Jump to content

Is getting strong crushes normal in LTRs/marriage?


Recommended Posts

Eternal Sunshine

I have noticed this trend in some LTR couples I have known for years. Not all, or even most but a few and it's kind of disturbing.

 

One of the people in the couple seems to put up with more and is mostly taken for granted. The other person just coasts along and enjoys the support of a loving partner without much effort. That person will also have intense infatuations with other people.

 

An example: a male friend of mine is married to a wife that is crazy about him and always completely accommodating. New beautiful girl A enters our social circle. He gets a crush on her and it's obvious to everyone except his wife (or she hides it well at least). Girl A enjoys the attention but is not that into him. Meanwhile he neglects the wife and spends 1-1 time with girl A, texts her all day long and even when his wife is around in social settings, he will ignore the wife and chat/flirt with girl A. I don't beleive anything physical ever happened but this went on for months.

 

Eventually, girl A started dating someone and blowing him off. When it was obvious that she is no longer even into the friendship, the guy did 360 with the wife. Suddenly, he posts over the top proclamations of love on social media, is all over the wife with PDAs etc. The wife is over the moon.....

 

Then girl B enters the scene...rinse repeat.

 

I have seen women do the same with husbands being taken for granted.

 

Say if nothing physical happens is this sort of thing OK in LTRs/marriage?

 

Are these people just waiting until someone they are infatuated with reciprocates to put an end to the primary relationship?

 

It's almost like these people have all the benefits of the relationship but still feel free to pursue people they find attractive under the guise of "friendship"...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Strong crushes, not so much. Over the years in LTRs & in my marriage there might be someone I see or even interact with once in a while that I can acknowledge to myself with a secret smile is handsome / sexy but it's certainly not serious & the person is rarely better than my SO, now DH

Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a strong crush/friendship with my ex-wifes sister for all of our marriage because she wasn't such an uptight demanding B----! Sigh if I only knew then what I know now, I would have cheated with the sis for sure

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not normal in a healthy relationship. There's a lot of unhealthy relationships out there though...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh yeah, gotta love these "types"...

 

They are in miserable, unhappy, unsatisfied, etc marriages and/or RLs yet will never give up "home base"...

 

So, they venture out and flirt, play games, etc to fill their little egos (usually at the expense of other's feelings) and go back and hide under a rock with their SO (tail between legs and all) when either the people they are playing with get fed up of their games and/or the person they "thought" had the hots for them had no interest whatsoever.

 

Why do they do it?

 

It could be either their SO is too good to them and they are bored and/or taking them for granted. It could be that they are not being treated right by their SO and/or not interested in their SO, but to scared/comfortable to leave "home base"....And/or they simply are "dogs" with low self-esteem and need their little egos to constantly be stroked by seeking out attention/validation from everyone.

 

I hope one day a bird goes poop on their heads for f-ing around with other people when they KNOW they have no intention of leaving "home base".

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have noticed this trend in some LTR couples I have known for years. Not all, or even most but a few and it's kind of disturbing.

 

One of the people in the couple seems to put up with more and is mostly taken for granted. The other person just coasts along and enjoys the support of a loving partner without much effort. That person will also have intense infatuations with other people.

 

An example: a male friend of mine is married to a wife that is crazy about him and always completely accommodating. New beautiful girl A enters our social circle. He gets a crush on her and it's obvious to everyone except his wife (or she hides it well at least). Girl A enjoys the attention but is not that into him. Meanwhile he neglects the wife and spends 1-1 time with girl A, texts her all day long and even when his wife is around in social settings, he will ignore the wife and chat/flirt with girl A. I don't beleive anything physical ever happened but this went on for months.

 

Eventually, girl A started dating someone and blowing him off. When it was obvious that she is no longer even into the friendship, the guy did 360 with the wife. Suddenly, he posts over the top proclamations of love on social media, is all over the wife with PDAs etc. The wife is over the moon.....

 

Then girl B enters the scene...rinse repeat.

 

I have seen women do the same with husbands being taken for granted.

 

Say if nothing physical happens is this sort of thing OK in LTRs/marriage?

 

Are these people just waiting until someone they are infatuated with reciprocates to put an end to the primary relationship?

 

It's almost like these people have all the benefits of the relationship but still feel free to pursue people they find attractive under the guise of "friendship"...

 

I wouldn't consider this normal.

 

This guy's behavior is pretty inappropriate esp if he constantly does it and it's so obvious that you, an outsider, can see it, and even knows he's texting this woman all day and so forth. That's not standard marital behavior IMO.

 

Of course you get crushes when married or in LTR. I haven't been married or in any very LTRs but even from just being in relationships, in the very beginning I have tunnel vision, but overtime I may see other people that I think are charming or cute and I would call it a "fake crush," i.e. it's not anything I would ever pursue or that actually is deeply embedded in my thoughts. I cannot imagine being married and constantly developing "strong crushes" on other men to the point of texting them all day and spending alone time with them, that's so inappropriate and is the classic prelude to an affair, it seems these things never escalate only because the women aren't interested, but what if he did meet someone who was lapping it up and it was reciprocated, then what? Crushes in relationships for me are like porn, relegated to the realm of fantasy, something I might enjoy thinking about, but wouldn't act on in real life or jeopardize my actual relationship over.

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it's normal or acceptable to have a serious crush like that in a LTR/marriage. I find minor crushes like celebs okay (the kind that occupies maybe 0.00001% of your time and headspace and that would never be acted on), but what you describe seriously violates boundaries.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think crushes can happen in regards to attraction to others. I think that is quite common. What you do with it and how much you feed it, are transparent on it, etc. is the key piece.

Link to post
Share on other sites
understand50

I think it is normal to fall in and out of "lust" during you life. You just have to remember you are married and not do anything about it. I always viewed this a just part of life. I also remembered, that the object of my "lust" may not want any advances. Keeping and knowing that this was just that "lust", also kept me from having become anything more that a fantasy.

 

As for what the OP posted, that husband is out of line, as he should not be engaging his crush and neglecting his wife. This is a EA, and at that point could and will lead to a PA at some time. My wife and I have always had a look but do not touch policy, we also tended to let each other know if we felt lust for someone else. I guess the difference between myself and the husband in question, is I would just acknowledge that I found them attractive, and then leave it at that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...