Mum caught me with my gf and kicked me out of home.

[Vicki and Astrid]

Hi, we realise this is a U.S based forum after reading some of the threads but we liked the look of the site and the advice given so we thought we'd post anyway. We are in Australia. When I say we, it's me and my girlfriend, we will both be reading any replies and both answering.

 

The simple question, if you don't want to read a more detailed explanation to come, is how do you deal with a homophobic parent? I don't like labels but if I had to classify myself I would call myself bi-sexual currently in a relationship with another girl.

 

We have been together 9 months and we have kept it pretty much a secret because we were unsure ourselves but have been "coming out" to our friends recently who all pretty much have a blasé attitude towards it.

 

I skipped school on Thursday to be with my girlfriend and we were home at my place. Mum came home, we didn't here her and she walked in on us. She screamed for us to get our clothes on and get out to the kitchen. I came out first apologising but mum just wanted to see "him" and when "he" came out and "he" was a "she" well mum lost it. I never thought for a minute mum was homophobic but she clearly is.

 

I was told to "get out" and so I have spent the last few nights at my girlfriends house. Her parents are really cool about it although she is a little bit older so maybe that has something to do with it? I have texted mum to tell her where I am, I have tried to ring as well but she is ignoring me. The only reply that I did get was to say she would be out of the house between certain hours and I should get whatever clothes I need then.

 

I love my mum, I want her in my life, how can I fix this? I am not going to throw away my girlfriend who I love just to get on my mums good side because even if I did that I am still bi-sexual (she has offered that btw). I know time will help but is there anything I can do in the meantime to help mum understand or to help speed up the process? I have been told I can stay here as long as I want but I feel like I'm intruding and in any case I want my room, my house and my mum.

 

I am really disappointed that my mum has this attitude but I fear confronting her with her bigotry will do nothing to help and only drive a wedge between us. On the other hand I believe I should be true to myself and be who I am and this is who I am so I shouldn't compromise.

 

I/We are open to any and all thoughts on this except please don't turn this into a God says it's a sin argument, we don't believe in that.

 

Thanks

[Vicki and Astrid]

Further to the above, my mum is a single parent, dad died when I was 8. I don't have any brothers or sisters to bounce any ideas off.

[Poppyolive]

Sorry to hear this is happening. I'm glad you have each other. You say school, so I wonder how old you are?

 

I think your mom needs a minute to adjust, was probably shocked and is now embarrassed? I wouldn't jump the homophobic gun just yet.

 

Have you had a good relationship with your mom?

 

Your mom shouldn't of kicked you out, and giving you times to come collect stuff when she's out is super shjitty of her.

 

I think give it some time, as I said she was probably shocked and possibly disappointed you skipped school and broke a house rule by bringing a lover home??? Her house her rules.

 

How long has it been since you were kicked out?

 

If she still doesn't cone round after a few more days, write her a letter.

 

 

This too shall pass.

Stay strong and eat tim tams.

[Vicki and Astrid]

Sorry to hear this is happening. I'm glad you have each other. You say school, so I wonder how old you are?

 

17 & 22

 

Have you had a good relationship with your mom?

 

I wouldn't say we were incredibly close but we have always been there for each other when we needed it. It has only been the two of us for a long time so we have probably bonded more than we would have if my dad was still around, I have certainly shared secrets with her that I know none of my friends would share with their mums which makes what happened here such a shock.

 

How long has it been since you were kicked out?

 

This is the third night, it's Saturday night here in Australia.

 

Stay strong and eat tim tams.

 

[SammySammy]

Finding another place to live may be necessary if this doesn't blow over. It might be a good idea to be working toward that end.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Are or your girlfriend the 17 year old? If you are, is it legal for a minor to get kicked out in Australia? If your girlfriend is 22, does she have her own place?

[Davey L]

From a parent's point of view - I would suggest it is premature to call homophobia on this. You mother has just had a double shock. Firstly it will have been a shock to catch you having sex. Even if theoretically she's aware you are or might be having sex it is another thing altogether to be confronted with the reality of it. Secondly, to find out you are, or might be, homosexual in such a manner will be upsetting and shocking.

 

Let her cool down a bit then apologise for giving her such a shock. Assure her that you love her and need her. Ask her for help and advice on it too, that will put her back into a parenting mindset again.

[amaysngrace]

If you want her to accept you as you are then you need to accept her as she is too. It's a two way street and she may not be able to change who she is any more than you are. But it may not even be about that.

 

Apologize to her for being disrespectful by having sex in her house. Introducing her to the person that you're in a relationship with should have happened way before you brought her home to bed her.

[jen1447]

Hey OP, been in your shoes. You can't really force your mother to come around on the issue by bashing her over the head with conversion therapy, so the only play you really have is time. I mean she threw you out anyway, what else are you gonna do but wait it out?

 

Your mom stated her case, yours is already known, the two points disagree. It'll be what it'll be.

[Gloria25]

I just don't see what sexual preference has to do with here...

 

You cut class to make out with your gf...not sure what you expect a single mom - who is working off her butt to provide for you - to react.

 

I wonder if there's more to this here, cuz for your mom to throw you out of the house over this one incident seems a bit extreme.

 

I mean, I've heard stories of frustrated parents and are like 'can't wait for them to be 18 so I can kick them out.

 

In Australia, can she kick you out at 17? Is 17 considered a legal adult?

[Vicki and Astrid]

Are or your girlfriend the 17 year old? If you are, is it legal for a minor to get kicked out in Australia? If your girlfriend is 22, does she have her own place?

 

I am 17, I have no idea whether it is legal to kick a 17 year old out but really what difference does that make? I'm not going to call the Police and force my way back into my home against mums wishes. How would that work?

 

My girlfriend still lives with her parents, well in a bungalow out the back, but still on their property.

[Vicki and Astrid]

Assure her that you love her and need her. Ask her for help and advice on it too, that will put her back into a parenting mindset again.

 

I have told her I love her in text messages (she wont answer my calls), I have asked to come home, asked to meet somewhere so we can talk, asked where the issue exactly lies with her but I have not got a single response besides the one that told me to come and get my stuff.

 

Hopefully time does indeed help this, I don't want to lose my mum but I'm not going to compromise who I am to achieve that goal.

[Vicki and Astrid]

Introducing her to the person that you're in a relationship with should have happened way before you brought her home to bed her.

 

Mum has met my girlfriend many times although she didn't know we were together because no-one knew. We only very recently started announcing that we were together to friends but you're right mum should have been first to know.

[Robert Z]

Hopefully time does indeed help this, I don't want to lose my mum but I'm not going to compromise who I am to achieve that goal.

 

 

A lot of people have a big blow up with their parents around your age. I wouldn't dare to guess at all of the baggage between you and your mother but things like this almost always pass. I would focus on today and try to relax about the future. Things have a way of working out. The day may come when you will look back and laugh about this. Really and truly!!! It happens.

[Vicki and Astrid]

Hey OP, been in your shoes.

 

Did your mum eventually come around? How is your relationship with her now?

[Vicki and Astrid]

I wonder if there's more to this here, cuz for your mom to throw you out of the house over this one incident seems a bit extreme.

 

It is extreme but there is no underlying issues. I'm not suggesting mum and I are best friends all the time, we have out arguments like in any relationship but nothing like this has ever been done or even suggested before.

 

In fact given recent worldwide events with same sex marriages becoming more common mum and I have discussed that issue and I thought that although she didn't like the use of the word marriage she was comfortable with same sex relationships.

[Vicki and Astrid]

I would focus on today and try to relax about the future. Things have a way of working out.

 

It's very hard to relax about the future when I don't have a home that I'm welcome in. I know I am welcome here with my girlfriend but that's not the same, I don't have my own bed, my own room, my own space.

 

I am not ready to move out and support myself in a home of my own. Even if I stay here I would feel guilty doing so without helping financially which means I would need a job but I'd like to stay in school and concentrate on getting the best grades I can.

[Robert Z]

It's very hard to relax about the future when I don't have a home that I'm welcome in. I know I am welcome here with my girlfriend but that's not the same, I don't have my own bed, my own room, my own space.

 

I am not ready to move out and support myself in a home of my own. Even if I stay here I would feel guilty doing so without helping financially which means I would need a job but I'd like to stay in school and concentrate on getting the best grades I can.

 

 

Is this a situation where you mom was saying, as long as you live under my roof, you will live by my rules, and you've been challenging that? Have you been challenging her authority? I don't understand why she would kick you out if this was an isolated incident.

 

The point is, if you pushed her until it reached a point of crisis, you may just have to cope. I certainly don't agree with her actions based on your story but life can be a bitch. If she just went nuts out of the blue, then I have a hard time thinking she won't come around.

 

I do feel for you. And I completely understand why your worried. And I'm not even sure it's legal for her to kick you out. I don't think it would be here in the US. Is there anyone else in the family that could act as an intermediary for you? I think it would be helpful to understand why she is so upset.

[Iron Bubba]

She may not be homophobic. You may have just caught her off guard, especially if you've never told her about your orientation.

 

If she is a level headed person, just give her some time to cool down on her own and then try to talk with her.

 

After she cools down she should see some reason, if she is a decent level headed person.

 

Sometimes when people ahve been caught off guard, especially if they were not prepared for it, they react badly, regardless of how level headed they may be.

[Vicki and Astrid]

Is this a situation where you mom was saying, as long as you live under my roof, you will live by my rules, and you've been challenging that? Have you been challenging her authority? I don't understand why she would kick you out if this was an isolated incident.

 

Of course we have had those discussions but not about anything major. She doesn't want me to drink at home or smoke pot and we have butted heads over that but we've always kept the dialogue open and worked through things. Having sex at home was never discussed but mum made sure I was on the pill and that I always have condoms before I go out so she clearly thinks there's at least a chance that I was sexually active.

 

She clearly would have still been annoyed if I was with a boy because she thought it was a boy when we were caught. And the truth is I probably deserve any punishment for skipping school and having sex under mums roof but it just seemed to get a whole lot worse when she realised it was a girl I was with.

 

I really wish I could provide a transcript of that night, you would see she went from angry to totally and unreasonably over the top angry as soon as she realised it was a girl.

 

Is there anyone else in the family that could act as an intermediary for you? I think it would be helpful to understand why she is so upset.

 

I want to talk to my Aunty (mums twin) but she's overseas until tomorrow. She's really the only family we have anywhere close. She has helped before explaining to mum that she can't keep me in cotton wool and needs to let me do what kids do.

[Vicki and Astrid]

She may not be homophobic. You may have just caught her off guard, especially if you've never told her about your orientation.

 

Let's hope you are right and she does come around.

 

And just to clarify I didn't discuss my orientation with my mum because honestly I was unsure. As I said we even kept this relationship from friends until very recently. Mum should have been told earlier and I take responsibility for that but the truth is I've only just come to the realisation that this is real and not just an experimentation thing myself.

[Iron Bubba]

Let's hope you are right and she does come around.

 

And just to clarify I didn't discuss my orientation with my mum because honestly I was unsure. As I said we even kept this relationship from friends until very recently. Mum should have been told earlier and I take responsibility for that but the truth is I've only just come to the realisation that this is real and not just an experimentation thing myself.

 

There is only one way to be sure.

 

That is to ask and talk.

 

Communication and trust is ALWAYS the key to a good relationship.

 

if you don't have either of those, well then you might as well just take your friend and ride like the wind.

 

And be in a Christopher Cross music video.

 

[Vicki and Astrid]

There is only one way to be sure.

 

That is to ask and talk.

 

Communication and trust is ALWAYS the key to a good relationship.

 

If only.

 

Maybe you missed it but I have already said I have rung her (phone calls ignored) and texted her (ignored as well) numerous times and except for one text back telling me when I could get my stuff when she wouldn't be home she has not replied.

 

It is not me not wanting to communicate.

[Iron Bubba]

No, I didn't miss it.

 

I could very well be wrong.

 

But just give it some time and see what happens.

 

P.S. Good luck. I wish you well.

Edited August 2, 2015 by Iron Bubba

[salparadise]

...but mum made sure I was on the pill and that I always have condoms before I go out so she clearly thinks there's at least a chance that I was sexually active.

 

She clearly would have still been annoyed if I was with a boy because she thought it was a boy when we were caught. And the truth is I probably deserve any punishment for skipping school and having sex under mums roof but it just seemed to get a whole lot worse when she realised it was a girl I was with.

 

I really wish I could provide a transcript of that night, you would see she went from angry to totally and unreasonably over the top angry as soon as she realised it was a girl.

 

 

I get it completely. It's extremely difficult for your Mum to accept that you're gay, and anger (directed at you) is how she is dealing with it. I'm in the Bible belt in the US, so I've lived around people all my life who believe there is only one right way to be... exactly like them- different is wrong. People's core beliefs are not easily changed. While she might be accepting, hypothetically, of gays she doesn't know having equal rights under the law, that's not what we're talking about here.

 

Part (b )of the equation is that she almost certainly sees you as an extension of herself, so this is an affront to her own identity. She just became the mother of a gay teenager; it wasn't her choice, and it's not within the sphere of her control. You have turned her identity inside out and she is ashamed, because her core belief is that homosexuality is wrong... and now a part of her (by extension) has become something she does not accept. It creates dissonance within and something has to change for it to be resolved.

 

Her first reaction is that you need to change, and intuitively she believes that rejection is a control mechanism (the only one available) that will force you to change. The reality is that she has to change. She must accept that you are a separate individual, that you can and will make choices she doesn't necessarily agree with, that your sexuality is not a reflection of her value as a mother or person, and that you are no less lovable as a gay/bisexual daughter than you were the day before she found out.

 

Show her how to be by example. Help her grow. Tell her you understand that it must be extremely difficult for her (but not that you understand how she feels). Tell her that it hurts like hell to be rejected by her, but it doesn't change the fact that she's your mother and you'll always love, respect and accept her because you know she always does the best she can. If you express this perspective appropriately, it will [hopefully] challenge her to step up and be as grown up as you are, and to begin separating your identity from her's.

 

If your Aunt is understanding, aware, and non-judgmental then enlist her to plead on your behalf. But be careful, because if she holds the same views as your mother then she could end up reinforcing your mother's "correctness."

 

I'm betting your mother will come around pretty soon... as soon as she realizes that losing her daughter is much worse than accepting her as a separate individual.

Edited August 2, 2015 by salparadise