of what really eats away at me.

 

I've seen so many people around me who push on through life, and have the wherewithal to use and take advantage of what's around them, and have the intelligence to build a life for themselves that they can be proud of and happy with. And it bothers me that I'm not one of those people.

 

You think I haven't "worked hard"? You think I haven't given as much of myself as others do? You think I've done nothing but sit on my ass for my entire life, wanting everything life has to offer to just be served up on a silver platter for me? That's bull.

 

I worked hard to do well in my educational pursuits, and hell, I had to take a gamble towards the end and essentially put myself in debt to finish paying off my education, but I did it, I took that risk, because I believed in it. And every day since I graduated, I've been looking for and reaching out to any career opportunity I can find, and I've come out empty-handed.

 

In the meantime, I've spent the last seven years working a menial, low-paying job, because that's all I'm apparently good enough to be able to do, and as much as I hate my job and my lack of an actual "career", that doesn't stop me from working hard at what I do, and from trying to be the best employee I can be.

 

I'm tired of hearing that I've not "worked hard enough", or that I'm "lazy", or whatever. I HAVE put in work. I HAVE taken risks. I HAVE put myself out there. Maybe in different ways than you or anyone else, perhaps even in less notable, less impressive ways, but that doesn't change the fact that I do put in "work" to my life.

 

Unfortunately, that also doesn't change the fact that "putting in the work", on its own, is simply not enough. I'm inept. I don't have the mind or the intelligence to find and/ or create opportunities for myself, nor do I have the wherewithal to know how to properly take advantage of the opportunities I do come across.

 

From what I've seen, the average person is able to do those things a whole hell of a lot better than I am. I might as well be some brainless robot that serves its menial functions to the best of its capabilities but can aspire to nothing more.

[ScienceGal]

There is a lot of negative energy coming from you.

 

I apologize because I am not in a good place at the moment and can't give a long response. I just wanted to point out that perhaps you should start keeping a journal (including anything relevant that you can remember). I, like you, don't remember things. I know that a lot of it is because I want to block those times out. I don't want to remember. But, what a shame to let all those experiences go to waste (especially when they were painful)? How else will things get better if you don't learn the lessons?

 

Write things down so you can learn and grow.

[Inflikted]

There is a lot of negative energy coming from you.

 

People like to say that the universe gives you back the same "energy" you put out, but I like to think it works the other way around, too. As a child, as a teen, I didn't "start out" as a negative, pessimistic, cynical person. I was hopeful, I was optimistic, I believed that good things would come to good people in time.

 

But over time, more and more, the world around me just wore me down. Yes, I wish I were a stronger person that could've powered through all of that and held on to that sense of optimism and hope, but I'm not.

 

What you, and others, call "negativity", I, however, believe to simply be looking at the facts. The fact is that the entire world, every single aspect of it, is built on "survival of the fittest". Everything in life is a competition. Whether it's competing to win someone's romantic affections, competing to win someone's friendship, competing to get a good job, competing for better opportunities in life... Everything is one big competition.

 

And me, I'm simply not a competitive person. Not even in the slightest. I'm not "fit" enough to compete with anyone over anything. In competitive scenarios, I will always lose, because I don't have what it takes to win. And because the entire world is built on competition, that leaves me in a very bad spot.

 

I apologize because I am not in a good place at the moment and can't give a long response. I just wanted to point out that perhaps you should start keeping a journal (including anything relevant that you can remember). I, like you, don't remember things. I know that a lot of it is because I want to block those times out. I don't want to remember. But, what a shame to let all those experiences go to waste (especially when they were painful)? How else will things get better if you don't learn the lessons?

 

Write things down so you can learn and grow.

 

I don't learn from experiences, though. Perhaps it's some sort of mental defect of mine, but as consciously aware I am of my faults, and what NOT to do in any given situation, my emotions often end up overriding my rational thinking when I'm actually placed in a situation, and I will end up making the worst results.

 

What I mean is, let's say someone poses a hypothetical question to you, such as "What would you do if you suddenly got a million dollars right now?". Often times, someone will answer a question like this with rational thought, and say that they'd invest it wisely and set amounts of it aside for the future, and whatnot. But that's because it's a hypothetical question. If that same person ACTUALLY received the money, what they'd actually do would quite likely be very different. They'd likely make a lot of poor financial decisions and blow through it quite quickly.

 

In a lot of ways, that's how I am. For instance, several years ago, I had feelings for another girl. I was awkward about it, and when she rejected me, I had trouble handling it, and I acted very stupid and pushed her away. So, when this girl that I made this thread about came along, I told myself "Okay, here's what happened last time, don't do any of that". Logically, I knew what mistakes not to make.

 

But when I was actually in the situation, my feelings and emotions overwhelmed all my rational thoughts, and I became an awkward mess that couldn't handle the rejection and I pushed her away, as well. Even when I knew ahead of time what I shouldn't have done, I went and did it anyway, because the rational thinking ahead of time doesn't prepare you for the feelings and emotions that you feel when you're actually in the moment.

[Satu]

“Neurosis is the way of avoiding non-being by avoiding being.”

 

 

- Paul Tillich

[Inflikted]

“Neurosis is the way of avoiding non-being by avoiding being.”

 

 

- Paul Tillich

 

I'm going to be honest, I really never understand the philosophical quotes you frequently post in my threads.