My wifes sex phase before me.

[Jake1979]

To get down to it. I love my wife more than anything. 100% sure of her. I also know she'd never cheat. However, I'm really bothered by a sex phase she had before we reconnected (friends in college over 10 years ago). I don't give a damn about her relationships. They don't bother me whatsoever. I mean that. However, I do obsess about this two and a half year period she went through where she had three f**k buddies. They were all friends she knew already and it was in her words "purely physical". She stopped on the third one. I'm not positive but I think she began feeling bad about what she was doing. Apparently guilt might've kicked in. In fact she felt that she had to make a deal with herself to never have sex again until she met her husband. She stayed abstinent for almost a year until I came along. I'm happy as hell to say I was that guy! She was never sleeping with them simultaneously. They all came in stages. And two of them she tells me lasted only a couple months with the third about six. Now before you all tar and feather me for being judgmental let me explain. I have never had a f**k buddy. I know this is irrational jealousy and I shouldn't care. I am seeing a therapist (seems to help). And finally she volunteered this information to me. I was not seeking it. I want to know if what I'm feeling is normal. Will this hollow feeling fade over time? And if anyone has been through retroactive jealousy before and succeeded please write me back. I need to believe I'll get through this. I need to believe I'll be happy again. Please help and don't chastise me for telling the truth about how I feel. I think what's really bothering me is the fact that her sex life is so colorful and mine is so black/white and sadly minimal....until now. Please help.

[Gloria25]

Ok, I get where your wife looked back on those indiscretions and wanted to clean up her act, but if she's giving you black and white sex and was more "colorful" with past guys one of two things are happening:

 

-Either she equates "great sex" with being "nasty" and "dirty" and since she decided to clean up her act, she's only gonna have "vanilla" sex from this point forward

 

-She's pulling the typical "bait and switch" where she has issues about herself and/or sex and is gonna punish you, the only guy to show her respect and affection and love. Funny how some people are. They caved in and got naked when pressured by other guys and now that they found someone who is nice to them, they wanna walk all over them.

 

Either way, she probably needs to join the therapy with you and you two need to raise what your expectations are in the bedroom and she needs to address why/how her attitude towards sex has flipped.

[autumnnight]

If she lied about it to you, then you need to address the lies.

 

If she did not, then respectfully, this is YOUR problem. Get over it.

[CarrieT]

If she did not, then respectfully, this is YOUR problem. Get over it.

^ ^ THIS !! ^ ^

 

Seriously, Dude. Your wife didn't know you and - as a healthy human being - isn't permitted to just enjoy sex for what it is without guilt?

 

Did you expect to marry a chaste virgin or something?

[Jake1979]

Ok, I get where your wife looked back on those indiscretions and wanted to clean up her act, but if she's giving you black and white sex and was more "colorful" with past guys one of two things are happening:

 

-Either she equates "great sex" with being "nasty" and "dirty" and since she decided to clean up her act, she's only gonna have "vanilla" sex from this point forward

 

-She's pulling the typical "bait and switch" where she has issues about herself and/or sex and is gonna punish you, the only guy to show her respect and affection and love. Funny how some people are. They caved in and got naked when pressured by other guys and now that they found someone who is nice to them, they wanna walk all over them.

 

Either way, she probably needs to join the therapy with you and you two need to raise what your expectations are in the bedroom and she needs to address why/how her attitude towards sex has flipped.

 

We're off a bit. Our sex life is amazing. I've never had better sex in my entire life. However, I'm just concerned about her sex buddies of the past. It makes me question her morality.

[CarrieT]

It makes me question her morality.

Why is enjoying sex a moral issue?

 

In its descriptive sense, "morality" refers to personal or cultural values, codes of conduct or social mores. It does not connote objective claims of right or wrong, but only refers to that which is considered right or wrong.

 

Is there something inherently wrong with enjoying sex? Or is it enjoying it outside of a committed relationship that is objectionable to you? It wasn't like she was cheating on anyone.

[MrNate 2.0]

I think what's really bothering me is the fact that her sex life is so colorful and mine is so black/white and sadly minimal....until now. Please help.

 

Here we go. Now we're down to the crux of the issue. You also get props for actually admitting this.

 

A lot of people tend to hide behind 'morality' and all these other things to justify their jealousy, and I encourage you not to.

 

Let's just call a spade a spade: You're jealous of the fact your lover had a more colorful sexual history than you. That's it.

 

Now, granted, you could take that a couple of ways. For a woman, yes, penis will often be in high supply, while the cost of obtaining it is low. The opposite will usually hold true for a man. There's a similar supply of women out there, but the cost of obtaining it is higher. (You have to approach, be presentable, lead the conversations, compete with other men, etc.)

 

So on average, few men do well, while many do average. For women many do well, and many do very well. The men can do very well too, but as you know, the effort required is more.

 

So I guess the question is, what will you do? Is your envy of your wife's history understandable? Sure. Is she worth leaving over this? I don't know. Only you can answer that. If you found her attractive enough to marry, hopeful you will seek the means to work through it.

 

This is yet another reminder why I will encourage men work on having a more diverse sex life and date less. It seems this retroactive jealousy thing is always coming one way.

[deadelvis]

Why is enjoying sex a moral issue?

 

In its descriptive sense, "morality" refers to personal or cultural values, codes of conduct or social mores. It does not connote objective claims of right or wrong, but only refers to that which is considered right or wrong.

 

Is there something inherently wrong with enjoying sex? Or is it enjoying it outside of a committed relationship that is objectionable to you? It wasn't like she was cheating on anyone.

 

Yes, however we are all entitled to our own moral standards for a partner. Some people will not want to date someone with a criminal record, financial debts etc. dating someone with a conflicting set of sexual values is no different. I've had women refuse to date me because of my past, particularly my history with drugs and sex. Those women were perfectly within their right to decide they don't want to pursue a relationship with me because of my past. Similarly (no offense) but I don't think I would be able to date someone with a history like yours CarrieT. It's not about either person being good or bad, just conflicting values. I don't expect a Christian girl from the bible-belt to be comfortable with my past. It doesn't make them or myself any better or worse than each other, just incompatible. It's okay to have your own moral standards, whatever they might be.

[deadelvis]

Here we go. Now we're down to the crux of the issue. You also get props for actually admitting this.

 

A lot of people tend to hide behind 'morality' and all these other things to justify their jealousy, and I encourage you not to.

 

Let's just call a spade a spade: You're jealous of the fact your lover had a more colorful sexual history than you. That's it.

 

Now, granted, you could take that a couple of ways. For a woman, yes, penis will often be in high supply, while the cost of obtaining it is low. The opposite will usually hold true for a man. There's a similar supply of women out there, but the cost of obtaining it is higher. (You have to approach, be presentable, lead the conversations, compete with other men, etc.)

 

So on average, few men do well, while many do average. For women many do well, and many do very well. The men can do very well too, but as you know, the effort required is more.

 

So I guess the question is, what will you do? Is your envy of your wife's history understandable? Sure. Is she worth leaving over this? I don't know. Only you can answer that. If you found her attractive enough to marry, hopeful you will seek the means to work through it.

 

This is yet another reminder why I will encourage men work on having a more diverse sex life and date less. It seems this retroactive jealousy thing is always coming one way.

 

There is a difference between retroactive jealousy and conflicting values. It's important to determine which of those is the issue before making any assumptions about a solution. The books on "dealing with retroactive jealousy" all state that on page one.

[Jake1979]

Here we go. Now we're down to the crux of the issue. You also get props for actually admitting this.

 

A lot of people tend to hide behind 'morality' and all these other things to justify their jealousy, and I encourage you not to.

 

Let's just call a spade a spade: You're jealous of the fact your lover had a more colorful sexual history than you. That's it.

 

Now, granted, you could take that a couple of ways. For a woman, yes, penis will often be in high supply, while the cost of obtaining it is low. The opposite will usually hold true for a man. There's a similar supply of women out there, but the cost of obtaining it is higher. (You have to approach, be presentable, lead the conversations, compete with other men, etc.)

 

 

 

 

So on average, few men do well, while many do average. For women many do well, and many do very well. The men can do very well too, but as you know, the effort required is more.

 

So I guess the question is, what will you do? Is your envy of your wife's history understandable? Sure. Is she worth leaving over this? I don't know. Only you can answer that. If you found her attractive enough to marry, hopeful you will seek the means to work through it.

 

This is yet another reminder why I will encourage men work on having a more diverse sex life and date less. It seems this retroactive jealousy thing is always coming one way.

 

Leaving her would be my very last resort. I love her. It's just and ego thing I suppose. I love her and earned her love and her body through this process. It just makes me upset some guy had her in a week and she let it happen. Regardless, she feels bad about this because she quit having sex due to her phase. I just wish she would not have told me. I didn't ask for this pain. I think she knows now that I don't want to hear about her past sex life.

[autumnnight]

Let me ask again: did she hide this from you and lie about it prior to marriage?

 

If she told you before "I do," you had your chance to judge her and bolt then.

 

Get over it.

[Mrin]

Hearing about the people you used to bang before meeting me has made me really love you more and has brought us closer together, said no one ever.

[Jake1979]

Let me ask again: did she hide this from you and lie about it prior to marriage?

 

If she told you before "I do," you had your chance to judge her and bolt then.

 

Get over it.

 

She told me the phase was only one person. Not three.

[Jake1979]

She told me the phase was only one person. Not three.

 

That was before we got married. It turned into 3 on Monday.

[MidwestUSA]

That was before we got married. It turned into 3 on Monday.

 

 

But you did know that she'd had 12 lovers in all, correct? Why does it matter if they were relationships or FWBs, or even ONSes?

 

I think it all comes back to this:

 

"While in college I fell madly in love with a beautiful girl who stole my heart. We went on a couple large group dates, and occasionally made out. We were never a couple though and i never had the guts to tell her I loved her.. Sometimes I hate myself for it."

 

 

You're pissed off that you weren't assertive enough back then, FIFTEEN years ago. This is YOUR problem. Work on it, or lose her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, however we are all entitled to our own moral standards for a partner.

Not in this case, no. The only 'morals' the OP has any right or entitlement to be critical or constructive about - are his own.

 

Some people will not want to date someone with a criminal record, financial debts etc.

Apples and Oranges. Both of the above can have serious social, economic and circumstantial effects on the partner. Having a partner with a criminal history, or who is financially irresponsible are both risky and reckless. They place you in direct line to being connected and seriously affected by the fall-outs....

 

and dating someone with a conflicting set of sexual values is no different.

Yes it is, totally. There is no social, economic or legal impact. It's just 'you' and your own 'hang-ups'...

 

I've had women refuse to date me because of my past, particularly my history with drugs and sex.

Drugs yes. That's a messy, addictive and potentially seedy, or even life-threatening habit, which can also have a financial impact.

Sex? Their problem. What were you 'guilty' of, exactly....?

 

Those women were perfectly within their right to decide they don't want to pursue a relationship with me because of my past.

I disagree. They had every right to decide they didn't want to date you, solely based on their own preferences. Otherwise, they were being judgemental - unless you can justify on their behalf why they had the right to be....

 

Similarly (no offense) but I don't think I would be able to date someone with a history like yours CarrieT. It's not about either person being good or bad, just conflicting values.

No, it's about YOUR values holding hers up to criticism, even though others (like her husband) will not. So the fly in the ointment is entirely in YOUR mind. She has nothing to be sorry for, apologise for or justify. That you could not date her, is entirely your problem, and due to your perception, judgement, prejudice, morals.... call it what you will. Others have had no such issues. Her H is perfectly accepting of her. The fact you're not, says nothing about his preferences, but much about yours....

 

 

I don't expect a Christian girl from the bible-belt to be comfortable with my past. It doesn't make them or myself any better or worse than each other, just incompatible.

Exactly so. But if they're not ok with it, that's a sign of the conditioning and indoctrination they have received. Brought up, educated and steered in different directions, they would have felt differently....

It's okay to have your own moral standards, whatever they might be.

Absolutely. But nobody has any right to hold others up to their own standards and declare them wanting, bad, or worthy of criticism, simply because they don't match up.

Edited August 28, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[road]

To get down to it. I love my wife more than anything. 100% sure of her. I also know she'd never cheat. However, I'm really bothered by a sex phase she had before we reconnected (friends in college over 10 years ago). I don't give a damn about her relationships. They don't bother me whatsoever. I mean that. However, I do obsess about this two and a half year period she went through where she had three f**k buddies. They were all friends she knew already and it was in her words "purely physical". She stopped on the third one. I'm not positive but I think she began feeling bad about what she was doing. Apparently guilt might've kicked in. In fact she felt that she had to make a deal with herself to never have sex again until she met her husband. She stayed abstinent for almost a year until I came along. I'm happy as hell to say I was that guy! She was never sleeping with them simultaneously. They all came in stages. And two of them she tells me lasted only a couple months with the third about six. Now before you all tar and feather me for being judgmental let me explain. I have never had a f**k buddy. I know this is irrational jealousy and I shouldn't care. I am seeing a therapist (seems to help). And finally she volunteered this information to me. I was not seeking it. I want to know if what I'm feeling is normal. Will this hollow feeling fade over time? And if anyone has been through retroactive jealousy before and succeeded please write me back. I need to believe I'll get through this. I need to believe I'll be happy again. Please help and don't chastise me for telling the truth about how I feel. I think what's really bothering me is the fact that her sex life is so colorful and mine is so black/white and sadly minimal....until now. Please help.

 

 

Where a virgin when you married your wife?

[deadelvis]

Not in this case, no. The only 'morals' the OP has any right or entitlement to be critical or constructive about - are his own.

 

You don't think both parties in a relationship have a justified interest in confirming they both adhere a similar set of moral guidelines? To not ensure this moral alignment would almost certainly result in a disastrous relationship where one or both parties feel misled regarding the values and morality of their partner. I'm currently in the process of breaking up with my partner for this exact reason. If we had come forward in the beginning about our values regarding sexuality, we would have either avoided the relationship entirely or proceeded with a more clear understanding of the situation. As things currently stand we're living together and financially intertwined to a point where the separation will be extremely difficult. Perhaps having a more clear and transparent discussion of our sexual practices and morals when we started dating could have avoided this whole situation.

 

Apples and Oranges. Both of the above can have serious social, economic and circumstantial effects on the partner. Having a partner with a criminal history, or who is financially irresponsible are both risky and reckless. They place you in direct line to being connected and seriously affected by the fall-outs....

 

Dating someone with a conflicting set of sexual values does in fact have a social impact. One of the major factors in my crumbling relationship is her "bad reputation" and the social anxiety I feel running into her former sex partners. And in a world where social media is so dominant, social factors extend into different realms and the dynamics of ones sexual history are no longer limited to public events.

 

Yes it is, totally. There is no social, economic or legal impact. It's just 'you' and your own 'hang-ups'...

 

But the point I was trying to make was about judgement. Good or bad, we do in fact judge potential mates based on a wide variety of criteria, and many of those factors are related to our past decisions. It could be argued that not wanting to date someone with a criminal record or financial debts is also just 'you' and your own hang ups. My criminal record has no bearing on my current relationship. And unless we're getting married without a prenup, my financial affairs are nobodies business but my own. See how that works? If a persons past is 'none of your business' then that applies to everything, not just sex.

 

Drugs yes. That's a messy, addictive and potentially seedy, or even life-threatening habit, which can also have a financial impact.

Sex? Their problem. What were you 'guilty' of, exactly....?

 

Say's you. That's your judgement coming into play. Some people think drugs are immoral. Some people think sex before marriage is immoral. i don't think there is anything wrong with either. We are all entitled to decide what we can and will accept in a potential partner.

 

As for my guilt? I've done plenty of things I regret, reckless sexuality, drug abuse, violence, crime... but it's got to be one way or the other. Either it's 'none of your business' what I did in the past and you should 'love me for who I am today' or you are allowed to take a persons past decisions into consideration when deciding if you want to get involved with them. You don't get to pick and choose what aspects of a persons life are 'ok to judge' and which aspects are 'none of your business'. I lay everything out on the table with any potential partner at the very beginning because I don't want to mislead anyone about who I am, and that includes the things I've done in the past. Although for the record I'm a much different person now, but I am still accountable for my life and the choices I've made.

 

I disagree. They had every right to decide they didn't want to date you, solely based on their own preferences. Otherwise, they were being judgemental - unless you can justify on their behalf why they had the right to be....

 

Again we just disagree about this. When I tell women that I was involved in criminal activity and drug use, many choose to walk away. That's their right. To hide that from them would be wrong.

 

No, it's about YOUR values holding hers up to criticism, even though others (like her husband) will not. So the fly in the ointment is entirely in YOUR mind. She has nothing to be sorry for, apologise for or justify. That you could not date her, is entirely your problem, and due to your perception, judgement, prejudice, morals.... call it what you will. Others have had no such issues. Her H is perfectly accepting of her. The fact you're not, says nothing about his preferences, but much about yours....

 

Well that's between her and her husband. All I said is I personally wouldn't want to date someone with a history like hers, I also wouldn't want to date a virgin or someone with religious values. Those are things we do get to decide. If I don't want to date someone who wears white shoes or chews bubble gum that's still within my right. Hell, even if I decide I don't want to date anyone who has ever chewed bubble gum, that's still my choice to make. It's okay to choose your partner based on your own values.

 

Exactly so. But if they're not ok with it, that's a sign of the conditioning and indoctrination they have received. Brought up, educated and steered in different directions, they would have felt differently....

 

Again, people are entitled to their own beliefs. Most of the world is religious in some way. Those religious folks wouldn't want to date me and similarly I wouldn't want to date them. There's nothing wrong with that. We're all conditioned and indoctrinated by everything from our parents and family to the ideas people are sharing on this forum. We are all conditioned in different ways based on our lives and upbringing. This is just an inescapable fact.

 

Absolutely. But nobody has any right to hold others up to their own standards and declare them wanting, bad, or worthy of criticism, simply because they don't match up.

 

Unless you are considering getting involved in a relationship with the person in question, then you would be extremely reckless not to take those standards into consideration.

 

responses in bold

[autumnnight]

That was before we got married. It turned into 3 on Monday.

 

Then you have a choice. Divorce her because of the 2 men she slept with before you married, meaning that lie eclipses the years of your marraige.

 

Stay married because the years or your marriage and her faithfulness now is more important.

 

If you take the second choice, then CHOOSE to get over it.

 

If you cannot get over it - do HER a favor and leave.

 

Or...stay, stew, and commiserate with the other men who like having the moral high ground over their wives....there's plenty out there.

[MidwestUSA]

Then you have a choice. Divorce her because of the 2 men she slept with before you married, meaning that lie eclipses the years of your marraige.

 

 

He knew she'd had 12 lovers. I wonder if the problem is that just now he's finding out 3 of them were FWBs.

 

Perhaps he can clarify.

[autumnnight]

He knew she'd had 12 lovers. I wonder if the problem is that just now he's finding out 3 of them were FWBs.

 

Perhaps he can clarify.

 

Ahhh....in that case, if he already knew the real number, then he just needs to get over it or set her free. I can't abide this retroactive wife punishment thing that seems to be all the rage these days....

[Satu]

I always find it sad when someone throws away the present because of a past that is dead and gone.

 

It's such a waste.

[loveflower]

Where a virgin when you married your wife?

 

yes, if that's the case, that's pretty imbalance and sexual value incompatibility.

[RecentChange]

We're off a bit. Our sex life is amazing. I've never had better sex in my entire life. However, I'm just concerned about her sex buddies of the past. It makes me question her morality.

 

So, what are you looking for? What do you want to do? I agree with others that it is largely your hang up / issue - you mentioned counseling is helping? I would continue with that.

 

I do find the fact that it causes you to question her morality troubling - as this is an area you two should be on the same page.

 

You said she stopped because of "guilt"? Did she say that, or did you assume that?

 

I am coming from the perspective of a female, that, like your wife, had a "colorful" past, and ended up committed to a man, who while doesn't share morals with you (didn't see a problem with causal sex) he had certainly not "been around the block" like I had.

 

And honestly, the differences in our experiences HAS lead to some bumps in our relationship over the years (14+).

 

He ended up cheating... The reasons were many, but he did questions about not "sowing his wild oats" and not playing the field etc before setting down.

 

And... I have cheated - while I had my "colorful" period before I met him, there is something about F' buddy sex that I love. For me its a different animal than "relationship" sex for a variety of reasons.

 

So, maybe she does share morals with you, and felt guilty about unattached sex and stopped.... or maybe you two just do not see eye to eye when it comes to the importance of having a relationship with someone before enjoying sex with them.

 

And a last "poke" (sorry) you said its the best sex YOU have ever had.... what about her?

[autumnnight]

yes, if that's the case, that's pretty imbalance and sexual value incompatibility.

 

Which he knew before he married her. So no, it is not a valid argument AFTER that fact.

 

What is with this trend?