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I just dont understand why I cant get a date with just a regular normal woman, that has a stable lifestyle. I dont even care if it doesnt work out. I just want to meet a woman on the same level as me(In her 40's, a job, a residence, no major financial issues, no baggage, etc).

 

Instead, the only women that ever seem to reply are ones that dont have a job, or those ones that take 1 college course a year and just "cant get hired anywhere", or the ones that just moved here a week ago and are looking to "start over".

 

Now I understand the above scenarios can have positive outcomes. But talking with the women that I talk with from the dating site for only 15 mins, you can tell they lack structure and just basic skills to either get a job or stay employed. The most popular seems to be the women that just moved to the area, and have no job, no prospects, and no clue...yet their profile says otherwise. They always have the same response when questioned..."Oh yea that was my old job when I lived in Florida last year, I didnt update my profile yet".

 

Now if you moved because of a job or career change than obviously thats different. But where I live there just seems to be an abundance of women that just moved to the area, or have some other excuse why they arent working.

 

If you just moved to a new town, and you have no job, with nothing lined up yet, should online dating really be on your list of priorities????

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Welcome to my hell...

 

On OLD, lots of "musicians" and/or guys who appear to not have a job and/or profession...worst, they are "420 friendly" on top of that.

 

Not to diss singles - cuz I'm one...but seems the people with their crap together get swooped up fast and the leftovers got issues. Now and then you'll find a diamond in the rough, but you gotta do some serious mining to run across one.

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It depends how much you expect of a woman. If financial stability is one thing, fair enough, but no baggage is tall order for women in your age group. Most will have had previous relationships and some will have children. So seeking a woman with no baggage will reduce your options.

 

Having said the above, the women you have been in contact with sound more like scammers. Scammers tend to be working and/or living in different places. Or they could of course simply be women who have moved around a lot, are fairly transient, and may have reasons why they have been that way. Some may genuinely be moving for work and a better life; others may be moving because they can't retain a job or get into some other difficulties that mean they have to move on. I can understand your wariness about transient people.

 

If whoever you are talking to does not have a job - and sometimes people do fall on hard times despite their efforts - perhaps what matters more is their attitude to work and what they are trying/intend to do.

 

Do you tend to be attracted to exciting or adventurous-looking women? If so, maybe the price of their adventurousness is instability. Maybe you should consider the more staid and responsible women. They might not offer excitement at first glance but that's probably because they are busy meeting their responsibilities. They may well wish to meet a guy they can have fun with as well.

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Not to diss singles - cuz I'm one...but seems the people with their crap together get swooped up fast and the leftovers got issues.

 

In my situation they arent getting swooped up fast, they just dont respond. It seems the only ones that ever respond are the ones that I mentioned in my original post.

 

 

It depends how much you expect of a woman. If financial stability is one thing, fair enough, but no baggage is tall order for women in your age group. Most will have had previous relationships and some will have children. So seeking a woman with no baggage will reduce your options.

 

I should have worded that differently. I dont mean baggage as in kids, I mean as in "issues" that pop-up once you get to know them...like oh I owe $25,000 in credit cards, or I forgot to tell you this isnt my car its my ex boyfriends and we share it, crap like that.

 

 

 

I can understand your wariness about transient people.

 

Do you tend to be attracted to exciting or adventurous-looking women? If so, maybe the price of their adventurousness is instability. Maybe you should consider the more staid and responsible women. They might not offer excitement at first glance but that's probably because they are busy meeting their responsibilities. They may well wish to meet a guy they can have fun with as well.

 

 

I am very leery of women that move around a lot from state to state, and have no prospect or no interview lined up when they get here. To me it seems like they are running from a past, or bills, or something.

 

Its not like I'm being extra picky...I just want to meet someone that has stability. It seems as if many women(from my experience) refuse to meet guys on the same level as them, they seem to only want guys that are 2 to 3 notches up as far as job, income, what area of town they live in, etc. The women below me that cant get their lives together see me as a great catch, but women at my level see me as not good enough.

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...I just want to meet a woman on the same level as me(In her 40's, a job, a residence, no major financial issues, no baggage, etc)...

If you just moved to a new town, and you have no job, with nothing lined up yet, should online dating really be on your list of priorities????

 

OOOOoooo...so close. All these things, butttttttt 55. :lmao:

 

 

When I first moved to this town 4 years ago, newly single, job-less, and not knowing a soul, I joined some online dating sites. I had enough money squirreled away that I could afford to pay my way, but my top priority was finding a job; finding a job was my 8-hour (at least) a day job.

 

I did feel uncomfortable when going on first-dates and having to explain why I wasn't working. After telling the story upwards of 20 times, even I began doubting it and didn't like the way it sounded. I also didn't much like who I was, unemployed; a lot of my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth come from my ability to 'command a paycheck'.

 

I ended up meeting someone about 4 months after moving here that I did get semi-serious with, and he was fine with the fact that I wasn't yet working; he'd fill my down times with going places and doing things, just to get my mind off my unfruitful job hunt.

 

*Oddly* enough, we ended up breaking up shortly after I did finally get a job. His friends and family told him (and convinced him), "You know...once she does get a job, she's not going to want YOU anymore." And, he believed them. He got really, really weird when I was now spending 8-10 hours a day, working; it had nothing to do with worrying that I'd get involved with co-workers, as I have none. He just didn't like the fact that I now had money coming in AND was no longer available to play with him all day, every day.

 

He ended up making it a self-fulfilling prophecy; I *dumped* him less than 2 months after going back to work just because I got sick of his sullen, pouting ways when we would spend time together. :(

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Mix it up. Try things other than OLD.

 

If I am remembering correctly, you like in a big city like Chicago. If that is the case, try something like It's Just Lunch. It's a matchmaking service that fixes you up on lunch dates . . . hi intensity (you go straight to the meet) but low commitment because everybody only has a limited time (usually 1 hour) for lunch.

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Mix it up. Try things other than OLD.

 

If I am remembering correctly, you like in a big city like Chicago. If that is the case, try something like It's Just Lunch. It's a matchmaking service that fixes you up on lunch dates . . . hi intensity (you go straight to the meet) but low commitment because everybody only has a limited time (usually 1 hour) for lunch.

 

No, I live in a small suburb in Ohio. Over an hour away from any metro area. A conservative, outdated, area, where people are stuck in the 80's, and resist change. Almost like a bible-belt type environment, where the main profession for many women is getting married right out of high school and popping out babies.

 

A guy my age with no kids is looked down upon by women in this area. They assume there must be something wrong with me. Thank god at least I was married once. Never married and no kids...that is absolute dating suicide for a guy in his 40's.

 

For some reason the women in my area have a different perception of what type of guy they want. If you got a map and drew a circle around where I live, that extended out one hour in every direction, pretty much all the women within that circle ignore me, and show no interest in me as far as dating goes. But women outside that circle, and farther, see absolutely nothing wrong with me, and I've received many compliments on my looks, and offers to meet. And the thing thats even crazier, is that the women that compliment me tend to be much more attractive, independent women. Whereas the women that live nearby, the ones that think I'm not good enough for them, are typically less attractive, have baggage, part time job at best, but think they are gods gift. Its as if the women in my area live in a bubble, and dont realize that they arent as great as they think they are. Maybe its the old high school clique mentality still alive and well in their mind. Thinking they are still that 17 yr old hot girl that turned heads, idk.

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For some reason the women in my area have a different perception of what type of guy they want. If you got a map and drew a circle around where I live, that extended out one hour in every direction, pretty much all the women within that circle ignore me, and show no interest in me as far as dating goes. But women outside that circle, and farther, see absolutely nothing wrong with me, and I've received many compliments on my looks, and offers to meet.

 

Why are you limiting yourself to women who live less than an hour away then?

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Why are you limiting yourself to women who live less than an hour away then?

 

Because I dont want to get into a long distance relationship. With work and other things I dont really have the time and dont want to be driving back and forth all the time.

 

To add more evidence to the situation with women in this area, the few women that have decided to meet me for a date, turned out to have moved to this area. They even acted much nicer and polite compared to the "locals" that have grown up here. They also agreed to meet in person quickly as to not waste time texting and messaging back and forth if things didnt pan out.

 

I just dont understand how so many women from the same geographic location can have the same mindset towards men and dating. It's obviously (directly or indirectly) instilled in them through friends and family as they grew up??

Edited by Male
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You say you live over an hour away from a metro area. Based on where your job is located, can you move any closer to a metro area and still have a reasonable commute? Then the distance to the dating might not be so bad.

 

 

Can you get a job or at least look for one in a more metro area?

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You say you live over an hour away from a metro area. Based on where your job is located, can you move any closer to a metro area and still have a reasonable commute? Then the distance to the dating might not be so bad.

 

 

Can you get a job or at least look for one in a more metro area?

 

I'm been contemplating all of that but havent made up my mind yet.

 

This whole issue isn't really centered around my desire to get a date, but more so my utter amazement that an entire group of women that dont know each other can all have the same taste in men.

 

I'm a very analytical type guy. I can get engrossed by some situations and try to dissect them to the fullest extent.

 

Have any of you have ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George finds out that a beautiful woman is dating a guy that looks like him? He becomes engrossed in finding out how in the world the guy got such a woman, that he is totally oblivious to the fact that the woman wants him. That is sort of my mentality at times lol.

 

A few clips from the episode....

 

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It seems as if many women(from my experience) refuse to meet guys on the same level as them, they seem to only want guys that are 2 to 3 notches up as far as job, income, what area of town they live in, etc. The women below me that cant get their lives together see me as a great catch, but women at my level see me as not good enough.

 

I think it is probably to do with the options that are available, if all women of a certain level in your area are acting the same.

I guess the ones "at your level", can have their pick of guys who are 2-3 notches ahead and are therefore discounting you as an option.

I also guess the more beautiful ones and ones with even more to offer, are pitching at men even higher up the scale.

In your area the girls who are interested in you are those who know that those men 2 notches up are out of their league, so they pitch at you.

 

Those good looking girls from out of town are just unaware of that particular area league table, they do not know they could be pitching at guys 3-4+ notches up, YET...

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Yup, small town dating, unless firmly entrenched into the social milieu, can be a ball-buster.

 

I recall, many years ago, not even having the criteria you do, OP, because I simply couldn't find any single women, at all, regardless of all that 'stuff'. It was so bad that I ended up competing with other men for married women in marriages they were thinking of leaving. Why did my exW have a live-in boyfriend before we were divorced? Heh! :D Normal!

 

However, as you noted, diversity from distance brings more options. I ended up taking that to an extreme and had some really satisfying life experiences. IMO, decide what's important to you and go with that. Since you've been married (me too), you know the good, bad and ugly of that. Sex? Companionship? What's your milieu? What are your life plans and goals? People come and go, even, as we've both found out, marital partners. Part of life. Look at the overall picture of where you are and where you want to be, make a decision and move forward. Good luck!

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It's going to be incredibly difficult to find a woman in her 40s who has no baggage. If a woman is in her 40s and is single it's a fair bet she has some type of baggage leftover from previous relationships. You think that your expectations are very simple, but in reality they aren't, not for the age group you specify.

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I think it is probably to do with the options that are available, if all women of a certain level in your area are acting the same.

I guess the ones "at your level", can have their pick of guys who are 2-3 notches ahead and are therefore discounting you as an option.

I also guess the more beautiful ones and ones with even more to offer, are pitching at men even higher up the scale.

In your area the girls who are interested in you are those who know that those men 2 notches up are out of their league, so they pitch at you.

 

Those good looking girls from out of town are just unaware of that particular area league table, they do not know they could be pitching at guys 3-4+ notches up, YET...

 

Yes I agree with you for the most part. I do believe though (from my experience) that women that have grown up and lived in the same "suburb" still seem to hold on to that "high school clique" mentality. Whereas women that have grown up in, and live in large, diverse, metro areas do not seem to have that mindset. They seem to be much more open-minded, and tend to accept people based on how they act, and their values, rather than judging them in 5 seconds just by looking at them. Again, its based on the women that I've had experiences with, from both sides.

 

I dont even care if I never get a girlfriend out of all of this. The only expectations I have is to at least interact with women, and maybe meet in person once in awhile. If it doesnt work out, so be it. It's just frustrating that these women wont even give me a chance. I just dont understand what they are holding out for, or what they expect to find.

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It's just frustrating that these women wont even give me a chance. I just dont understand what they are holding out for, or what they expect to find.

 

I think that some of the women you seek (In her 40's, a job, a residence, no major financial issues, no baggage, etc).

are just happy with their lot, and that meeting a man is a bonus and not a necessity, so they can afford to be picky.

 

Those that are financially insecure, low paid job, bills, kids etc. NEED a man to bail them out or NEED the extra income, or NEED the help with their kids or NEED the emotional support.

 

A woman who is sorted financially, who is self reliant, who has a house, a job and a circle of friends, may feel she doesn't really NEED a man and if he does show up, he is then required to bring something extra special to that party.

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It's going to be incredibly difficult to find a woman in her 40s who has no baggage. If a woman is in her 40s and is single it's a fair bet she has some type of baggage leftover from previous relationships. You think that your expectations are very simple, but in reality they aren't, not for the age group you specify.

 

As does he though. He is not baggage free, he will carry his own baggage going into any relationship, he has not got to 40 without accumulating anything.

Anyone who has been in a relationship carries their traumas with them. It is how they deal with the trauma - that is what matters. Some can be hurt in a break up or an abusive relationship in their 20s and never really recover, others can come through horrendous stuff for decades, and remain basically unscathed.

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For some reason, I thought you were in your early 20's in other threads. Funny!

 

Anyway, there are tons of single or divorced women who are actively looking to date and meet your criteria. Most though, mirror the general population and live in large metro areas. I don't know how important finding someone is, but consider moving.

 

Second, how is your profile? Something about it is attracting these women rather than women with profiles similar to yours. Do you have any female friends in your target population? Have them look at it, and give you feedback.

 

Sometimes, it's the dating site you use. I doubt that's the case here since you say the"right" women are there. They're just unresponsive. So again, maybe it's your profile.

 

Finally, it just takes time. Both men AND women have to sift through to find appropriate candidates. You aren't alone. Patience, optimism, and persistence.

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Mix it up. Try things other than OLD.

 

If I am remembering correctly, you like in a big city like Chicago. If that is the case, try something like It's Just Lunch. It's a matchmaking service that fixes you up on lunch dates . . . hi intensity (you go straight to the meet) but low commitment because everybody only has a limited time (usually 1 hour) for lunch.

 

FYI, It's Just Lunch is a total scam. About five years ago, they were forced to pay significant fines by several state attorney general offices, and they face a class action lawsuit.

 

It was the reverse of Ashley Madison--all women and virtually no men. I think it was Texas, where a rancher in his 70's got trotted out on every woman's lunch date, whether she was 25 or 50. They got lucky. In most states, women never got to meet a single guy despite upfront promises and paying thousands of dollars.

 

Nonetheless, d0nnivain raises an important point. Don't just depend on OLD. Look in real life too...join a book club or a running club, volunteer at the ASPCA,...whatever. Anything that widens your social circle and puts you in contact with lots of women, preferably in the right age range.

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Ever wonder if maybe the problem is with you? Not trying to put you on the defensive here, but you seem to have some standards that are strange to me in looking for a partner.

 

I just dont understand why I cant get a date with just a regular normal woman, that has a stable lifestyle.

 

Normal? lol... what's that? Stable? How many people out there will tell you that life is not a constant struggle? If I found a woman out there who was honestly "stable," I would like to take them to lunch, not to date them, but to learn from them, "How do you do it?!"

 

You judge women for having difficulty finding a job? And when they seem to be looking for companionship, you judge their priorities? huh... Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

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Second, how is your profile? Something about it is attracting these women rather than women with profiles similar to yours. Do you have any female friends in your target population? Have them look at it, and give you feedback.

 

Theres nothing wrong with my profile, my pics, or the messages I send out. Everyone always assumes it must be the guys fault if he isnt getting responses. Does anyone ever think that maybe theres a lot of stuck up women that only go for men out of their league?

 

I'm under 6ft as well (5'8) so thats another huge issue. Especially in the online dating world, since many women filter out guys like me and dont even know I exist.

 

 

 

Finally, it just takes time. Both men AND women have to sift through to find appropriate candidates. You aren't alone. Patience, optimism, and persistence.

 

Women get to sift through....men do not. Men are not getting message after message from women, or having opportunists fall in their lap every day. The biggest problem is that women become too picky online. They know they are sought after, so it subconsciously raises their standards, thinking if they are getting so many messages, then they can certainly sit back and wait for something better to come along. As I've said in other threads, before online dating, a woman may have met Joe during a social event, liked his company, and dated him. But nowadays, with online dating, she looks at Joe's picture, and passes him over just for the fact that she knows she has other options. Joe could be a great guy, and be a great match, but she'll never know it.

 

Men that use online dating typically have an opposite experience.(Men that are actually looking for a date, not men looking for hookups,etc) They join online dating, send out messages, and typically get ignored by most of the women, causing them to either quit, or lower their standards just to get women to reply or meet them.

 

 

 

Normal? lol... what's that? Stable? How many people out there will tell you that life is not a constant struggle?

 

 

Stable as in job, residence, and steady income. It's really not too much ask for.

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As does he though. He is not baggage free, he will carry his own baggage going into any relationship, he has not got to 40 without accumulating anything.

Anyone who has been in a relationship carries their traumas with them. It is how they deal with the trauma - that is what matters. Some can be hurt in a break up or an abusive relationship in their 20s and never really recover, others can come through horrendous stuff for decades, and remain basically unscathed.

 

Agreed, I was speaking more about women because that is what he is looking for. But anybody in their 40s who is single has some kind of baggage even if it is unimportant or won't affect the future in any way. People will have had past experiences or even several.

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Theres nothing wrong with my profile, my pics, or the messages I send out.

 

Says you..?

 

Stable as in job, residence, and steady income. It's really not too much ask for.

 

Again, says you, but ok, let's go there...

 

What you are looking for in a woman:

 

A job. Ok, she has to be working to make money... Despite how crappy the employment rate has been in the U.S., though I'm not sure where you are.

 

Has to have a steady income.

Ok now not only a job, but the money must be coming in "steadily" - whatever that means. That is kind of subjective. Someone can make a steady income in a month but it doesn't mean it would be the same pay every week, or a somewhat steady income in a year, but it doesn't mean it would be the same every month, because life happens.

 

And she has to have a residence.. As opposed to what, being homeless? Yeah, I guess that would make things difficult... What profiles have you been looking at of women who don't have residences? Are they using a public library to make these profiles?

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Says you..?

 

A job. Ok, she has to be working to make money... Despite how crappy the employment rate has been in the U.S., though I'm not sure where you are.

 

Yes despite how crappy the job market is, I dont know anyone personaly that is unemployed right now, or anyone thats been unemployed for the past 5 yrs. The job title doesnt really matter. Its the simple fact that she has a job and isnt a bum living off unemployment and excuses. And I definitely dont want one of those "career college" people that seem to endless change their major, or are always going back to school to "further their education" as an excuse to not get a job. Theres a ton of those out there.

 

Has to have a steady income.

Ok now not only a job, but the money must be coming in "steadily" - whatever that means. That is kind of subjective. Someone can make a steady income in a month but it doesn't mean it would be the same pay every week, or a somewhat steady income in a year, but it doesn't mean it would be the same every month, because life happens.

 

Yes. Steady income as in holding a steady job. Not working for 20 hours once a month at the animal shelter. A woman in her early 20's that is going to college is expected to have sporadic employment due to school and/or internships, new jobs etc. A woman in her 40's should be "stable" by that point. I understand sh*t happens. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking in general. The problem is that there seems to be a lot of women in my area that are either freeloaders, or just lazy ass' that are looking to latch onto a man and his income.

 

And she has to have a residence.. As opposed to what, being homeless? Yeah, I guess that would make things difficult... What profiles have you been looking at of women who don't have residences? Are they using a public library to make these profiles?

 

As opposed to her and her 3 kids living with her sister, or parents, or jumping from friend to friend.

 

All 3 of those points that I listed typically show that a person has stability. It shows they can stand on their own two feet. It shows that they have good work ethic. It shows they take pride in what they do, and have a desire to work for it.

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whether she has what I would consider a good job or not, or if she was living with a relative, does not show if someone has a good work ethic (good being another relative term) or takes pride in what they do.

 

Like I said though, different strokes, different folks...

 

nothing more I can offer you, but I doubt any of my words were helpful anyway. I've never done online dating so maybe I just don't have experience to offer insight. soo... gl?

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