S/O takes days to get over arguments. Is this normal?

[garfish99]

We don't fight often. The last one was months ago. There's a pattern where every time we have an argument, he goes on for days not wanting to see me and only sending neutral texts. Nothing with any affection in them. He texts "Good morning" and "goodnight" and that's it other than some random texts during the day. If I ask how he's feeling he does respond with detailed answers and asks how I'm feeling. Lately he seemed to be warming up more by talking about some sexy stuff. But at bedtime, I wrote a sexy compliment and he responded,"Thanks, you too." I've learned not to initiate plans when he's like this. He just says he's too upset to see me. I apologized *right after the fight in a way that shows I'm taking full responsibility for my actions. I admit that I was unintentionally obnoxious and didn't back off when I should have.

 

The argument was Thursday, it is now Monday night. I have not seen him since Tuesday. But he has been initiating text convos every day. I'm just giving him space until he comes to me. Not sure what else to do. I never had partners hold grudges for this long. Is this normal for some people? He claims he just takes a long time to get over things.

 

Skip if you don't care about the actual argument. Just wanted to give some background info in case it makes any difference. Also shows how ridiculous the entire thing is.

START BORING ARGUMENT/

We're in an open relationship. We went to a gaming meetup together and afterward he was commenting on a girl we both met and spoke to just briefly. He was referring to her as the "really hot girl" and I said,"I think she's one of the most beautiful women I've seen in the game." He said dreamily,"Yeah she is." And he went on to say that she has this "quiet sex appeal." "She seems so interesting, I wish I had chatted with her more." This was the only comment that made me feel weird because he spent the entire night talking to me. So what I HEARD was,"I wish I spent less time talking to you and more time talking to her because she is sooooo amazing and now I feel like I missed my chance." I pushed these feelings aside and decided they were irrational. This is an open relationship! And I always wanted a threesome so I started a convo about that. Anything that includes me seems ok to me.

 

Later on, a girl on group chat was asking everyone,"What is that beautiful girl's name? The cool girl with the Southern accent? Love her!" He replied to her,"You can't love her, I loved her first!"which looked like indirect flirting to me. The next morning, I wrote,"What's the name of the girl you were interested in again?" "He said,"Which girl?" I said,"How many girls are you interested in? I mean the beautiful girl we met last night" He said,"Oh, that was Wendy" But when I noticed his "I loved her first!" comments later, I said,"Ok, you totally want to pursue her" Him, "I'm not into her like that." Me: "Wait, I'm confused. You said a, b, c. Are you sure?" I said,"What about the threesome we discussed?" He told me to stop. I said,"I thought you were at least serious about that." He said,"Can you drop it. You're making me feel like a horny creep. I can't even help female players in the game without you thinking I want them. I help men too you know." (I have made teasing comments about women before that he seemed to go out of to way to help,but he NEVER told me it bothered him.) I apologized for unintentionally going on about the girl and that I didn't realize how much teasing him about those other women bothered him.

 

The next morning I sent the usual good morning message with some sexy compliments mixed in. He always responds within 5 minutes, but instead he spent the next hour ignoring me and writing on group chat. So I wrote,"Forget it". He blew up at me over my attitude and said that on top of the night before he was not very happy to "Leave me alone. Please stop talking to me". But he continued rehasing things. We tried to talk out on chat until I said,"I'm not texting anymore, it's just making things worse." I called him to apologize and he thanked me for the call. One of his more recent texts stated, "I'm busy helping so and so with the game. And by the way, he's a GUY." My response: "Ok."

/END BORING ARGUMENT.

Edited August 4, 2015 by garfish99

[RoseVille]

You sound possessive and jealous in that fight, neither of which work in an open relationship.

[Iron Bubba]

No.

 

That kind of reaction comes from being in an abusive one way relationship for many years.

 

That's how I react with my mom because I can't talk to her about anything.

 

She only gets mad at me and uses bull poop dishonest tactics to put me down because she can only see me as a baby and not as a man. And because i am a baby to her nothing i say is correct and I can't be mad or upset at her for any reason, even more so if i have a valid reason to be upset at her.

 

So that is the only way I can react to my mother.

 

He may have gone through something very similar. he may be seeing those qualities in you.

 

So if you care about him, and his feelings, you may want to go see a counselor to help you develop better ways of communicating with him to be considerate of his feelings. But first you might want to record how you communicate with him so you can take that recording to a specialist so they can have a better understanding of how to help you learn more effective tactics to communicate with him.

 

If you are indeed the kind of woman that has to be dominating over men and doesn't give a damn about his feelings, then that is a one way relationship and you might as well just dump him for another woman that you can respect.

 

And don't push him into accepting your apology, if you care about how he feels. if you push him, you'll only push him away, and it is not about him, but about validating you. Which goes back to being a one way relationship and you might as well dump him.

 

A good relationship is a two way street. It is based on friendship and trust, and the only way to establish trust is to communicate. If all you do is dictate to him, you are not communicating to him, you are just telling him what to do and there is no real communication there.

 

And a lot of men just don't like that, especially if they have been in an abusive relationship.

[Tayla]

Stop baiting him.

 

Hopefully some posters who have experience in moving your relationship into a healthier zone will chime in.

 

Sounds like you apologize and then go back to behaving in away that you just apologized for. Maybe you can re-evaluate that pattern?

[garfish99]

No.

 

That kind of reaction comes from being in an abusive one way relationship for many years.

 

That's how I react with my mom because I can't talk to her about anything

 

He may have gone through something very similar. he may be seeing those qualities in you.....

 

...And a lot of men just don't like that, especially if they have been in an abusive relationship.

 

He told me he was severely emotionally abused by his father as a child. I have posted about him in different advice forums before. You're not the first person to pick up on it.

 

I am taking everything you wrote into consideration though.

[Iron Bubba]

He told me he was severely emotionally abused by his father as a child. I have posted about him in different advice forums before. You're not the first person to pick up on it.

 

I am taking everything you wrote into consideration though.

 

Thank you, i appreciate that.

 

I apologize if i come across as being overly assertive, but you see, one thing guys do share with women is we absolutely hate having our emotions manipulated and dismissed too. We often do need to have ourselves validated just as much as you do. Even more so when you're the type of guy that values things like honesty, integrity, decency, grace, and dignity.

 

Despite the imbeciles who go on about how emotions are irrelevant. Dismissing someone's emotions is just another lame excuse to hurt people. And there's far too many of those flying around in America these days.

 

Keep in mind though, I am just a faceless poster on this board and i do not know you in any capacity at all. I could very well be wrong.

[Els]

You really don't sound like you are cut out for an open relationship, OP. There's nothing wrong with that - most of us aren't. Was the open R his idea or yours?

 

I get that you asked about the argument itself, but the entire thing stems from an open R that you aren't really happy with. If you were both monogamous I would say that he's being an *******, but it's hard to fault him for making the most out of an arrangement that you agreed to.

[garfish99]

You really don't sound like you are cut out for an open relationship, OP. There's nothing wrong with that - most of us aren't. Was the open R his idea or yours?

 

I get that you asked about the argument itself, but the entire thing stems from an open R that you aren't really happy with. If you were both monogamous I would say that he's being an *******, but it's hard to fault him for making the most out of an arrangement that you agreed to.

 

He told me from the beginning that he really prefers swinging, namely threesomes. And doesn't feel like he has the time to see other people because of his two demanding jobs. He said in his past relationships he didn't care to see others but enjoyed hearing about his partners having relationships. So he's been encouraging me to "get out there." Hasnt been my priority while looking for a job. My last long relationship turned poly at the end.. I got used to it but still preferred semi-monogamy for myself.

 

It seems tacky to me, open relationship or not, to go on about another person's sex appeal and overall awesomeness when we are supposed to be enjoying each other's company. I'm sure if I was hanging out with one of my nephew's, they wouldn't like it if I kept talking about how awesome their brother was and that I wish I was spending more time with their brother. Figured next time he does it I could gently request that he just tell me whether he plans on pursuing it. I don't need to hear the details. Must be a way to express that without making a big stink out if it, right?

[Arieswoman]

garfish99,

I always thought that open relationships had the rule that nothing should come before the primary relationship?

 

I don't know what rules you guys have made but this just sounds like a complete communication breakdown.

 

You need to talk to him about what you both want out of this relationship because it sounds like neither of you are having your needs met.

[Otter2569]

This is me and like Iron Bubba says its from growing up in a verbally abusive household.

 

How you treat him and what you say to him trigger emotions from his past. I am living this now in my current relationship. If he feels over powered, mistreated, unfairly judged etc he will withdraw.

 

My current GF is a yeller and gets very emotional. We are oil and ****ing water in a fight. I prefer to talk through a situation but when we cant I shut down and want to be any where but there, I have driven home over an hour in the middle of the night in a blizzard rather than be yelled at or made to feel bad.

 

What you say and how you say it matters. You are not making him feel safe.

[garfish99]

I get why he would want to withdraw this time, but he has withdrawn after every argument, even the ones where he later admitted to being an unreasonable jerk. He commented after a fight that he knows he can be difficult and he can understand if I want to take a break from him. So I guess he just needs these long cool down periods and it's just the way he is. All I can do is work on my own behavior.

 

Could you guys tell me the best way to handle it besides just giving him space? I haven't initiated any dates. I initiate texts 50/50 and that's it. It's just "How are you doing" type condos, him asking about my dad who has cancer, and some flirting and joking and talking about our day. Last night he told me about his disaster of a day. I don't talk to him about the relationship. Figure that could wait till we see each other in person.

 

Last night he told me his stomach was bothering him and that if he felt better later, he wanted to run with me. His stomach didnt improve and he seemed disappointed to cancel. He didn't mention an alternative day. I chatted with him earlier but it's clear he's not going to initiate plans for tonight. Tomorrow is my only free day before I go away for the weekend. He knows I'm going away. Argument was last Thur. I haven't seen him since Tues over a week ago. Not sure what I should do. Wait for him to initiate plans or ask him if he wants to do something tomorrow. I don't want to be pushy.