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Melt downs over his body ...


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isthislove35

My love has been extremely fit since his divorce a few years ago. He looks very good. But, lately he has been eating a lot more. He's gained 15 pounds. Sure he looks like he's put on a few pounds...but not bad. I think he's still hot.

 

Anyway, he will go through complete melt downs about his "gut". He will get angry and say that his life is falling apart...and that he is fat and he feels like his life is in a spiral down hill. (his business is less productive lately).

 

He is very self centered when it comes to apparearnce but this will result in hours of anger. When I say...I think you look good! He will squeeze his fat and say ...you don't see this? You live in a fantasy land...and I can't get a straight acknowledgment out of you...so I guess I'll just get really fat and not workout because YOU DON'T care!

 

I will say...sure I see that you've gained a few pounds...but I think you look hot! I love you...and I have plenty of areas of my body I feel that way about...but I don't point them out to YOU! He said well trust me ...if you get fat...I'll tell you about it...and you can't even give me the decency of acknowledging the truth...you live in a fantasy.

 

So I offered to eat all protein and veggies with him for an entire week...so he could see how quickly he can lose that little roll. He said it didn't matter....and that it won't work....

 

This is becoming a fight at least a few days a week now....what do I do?

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You agree with him.

Frankly, this is a demonstration of inverted ego.

He insists his life is falling apart, he's ugly, unattractive, he has a gut - then agree with him.

Tell him to quit moaning about it, take the weight off, take control and do something about it.

Tell him as far as you're concerned, you have enough on your plate (no pun intended) looking after yourself, keeping toned, fit, healthy and slim.

His gut?

His problem.

Either quit eating so much, putting on weight and looking gross, of shut up about it.

But if he's unhappy, then he has to deal with it.

You're sick and tired of hearing him moan, and refuse to engage on the matter any more.

It's his life, his deal.

If he can't get on top of it then more fool him, keep opening your motuh and stuffing it.

 

If you every time you deal with it, it ends in a fight, change what you do.

And call his bluff.

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Severe case of body dysmorphia? Did he used to regularly work out? Was he once big and lost alot of weight?

 

I tend to go overboard when I put on weight aswell, granted 1 year ago I was +40kg, but not to the extent he does.

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TaraMaidens' advice is pretty tough, but from my experience I would generally agree.

 

If you reward his bitchy behavior with pets and love, it teaches him how to act around you to get pets and love. It sucks.

 

Of course there is a delicate balance, where we should be supportive to our partners when they're down. To me, and mostly from my own experience, this sounds like you are a few months past the delicate balance point and are now setting up a rut to be stuck in.

 

If / when he does start doing or suggesting any positive activities, that is a great time to jump on board with encouragement and support and do it with him.

 

Best Wishes

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Also--- how long ago did he divorce?

 

Ultimately it can take some people 4 or even 5 years to work through the emotional imbalance and pain of divorce. If he was divorced inside that time frame, and his job is not going well, his response could be more severe than his weight or job would seem to warrant.

 

He might not even understand this himself.

 

I still think you've tried the kind sympathetic method and see that it doesn't work for him or for you, so I wouldn't recommend being a softie all the time. It may just take time for him to live through this, and it's not going to help him for you to be the kid who gets yelled at.

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lollipopspot

He is very self centered when it comes to apparearnce but this will result in hours of anger. When I say...I think you look good! He will squeeze his fat and say ...you don't see this? You live in a fantasy land...and I can't get a straight acknowledgment out of you...so I guess I'll just get really fat and not workout because YOU DON'T care!

 

I would find the petty negativity and drama very draining to be around. He ought best to go to a counselor and try to gain some more insight and emotional maturity.

 

I can understand someone not liking the way they look and feeling a bit down about it, but hours of anger and tantruming is too much for me.

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I don't think this is really about weight. I think your BF is depressed.

 

Severe case of body dysmorphia? Did he used to regularly work out? Was he once big and lost alot of weight?

 

I tend to go overboard when I put on weight aswell, granted 1 year ago I was +40kg, but not to the extent he does.

 

I would find the petty negativity and drama very draining to be around. He ought best to go to a counselor and try to gain some more insight and emotional maturity.

 

I can understand someone not liking the way they look and feeling a bit down about it, but hours of anger and tantruming is too much for me.

 

This is another current threadThe OP has posted about her situation with her husband. looking at it, and in conjunction with this thread, I think there are far more deep-seated probelms here than merely his self-image or depression....

 

From the linked thread:

....Needless to say, I'm feeling trapped and nervous right now. He will blow up and threaten the marriage if I suggest that we split accounts. (I've already tried that...and he said "what's the point of being married then...and accused me of being a control freak.)

 

I know money is always tough in marriages -- but am I overreacting to this?

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OP, sounds like he is very depressed about life after divorce and I see the weight gain as a symptom of that depression. Food is a common source of comfort when people experience a major life stressor like divorce. Emotional eating. His anger at himself is misdirected at you. So, don't take it personally. You just happen to be a nearby convenient target for him to project his anger at himself, on to you instead. It's selfish for him to do that but he does it because he's afraid and probably has anxiety. I think he could use some counseling to help him cope with his life after being divorced. Once he gets a grip on the emotional issues weighing him down, his physical weight will come off as a positive side effect.

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regine_phalange

Nothing - you're not obliged to constantly listen to his tantrums about the same thing. Next time tell him nicely that you have to go to the grocery, or to the shower, or to the gym, or to bed, and that there's salad in the fridge if he's hungry later.

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isthislove35

No i think what it is ...is that he's dealing with turning 48. He was heavier before his divorce...lost weight and in very, very good shape. Then he meets me and he is eating too much sugar. He had blood work taken and he is obviously pre diabetic. He has gained 15 pounds but we still work out almost every day....he works out like 2 hours a day.

 

He drives me crazy because he always drags me with and I like to work out in the am...he goes in the pm. But, he's eating too much. He knows this...but he isn't "getting it".... It's 80 percent diet...20 percent workout...

 

I just get frustrated because he is taking it out on me....and I have to listen toit. Trust me...I'm 7 lbs heavier that I like..and I am annoyed...but I don't tell him about it... I just eat less and train harder.

 

I don't think it's depression. I think it's narcissism of some sort....

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...

I don't think it's depression. I think it's narcissism of some sort....

 

I think this is very insightful of you.

I think there is no question that he has a serious personality disorder, and that you are his verbal punchbag, his depository for all his frustrated abuse, all his pent-up anger and all his own frustration at not being the perfect specimen he strives to be.

If only you would.... then he could....

If only you wouldn't.... then he could....

 

It's all your fault, all your fault....

All of it, is all your fault, because whatever it is you're doing, whatever it is you're NOT doing, you're standing in his way of perfection...

 

You.

Are.

Not.

His.

Therapist.

 

You do not DESERVE to be treated this way, and you most certainly do NOT have to put up with it.

His sense of entitlement, ownership and control are at shocking levels, and you should NOT tolerate his behaviour one - more - day.

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isthislove35

After being annoyed and frustrated tonight ... My patience snapped and his behavior was exactly as you described.

 

I discovered tonight by accident on FB (girl tried to friend me) that he dated a 20 year old before meeting me. He was 47 at the time. He had told me that the girl's dad asked him to be like a mentor to her since she was partying too much. He saidomths ago that he was her friend and guidance counselor essentially.

 

Well tonight on FB she tried to friend me and I looked at her page and saw posts from right before he met me... That put him with her at dance clubs around the city... And steakhouses.

 

I immediately talked to him because he told me he had befriended other 20 year old girls before meeting me... Just to be "friends". He said they came on to him and he just was "friendly".

 

As soon as I showed him this and told him his mentor description was not quite on par... He started accusing me of picking a fight because I was probably feeling guilty about cheating on him or talking to someone behind his back. I said no! I'm feeling very insecure and weird that my husband was dating 20 year olds just a month before meeting me. I'm 40.

 

He said no... I am clearly cheating or trying to hide something because I am digging up stuff to make drama. Then he started in about how he felt fat, and it is probably reason I trying to find someone else!

 

The fight was awful and he ended it by telling me that he is not going to play my game and that I am causing all of this drama w my ridiculous behavior and that he feels I may be unstable and need medication.

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Classic projection.

As I said, he is definitely suffering from a personality disorder and I would venture to suggest - although I am definitely NOT providing any form of official diagnosis - that he is an extreme narcissist.

 

Please please - quit telling us all the dreadful, destructive, debilitating, disabling things he is doing, and tell us, instead, of how you are working positively to get out of this marriage as quickly and sanely as you can.

 

You need to tie up your finances so that he cannot access them at all, and you need to get out of there, and move to a safe haven, either with family or friends.

It is insane to remain under the same roof as him.

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regine_phalange

I have an advice. Don't stay too much in that relationship. I had a similar boyfriend (for the first and last time) whom I loved a lot at the time. He knew it but he saw me as an emotional dumpster. Whenever he was angry with someone else or something I'd hear about it. And if I dared say something about maybe trying to understand the other person's side so they can reconcile? Uh, He got in a rage!

 

Well, my patience and caring wasn't helpful. He was the one having the problem after all. He checked ALL borderline personality disorder boxes and some of the narcissistic as well. He couldn't appreciate love because he didn't know what love is - he couldn't recognise it as a feeling. He couldn't love but he couldn't feel that he was loved either. He said "I love you" because it was his way of getting things done. He absolutely needed medication. And after the relationship I needed medication too.

 

In other words, my advice is RUN. FAST!

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isthislove35

I feel like I need psychiatric help sometimes because I hear how ridiculous and emotionally abusive he can be... But I can't get myself to feel anything other than anger and frustration. I never feel like leaving him. I just feel so frustrated that I can't get through to him. It's terribly mind blowing that he would say that my jealousy and insecurity (admitted) over his past chasing 19 and 20 year olds .. Is concocted drama by me... In an effort to hurt his health and make him fat.

 

Oh and quite possibly... It's because I'm planning to cheat or exit the marriage and I need something to hang my hat on.

 

No! The girl tried to friend me. And I saw he was her mutual friend. Then I looked through her timeline and saw him out partying with her just before he met me. Dance clubs? Fancy dinners? He says her father was there too. It was just friendship.

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regine_phalange
I feel like I need psychiatric help sometimes because I hear how ridiculous and emotionally abusive he can be... But I can't get myself to feel anything other than anger and frustration. I never feel like leaving him. I just feel so frustrated that I can't get through to him. It's terribly mind blowing that he would say that my jealousy and insecurity (admitted) over his past chasing 19 and 20 year olds .. Is concocted drama by me... In an effort to hurt his health and make him fat.

 

Oh and quite possibly... It's because I'm planning to cheat or exit the marriage and I need something to hang my hat on.

 

No! The girl tried to friend me. And I saw he was her mutual friend. Then I looked through her timeline and saw him out partying with her just before he met me. Dance clubs? Fancy dinners? He says her father was there too. It was just friendship.

 

Him getting angry over it just shows how guilty he is! I know. Trust me. I'm even ashamed thinking about what I handled in my own similar relationship. Now I want to punch myself in the face. Trust your gut instinct - he's not to be trusted!

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Classic projection.

As I said, he is definitely suffering from a personality disorder and I would venture to suggest - although I am definitely NOT providing any form of official diagnosis - that he is an extreme narcissist.

 

Please please - quit telling us all the dreadful, destructive, debilitating, disabling things he is doing, and tell us, instead, of how you are working positively to get out of this marriage as quickly and sanely as you can.

 

You need to tie up your finances so that he cannot access them at all, and you need to get out of there, and move to a safe haven, either with family or friends.

It is insane to remain under the same roof as him.

 

I feel like I need psychiatric help sometimes because I hear how ridiculous and emotionally abusive he can be... But I can't get myself to feel anything other than anger and frustration. I never feel like leaving him. I just feel so frustrated that I can't get through to him. It's terribly mind blowing that he would say that my jealousy and insecurity (admitted) over his past chasing 19 and 20 year olds .. Is concocted drama by me... In an effort to hurt his health and make him fat.

 

Oh and quite possibly... It's because I'm planning to cheat or exit the marriage and I need something to hang my hat on.

 

No! The girl tried to friend me. And I saw he was her mutual friend. Then I looked through her timeline and saw him out partying with her just before he met me. Dance clubs? Fancy dinners? He says her father was there too. It was just friendship.

 

The above is just more of the same.

You're expanding on how dreadful he is to you.

We all agree.

We all advise you to get out.

 

So? Stop adding more info about him, and start adding more info on YOUR exit strategy!

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