Separate finances -- yes or no?

[jaymoq]

Do you agree or disagree with keeping separate finances after marriage or with long-term partners? Whenever I have entered in to a long term partnership, I've always pulled money with my partner and we have paid bills and our obligations as a couple. However, we were both making around the same money and any debts we had we had accumulated together. Fast forward to my current relationship. I am engaged and have been with this man for about 1.5 years. When we met, I was upfront I had gone through a nasty divorce and ended up with sizeable debt. I was not in default and my credit is great, but I do make big payments each month. I also own horses, which does take some finances. But, I otherwise live on the cheap driving an economical car, couponing, I don't watch cable, etc. I lived in a tiny rental with my horses on property. When he asked me to move in about 6 months ago, he lived in a HUGE house in the city so I had to put my horses at a facility (talk about $$) and he asked for my to contribute to the bills. Makes sense. However, the amount of money I pay to be WITH him is more than I would pay to be by myself.

 

I barely make enough per paycheck to cover bills (I am making large debt payments though) and pay for necessities (fuel, groceries, etc). My partner makes a substantial amount more than I do and has excess left over. Even at the rate of my paying my debts, it will be 3-4 years until I am debt free.

 

What bothers me is that I will be struggling for those 4 years while he continues to build capital, save money, and live lavishly. He eats out daily. He just bought a very expensive truck. And, that is his right. He makes the money, he can spend it. But, I feel like joining in to a marriage where I will be floundering while he is fluorishing is backwards. I could actually live WITH my horses and SAVE money if I were single. I have asked if he would consider waiting to wed until AFTER my debt is paid off so we can go in to this partnership as equals but he insists we already are.

 

I am not expecting him to pay my debt off. While the debt is actually one I inherited from my ex and was part of our negotiations in the divorce, I am ultimately responsible for it. I am also responsible for my horses. Granted, I wouldn't be paying NEARLY what I pay now if I didn't live in the city but-- you get the idea.

 

It just gets demeaning after awhile. I pay him rent monthly since the mortgage is in his name. He wants to go on trips but knows I can't afford to go, and then says he'll "spot me". Even the wedding itself he said he'll "take care of". He points out I can't afford certain things because of my finances. It really doesn't make this feel like a partnership. I don't expect him to help me pay my debts off, but on the other hand, if he marries ME, isn't he marrying MY responsibilites as well? Its like he wants to marry the GOOD of me, but is ignoring the fact I have debt, I have obligations, and I am struggling just to feed myself.

 

The logical thing would be to sell my horses, I agree. But, quite honestly, I can afford them if I didn't live in the city. Do I give up MY hobbies and MY 'family' (they've been with me for years) just so I can commit to this relationship?

[Got it]

It is really going to vary by couple. Some will keep things very separate, others will commingle. It depends on what the two parties want to do. If your SO doesn't want to commingle then you will remain in your current set up. I would discuss how moving into the city does impact you negatively and maybe the move will have to be off the table unless is willing to assume more of the expenses?

 

And I have horses as well, I fully understand the expenses and the joy! I would say that it would be a no go for me to have a SO expect me to give up any of my animals including my horses. But I also make sure to cover their costs. But the decision to buy and sell is mine though I discuss heavily with my husband. For example, I have one horses right now that I bought for 15K, could sell right now at 25K (and I am pondering since I am pregnant and not sure how much I can ride afterwards), or keep her in training, get her to an upper level in the next year and sell her for 30-35K. But my husband and clearly stated it is my decision, he doesn't want to be the deciding factor.

 

My other two aren't worth anything and are retired. They are with me till they move across the rainbow. I assume their costs (which are minimal).

Edited August 3, 2015 by Got it

[Lois_Griffin]

All you're really doing is slowly going broke while helping him save money.

 

You know, I have to be honest. Anyone who supposedly loves you - yet has absolutely ZERO compassion or concern for your financial welfare is someone I wouldn't hitch my wagon to.

 

A few years ago when I was single and dating my now husband, things were very tight. He knew I was living on an extreme budget and respected that. He'd always do sweet things like gift me with certain items that I tried to buy sparingly because they were expensive - k-cups for my Kurig coffeemaker or a favorite liquor I liked, etc. etc. One time, I overpaid my bills and then realized I was going to overdraw my checking account like a dunce. Since I wanted to avoid the cost of 4 or 5 bounced electronic payments, I asked him if I could borrow $400 to put in my checking account until the following week when I could pay him back. I even wrote him out a check and post-dated it for the following week - I wasn't looking for a handout, just a way to avoid paying $150 in bounced check fees. LOL.

 

A couple weeks later when I was dusting, I found my $400 check to him ripped up in tiny little pieces and hidden under a candy dish on the end table. I couldn't help but laugh when I found it. But just knowing that he cared enough about me that he wouldn't just let me sink meant more to me than he'll probably ever know. Even to this day.

 

I guess my point is that your boyfriend sounds selfish, and like he really doesn't give a crap that you're slowly sinking. He's benefitting from it and that seems to be all that matters. I'm even willing to bet you've probably become the housemaid, laundress, and cook. Wouldn't surprise me. So it's win/win for him, all the way around.

 

Honestly, the whole thing sounds like it sucks. It sounds like he thinks of you as his 'broke' roommate that he constantly has to pitch in for. And then saying he'll 'spot' you for a freakin trip? Really? I was dating my now husband for maybe 3 or 4 months when he booked a cruise for us to surprise me. There was none of that degrading bullsh*t about 'spotting' me for it, either. What nonsense.

 

Truth is, any debt you come into the marriage with is yours. Any debt you accumulate DURING the marriage is both of yours. He knew you had horses when you met, so why should you just sell your pets off if you marry him? They were part of the package and he knew it going in.

 

Quite honestly, I'd keep the horses and lose him.

[d0nnivain]

I never would have pooled my money with a BF. I lived with a guy for almost 10 years but everything financial remained separate. We both paid half the rent & utilities. I paid a lot of the grocery bill but he did most of the cooking. When we 1st started living together he paid a larger share of the rent because he was earning almost triple what I was.

 

 

With DH we have a joint account for household things & separate accounts for other stuff. We only have 1 joint credit card.

[jaymoq]

Thanks for the input everyone! I really don't have a problem, per se, with separate finances but I do also acknowledge he is financially benefitting from this situation. His income is over triple what mine is. He is also 9 years older than me. I don't expect him to pay for my debts or my horses, but they are also innately a part of me. I feel like my paying half of the bills for this huge house is pretty unfair, too, since I never would have selected a 5 bedroom home in the middle of the city. I was perfectly fine living in the country in a little ranch house. I paid less AND my horses were right outside, versus me driving an hour a day to see them.

 

On one hand, the horses are MY responsibility but they are costing me a significant amount of money per month because I decided to move in with him and board them.

 

So, on one hand-- not his fault that I have these debts and obligations. On the other hand, they are a reality of MY life. And, he doesn't seem to want THAT part of my reality. He will continue to get ahead financially while I will continue to struggle for many years. I am helping him pay HIS mortgage off, after all.

 

I would rather remain LEGALLY separate until I can feel like we are on a level playing field. And, he is insistent on marriage.

[writergal]

Thanks for the input everyone! I really don't have a problem, per se, with separate finances but I do also acknowledge he is financially benefitting from this situation. His income is over triple what mine is. He is also 9 years older than me. I don't expect him to pay for my debts or my horses, but they are also innately a part of me. I feel like my paying half of the bills for this huge house is pretty unfair, too, since I never would have selected a 5 bedroom home in the middle of the city. I was perfectly fine living in the country in a little ranch house. I paid less AND my horses were right outside, versus me driving an hour a day to see them.

 

On one hand, the horses are MY responsibility but they are costing me a significant amount of money per month because I decided to move in with him and board them.

 

So, on one hand-- not his fault that I have these debts and obligations. On the other hand, they are a reality of MY life. And, he doesn't seem to want THAT part of my reality. He will continue to get ahead financially while I will continue to struggle for many years. I am helping him pay HIS mortgage off, after all.

 

I would rather remain LEGALLY separate until I can feel like we are on a level playing field. And, he is insistent on marriage.

 

 

It's ridiculous that his income is 3x higher than yours and he expects you to pay 50% of all the bills. Says a lot about his character -- that he has none.

 

I'd say your boyfriend is manipulating you financially for his own benefit. He keeps you in the red, while his accounts remain in the black. Just because you have debt and make 3x less than your boyfriend doesn't mean he should expect you to pay 50% of the bills.

 

I have student loan debt, yet I do 'income based repayment' because the gov't understands that I cant pay the required $2400 a month. If your boyfriend had any respect for you at all, he would do something similar with you since you have debt and earn less income. He could calculate your portion of what you owe for household bills based on your income. That is far more reasonable than what he's doing now with the whole 50% expectation.

 

Propose that you pay bills based on your income in comparison to his. If he balks, then tell him too bad -- you can only contribute what you can afford to household expenses which includes rent.

[writergal]

P.S. Don't marry this guy either -- he may expect you to give up your horses. I would rather be riding than married to a wealthy jerk who treats me like Cinderella financially-speaking. If you do marry him, just make sure you stand firm on your financial situation. If he wont' compromise with you about finances, he may not compromise on other things that are important to you like your horses and your country house ranch. Don't rush into marriage with someone you don't trust 100%. It's just not worth it.

[d0nnivain]

I would rather remain LEGALLY separate until I can feel like we are on a level playing field. And, he is insistent on marriage.

 

 

If you got married would he start paying more of the debts or would he still expect you to pay 1/2 & pay for your horses?

 

 

Some greater discussions are probably in order here.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Both. Shared account to pay shared expenses. Separate accounts for savings & personal funds.

 

 

100% sharing of finances is reckless in my opinion.

[salparadise]

I think the two of you need to have a frank discussion about money and how it will be, both during the engagement and after the wedding. There are laws governing how it will be in the absence of any agreement, but the two of you can have it any way you want it by negotiating an agreement, providing it's fair (one sided contracts can be overruled) and properly executed.

 

If you can't afford his lifestyle and his expectation is that you should pay half, then just say no and don't move in. Stay in the country with your horses and live within your means. If he asks what you can afford, then the answer is what you're currently paying to rent your place in the country.

 

Your debt is your debt unless he agrees to pay it off for you, in which case make sure it's a gift and not an obligation to him.

 

As for the horses, there is no right or wrong. It's whatever the two of you agree on. I can see both sides- I'm sure you don't want to give up the horses, but if he isn't into horses I can certainly see how he would expect you to be responsible for the expenses. They're your obligation not unlike your debt. The fact that they are living organisms doesn't change the nature of the obligation.

 

This bull$hit about it automatically being a package deal is, well, female bull$hit. It becomes a package deal if he agrees to it, but otherwise they're your pleasure and your burden.

 

Once you're married (assuming no prenup), what he owns at the time of the marriage remains his, and what you own remains yours (the debt). Money earned by either of you, or debt incurred by either of you during the marriage are marital assets/debts and owned jointly and equally regardless of who earns more or less. If you divorce in the future and you've used marital assets to pay off your prior debt, that amount will probably be subtracted from the settlement.

 

Interest (and capital gains) on investments and debts existing prior to the marriage remain separate and do not become marital assets or debt, assuming they aren't commingled. Inheritance remains separate as well, even if it's received during the marriage.

 

You will benefit from a significant lifestyle upgrade once you're married, but the notion that this should automatically begin now is just not how it works, unless he agrees to it. He has the right to collect rent in whatever amount you agree to pay during the engagement. It's up to you to negotiate what you can afford.

 

There is an inherent power imbalance due to the unequal income, and this may continue after you're married. My suggestion would be to decide how this will work before marrying. Your best option is to pool all the money, pay all of the expenses, save and invest appropriately as a couple, and then divide some discretionary funds (mad money) equally so that both of you have some to spend the way you choose.

 

Whether the horse expenses come out of your discretionary money or are paid for as part of the overall living expenses is negotiable.

 

If I were a man earning 3X what the woman earns, I'm not sure I'd be agreeable to splitting the discretionary funds down the middle, or to have only fifty-percent say in financial planning and decision making.

 

As I said, you're set to be the real beneficiary here, so I'd be careful about overplaying my hand. If the two of you can't see eye-to-eye in money discussions before the marriage then it might be wise to reconsider tying the knot.

 

The two things I see that seem inequitable is a) you paying rent equal to half of his mortgage if it's going to leave you strapped, and b) him saying he'll spot you for travel expenses when he knows you can't afford it, as if you're expected to pay him back. A proportionate split or the amount you're currently paying is probably all you can reasonable be expected to do on the rent, and if he wants to pay your way for travel that you otherwise couldn't afford then it should clearly be a gifted not spotted.

 

You two really need to get on the same page on this stuff or it will turn into a disaster and could potentially ruing the relationship. Better to settle it now than have it become an issue during the marriage.

[hotpotato]

If we are not married, then no. If we were married, i supposed we could have our own accounts plus a joint account.

It does seem VERY unfair that he expects you to pay half. :/ He makes more, AND he chose to live in the city. He knew you had the horses going into this situation. If i had a spouse, lived with him, i would take everything into account and not be a 50/50 bean counter.

[toolforgrowth]

You choose to have horses, therefore you choose to accept the financial responsibility for them. You got a divorce and accumulated debt from it. These are the results of your choices, not his. He is under no obligation to help you with YOUR debts.

 

I make good money and have a great career. My GF finished school and is still looking for employment. She's struggling, and I'm not. I take her out and pay for her, but I accept no responsibility for her financial well being. She is a grown woman with two hands, two feet, and a brain.

 

If you want a better financial life, what are YOU doing to make it better?

 

I've been divorced also. It is for that reason why I will always keep my finances separate and will never marry again. My money is my money. I earned it. Nobody else has any right to it...not even my GF.

 

This man doesn't owe you anything. If you want something, YOU work for it.

[Got it]

You choose to have horses, therefore you choose to accept the financial responsibility for them. You got a divorce and accumulated debt from it. These are the results of your choices, not his. He is under no obligation to help you with YOUR debts.

 

I make good money and have a great career. My GF finished school and is still looking for employment. She's struggling, and I'm not. I take her out and pay for her, but I accept no responsibility for her financial well being. She is a grown woman with two hands, two feet, and a brain.

 

If you want a better financial life, what are YOU doing to make it better?

 

I've been divorced also. It is for that reason why I will always keep my finances separate and will never marry again. My money is my money. I earned it. Nobody else has any right to it...not even my GF.

 

This man doesn't owe you anything. If you want something, YOU work for it.

 

Tool - you aren't reading it clearly. She/he can afford their expenses except if they move from where they are currently living to the city. That move, which is were the fiance lives, is causing the biggest strain. As well as picking up 50% of the costs of the fiance's lifestyle and expenses (house, etc). That is causing the issue since the OP makes significantly less. If the fiance moved to where the OP lives, then the OP could handle the expenses.

[jaymoq]

Thanks for the replies. I never indicated I expected my fiance to pay for my debts, to clarify. I work a full time job and I am in grad school, set to graduate in one year, and have a job offer pending that degree. Upon completion, I will be grossing more than my partner. So, it is not that I am sitting idle expecting someone to pay my bills. I have been paying my bills and I continue to pay my bills. The real issue is the fact because he owned and I rented, he asked me to move in with him. And I have, for the last 6 months. But, I moved in to HIS financial obligation to his home in the city that not only is substantially more than my rent was but also required me to board my horses which also costs a great deal.

 

I think I already know the answer to this question. I have never expected anyone to bail me out. I have always paid my debts and I have always prioritized my money. My horses make me happy so I do spend money on them but I don't spend beyond my means. I am not necessarily spending beyond my means now, but my ability to save has been greatly diminished by moving to this large house and being expected to pay halfers.

 

It boils down to the fact that he bought a very lavish house and asked me to move in. I did not ask for a huge home. I did not ask to live in the city. So, is his expecting me to help pay his substantial mortgage any less abhorrent than my expecting him to acknowledge by living at this home, I am paying double to keep my horses? I dont know. It really is a tough situation.

 

This is why I always felt that waiting to marry until AFTER I had no debts and therefore, a greater cash flow and less discrepancy in our financial situations would be better.

 

I guess there are just two ways to think about this. I have been in long term relationships and lived with partners that had debts and I took that in to account when we split the bills. I guess it is "female BS" in one way to want to take the weight off of someone? But, in my experiences, males are just as prone to mooching. I had a friend in a tough spot that rented a room from me and he did not pay one dime. So, if we are going to generalize women based on some crappy life experiences, I suppose I should do the same? Note my sarcasm here.

 

It boils down to how you view finances AFTER marriage. Right now we really have no obligation to one another. But, once we're married my debt WILL be his problem if we do buy a home together in the future or make any major purchases as a couple or start a family.

 

I mean, add kids to the mix and things get REALLY sticky. Because he wants to stay separate FOREVER. Who pays for the kids? Questions questions questions.

[WasOtherWoman]

it is really no big deal if, after marriage, he wants to keep financial things separate. Just determine an amount that each of you are going to put in a joint "house fund" (to cover all the bills, and child expenses when they come) and deposit the rest into your own personal accounts.

 

I think it is more and more common, as people get married now and are already established in their careers, own homes, etc, all prior to marriage. That said, if he wants to do this, I doubt you will change his mind. And, really, it shouldn't matter.

 

Now, about your current situation. If it were me (and you have already moved in, so kinda late, but i would give it a try) I would say to him "I will move in, BUT, because you know I am trying to get my debt's paid down, I have my horses, etc., I will only pay you what I am paying for my current rent." If he wants you to live with him, then he will accept that.

 

This is really only for the next year that you will have money troubles. Maybe since you are already moved in, you could say that this is causing you distress and that you would like to pay only what you were paying for your current rent for the next year or so.

 

I also firmly believe that how he reacts to this will be very telling. While I am all about everyone pulling their own weight (My husband is the CEO of a major corporation and I still work full-time, despite the fact that he could care less if I do or not) you also don't want someone so ridiculously "equal" that he is not willing to use some of his money to help make your life more comfortable.

 

Just some thoughts...

[writergal]

I agree. For the next year until your new job with a higher income starts, do an 'income based' payment plan for your share of rent and the bills associated with his house. For him to expect you to pay above your means is selfish and extremely short-sighted. Did you sell your country house or were you renting it?

 

Clearly he can afford to pay his entire rent if he spends his money on take-out food everyday. He's not hurting financially in any way, shape, or form.

[clia]

Do you agree or disagree with keeping separate finances after marriage or with long-term partners?

 

We've kept our separate accounts, but have also opened a joint account. We track all "family" expenses (i.e., mortgage, utilities, groceries, entertainment, dry cleaning, gasoline, insurance, etc.) and divide those 50/50. We each pay our own personal expenses -- i.e. haircuts, personal products, clothing, non-joint activities. We each contribute a fixed amount on a monthly basis to the joint account for savings/future vacations.

 

Your situation sounds like you are financially worse off by living with him than you would be if you had remained where you are. Is that a fair assessment? Did you two discuss finances before you moved in? Is he aware of how strained you are by contributing to his city mortgage and having to board your horses?

 

I don't know, but I feel like he should be contributing to you boarding your horses, at minimum, since moving in with him has caused those extra expenses for you. What you've described doesn't seem like a partnership to me, or a man who really cares about you. I'm not saying you need him to support you, because clearly you don't. But you've made a huge sacrifice by moving in with him (boarding your horses, moving to his big house in the city), and it seems like he should at least be acknowledging your situation and providing assistance, especially since he now has more disposable income. When he says he'll "spot you" on the vacations, does he expect you to pay him back or is that just his phrasing?

 

If I were you, I would lay it all out to him in a spreadsheet and show him what a struggle this is for you right now. And remind him that if you had stayed in your old place, you would not be in this situation.

 

don't expect him to help me pay my debts off, but on the other hand, if he marries ME, isn't he marrying MY responsibilites as well?

 

Well, the problem is that he is expecting you to jump into his life, but that's not your life and you had prior obligations such as your horses and debt. You can't just jump into his situation. He technically doesn't need to take on your debt or help you care for your horses, but you're right -- if he cares about you and wants to build a life and marriage with you, those things should at least be on his radar and the two of you should work together to figure out how to deal with them in light of the other obligations.

 

Its like he wants to marry the GOOD of me, but is ignoring the fact I have debt, I have obligations, and I am struggling just to feed myself.

 

If you are seriously struggling to feed yourself, you need to move out and move back to the country with your horses. You can't afford to live with him. I'd tell him that if I were you.

 

The logical thing would be to sell my horses, I agree. But, quite honestly, I can afford them if I didn't live in the city. Do I give up MY hobbies and MY 'family' (they've been with me for years) just so I can commit to this relationship?

 

No, you don't. I sure as heck wouldn't. The two of you have to figure out together how you can keep your horses.

[rester]

You shouldn't be worse off financially by moving in together. That makes no sense. I think the fair situation would be for you to pay the household expenses only up to what your household expenses were before you moved in. For example, if your rent, bills, and horse care totaled ~$3,000/month, that's the amount you contribute to the new shared living situation.

 

Either that, or you split things as a percentage of your income. When your income increases, so does your financial responsibility.

 

I also wouldn't agree to contribute to someone's mortgage without my name being on it.

[truncated]

In my opinion, this is something each couple has to work out for themselves, as each situation will be different. Each couple should also be flexible, as their situation can change over time.

 

In my own situation, I am better educated than my husband, but I stay at home with our kids. They are older, but due to them having health issues that require many doctor's appointments, hospital stays, etc. each month, There's not a lot of employers out there that will be willing to give their employee, at zero notice, a few days to a few weeks off at a time with zero notice.

 

I stay at home with my kids, and have been lucky enough to find a job I can work at online. I an accept the contracts I have the time to do, and can work whenever I have time, be it at home, waiting in the doctor's office or at the hospital. One downside is that since i get paid in a foreign currency, I never really know exactly how much I will be getting paid, since it depends on how our dollar is doing against it at the time.

 

My husband makes a lot more than I do, but he is away for months at a time and there are periods of time when I can't reach him at all, barring some sort of emergency.

 

We pool all our money together into one joint checking account and put some aside into TFSA'a, RDSP's and other savings/ investment accounts, and I handle the finances. We both have online access to all our accounts, so he can see himself where all the money goes if he wants or needs to. We have one credit card between us ( I don't like accumulating debt), which is set aside for emergencies.

 

For us, co-mingling our money is what makes sense. For another couple, it may not, and they have to find out what works best for them.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I pay him rent monthly since the mortgage is in his name.

 

NEVER EVER contribute to someone else's mortgage. I have already told this so often to people. If you live in the property of your partner and that property is not on your name, you should NEVER pay "rent". You contribute to the real costs: groceries, water, gas, electricity. That's all.

 

I have my own place, if my partner would come and live here I would not want him to pay any "rent". It's my apartment and I pay for it. I want it to be 100% mine. Unless you co-own you should not contribute to the mortgage because if you split up you will have paid part of the property while not having any right to it.

 

I always find it indecent that people in a relationship have the guts to ask their partner for a kind of "rent" while they were perfectly capable of paying for the property themselves before.

If he wants you to pay "rent" you should find an arrangement by which you become some kind of co-owner of his property.

[carhill]

OP, since you're engaged to be married, and you both bring unique financial situations to that milieu, I'd suggest, in light of the assets and income involved, getting the assistance of a financial planner to explore differing options for partnering your finances, since you will become legal partners when married.

 

If you find this financial stuff to be a sticking point and communication surrounding it to be unproductive, perhaps some PMC can help solidify the teamwork aspects so you can proceed through this.

 

As to specifics, there are as many unique solutions as there are married couples. I know of no single answer that works universally.

 

My exW and I both owned businesses and were older so we, largely, kept our finances separate but communicated on matters of consequence financially where our partnership was involved or when we wanted the advice or input of the other on matters of business. Your solution will be unique to you.

[BluEyeL]

It is not fair for you to pay rent and you should go ahead and tell him you won't pay any rent anymore and you'll be moving out if he disagrees. Be firm.

[salparadise]

I guess it is "female BS" in one way to want to take the weight off of someone? But, in my experiences, males are just as prone...

It is not fair for you to pay rent and you should go ahead and tell him you won't pay any rent anymore and you'll be moving out if he disagrees. Be firm.

 

This is what I meant by female bull$hit. The "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is ours" mentality. Reverse the genders and they'd be saying he's a cheap ass with many, many expletives. And of course to those types there's nothing worse than a man who resists paying for vagina privileges. OP, you need to decide if you're one of those women or if you're evolved and living in the 21st century.

 

So based on attritional info in your subsequent posts it seem that this is a temporary problem that will neutralize or may even reverse once you're married and working your new job. In the meantime, you upgraded to a lavish house in city that's putting add'l stress on your finances because you're paying halfsies. And it's not that you can't pay that amount, it's that you're having to choose between three options... a) saving money in the short term, b) paying for boarding the horses, or c) paying half on the mortgage. He has the ability to solve this problem for you, but not the obligation, and resentment is already starting to manifest even before the wedding.

 

To me it seems rather simple... have the discussion and offer to either pay the mortgage proportionately based on income, or simply pay what you paid to rent your own place previously (less boarding costs). He might be easily agreeable.

 

Have you had any discussion about this at all? It sounds like you are avoiding it and expecting him to read your mind.

 

Here's what I think is going wrong... you are seeing him as both the problem and the solution, no other compromises are acceptable to you, and you're not talking about it like two grownups about to be married should be able to. The squeeze you find yourself in now is the result of communication failure or avoidance, and if that does not get corrected it's going to be a problem during the marriage as well.

 

I seriously doubt that he wants you to be unhappy or squeeze you for bucks you can't afford. If you present it as a rational problem/solution analysis, I'm betting he'd say it's not a problem; let's do this...

Edited August 4, 2015 by salparadise

[loveflower]

Good riddance！

 

This makes love and marriage a joke.

 

At least if you are a prostitute you earn money by sleeping with a man.

 

This 'equality' crap is retarded, period! until the day that man has period and bear children, we are never truly 'equal'.

 

Go to Asia and marry a Asian man already. This is what Asian women live by: "what is mine is mine, what is yours is mine also".

 

I will be very surprise if this man doesn't ask OP to sign a prenup before marriage.

Edited August 4, 2015 by loveflower

[BluEyeL]

This is what I meant by female bull$hit. The "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is ours" mentality. Reverse the genders and they'd be saying he's a cheap ass with many, many expletives. And of course to those types there's nothing worse than a man who resists paying for vagina privileges. OP, you need to decide if you're one of those women or if you're evolved and living in the 21st century.

 

So based on attritional info in your subsequent posts it seem that this is a temporary problem that will neutralize or may even reverse once you're married and working your new job. In the meantime, you upgraded to a lavish house in city that's putting add'l stress on your finances because you're paying halfsies. And it's not that you can't pay that amount, it's that you're having to choose between three options... a) saving money in the short term, b) paying for boarding the horses, or c) paying half on the mortgage. He has the ability to solve this problem for you, but not the obligation, and resentment is already starting to manifest even before the wedding.

 

To me it seems rather simple... have the discussion and offer to either pay the mortgage proportionately based on income, or simply pay what you paid to rent your own place previously (less boarding costs). He might be easily agreeable.

 

Have you had any discussion about this at all? It sounds like you are avoiding it and expecting him to read your mind.

 

Here's what I think is going wrong... you are seeing him as both the problem and the solution, no other compromises are acceptable to you, and you're not talking about it like two grownups about to be married should be able to. The squeeze you find yourself in now is the result of communication failure or avoidance, and if that does not get corrected it's going to be a problem during the marriage as well.

 

I seriously doubt that he wants you to be unhappy or squeeze you for bucks you can't afford. If you present it as a rational problem/solution analysis, I'm betting he'd say it's not a problem; let's do this...

 

I'm sorry, but she can't afford the upgrade and it's not fair to emotionally blackmail someone into upgrading to anything that they can't afford. If you want them to upgrade because you want to live together, you should be able to help out and not expect rent. he is not paying for her, he is paying his mortgage, he's on the title. She had her own house.