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Despondent - not likely to meet the right guy


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I feel very despondent. I'm not young. I've been on online dating for a while now and the results have been mostly disappointing. I meet people socially but have felt less inclined to go out recently, mostly because the guys I do like are either attached or seem to be snapped up very quickly. I don't want to go out to meet the same guys that I already feel are not right for me. I don't feel attracted to them physically, emotionally or intellectually.

 

I could try and change social circles but seriously I really feel now I'm not likely to meet the right guy. He doesn't exist. I still need to relate and to share physically so what do I do? I get offers (sometimes from really physically attractive guys) so I could just take up a physical relationship, but I don't want to be some guy's 'older woman experience' or to get physical with someone whose values I don't share or who seems less intelligent than me (sorry if that sounds bad). Physical with the wrong guy could lead to complications. Also, there is the aspect that I would feel I would need to 'hide' him from friends and family. Friends would wonder if I'd taken leave of my senses and be shocked; family would just think him unsuitable for a relationship (true!).

 

But I don't want to be someone else's casual partner either. I'd like us to care about each other and for neither to view it as purely physical. Some instinct in me tells me that when a guy is in a casual relationship it really is casual and he doesn't care what the woman is like as long as she's nice to him. That's not much better than being a blow-up doll really!

 

Do I resign myself to never having a love life? I haven't had one for a long time. It's not that I haven't had offers - I have, but just wanted him to be right for me. Do I take the male approach of 'having fun along the way' but hoping to find 'the one'? How have other women dealt with this kind of thing? I do feel that a life without love for me would not be worth living. I am fundamentally a sensitive, passionate, feeling person, and life seems to be all about work and duty. I do have hobbies but they are just that - ways of passing the time and not being bored.

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DatingDirection

Sometimes, i feel the same way. Lately i've been wanting a baby. But I haven't given on line dating much of a good chance yet, actually. I'm afraid that I will be disappointed i guess, so i don't try. I'm just working on myself at the moment, and taking this year off to get where i want to go. Maybe when you're truly happy with who you are, maybe you are already, love will just pour out of you, and you will attract the right type of man for you, yes? Perhaps you already love who you are, and just aren't on the right sites, there are alot of crappy sites out there. I'm no expert, I really don't know how people meet these days, maybe go out with your girfriends, to places where men hang out, and see what happends? I wish you luck, I understand how you feel.

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There's way too many ppl out there for there to not be at least one who's suitable for both of you. :)

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I think the best thing is to try to be fulfilled overall in your life. Then when a potential partner comes along, he/she will be matching up with the version of you that you want to be - not a sad, resigned and desperate version.

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I feel ya sister...

 

We're in the same boat.

 

I could get laid if I wanted to right now? But, then what? Meaningless sex w/o a connection? And, how long will it last? The casual things don't last long...the RL needs to be going somewhere (i.e marriage and/or kids) and/or they simply get bored and move on to the next person and/or are players.

 

Do I wanna lower my standards just to have one side of my bed warm? Nah, sorry, I rather sleep alone.

 

So what to do? I'm praying I find someone perhaps my age or older - sorta like the guy Jane in Mad Men met (w/o the possessiveness and weed smoking) - who already got having kids and/or marriage out of his system and just wants female company w/o jumping from woman to woman.

 

Will I die w/o love? Eh, I do't know. They say life is sweeter when you have someone to share it with, but does it have to be someone you're romantically involved with? Isn't that why we have family and friends?

 

The only use I have for a man is his penis. His penis to give me pleasure (ok, some kissing and hugging and all that too). Then yea, it is nice to have a guy to go out with. Sometimes I just wish I had a guy I can put on a fancy dress with and just hit the town. I've contemplated getting a gay male friend like Carrie in SATC and get my "male companionship" needs met that way.

 

So, I haven't renewed my OLD right now and finances have me tied down right now where I can't go out much and socialize. Oh yea, then there's family.

 

Look, I resolve to next year seriously starting a fresh start. Once the holidays are over family should be squared away, things at the job should be better and hopefully I should have resolved some stuff to bring in some more money so I can have a "life"...

 

What kind of guy will I be looking for? We'll see...I still am considering just a "guy toy" cuz I'm not getting any younger and until I find Mr. Right, I wanna get some good sex under my belt before I'm 50 and putting on a school girl costume to the bedroom is gonna be awkward

 

So, that's what I'm doing...it's boils down to you and what you wanna do and/or want.

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spiderowl,

Ten years ago I could have written your post. :)

 

After I got divorced I was single for 15+ years before I married my second husband. During that time I kissed an awful lot of frogs. I had a couple of serious relationships that didn't work out. :(

 

I had given up on love and then, for family reasons, relocated. I took up new hobbies/interests and then met my second husband.

 

A friend of mine who was divorced and single for 10 years met her partner at Scottish Dancing classes. They are now living together and she's 71 !

 

I firmly believe that there is someone for everyone out there. I would suggest that you change your social circle and take up a new hobby/interest. That way you'll meet some new people and will be able to "network".

 

And don't drop your standards and settle for anything that you aren't 100% happy with. If you don't want FWB or being an old man's/married man's plaything then don't go there - there's nothing wrong with having high standards. :)

 

Good Luck x

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Change stuff in your life.

 

- go travel

- join landmark forum

 

Trust me, I thought there were no decent guys, but then I travelled to Europe.

 

HELLO.

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I think the best thing is to try to be fulfilled overall in your life. Then when a potential partner comes along, he/she will be matching up with the version of you that you want to be - not a sad, resigned and desperate version.

 

I can see what you mean but I don't find many things fulfilling any more. I've done them all. I've done the art thing, the music thing, the work thing, the family thing. It would be nice to share these things, yes, but the guys I meet online seem to be either too young and trying their hand with an older woman, deeply uninteresting or unintelligent older guys, or just sleazy and disrespectful.

 

Am I missing something? Is that all guys are and I've just been missing the obvious?

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There's way too many ppl out there for there to not be at least one who's suitable for both of you. :)

 

Quite possible, but I don't have the time or money to search the world and when I find him, he might not be interested in me anyway.

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spiderowl,

Ten years ago I could have written your post. :)

 

After I got divorced I was single for 15+ years before I married my second husband. During that time I kissed an awful lot of frogs. I had a couple of serious relationships that didn't work out. :(

 

I had given up on love and then, for family reasons, relocated. I took up new hobbies/interests and then met my second husband.

 

A friend of mine who was divorced and single for 10 years met her partner at Scottish Dancing classes. They are now living together and she's 71 !

 

I firmly believe that there is someone for everyone out there. I would suggest that you change your social circle and take up a new hobby/interest. That way you'll meet some new people and will be able to "network".

 

And don't drop your standards and settle for anything that you aren't 100% happy with. If you don't want FWB or being an old man's/married man's plaything then don't go there - there's nothing wrong with having high standards. :)

 

Good Luck x

 

Thanks, I'm sure it does happen for some. It's not likely to for me. I find I rarely feel a connection and then when I do they are attached or too young, sometimes too old.

 

I don't want to drop my standards at all but life seems pretty bleak now I know I'm going to be alone for the rest of it.

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Change stuff in your life.

 

- go travel

- join landmark forum

 

Trust me, I thought there were no decent guys, but then I travelled to Europe.

 

HELLO.

 

Thanks. I can't travel, I have no funds beyond paying for essential bills and insurance to make sure my kids don't lose out if I pop off.

 

I don't know what landmark forum is?

 

Basically, I have a full-time job which takes a lot of mental energy. I have little physical energy due to health problems and can't see the point in putting in so much for so little.

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Quite possible, but I don't have the time or money to search the world and when I find him, he might not be interested in me anyway.

 

My BF has a work colleague who's mid 40s, pretty intelligent, creative, reasonably interesting, not self-centered, etc. He's also emotionally dormant and resigned to a solo life due to a limited history of very bad romantic relationships where he was essentially on the receiving end of heaps of sh*t thru no real wrongdoing on his part, from what I understand. (i.e. he's not a psycho.) He lives in the states tho. Want to be put in touch?

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My BF has a work colleague who's mid 40s, pretty intelligent, creative, reasonably interesting, not self-centered, etc. He's also emotionally dormant and resigned to a solo life due to a limited history of very bad romantic relationships where he was essentially on the receiving end of heaps of sh*t thru no real wrongdoing on his part, from what I understand. (i.e. he's not a psycho.) He lives in the states tho. Want to be put in touch?

 

That's very sweet. I'm mid-50s though and in the UK so that would be much too far. Kind of you to think of me. I'm not desperate for just anybody. I've had several offers today on a dating site, but to give you an idea:

 

1 x 23 year old - 100 miles away - not my type if he was my age

1 x 28 year old - 300 miles away - intelligent guy but so young

1 x 58 year old - not remotely attractive to me and over 300 miles away

1 x 45 year old - attractive guy, 200 miles away, transvestite

 

I'm just straight heterosexual, no fetishes, wouldn't want to enter a relationship where the guy wears women's clothing!

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That's very sweet. I'm mid-50s though and in the UK so that would be much too far. Kind of you to think of me. I'm not desperate for just anybody. I've had several offers today on a dating site, but to give you an idea:

 

1 x 23 year old - 100 miles away - not my type if he was my age

1 x 28 year old - 300 miles away - intelligent guy but so young

1 x 58 year old - not remotely attractive to me and over 300 miles away

1 x 45 year old - attractive guy, 200 miles away, transvestite

 

I'm just straight heterosexual, no fetishes, wouldn't want to enter a relationship where the guy wears women's clothing!

 

Wow. ;)

 

Is the 58 yo not remotely attractive bc he's 58? (Are you looking for younger?)

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Hi Spiderowl

 

 

My sympathies to you for your predicament. The world of online dating is not for the faint hearted and it does get more challenging as you get older, in my experience. I found that taking a break from it every now and then was the best way to use it as a means to meet guys. It also has the benefit of seeing a new pool of men each time you go back...

 

 

I know what it is like to not meet many men you are attracted to or worse still to find that all the types you are attracted to are unavailable/off the market! It can be tough out there, that's for sure.

 

 

I think that finding that special someone is a mix of luck, your own personal standards and the dating pool available to you.

 

 

You can work on increasing your luck and dating pool by getting out there as much as possible (even when sometimes you don't feel like it and would prefer to be curled up with a good book and a cup of cocoa!), extending your search criteria and re-examining your standards of what you are looking for in a partner. Are there any criteria that you could relax a little bit amongst your non-negotiables?

 

 

I am a bit of a homebody and I have always found it somewhat ironic that you do have to force yourself to get out there to meet someone that you would then be happy to stay indoors with :)

 

 

Only you can decide whether your desire for a partner overrides your reluctance to expend more effort than you are already putting in.

 

 

The old saying of kissing a lot of frogs is so true, but if you do meet that special someone it will have been worth all the effort don't you think?

 

 

Good luck :)

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It can just take a long time sometimes spider to find the right one. Just keep putting yourself out there, not even nessicarily to look for dates, but just to talk to people and eventually you'll bump into him.

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Wow. ;)

 

Is the 58 yo not remotely attractive bc he's 58? (Are you looking for younger?)

 

Just wondered why you say 'wow'. Does that sound unusual to you? It seems pretty par for the course in my experience.

 

The 58 year old is just not my type looks-wise and his conversation is manipulative: he likes to say 'we' and things like 'we have an affinity', 'we are fellow souls', and stuff like that when I'm not feeling that way at all. It's all projection.

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It can just take a long time sometimes spider to find the right one. Just keep putting yourself out there, not even nessicarily to look for dates, but just to talk to people and eventually you'll bump into him.

 

Think I've run out of energy for it gaius. Thanks for the suggestion, wise as usual. I don't really have time on my side any longer.

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Wow. ;)

 

Is the 58 yo not remotely attractive bc he's 58? (Are you looking for younger?)

 

Btw, I really value your thoughts Jen, sorry I didn't say so earlier.

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Hi Spiderowl

 

 

My sympathies to you for your predicament. The world of online dating is not for the faint hearted and it does get more challenging as you get older, in my experience. I found that taking a break from it every now and then was the best way to use it as a means to meet guys. It also has the benefit of seeing a new pool of men each time you go back...

 

 

I know what it is like to not meet many men you are attracted to or worse still to find that all the types you are attracted to are unavailable/off the market! It can be tough out there, that's for sure.

 

 

I think that finding that special someone is a mix of luck, your own personal standards and the dating pool available to you.

 

 

You can work on increasing your luck and dating pool by getting out there as much as possible (even when sometimes you don't feel like it and would prefer to be curled up with a good book and a cup of cocoa!), extending your search criteria and re-examining your standards of what you are looking for in a partner. Are there any criteria that you could relax a little bit amongst your non-negotiables?

 

 

I am a bit of a homebody and I have always found it somewhat ironic that you do have to force yourself to get out there to meet someone that you would then be happy to stay indoors with :)

 

 

Only you can decide whether your desire for a partner overrides your reluctance to expend more effort than you are already putting in.

 

 

The old saying of kissing a lot of frogs is so true, but if you do meet that special someone it will have been worth all the effort don't you think?

 

 

Good luck :)

Thanks Cailinsona, maybe I should give it a total break for years. It's a bit lonely though.

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Basically in the same boat as you.

 

except I do have a guy I really into, but he is much younger than me which made me hesitate and I lost my chance.

 

he is on my 'people you may know' list in facebook. so sometimes I just like to look at his pic on the list...pathetic I know.

 

guess in the end he is not the right guy for me...

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Basically in the same boat as you.

 

except I do have a guy I really into, but he is much younger than me which made me hesitate and I lost my chance.

 

he is on my 'people you may know' list in facebook. so sometimes I just like to look at his pic on the list...pathetic I know.

 

guess in the end he is not the right guy for me...

 

I know what you mean about hesitating loveflower. I did exactly the same with a guy friend who was 10 years younger than me. I thought he should have the chance of a family and that I would be wasting his time. I also assumed he would inevitably leave me for someone younger, should they come along. As it happens, he is still alone and so am I. I have a younger mentality in some ways but old memories, that makes it difficult.

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There's two directions to go. Fear and Love. Choose Love.

 

I would love the chance to choose love but it hasn't happened!

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I know what you mean about hesitating loveflower. I did exactly the same with a guy friend who was 10 years younger than me. I thought he should have the chance of a family and that I would be wasting his time. I also assumed he would inevitably leave me for someone younger, should they come along. As it happens, he is still alone and so am I. I have a younger mentality in some ways but old memories, that makes it difficult.

 

I think we are similar in thinking. We are old-fashioned, old-schooled, think too far ahead and considerate of others. I also thought maybe someone like him should be with a girl who is young, tall and successful etc...

 

one of my problems was I used to think far ahead into the future, maybe that is one of the reason nothing has really happened. I think too much and too far. Now I think I should change this. I should stop thinking tomorrow and in this case, stop thinking if the person will leave for someone younger.

 

We are also not brave/fear. If you are still in talking term with the guy, why don't you try to be with him? mine is a little complicated. He is not even in the city anymore and we are not really friends.

 

 

also, you know there are gays and lesbians, if they can be together and have families, why can not age difference be overcame? and there are a lot of worse things in life.

 

maybe it is worth it even with someone you really like for just a short time?

 

so I am starting to change in my thinking. but I think I still feel kindda embarrassing with a younger guy though...with older man, you can be a little woman and have a little temper, but with younger guy, it will feel weird to do those immature things, right? but older quality men aren't around, so...

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