Dealbreakers

[Eighty_nine]

I sometimes wonder, do we have too many deal breakers?

 

We'll end relationships because of certain things, but inevitably the next relationship will have its shortcomings also. They all will. Sometimes I think you're just trading one issue for another.

 

Are we too intolerant of flaws, shortcomings, and mistakes?

 

I'm 30 years old, have had 4 serious relationships, 3 less-serious relationships, and plenty of dates or short flings. Perhaps this is more than average, and maybe having so much relationships experience is what is making me think this way. I think perhaps we all give up on people and relationships too easily. (Unless we're talking about straight up being bored and wanting to change partners. That's a legit reason for many people).

[Toodaloo]

1. he is married/ attached

2. he is a pillock

3. he stinks

4. he is angry/ aggressive

5. he is into drugs/ alcohol etc in an unhealthy way

6. we just don't get on for whatever reason (encompass core values etc in this one)

 

I don't think thats too many to have is it?

[PaperCrane]

1. Married / Has kids
   
2. Drug problems
   
3. Financially irresponsible
   
4. Any type of abusive behavior
   
5. Doesn't like my cats
   

[candie13]

I don't think so. I think, on the contrary, it is very important to know what you want and what you stand for, too many people stand for too little.

 

It's also important to have a lot of RSs, because that is how you learn - about yourself, about what you expect from a partner, romantically and about men, in general.

 

I've read an article where it was stated that a person ideally needs to have at least 12 RS of min 3 months to know themselves enough from that pov.

 

It's also a matter of finding the right person. When you click, it's easy, it just flows. That's when you know you've found the right partner. Not saying there won't be fights or tough times, but less. You won't feel like you're forcing yourself or your partner into a RS... you both want to stay there and make it work.

 

I think, on the contrary, you're trying too hard to make it work, if you're thinking that way. Just focus on being happy, when you meet someone. It's meant to be really easy.

 

Bottom line - for me - dealbreakers are not good or important. They just are. By ignoring them, we're doing ourselves a high dis-service, we're being less true to ourselves and that makes us un-authentic partners. No RS can survive or evolve beautifully with people pleasers. You are whom you are. You like what you like. You have your own needs which won't disappear if you ignore them. You have the dealbreakers. Those won't disappear if ignored either... Worse, the more you ignore them, chances are the more violently they will blow up in your face...

 

You can't run away from yourself. Better to love and accept, embrace whom you are. How else can you find a partner who will, if you won't?

[deadelvis]

Some people are dealbreaker-breakers. I know I've broken my rules when I really liked someone. Nothing is set in stone when there are feelings involved.

[Frank2thepoint]

Depends on the person. Some people are intolerant of almost any shortcoming. Some don't have any requirements because they don't know what they want. Some people are flexible with their requirements, within reason. And it seems a lot of people toss out their requirements if the person is hot.

[Timshel]

Meanness, a cold heart, a closed mind and a limp d*ck.

 

My bf in none of these and an all around great guy.

[d0nnivain]

Dealbreakers about core values is fine.

 

When you have dealbreakers about trivial stuff. . . must be a certain height, have a certain hair color, pursue certain hobbies etc. . . . then the dealbreakers are more road blocks.

[Imported]

Women that have "man hands". It freaks me out!

[Toodaloo]

Meanness, a cold heart, a closed mind and a limp d*ck.

 

My bf in none of these and an all around great guy.

 

Your only saying that because he can read it...

 

Depends on the person. Some people are intolerant of almost any shortcoming. Some don't have any requirements because they don't know what they want. Some people are flexible with their requirements, within reason. And it seems a lot of people toss out their requirements if the person is hot.

 

Don't worry Frank - you can carry on farting and scratching your balls... It doesn't bother me. Unless you do it in front of my mother...

 

Oh I forgot.

 

Men with long fingernails - its just wrong on so many levels...

[carhill]

I sometimes wonder, do we have too many deal breakers?

 

IMO, for each of us, there's a balance. What might be 'too many' for some is 'not enough' for others and everything in between. We each find, hopefully, through experience, having successes and failures, a balance point which works for us as individuals.

 

We'll end relationships because of certain things, but inevitably the next relationship will have its shortcomings also. They all will. Sometimes I think you're just trading one issue for another.

IMO, each relationship is unique and we each know what we know when and where we know it, as do our partners in life, so each relationship stands alone. Does one develop universal dealbreakers which survive relationships and remain constant throughout life? Sure, most of us do. Still, the milieu of each interaction is unique, as are its 'shortcomings', so how that milieu is processed will depend upon the person, their psychology, processing of their past experiences, and perception of those shortcomings along that particular timeline.

Are we too intolerant of flaws, shortcomings, and mistakes?

 

I'm 30 years old, have had 4 serious relationships, 3 less-serious relationships, and plenty of dates or short flings. Perhaps this is more than average, and maybe having so much relationships experience is what is making me think this way.

Congratulations and you support some of what I shared and opined above. Additionally, you have choices regarding how you perceive your relationships and the lessons and experiences you retain and carry forward. It's all personal choice.

I think perhaps we all give up on people and relationships too easily. (Unless we're talking about straight up being bored and wanting to change partners. That's a legit reason for many people).

IMO, that's a valid perspective and I've seen a lot of people who support it. The operative equation is the meeting of the minds in a particular relationship. If the partners are equal in perspective regarding 'giving up too easily', and believe relationships are work and effort, then their minds will meet on such matters. If not, not.

 

Essentially, relationships are always voluntary and a choice. If minds don't meet, the relationship ends. This can happen at any moment, or never. It's unknown. Only way to find out is to take the risk and go with what one knows when they know it and expect that knowledge to change throughout life.

[Frank2thepoint]

Don't worry Frank - you can carry on farting and scratching your balls... It doesn't bother me. Unless you do it in front of my mother...

 

I also slap my own ass to remind me how tight my buns are from the bicycling I do.

[Toodaloo]

I also slap my own ass to remind me how tight my buns are from the bicycling I do.

 

Well you know who to call for a second opinion!

 

Did I tell you I saw a cyclist with THE most gorgeous behind the other day... He was in those tight shorts and I was so busy watching his rear that I didn't realise I was holding up about 15 cars behind me!

 

Oh the view...

 

I also drove into the side of the road as I was still looking as I passed by...

 

All I could think was "Lunch"...

 

Perhaps I should put "Must be a cyclist and have tight buns" instead of must be 6ft2 on my profile!!!

[Male]

Dealbreakers about core values is fine.

 

When you have dealbreakers about trivial stuff. . . must be a certain height, have a certain hair color, pursue certain hobbies etc. . . . then the dealbreakers are more road blocks.

 

Exactly!

 

And I am a firm believer that due to the internet, social media, dating apps, and dating sites, that people (especially women) are adding more deal breakers to their list. Many women that utilize the above tools know that they are sought after by men, and they can be more picky by adding more deal breakers.

[oldshirt]

Exactly!

 

And I am a firm believer that due to the internet, social media, dating apps, and dating sites, that people (especially women) are adding more deal breakers to their list. Many women that utilize the above tools know that they are sought after by men, and they can be more picky by adding more deal breakers.

 

There's definately some truth to that.

 

There are also many demographic and sociological changes taking place.

 

Today men in the 18-30 year old range outnumber women. In past generations great wars killed off many young men.

 

In the years between the civil war and world war II, there weren't men to go around and the concept of the "old maid" was a common thing.

 

Alcoholism and unemployment/underemployment were rampant in men.

 

In our great grandparents era a man that was sober and had a livable income was a fine catch and the envy of many old maids and women yoked to alcoholics.

 

In today's world, simply being a decent, employed and reasonably sobor man is not good enough to stand up to the competition of the other men.

 

Today the number of involuntarily unattached men probably outrank the number of involuntarily unattached women for what is probably the first time in history.

 

In our grandmother's day, the concern of mothers and grandmothers was whether their daughters would be able to marry and have a family and the pressure was on women to be up to par in order to attract a man.

 

Going into the future, that focus will need to shift to give men the skills and traits and characteristics to be able to attract and and hold on to a woman long enough to marry and have a family.

[NewLeaf512]

I have (very) limited experience with dating but here is my list

 

 

1. Married or separated (because separated is still married)

2. not an ex-convict (not that I have ever met one but still)

3. bigotry in any form

4. Lying

5. alcoholism/drug addiction

6. anger/ aggressive/ physically violent

7. doesn't work (even if affluent should do volunteer work)

8. mean, thoughtless, bad manners

9. rigid, not open to new ideas

10. doesn't respect me ( I give respect I need it in return)

[DrReplyInRhymes]

1) She has no girlfriends, or just one too few,

2) She has one too many guyfriends, most looking for a screw,

3) She isn't intelligent, hard to talk to and converse,

4) She lives too far away, not looking to traverse,

5) She doesn't have any money, not looking to be a daddy,

6) She doesn't have a job, not looking to be her caddy,

7) She has a dull sense of humor, makes it hard to go out and mingle,

8) She has a low sex drive, if I wanted to masturbate, I'd of stayed single

[autumnnight]

The must have lists are as varied as there are people. What blows my mind these days is the....seeming expectation that everything must be easy and must not cost anything. (I'm not talking money)

 

If they have kids, nope. If they have been cheated on, nope. If they have been hurt, nope. If they have depression, nope. If they have hay fever, nope.

 

We all seem to want a perfectly happy, perfectly healthy, zero baggage model who will never ask anything of us, have no expectations, and want to satisfy our every whim and give us space when we want it. We want the relationships to have no bumps, no surprises, and to take as little effort as possible.

 

That to me is just....sad.

 

Whatever happened to in sickness and in health, for better or for worse....

[DrReplyInRhymes]

The must have lists are as varied as there are people. What blows my mind these days is the....seeming expectation that everything must be easy and must not cost anything. (I'm not talking money)

 

If they have kids, nope. If they have been cheated on, nope. If they have been hurt, nope. If they have depression, nope. If they have hay fever, nope.

 

We all seem to want a perfectly happy, perfectly healthy, zero baggage model who will never ask anything of us, have no expectations, and want to satisfy our every whim and give us space when we want it. We want the relationships to have no bumps, no surprises, and to take as little effort as possible.

 

That to me is just....sad.

 

Whatever happened to in sickness and in health, for better or for worse....

 

I wholeheartedly understand and believe in what you've said,

But this is dealbreakers for relationships, before the marriage part instead,

My list is based off relationships I've had, and what actually went wrong!

If I had any musical talent, ****, I could probably turn it into a song!

 

In either case, I like to think that if you married your crush,

Then you'd do anything to keep that marriage going, the end shouldn't rush,

In sickness and in health, I'd be there for my wife.

But stressful relationships? Good luck getting the wife part of my life!

[autumnnight]

First, I love the rhymes.

 

Second, point taken. In the initial stages of meeting or dating, it is WISE to have some dealbreakers. And I know I SHOULDN'T judge other people's dealbreakers, but yeah....I do. Guilty.

 

If someone says a-cups are a dealbreaker or having been imperfect is a dealbreaker or taking medication for a legitimate illness is a dealbreaker, I DO think less of their....depth. I'll own that.

 

And that is probably because I am imperfect and I have taken medication for a legitimate illness. But I'm bigger than an A cup so maybe there's hope

[newmoon]

i forget the name of the book i read this in, but you're only supposed to have 3 dealbreakers. a very short dealbreaker list is supposed to force you to look at the things that really count, and not concentrate on the minor things that couples can generally overcome. too many people use up dealbreakers on things like "must like my taste in music," "must want to travel" and other things that are very easily changed once you start a relationship with someone. i think even height was a wasted dealbreaker, and so was single, because that should be a given. dealbreakers were things that cannot be overcome without huge effort, like religion, wanting/not wanting kids, etc. so i only have three now and they are huge lifestyle ones, not minor stuff. most things can get worked out. i read through some of the lists already and yeah, you guys have too many that are kinda useless :-) they become self-sabotaging lists

[Tayla]

deal breakers are the guidelines for sustaining balance.

 

Thank you to some folks on sharing their standards! I sincerely mean that.

As a recovering drug addict/alcoholic, I accept that people deserve to step away from such. We did such harm in our lives and to those of others. I can respect someone saying they don't want that again. Where I Differ though is, with recovery came a whole world of changes. This included acceptance and tolerance. You validate that some times people will go on your past and not see the person you are today...Never thought I was someones dealbreaker til I read some things here...wow...the humility in understanding that concept. Appreciate seeing it from varying perspectives (sincerely).

[almond]

It's not up to me to decide whether others have too many deal breakers (excluding those that are incredibly shallow, materialistic, narcissistic etc), as now that I think about it, I have plenty of dealbreakers of my own. However, all of those fall into only two categories.

 

My deal breakers are things that I have determined will mentally (eg. aggression), emotionally (eg. neglect), or financially (eg. reckless spending habits) damage me. I will not compromise on those, and will not allow that into my life.

 

The other category are things that will make me lose respect for my partner. Examples are things such as homophobia, racism, cruelty to animals, disrespects their family/my family/friends/strangers and so on.

 

I will not start a relationship with a person that shows characteristics or issues that I know will damage me, either directly or indirectly. I must be able to respect my partner. All of that is not negotiable.

 

Everything outside of this I would evaluate case by case, judging the overall picture.

 

Personally, I think there are too many people that don't have enough deal breakers, or have the wrong ones. I hear of so many people being disrespected, neglected and abused. I see so many people miserable and unable or unwilling to leave and find better. People need to know their worth, and know what they need to be happy.

[autumnnight]

As a general rule, I do not make unchangeables dealbreakers. Here is what I mean - a man who is 5'8" is shorter than me. He cannot choose his height. His height alone would not be a dealbreaker for me because I would personally feel that is not fair. A man has diabetes. He didn't ask for diabetes (Type 1), and providing he takes care of himself, I would not see that in itself as a dealbreaker. Same goes with other illnesses depending on the ability to live and function. For example, if he is in a permanent coma....uh, no. Obviously that won't work. But clinical depression for which he takes meds and has regular therapy and is coping well? Nope, not a dealbreaker in itself.

 

I also tend to see people as they ARE and not as they WERE. He cheated on his girlfriend 10 years ago but has learned and changed? That isn't a dealbreaker because...he has learned and changed and is not that man anymore. His past does NOT affect his present unless I choose to go there. However, if he was convicted of rape 10 years ago? That is different. That is a criminal conviction that will affect his ability to be employed, make a living, etc. AND that is a violent crime. If he was convicted of....having a bag of weed in college? That is not necessarily a dealbreaker.

 

Honesty, good work ethic, humor, emotional and intellectual intelligence, kindness, and a good healthy sex drive - those are all must haves for me.