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Emotionally Unavailable Long Term Relationship


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I've been with A guy who is emotionally unavailable. Only I didn't know this at the beginning. It's been almost 5yrs. Of being on and off with this person. About 8months ago he told me he really loves me and couldn't live without the love I have for him, but he's not in any place for a real relationship. He's been married before, been hurt, has kids and doesn't want to be in that situation again. I understand this. It didn't work for him and he doesn't want to do it again.

 

My problem is this. He says he doesn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend only he doesn't want me sleeping with anyone else..... I suppose because of disease. He doesn't want to hold me back from starting my life again and finding someone who can give me what he can't either.;)

 

It's all very confusing. He says he wants to be free to be with someone else if he chooses, but doesn't even want that now and would tell me if he was ever with anyone else sexually..... But again he sees the value of what we have and doesn't think there is anyone better for him. So I've made it a point to date a little and go out and meet people to keep my options open. The problem is I could probably be with someone else but I really have no interest either.

 

The question that keeps coming to me is what if either of us does have sex with someone else? We're ultimately ending whatever we have. How is he going to feel if he sleeps with someone, tells me and I turn around and say then I can't be with you anymore? He's now ended a 5yr. relationship for something that was possibly a one night stand or doesn't really work out. And the same goes for me if I were to do that as well. I don't want to bring this up to him because this is the type of conversation that causes him stress and will make him feel locked down. But in the end, that's what's going to happen if either of us do that.

 

What is the solution? I love him a lot and I know he loves me. He does put effort into communicating and trying to always find mutual ground and he will do real relationship things with me from time to time. We've been together for so long, I just can't see how he would want to ruin that just because he doesn't want to feel locked down or be in a serious relationship again.

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Clarence_Boddicker

He's; controlling, selfish & not relationship material right now. I don't see him changing. Do yourself a favor & move on. Find a guy who wants you for more than just sex.

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I am aware I need to do that and have been going out. However, my dilemma is I don't want to break up and go through the pain. I've been through that too may times and it is not healthy for me. Much more destructive to leave then find someone else while I'm with him. But, my issue is:

1) Do i date possibly sleep with someone and lie to him until I'm secure I've found someone. Which I don't think I can do because I'm not a liar. I'm sure he will break up with me if I have sex with someone else.

2) I'm also not really interested in anyone else.

 

I feel really stuck, but I know it's up to me to change this. I'm just not sure how.

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I know it's a huge cliche, but until you're happy with yourself and able to be alone when it's necessary, then you're going to struggle to find a healthy relationship. Also, a serious fear of being alone can get you into real trouble if you're not careful...staying with abusive/neglectful/unavailable partners, seeking out men that aren't good for you just so you're not alone, jumping from one guy to the next just to escape a ****ty relationship, only to find yourself in another one etc. etc.

 

As adults, we ideally should all be capable of standing on our own two feet and living independently - especially if the alternative is unhealthy (staying in an unfulfilling relationship). I would perhaps consider some counselling to get to the root cause of this issue, as working through it could really bring a lot of happiness and stability to your life.

 

You need to walk away from this and work hard on yourself to get this stuff sorted once and for all.

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I am aware I need to do that and have been going out. However, my dilemma is I don't want to break up and go through the pain. I've been through that too may times and it is not healthy for me. Much more destructive to leave then find someone else while I'm with him. But, my issue is:

1) Do i date possibly sleep with someone and lie to him until I'm secure I've found someone. Which I don't think I can do because I'm not a liar. I'm sure he will break up with me if I have sex with someone else.

2) I'm also not really interested in anyone else.

 

I feel really stuck, but I know it's up to me to change this. I'm just not sure how.

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I am aware I need to do that and have been going out. However, my dilemma is I don't want to break up and go through the pain. I've been through that too may times and it is not healthy for me. Much more destructive to leave then find someone else while I'm with him. But, my issue is:

1) Do i date possibly sleep with someone and lie to him until I'm secure I've found someone. Which I don't think I can do because I'm not a liar. I'm sure he will break up with me if I have sex with someone else.

2) I'm also not really interested in anyone else.

 

I feel really stuck, but I know it's up to me to change this. I'm just not sure how.

 

Thing is, you and he are technically "single". There is no ring on your finger. Now, some people argue that they consider themselves in a "committed" situation if they agree not to sleep around and/or shack-up, but I think a lot of people are confusing "exclusivity" with "commitment"

 

My rule is, until someone puts a ring on your finger, you are technically single. And "commitment" is when someone puts a ring on your finger. And not just a "ring" (cuz some people use engagement rings as "pacifier" rings), but a ring and a date for marriage.

 

Now yes, I agree on a couple agreeing on "exclusivity" and seems like that's what he wants. He wants you and him to be "exclusive". But, at the same time, he says he's open to sleeping with other women "if" the opportunity presents itself - even if he's not actively seeking another partner...and, IMO, that's not exclusivity.

 

So, if he's letting you know that he's keeping his options open "if" the opportunity presents itself - then there you go, he not only pissed on exclusivity, but he made it clear that you two are not even committed to each other.

 

I can understand his hesitance to commit again cuz he's been divorced, got kids, and etc. - but, if you are looking for a husband and/or kids then I guess you need to find that. Now, he and I might be a better match cuz I could do that type of RL - except that I would require exclusivity...he appears to not even want exclusivity and that's not fair.

 

I think you should continue to date others - even have sex with them if you want and if he has an issue with it? "Tough".

 

I feel your pain. I've put myself in an "imaginary girlfriend" situation where I'm afraid to meet someone cuz I keep on holding hope that dude would date me one day and I'm going on a year of wasting my time. Don't be like me. I mean, it's hard, cuz, I've seen like him get bent out of shape if he "thinks" I'm seeing someone (i.e. me putting my car in my garage like twice as a "test" to see if he'd freak). And, like you, I see things in him I like and don't wanna throw away a dude I'm liking just on a "chance" RL with someone else. But, at the same time, I spend lonely nites and he's content cuz he gets sex, cuddling and companionship from the other women he's with. So, yeah, great for him, cuz he can hold out cuz me being the "imaginary gf" works for him...cuz while he's sitting around figuring out what he wants in life, he gets sex and companionship and I get nothing. It's a win/win for him - not for me.

 

But honestly, I envy you - at least you're getting some sex and time with him out of this thing you got going on. I can't even get a 1 min convo in with dude.

 

So, I do try to meet other guys - but it's like my hopes with/about him is an anchor that holds me back...I think. Maybe you'll have to make a clean break from him, cuz while I recommend you just date others, I think you not having a clean break from him isn't gonna make you open/receptive to another guy.

Edited by Gloria25
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Five more years will past and it will be the same bs story.

 

 

It hurts so much, but you have to break away from him.

 

I know you're "aware", but actually do it.

 

 

Meanwhile, I'm going to whine post on the same subject matter.

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He doesn't want to commit to you. He wants sexual exclusivity because he doesn't want to share the same woman with other men or catch diseases. Everything this guy is saying is that he is with you until someone he wants more comes along. He is not offering you anything other than a friends with benefits situation.

 

Yes, it would be awkward if you met and slept with someone else because you would feel obliged to tell him and then it would be over. However, if he meets someone else it will also be over - unless he is happy for him to have two women at once. That would be rather hypocritical.

 

It is no wonder you are feeling confused because he appears to be giving you a relationship because you are both enjoying all the trappings of that, except he isn't. He is saying he could walk any time and that you would be made to walk if you slept with anyone else.

 

Do you accept his terms?

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Thank you for all of your replies. This is the most helpful responses I I've ever gotten.

 

I hate when people are saying things like I'm disrespecting myself because I'm settling for his crumbs. Obviously we enjoy each other's company and love each other. How is that disrespecting myself? As far as wanting to live with him and get married well...... Those are just things I may never have. I think I'm OK with that. I'm too old to have more children and I have already been married myself. Therefore, I'm not sure I need that. Plus the fact he's got 2 boys that are somewhat unruly and don't think I would want to live with him. I do get lonely and tire of his non-commital attitude because sometimes I'm reluctant to make plans because I think it may result in not seeing him.

 

My biggest worry is being in this exclusive relationship and being content but dealing with the possibility he may screw this up since he's keeping his oprtions open. I definitely, don't want to be on the receiving end of that.

 

I think to keep things honest we need to have another conversation about sex and maybe agree on "don't ask don't tell", and make sure if we're with anyone else we use protection. At least that gives us the opportunity to keep options open without hurting each other, being safe, and still have something together unless we find something serious with someone else and at that point we should discuss it.

 

What is everyone's thoughts on that?

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Thank you for all of your replies. This is the most helpful responses I I've ever gotten.

 

I hate when people are saying things like I'm disrespecting myself because I'm settling for his crumbs. Obviously we enjoy each other's company and love each other. How is that disrespecting myself? As far as wanting to live with him and get married well...... Those are just things I may never have. I think I'm OK with that. I'm too old to have more children and I have already been married myself. Therefore, I'm not sure I need that. Plus the fact he's got 2 boys that are somewhat unruly and don't think I would want to live with him. I do get lonely and tire of his non-commital attitude because sometimes I'm reluctant to make plans because I think it may result in not seeing him.

 

My biggest worry is being in this exclusive relationship and being content but dealing with the possibility he may screw this up since he's keeping his oprtions open. I definitely, don't want to be on the receiving end of that.

 

I think to keep things honest we need to have another conversation about sex and maybe agree on "don't ask don't tell", and make sure if we're with anyone else we use protection. At least that gives us the opportunity to keep options open without hurting each other, being safe, and still have something together unless we find something serious with someone else and at that point we should discuss it.

 

What is everyone's thoughts on that?

 

Well, glad you have been able to get some good advice here...

 

At the end of the day, though, the decision is up to you to decide if you stay/go and on what terms you will agree upon if you continue in this RL with him.

 

Trust me, I feel your frustration and am tired of people labeling me the scum of the earth cuz of the types of RLs I engage in. They wanna sit on their high horse - yet, they have yet to give you advice/solutions to have the type of RL you are seeking.

 

Yes, when you aren't looking for kids and have concerns about comingling finances/assets and/or have a busy life (career, education, etc.) - there's no one who realistically will wanna marry you. Worst, with age your option narrow even worst cuz "available" guys have baggage of kids, divorces, etc - and if you're lucky enough to find one w/o all that - he's a "confirmed bachelor" and/or like the guy you are currently with and they don't wanna be "tied down" to anyone.

 

So, what else to look forward to? FWBs? Casual hook-ups? Those don't even last long cuz either the guy does them so he can keep his options open (not for the reasons you are doing it) and so he can sleep around - but keep a main squeeze or two "on call".

 

So, I get where you're coming from in staying with this guy - but also, the downside is that these types of situations lack exclusivity in the RL (mostly from the guy) and again, it's up to you if you wanna stay and on what terms. And, for everyone who wants to sit on their high horse and talk smack about you settling for crumbs can go take a hike. At least you're not pretending to want kids and/or a family and/or manipulating someone/defaulting into a marriage just so you won't be alone and/or don't have anything going on in your life and/or are too lazy to get out and live life and find a way to pay your bills on your own.

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Thank you for all of your replies. This is the most helpful responses I I've ever gotten.

 

I hate when people are saying things like I'm disrespecting myself because I'm settling for his crumbs. Obviously we enjoy each other's company and love each other. How is that disrespecting myself? As far as wanting to live with him and get married well...... Those are just things I may never have. I think I'm OK with that. I'm too old to have more children and I have already been married myself. Therefore, I'm not sure I need that. Plus the fact he's got 2 boys that are somewhat unruly and don't think I would want to live with him. I do get lonely and tire of his non-commital attitude because sometimes I'm reluctant to make plans because I think it may result in not seeing him.

 

My biggest worry is being in this exclusive relationship and being content but dealing with the possibility he may screw this up since he's keeping his oprtions open. I definitely, don't want to be on the receiving end of that.

 

I think to keep things honest we need to have another conversation about sex and maybe agree on "don't ask don't tell", and make sure if we're with anyone else we use protection. At least that gives us the opportunity to keep options open without hurting each other, being safe, and still have something together unless we find something serious with someone else and at that point we should discuss it.

 

What is everyone's thoughts on that?

 

I think he's put you in an impossible position (whether he is aware of this I do not know). Basically, you are quite naturally wondering if he might suddenly opt out because he never committed in the first place. However, you can't take the option of backing off a bit and looking at other options because if you do consider other options and he becomes aware of it, he'll end it anyway. This does seem highly unfair. He is insisting on sexual exclusivity but hidden within that is emotional security for him and yet you don't get that.

 

He may not be aware that he is denying you anything, but you could pussyfoot around talking about all this till the cows come home and still end up in the same place with him somehow 'misunderstanding' your needs. I think if you want to have the chance of other options - and why shouldn't you if he won't commit? - you will have to risk losing him. It's not nice to be putting things on hold because you are waiting to hear from him and don't want to put him under pressure. Your feelings matter too. He seems to have all the power in this relationship and presumably likes it like that. Do you want to be with someone who isn't prepared to share power?

Edited by spiderowl
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