Not getting unreasonably angry when someone says something insulting/presumptuous.

[warrenorabbits]

My roommate invited me to an informal exam prep session this week. Since my uncle is in town and I've pretty much studied all I can for the test, I told him I probably wouldn't go. To which he said: "I guess you don't take this test seriously."

 

My response was, in a measured tone: "Well, it's not that I don't take the test seriously; it's that I've studied for most of the summer and so I feel prepared enough." But for about thirty minutes after that conversation, I was fuming mad, and just wanted to kick him in the nuts for saying something so presumptuous (not to mention false!) to my face.

 

I think a lot of the reason for the intensity of my anger was that I felt like I let him embarrass me. He's not my mother, and what I should have said was, "Not that I owe you an explanation, but ... [same thing as before]." But, as always, I didn't think of the best thing to say until after the embarrassment had passed. As it is, I feel like I implied, with my calm response, that he was entitled to an excuse; that I was somehow required to go to this review session unless I could please him with a satisfactory reason why not.

 

I'm still pretty pissed off, but I think it's too minor a thing to bring up explicitly unless something similar happens in the future. What do you do in situations like this? I feel like most people think of good comebacks in the moment and so don't have the residual anger that lasts after the conversation is over.

 

P.S. I was actually undecided about whether to visit my uncle (I'm reviewing today and so it'll depend on whether I feel the need to review more or not) but with my roommate's snide remark I now just want to go regardless so he doesn't get the idea that he embarrassed me into staying home. I know this is irrational and childish.

[casey.lives]

it's not about what people say... it's more about a: i'm not talking to you, i'm not talking with you - mind your own business - who the bleep do you think you are?! .. don't care - shut up type thing!!

if you want reasonable - be reasonable!!!!

[warrenorabbits]

Sorry, Casey, but I don't think I follow.

[warrenorabbits]

Wow, am I the only one who has ever experienced this?!

 

Do I need to do a tl;dr?

[TaraMaiden2]

No, but - and I might just be adding fuel to your fire, here - it's pointless to get worked up about something that's actually quite trivial.

 

I'm currently in the throes of detaching from something that has been an important and significant factor of my life at the moment, (no, not my H!) and I'm focusing on the 'attachment' element of the process.

 

We're all attached, by some manner or means, to a greater or lesser degree, to everything that touches us, happens to us, and is said or done to us.

Everything in our lives, which we openly permit to affect us, we establish a connection to, an attachment.

These attachments can be neutral, beneficial or harmful.

But we still remain attached.

 

You're attached to the importance of your dignity.

Your credibility.

Your integrity as a good student, as a person who takes his studies seriously, and wishes to achieve whatever it is that comes as a reward, at the end of your studies.

 

You're attached to a number of things then: Your studies, their pay-off and your reputation.

The first two, were not affected by your friend's comment.

The third however, smarted under the off-the-cuff remark.

 

I can assure you, he put far less thought into his comment, than you did, afterwards.

He let it out, unchecked, and then probably thought no more about it, ESPECIALLY after your response.

 

You however, are still fuming...

 

It's a bit like the two monks on a long journey

 

you need to put it down, because carrying it does you no good at all.

 

[BikerAccnt]

I completely understand. And, you feel the way you feel because you feel it was an attack on your dignity, integrity, or whatever. You feel the comment uncalled for.

 

 

I'm going thru something very similar myself, and I'm still fuming about it 4 days later. [

 

 

Though I did manage the snappy comeback when the actually said "I'm very disappointed in you." I replied - Well, it's not the first time in your life you've been disappointed in me so, I'm kind of used to it by now."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still, as Tara stated, we need to let it go. The person that said the thing, is probably devoting much less time, if any, to analyzing what they said, than we are.

[spiderowl]

I can see why you got riled. I would guess that he really wanted you to be there and you opting out upset him, so he did the passive-aggressive thing and made a comment like that. It was designed to be a little dig back because he was hurting.

 

So you picked up on the undercurrent and instinctively wanted to react. It might be helpful to you to spot such interchanges and the possible reasons so that you can react (or not) according to the person's motives not the end result of how they are feeling. I know that's a lot to ask at the time when you are feeling hurt.

 

I think your response sounded perfectly reasonable, given the circumstances. He was just having a go because you appeared to slight him. If you understand that, you will see it is not about whether you are taking the exam seriously or not but whether you will spend time with him on whatever he has planned.

[Gloria25]

I think your response was adequate and beyond mature than his...

 

Who is he to make assumptions as to why you weren't gonna be there? He should of asked you why you weren't gonna be there and then have a mature discussion like adults.

 

Communication people!!!

[gaius]

"I'm smarter than you are and don't need to study as much" would have been the correct response. You basically let him get away with a rude and smarmy comment by explaining yourself instead of fighting back like you said so yeah, you're gonna get mad. The only way to not feel that way as a man is to whack back when you get whacked.