zyphfly Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 (edited) I don't know if that title accurately gets across my question, so let me elaborate a little… I once dated a girl who told me early on that she wouldn't be a good girlfriend, she was a fun friend to be around but there was always kind of a wall there, she had slept around a good amount, had serious parental issues, etc. Then a strange thing happened though, we started dating and she became very emotional, she would cry over the littlest things, she became very sweet, very emotionally available, etc. Until the relationship ended in a really bad way and she basically reverted (this was after about a year and a half of an otherwise great relationship). In hindsight though, this relationship did a really bad thing…it convinced me that it's possible to change someone's level of emotional depth. Enter: new girl. There is someone that I'm interested in now, we've gotten fairly close, and while sometimes I feel no confidence whatsoever regarding my chances (or lack thereof) with her. Other times I feel like maybe it could happen, but then I second guess everything, because I am a very emotionally available partner, I like talking, I like touching, I'm not standoffish. She comes across to me like an ice queen, like she's capable of being a friend, but not really a girlfriend. For some reason though, I keep wanting to hold out hope that I can change this, and that maybe if we start dating, somehow this will make her let her guard down a little. Am I crazy for thinking this? Am I just trying to convince myself that she is who I want her to be? This isn't a question so much of if you can change someone (because I think deep down we all know the answer to that is a resounding NO), but more a question of, do some people purposely put up a wall like this that can be dropped upon dating them, or is it more a case of "what you see is what you get"? Edited August 3, 2015 by zyphfly Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Sounds like drama to me... Stick with the sane girls. Yes emotionally unavailable people can become emotionally available however it takes work on their part not yours. You should not be getting involved in all this crap. It will only mess with your head and make you bitter and resentful in the long term. You seem to be "emotionally unavailable" yourself if you keep going for girls that are just incapable of being there for you. Cut the drama and the wishing for something you can't have out. You will be happier in the long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 It may very well be that both women put up these walls to protect themselves The 1st one was deluding herself. She wanted to be emotionally unavailable & announced that she was when in reality she was wearing her heart on her sleeve & simply begging someone to love her. The new one has much bigger & real walls. It may very well be that she has a soft, loving center but you will need time & patience to get there. She will not be persuaded to let her guard down by pretty words. You will need to earn her trust but I suspect if you do, she will be loyal. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I don't believe you can "make" someone be or do anything. So it is really up to them and you need to realize that. She may choose to be more open and address her issues or not. But you do not have the power to make that happen (I don't believe). I think it puts someone on a very codependent pathway to think they have the power to "fix" or "save" someone. Don't go down that road. Link to post Share on other sites
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