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Dating midlife men: so much negativity


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PinkInTheLimo

I have met a few guys via an online dating site this year and there is one thing that really baffled me: it seems indeed that some men become bloody grumpy from their late forties on.

I am a 50 year old woman and I am looking for a man more or less my age. Despite having reached the dreaded 50 I still seem to get some attention on dating sites from my target group: men somewhere between 45 en 55. I would even say that I get a bit more attention from guys who are a few years younger than me.

So far so good. These guys notice my profile, we exchange some emails and they ask me out on a date.

 

But when on the date they behave in such an uncharming way that I am wondering what they want to achieve.

 

Some examples. A couple of months ago I met a guy for a drink. He did not live in my city but worked there, and proposed to meet for a drink after work. So when I saw him, I thanked him for having stayed a bit longer in my city instead of immediately returning to his. He answered very laconically: "Well, otherwise I would just have been sitting alone at home." Pfff. I can't say that he was unfriendly during the date but he gave such a washed out impression, as if life did not have a lot to offer any more. I still have a lot of plans and dreams and am enthousiastic about it but if you are the only enthousiastic one in a conversation you feel like you have to be some kind of cheerleader. And you feel exhausted after the date.

Apparently I was a good cheerleader because he wanted to see me again but I refused. This guy would drain all the energy out of me.

 

But that was not the worst date. This weekend I had a date with "a critic". Now this was a guy who was really positive about my profile, insisted that we would meet because he thought we had a lot in common. His profile was interesting and his looks OK so no problem for me to meet him. But during the date I felt I was pushed in a defensive position all the time. Why someone does this on a first date totally escapes me. I don't think he was so negatively surprised about the way I looked because the date lasted three hours so I presume it was not too bad for him.

 

Just an example. I don't own a car. That's not a political statement even if I care a lot about the environment. I simply don't need a car in my life right now. I live in a big city in western europe with excellent public transportation and I live very close to my work. A car would be a nuisance: I would find no place to park it and be stuck in traffic jams. I have nothing against cars (even though I prefer those who do not pollute the environment too much) and nothing against car owners. I can perfectly imagine that if you live outside of the city and have kids that you can't do without.

My date did however feel the need to criticise the fact that I did not have a car by mentioning the downsides of public transportation. He made a conflict and a discussion out of it.

 

I really hate this, it's so exhausting. I can understand that you criticise someone for something that personally upsets you but how on earth can it bother you that someone does not have a car. He also kept harping about the fact that I had travelled on my own a couple of times. Apparently he felt that a single woman should always travel with female friends. As if it is so easy to find female friends who can and want to travel with you.

 

I don't know if this guy will ask me on a second date but I will refuse. I don't feel like constantly justifying myself. It totally escapes me why someone behaves like that on a first date, where you would expect one to be on his best behaviour (OK, maybe this was his best behaviour - not very promising for the future...).

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StalwartMind

Well not the biggest shock in some sense I guess, a lot of men, especially around your age or older can be very set in their way. It does seem highly illogical to spend a "date" on negativity. By all means everyone is different, but even so I feel like there would be better things to do than criticize your date. I also don't see the problem either with traveling alone nor the fact you don't own a car. Some countries especially in Europe do have great ways of transportation without need for one, unlike say the U.S. where you are greatly handicapped without, at least if you do not live in a larger city.

 

While I may only be in the mid thirties I've always felt since a young age, that it is illogical to look at things in a negative light. A few or even many bad dates still won't give you a fair impression of all the men out there. I'm sure some don't even care to join online dating sites, which doesn't exactly help your situation, but I like to believe there are many ways to meet people, even when you pass a certain age.

 

I like to know people before I decide to invest my personal time in them, I know everyone have difference preferences, but that can actually be to your own benefit. If you have some patience then trying to get a better feel for people, can often yield good results. If someone takes the time to respond to your in a positive and thorough manner, and also happen to write things that resonate well with you, then that seems to be something that might be worth exploring more. Some extended email/text messaging can show if a person has consistency that also match their actions and words. Ideally we all want to end up meeting someone that just makes us feel comfortable and appreciated.

 

The first date who said "Well, otherwise I would just have been sitting alone at home" that made me laugh a bit, not to be rude, but it seems like a very typical thing to say by someone who perhaps isn't too used to socialize or converse too much. That may naturally not be the case, but yeah it won't sit well with everyone. Despite that the rest of the date didn't leave a good impression, sometimes people even of experience and age, are very much out of tune with how best to respond to things. This certainly has made me become very patient as I know people can easily be misunderstood. Of course you can't spend the rest of your life trying to figure out if that was just his overall attitude, but sometimes we can draw to certain conclusions a bit too fast.

 

Just something to keep in mind, although I am not here to tell you or anyone else how they should perceive things, that is after all your choice. You are right you shouldn't have to justify yourself, especially doing so constantly. In an ideal scenario we shouldn't have to defend or explain every single bit, much like you even in this very post greatly describing your view on cars and the environment. I think this is just a tendency we've developed and I don't think it's going to go away anytime soon. Because most humans love to judge others, it's like everyone have to go around with their shield up. This can create conflicts not to forget that you can never "truly" relax, until at the very least you find someone where that isn't needed.

 

Being polite and showing kindness never gets old though, I appreciate that as much as the next person. Regardless of that I do still think that the most ideal person you can meet, is someone who you just feel relaxed around, so you can be yourself. In fact we should all be encouraged to just be ourselves, because if someone doesn't like the way we are, well then that person just isn't meant to be around us. I'm well aware that my personality will not click with some people, this neither discourages or disappoint me, because I'm also aware that there are many who greatly like. As such life is about finding those whom we connect with on a greater level. Hopefully you'll not be too discouraged from the negativity you've experienced, but instead find inspiration to try again.

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Jaded.

 

When it comes to dating and relationships, most men in that age group have been there, done that and got the t-shirt. We have seen the good and bad of relationships. No longer feel the need to impress women.

 

While I agree that a little kindness and courtesy goes a long way, I don't think anyone should be surprised if a man in his late forties or early fifties is in "no more Mr. Nice Guy" mode. It's probably reflective of his experiences.

Edited by MidKnightDreams
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PinkInTheLimo
Jaded.

 

When it comes to dating and relationships, most men in that age group have been there, done that and got the t-shirt. We have seen the good and bad of relationships. No longer feel the need to impress women.

 

I am not asking to be impressed. We had a drink on a lovely terrace at the seaside. Great venue, fantastic weather. All I wanted from him was that he showed up (he did) with a positive attitude (either he does not have it or he forgot it).

 

While I agree that a little kindness and courtesy goes a long way, I don't think anyone should be surprised if a man in his late forties or early fifties is in "no more Mr. Nice Guy" mode. It's probably reflective of his experiences.

 

That is well possible. But I am not responsible for whatever experiences he had nor is he for my past experiences. And by being so grumpy the only thing he will achieve is that yet another woman turns him down.

 

You mentioned "kindness". It's an underestimated value these days.

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I think it's reasonably true to say that men of our age (I'm 48) can be very cynical and jaded or otherwise downright weird (OLD men that is....or even some of the real life ones....)

 

It seems to be the case that (generalisation alert!) younger people fretting about dating are still worrying/thinking about who they are, how they are perceived and what they want in life, whereas the older people fretting about dating think they know who they are, don't so much care about how they are perceived and are still thinking about what they want in life. Sometimes all of this overthinking makes people suffer from "foot-in-mouth" disease and it stops them from being courteous and good company.

 

You're just still meeting the wrong people, hopefully it'll get better :)

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I think some men especially if married or in LTRs tend, in social situations, to let the wife do the talking and they end up nodding or raising eyebrows in a corner with other husbands or manning the bbq, or getting slowly/quickly drunk. Socially they are disasters.

I know many smart, interesting to talk to, quick witted, positive women who are with deadbeat, boring, socially inept, negative men.

 

Men who are often pretty dogmatic, their ideas are cast in stone and they are not open to much discussion. Some I guess, are just used to shutting down discussion dead, as discussion leads to arguments and some in bad relationships just cannot cope or are no good at conflict.

Their way or the highway can be leveled against them, but an equal number I guess are under the thumb too or skilled at "keeping the peace".

 

Many, I think, are clinically depressed.

They function, they go through the motions, but they are not enjoying life.

 

So flung onto the dating merry go round, men like this, are fish out of water.

They want the sex, they want relationships, but some just do not have the wherewithal or social skills, to attract modern, single women of any age group.

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PinkInTheLimo
Many, I think, are clinically depressed.

They function, they go through the motions, but they are not enjoying life.

 

So flung onto the dating merry go round, men like this, are fish out of water.

They want the sex, they want relationships, but some just do not have the wherewithal or social skills, to attract modern, single women of any age group.

 

I think you are spot on. I don't think this man has it easy, and he gets all my compassion for that. He went through a divorce which was bad, and a couple of years after the divorce his ex-wife passed away so now he raises two teenagers himself. At the same time he is running his own business.

I totally understand that this is not an easy situation. But it is no excuse for being unkind to me.

 

He should thank the gods on his both knees that a woman like me was prepared to give him a chance. I am 100% single, no kids, have my own apartment. I am smart, slim and fit. I really enjoy life.

The man who wants to be my partner will have a better life because of me, not a worse life. But I want kindness not senseless criticism.

 

You know what? I've seen this often. The grumpy demanding man for who no woman is good enough ends up with an average overweight one. I've seen that many times. Maybe they need to feel superior towards their partner.

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I know, right? It's so sad. I am enthusiastic and am I'm looking for the same in a man. I know he's out there, even though the jaded ones will love for you to believe he doesn't exist.

 

It's not fair to punish new people for what happened in the past. We've all been through things. There is so much more life to live.

Edited by Popsicle
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PinkInTheLimo

OMG, this says it so well: "When I was growing up, the happiest women I saw were our grandmothers and great-aunts. I was told that this was because they were widows. They weren’t rich, they simply had their own space and moved at their own rhythm."

From: It?s men who make women grumpy - Telegraph

 

If this is indeed the case, I'd rather stay single. I was never married so I already have less patience than other women with a difficult partner.

 

Life is too short to let yours be spoilt by the negativity of someone else.

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I've never said this out loud before but I experienced the exact same thing dating women. I am a bit younger than your age range. I dated women from 32 to 49. I found that women mid 40's and over to be almost very confident (huge plus) but also very cynical. It was like they didn't have any "girl" left in them.

 

I found women under 35 to be lacking any genuine confidence and with a good amount of girl left. 35 - 40 really seemed to be the sweet spot. Confidence and girlish optimism and life that I find so intoxicating.

 

None of the women I dated were menaupausal or post menaupausal (that I knew of).

 

That last thing will say is you should date your own kind. I found I couldn't deal with the never marrieds/no kids women. It was like we were different types of humans. So you might want to pull that into the equation and see if there is any truth to it for you.

 

Try lowering your age range a bit and see what happens!

 

Ok I am done generalizing unfairly....

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I've been talking about the walking dead for years here. Now you've dated some of them. I was like that five years ago. No joy in life just trying to get through the day.

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Mortality creeps in and we (men) each handle it differently. We reflect on our lives and successes and failures and sometimes accepting the reality that we're closer to death than youth can lead to negative feelings regarding interpersonal relationships. IMO, it boils down to the individual and their personal outlook on life.

 

A good friend (male) was suggesting to me this past Sunday, as we were driving home from a car show in Maryland, that I needed to get married again. He's of the generation (he's 70) who feels men who are married live longer. Watching him and his wife, whom I love dearly and have known for 15 years or so, realistically I don't want to grow old that way. Different paths for different personalities. When he questioned me about aspects of my past marriage (he knew my exW), I really had no negative stuff to share, mainly differences and a loss of love. That was about it. It's nice to finish business and move on.

 

However, one positive I could place into the negatives apparently experienced is that the men being discussed, while perhaps exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, are still 'in the game', meaning they want to date and mate with women. To me, that's a positive. Once a man my age moves beyond that, he's off the market, permanently, regardless of his personality. He doesn't desire a mate and women of his age group won't find him attractive because he doesn't exhibit the signs of 'maleness' that they find attractive in a man. For myself, it's been a wonderful time to grow female friendships and move beyond all the dating and mating stuff. A positive time. Another man will have his own experiences and process them how he does.

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Jaded.

 

When it comes to dating and relationships, most men in that age group have been there, done that and got the t-shirt. We have seen the good and bad of relationships. No longer feel the need to impress women.

 

While I agree that a little kindness and courtesy goes a long way, I don't think anyone should be surprised if a man in his late forties or early fifties is in "no more Mr. Nice Guy" mode. It's probably reflective of his experiences.

 

But he shouldn't expect that attitude to work for him, either.

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PinkInTheLimo
I found that women mid 40's and over to be almost very confident (huge plus) but also very cynical.

 

For the record, I am a woman dating men. From your message I am not sure if you are not presuming that I am a man dating women.

 

The thing is: I am NOT cynical. I am simply uncapable of cynicism. I am idealistic. I still hope to find a relationship with a lot of romance, kindness and fun.

But as a woman it is true that I see a lot of women my age who have become really hard and harsh.

I'm not like that. I love life and life is much better for me now than when I was 20.

 

That last thing will say is you should date your own kind. I found I couldn't deal with the never marrieds/no kids women. It was like we were different types of humans. So you might want to pull that into the equation and see if there is any truth to it for you.

 

Try lowering your age range a bit and see what happens!

 

Lowering my age range does not make a lot of sense since at 50 I belong to a very unpopular group of women. It's already hard to find a man my age who wants to date a woman his age, let alone to find a younger man who wants to date a woman of 50. I am open to date younger but have not seen any interest in my profile by the guys in their early forties.

 

Men with kids are not a problem for me. I find them better than the never married, no kids men who always seem to be commitmentphobics.

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autumnnight

Honestly, I would rather a man who expects all women to be terrible to be up front about it. Makes the process of moving on a lot easier. In fact, I kinda wish every man who I might potentially consider dating would post on an anonymous forum and I could read it. Then I could just cross out the ones who start any sentence with "women always" or "all women". :)

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The op strikes me a whiney. The guy says the wrong thing or engages in a discussion and he's too much of a problem.

 

 

What did the date look like from his end? I'll take a guess: This woman was annoyed no matter what I said! We couldn't even talk about cars without her getting annoyed.

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OP, you're generalizing a great deal about a whole generation of men based on a very small N. Two guys (or even 100 guys) out of a billion baby boomers is not going to be a meaningful sample to draw any conclusions. Even if it were, there are plenty of outliers from the mean.

 

I am in my thirties, but I date a very wide age range, and that has included a a couple of 50-year old guys. Neither was negative or cynical. They were both outgoing, charming, and really went all out to make our dates memorable. What I liked most was they knew what they wanted and weren't afraid to communicate it.

 

You just happened to meet a couple of socially inept guys. That's luck of the draw and can happen with any age group. Look at male posters on this board. They come in all flavors of positivity and negativity, and it's not limited to a particular age group. My advice is to keep dating without becoming cynical like these two guys you describe. Eventually you'll find more positive guys who are a better match for you. (And yes, making broad, negative generalizations and having unfounded stereotypes about a large subpopulation of individuals is a form of cynicism.)

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autumnnight

Yep. There are plenty of healthy, positive, mature men out there. There's no need to worry about the jaded whiners who blame all womenkind for the crappy deal they got in the past.

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A lot of us lose faith in humanity in our forties because we've been through a lot of abusive crap. I'm going through a lot of junk because of the abusive crap I've been through and been very disillusioned by a lot of things. For a reference listen to sting's "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You" as a great example. Right not there is simply nothing for me to believe in and I've come to a default position that people are just imbeciles the world over until proven otherwise because they just don't know how to be a good person. There is simply nothing for me to believe in anymore.

 

On the other hand it could be that you're just going through a string of guys who are just very apathetic and are just going through the motions because it's what's expected of them.

 

after all, we must do what we're expected to do or we're nothing more than a dirty rotten bleepity bleep kind of person, for ever and ever and ever and ever....

 

 

On through the never we must go.

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PinkInTheLimo
Yep. There are plenty of healthy, positive, mature men out there. There's no need to worry about the jaded whiners who blame all womenkind for the crappy deal they got in the past.

 

Are these healthy, positive, mature men on online dating sites? I don't see a lot of those there. This guy actually had one of the better profiles. He certainly is intelligeht but there's too much antagonism in him.

 

I have recently subscribed to an activities' club in my city and I think I will focus more on that. More spontaneous and less pressure.

One can keep dating until one finds a good match but to be honest I quickly tire of the whole thing. After three unsuccesful dates I already lose my courage.

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autumnnight
Are these healthy, positive, mature men on online dating sites? I don't see a lot of those there. This guy actually had one of the better profiles. He certainly is intelligeht but there's too much antagonism in him.

 

I have recently subscribed to an activities' club in my city and I think I will focus more on that. More spontaneous and less pressure.

One can keep dating until one finds a good match but to be honest I quickly tire of the whole thing. After three unsuccesful dates I already lose my courage.

 

Now that I cannot tell you. I'm just going off people I meet in real life. I have learned the hard way to beware of who people say they are online. Between sociopaths and stalkers, the pickin's are downright dangerous at times. I would bet there ARE some really great men online. It would just be a matter of weeding out all the ones who know how to seem great and really aren't. Sme for women.

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I think there are a few things at play...

 

Foremost, I can't imagine men are out there looking for that one great relationship. They're old enough to remember that the grass isn't greener, and more likely than not, you're just another woman who doesn't look quite as good as the women in his selective memory. More than likely, the ideal woman is simply pleasant to be with, is not a strain on the eyes, and is willing to **** at the same frequency that the man desires. Most men of that age are probably not looking to replace their ex-wives with a new one. They are probably just looking for some companionship where they don't have to try so hard.

 

Second, the ones that have been cut loose and are free at this age are not your top-shelf guys; those are the ones that are still married, still making that decades old relationship work. These are the guys who didn't care to put in the time to make it work, or who are jaded by their experience with a woman who may have just took him to the cleaners.

 

Third, nobody of this should expect that dating in your fifties is going to be like dating in your twenties. I would imagine a lot more multi-dating going on. I would imagine a lot less wild times, and far fewer friends in their circles. More responsibilities, and at least a little more realistic view of things, which brings me back to first and foremost.

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Michelle ma Belle

I hate to say it but this is just how the online game is played.

 

OP, your experience isn't unique at all. In fact it's pretty much par for the course as far as I see it and if you doubt it just keep reading through all the OLD forums on here. There are p.l.e.n.t.y. to go around.

 

And lets not forget that these frustrations go for both sexes. One gender doesn't necessarily have it harder than the other, it's just a different experience.

 

There are plenty of single, happy and "normal" men and women of all ages ready to find their better half. Some of them are even online except that being online tends to bring out the worst in us despite our best intentions. At least that's my humble opinion.

 

OLD is a numbers game, plain and simple. And the longer you do it the more jaded you tend to become.

 

As for dating men in your age bracket, perhaps it's time to consider looking outside your circle (younger or older). I was in a similar situation and had similar experiences with dating until I decided to open myself up to dating men outside my preferred age range and VOILA!

 

I also think it's a very good idea to expand your social circle and experiences by getting involved in various activities you enjoy, where you can meet men more organically. Sometimes that's all it takes to remedy a less than desirable experience ;)

 

 

Good luck!

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PinkInTheLimo
As for dating men in your age bracket, perhaps it's time to consider looking outside your circle (younger or older). I was in a similar situation and had similar experiences with dating until I decided to open myself up to dating men outside my preferred age range and VOILA!

 

I look at the profile of everyone that contacts me. Younger men rarely contact me. Older men are a big no-no. 8 years older is my absolute age maximum and the guy would have to be a real catch. There is no way I would hook up with a guy 10 to 15 years older than myself. They are simply too old.

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