My gf of 8 years has cheated on me

[cameroona]

Hi everyone,

My head is a right mess but I will do the best to paint a picture of my relationship and hope that you guys can take some time out to help a rather broken chap .

 

I have been with my girlfriend since 2007, the first 4/5 years of the relationship were great and we were madly in love. After that period I began to find her less attractive sexually, In fact there were long periods where I didnt even come near her and she was clearly madly in love wih me. I took her for granted and I am ashamed to admit that I did cheat on her with several girls, but I always stopped myself before it came to actually having sex. She does not know that any of this happened.

In fact if I;m being honest I was a total dick for a lot of this time and had moments with I was nasty to her.

 

This past year or so she has been acting different distance and not as loving , a few weeks ago she began crying in bed and basically said they was no spark in the relationship . We agreed to work on things and after a rough few days we were the best we had been in a long long time, the sex was brilliant and we felt good about each other.

 

Then came the bombshell I looked through her phone and found messages from her friend. Basically there was one night a month ago that my gf said she stayed at her friends house, I had a strange suspicion she didnt and I was right. She stayed other at a guys house she met out, she knew her from before but not in a romantic sense.

 

I confronted her about the truth initially she lied again until I said I knew and someone had told me, I bluffed. She told me the reason that she did this is that we haven't been great, she was drunk and they just started talking. She was very upset and admitted to sleeping with him after I confronted her.

 

I asked her to go stay at her mothers while I try and figure this out in my head, emotionally I am a train wreck.

 

One moment I am like **** her and its over, the next I blame myself for the neglect I have shown to her over the years and think its no wonder she actually went with another guy. Sometimes I think we could forgive and forget and move on.

 

What would you guys do? How long should I leave this before I talk to her for me to figure out?

 

Should I take her back ?

 

My mind is torn as as recently we have been excellent , as I think the incident has obviously brought us together, albeit I didnt know that she had cheated.

 

My friends are useless with relationship advice so im afraid a group of strangers on the internet is my only companion..

[Clarence_Boddicker]

It's over & has been for awhile. You clearly don't really love her. End it, so both of you can find someone else.

[Satu]

You have confronted her about her infidelity, whilst keeping your own secret?

 

Where do you expect that to take you?

 

You should man up and tell her the truth.

[MidwestUSA]

You have confronted her about her infidelity, whilst keeping your own secret?

 

Where do you expect that to take you?

 

You should man up and tell her the truth.

 

I suspect OP is differentiating with 'but I stopped short of having sex'. Until he drops that line of thinking, this one is done.

[cameroona]

I know its a case of double standards.

 

For what its worth over the case of the duration we have been together I have matured a lot , I was a stupid boy when I did those things and in my early twenties, I turned 30 this year and finally know what I want in life.

 

Do you think I should tell her when we meet up to discuss the relationship? Could it possibly allow us to continue on an even field or destroy the relationship completely?

[MidwestUSA]

I know its a case of double standards.

 

For what its worth over the case of the duration we have been together I have matured a lot , I was a stupid boy when I did those things and in my early twenties, I turned 30 this year and finally know what I want in life.

 

Do you think I should tell her when we meet up to discuss the relationship? Could it possibly allow us to continue on an even field or destroy the relationship completely?

 

The first 4/5 years were great. Then you cheated. If she's a GF of 8 years, then your cheating is pretty recent.

 

I still get the feeling you're trying to write it off as 'stupid youth'. You weren't in your early twenties three years ago.

 

But yes, you need to disclose it and let the chips fall where they may.

[Gloria25]

I suspect OP is differentiating with 'but I stopped short of having sex'. Until he drops that line of thinking, this one is done.

 

Yep, cuz doesn't matter if you didn't go all the way with these other women - you and your gf haven't been "connecting" for the longest.

 

Do you mind me asking your ages? I mean 8 years w/o a ring and a date? I could see if you guys were like dating since high school, but still even if dating since high school 8 years is a long time to be with someone w/o plans to marry.

[Gloria25]

I know its a case of double standards.

 

For what its worth over the case of the duration we have been together I have matured a lot , I was a stupid boy when I did those things and in my early twenties, I turned 30 this year and finally know what I want in life.

 

Do you think I should tell her when we meet up to discuss the relationship? Could it possibly allow us to continue on an even field or destroy the relationship completely?

 

I think you should discuss it and allow her an opportunity to "fix" what's going wrong.

 

I mean, why are you not finding her attractive anymore? Is it something she can fix (i.e. working on her appearance, changing something about her that annoys you)?

 

Yeah, I get it that sometimes people evolve in relationships (i.e. decide they want to go back to school, change careers, travel), but IMO, you shouldn't just blind-side your partner. You should give them an opportunity to grow with you.

[cameroona]

I am 30 and she is 26. We have lived together for the past 5 or so years, so it isnt a teen romance, we have talked about marrage and getting a place together. We both work full time

Its strange even recently she mentioned about us getting a house in the country and another dog( we already have one)

 

Thing is I have started to find her attractive recently so that isnt a problem anymore. I went through a period where I just took her for granted , I basically thought I could do better.

 

The past month or so I have realised that I perhaps have major character defects in my personality . I'm not a bad looking guy, although I am quite short and maybe have some sort of complex going on as I can be a tough guy to going out with. I will be the first to admit that I basically treated her like a home wife, with her cooking all the meals , doing the shopping and accmodating me. This leads me to think that there is resentment brewing here from years of this

 

Regarding the marriage plans, I know, it has been something that I have kept meaning to do. Like I said previously I am not the ideal boyfriend,last year she did drop a few hints and I didn't have the money at the time so I didn't ever propose.

 

Should you always move on when someone has hurt you like this? Or are there times in life where someone is worth giving a second chance to ?

 

If this had happened maybe 5 months ago out of the blue I would have ended it but recently since she broke down and down us there was no spark , I have put a concious effort into bettering myself and the relationship and I feel that there was a real level of happiness between. So much so that I wished I had never looked into her phone and never been aware of this entire incident. .

 

What I want to know is really why she cheated? She isnt it was a one night thing and she hasnt been in contact with him since, I do believe her on this judging by what I read on her phone.

 

Could I live with it or would I use it to torture her? Bit of an inner dialogues going on here, apologies but it helps me write down my thoughts.

 

Thank you for the replies so far, I;m very alone at the moment , deciding what to do on this is clouding my concentration

[Gloria25]

I am 30 and she is 26. We have lived together for the past 5 or so years, so it isnt a teen romance, we have talked about marrage and getting a place together. We both work full time

Its strange even recently she mentioned about us getting a house in the country and another dog( we already have one)

 

Thing is I have started to find her attractive recently so that isnt a problem anymore. I went through a period where I just took her for granted , I basically thought I could do better.

 

The past month or so I have realised that I perhaps have major character defects in my personality . I'm not a bad looking guy, although I am quite short and maybe have some sort of complex going on as I can be a tough guy to going out with. I will be the first to admit that I basically treated her like a home wife, with her cooking all the meals , doing the shopping and accmodating me. This leads me to think that there is resentment brewing here from years of this

 

Regarding the marriage plans, I know, it has been something that I have kept meaning to do. Like I said previously I am not the ideal boyfriend,last year she did drop a few hints and I didn't have the money at the time so I didn't ever propose.

 

Should you always move on when someone has hurt you like this? Or are there times in life where someone is worth giving a second chance to ?

 

If this had happened maybe 5 months ago out of the blue I would have ended it but recently since she broke down and down us there was no spark , I have put a concious effort into bettering myself and the relationship and I feel that there was a real level of happiness between. So much so that I wished I had never looked into her phone and never been aware of this entire incident. .

 

What I want to know is really why she cheated? She isnt it was a one night thing and she hasnt been in contact with him since, I do believe her on this judging by what I read on her phone.

 

Could I live with it or would I use it to torture her? Bit of an inner dialogues going on here, apologies but it helps me write down my thoughts.

 

Thank you for the replies so far, I;m very alone at the moment , deciding what to do on this is clouding my concentration

 

I can't speak for her, I mean, you DO need to ask her what this is all about - but IMO and from what you posted, even though you recently found her attractive again, you've been taking her for granted for the longest.

 

I mean, no money to get married? Uh, justice of the peace downtown is like 25 dollars or something?

 

Maybe her, like some people, instead of cutting bait and moving on - she developed this thing with this dude. I mean, something about her shows she doesn't have enough courage to move on cuz she's been with you all these years w/o this RL going anywhere when by the 2nd year, she should have given you an ultimatum and left if it wasn't happening.

 

So, since she's too scared to be on her own, she's doing this passive/aggressive cheating thing.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't give her another chance, but I think this RL was broken long time ago and was never going anywhere. I mean, if you still wanna try - maybe go to RL counselor - like the counselors for married couples and/or a pre-marital counselor to sit down with you two and see if this can be fixed. But, I don't see this RL going anywhere.

 

I mean, what are you offering if she gives up this thing with the other guy? You gonna marry her? Treat her better?

 

OH, and lastly, both you and her are technically single...Shacking up with someone (aka "living together") is not a committed RL and all the you checking out other chicks and her checking out other guys proves this fact. I mean, you can share the same bills, roof, etc all you want - but you two are not "married" and are not "committed" to anything/each other.

[MidwestUSA]

"Should you always move on when someone has hurt you like this? Or are there times in life where someone is worth giving a second chance to ?"

 

 

 

Are you asking on your behalf or hers? You're still not owning your part in this!

 

Why did she cheat? Why did YOU cheat?

[regine_phalange]

Cheating is wrong. As you know. Sometimes in the cheater's mind is a way to cope with the problems in the relationship, just a way to have the courage to continue in the relationship.

 

I've felt like cheating too in the past, when I felt trapped, when I wasn't heard, when I was neglected sexually. I never acted on it though. After a while I broke up and it felt so much better.

 

Do you think your relationship is solid enough to try reconciling?

What about all this drifting apart these years? Do you feel close enough with her? How is your communication? It seems like it wasn't as good, and you had to be shaken by her infidelity to think about her and her needs. Since you cheated on her too, you're even. I think you can tell her, so you can both restart from the same page, at 0. But it's going to be hard.

[cameroona]

Why did I cheat?

 

She gave me everything , perfect girlfriend did everything for me , I actually couldn't ask for more. I think in my heart I believed that no matter what happened she would be there for me, so I decided back then to have my cake and eat it. Its wrong and I know it.

 

I sometimes ponder on why I did cheat and not break off, am I afraid to truly be alone myself?

Im not particularly good with girls in general, most of the time it was through them initiating contact with me . I'm a confident person just not with women.

[Satu]

This is first and foremost about you.

 

It would be good if you got some individual counselling because of your uncertainty about which direction you want your life to go in.

 

Counselling would help you to clarify your thinking.

[No Limit]

I'm sorry but your relationship is dead and has been for a while, but for whatever reason neither of you want to let go. She's cheated because she's looking for a way out, and eventually she will meet a guy who is willing to have a little more going with her than just a ONS. She doesn't trust you anyway because you cheated in the past (and she probably believes you're cheating in the present too).

[cameroona]

What does ONS mean?

[understand50]

What does ONS mean?

 

One night stand

[understand50]

cameroona,

 

You need to end it, or set a date for marriage. This relationship, has been a non committed trail run. Why did she cheat, she does not feel that she is committed to you. You are just two roommates with a FWB thing going.

 

End it now and let her get on with her life, or show that you can finally commit. Both of you should give each other the full truth of any and all issues in your relationship. Tell her about your cheating, see if she has anything to add with her ONS.

 

You are a young guy, but keep a girl on a string with no hope for a future with you is wrong. That's why she had a ONS, she is looking to leave you. If you want her, commit to her.

 

As for handling her ONS, as you have cheated before as well. Confess, and talk out yours and hers feeling. If you, or she, can not deal or come to terms with the cheating in the relationship, go your separate ways.

 

I wish you both luck.

[WomenWubber]

What I want to know is really why she cheated?

 

Because she wanted to and she could.

[understand50]

Because she wanted to and she could.

 

In the end, that is the reason for all cheating.

[Gloria25]

Because she wanted to and she could.

 

Nah, women, IMO and unless they are ho's don't cheat "just because"...And, that's why a man is devastated when a woman cheats, cuz when a woman cheats and she's not a horndog/ho, she's teeeed off and no longer "connected" to him.

 

Women cheat when they are not getting their emotional needs met in a RL and that's deeper than sex. Even in the circumstances where a woman cheats and it's mostly sex, she's not doing it for the sex - she's doing it cuz they other guy makes her feel special and she gives sex in exchange to be close to the other guy.

 

Men cheat mostly when they aren't getting sex, cuz sex is how a man perceives a woman loves him and/or his self worth. For women it's kind of the opposite, they enjoy sex, but aren't willing to have sex with another guy "just because". If they have sex it's cuz sex is a means to an end. They do the sex to be closer to the guy, not necessarily for the act of sex itself.

[WomenWubber]

Nah, women, IMO and unless they are ho's don't cheat "just because"...And, that's why a man is devastated when a woman cheats, cuz when a woman cheats and she's not a horndog/ho, she's teeeed off and no longer "connected" to him.

 

Women cheat when they are not getting their emotional needs met in a RL and that's deeper than sex. Even in the circumstances where a woman cheats and it's mostly sex, she's not doing it for the sex - she's doing it cuz they other guy makes her feel special and she gives sex in exchange to be close to the other guy.

 

Men cheat mostly when they aren't getting sex, cuz sex is how a man perceives a woman loves him and/or his self worth. For women it's kind of the opposite, they enjoy sex, but aren't willing to have sex with another guy "just because". If they have sex it's cuz sex is a means to an end. They do the sex to be closer to the guy, not necessarily for the act of sex itself.

 

Maybe I oversimplified, but in general I just don't believe people cheat because they are cornered and desperate. It is calculated. Also reasons may vary with individuals, but in the end it all comes down to one's desires and with how much one can get away with.

[Gloria25]

Maybe I oversimplified, but in general I just don't believe people cheat because they are cornered and desperate. It is calculated. Also reasons may vary with individuals, but in the end it all comes down to one's desires and with how much one can get away with.

 

Yeah, but I don't think she was greedy and/or trying to pull a fast one on him. I think like him, she was too weak to move on, so she cheated and wanted to stay with him: 1) Either in hopes he'd come around and/or things with this guy would have worked out and he get serious about her; or, 2) Before she let go of one branch (the OP) before grabbing the other branch (the new guy).

 

But, regardless of her motivations in cheating (greed or not), still, for a woman it's a big move to cheat if she's not a ho/horndog...When a woman cheats, she's "done" in the RL/marriage and no longer connected to her SO.

[Satu]

What I want to know is really why she cheated?

 

The *why* question often goes unanswered, because there is rarely a simple, single, reason.

 

It's most often done for quite complex reasons that are difficult to articulate.

[ltjg45]

What I want to know is really why she cheated?

 

To be brutally honest, you don't deserve the answer.

 

And this is why:

 

Problem #1: 8 years of being together and not so much of an engagement? Big red flag. You should have be married to her 3-4 years ago, at the latest, if you really love her that much.

 

Problem #2: You have been withdrawing yourself during the relationship when she loved you the most. That is enough to break any person, let alone your girlfriend. If anyone should be an emotional train wreck, it should be her.

 

Problem #3: You cheated yourself. To make it worse, you cheated more than she did.

 

You don't love her. If you did, you would have loved her the last 8 years you was both together. You should have ended it 4-5 years ago and moved on to a woman that you really want.

 

She loved you but has broke out of it. That is clear because she cheated. At this point, she just wants out.

 

Be a man and just end it. Move on. Don't ask her about why she cheated unless you are going to be completely clean to her yourself about your actions and I doubt you will do that.