Are relationships even worth it anymore?

[Brokenmech]

Hey,

 

With all the things I read on loveshack about failed relationships I'm wondering if it's even worth getting in one any more.

 

In my grandmothers day people stayed in relationships and made them work even when maybe it wasn't the best for them. These days it seems when couples are not going through great times then more often or not they break up, very few want to really "work" at it.

 

I was reading somewhere that a staggering 85% of relationships fail, some after 6 months or the 1-3 year mark. Are we in an "easy come, easy go" culture these days where most are too easy to give up? Are most relationships just too much work once you are over the "honeymoon period" and reality hits?

 

I know it's easy to get jaded, but everyone I know has ex's. Just want to gauge other peoples opinions on this.

[d0nnivain]

Of course they are. For all of the failed one, the good relationships are amazing. You simply need to find a like minded person who is able to communicate, and is willing to work.

[lana-banana]

In my grandmothers day people stayed in relationships and made them work even when maybe it wasn't the best for them. These days it seems when couples are not going through great times then more often or not they break up, very few want to really "work" at it.

 

I emphasized the "even when maybe it wasn't the best for them" because it suggests some seriously misplaced priorities. You think being in a relationship is more important than taking care of yourself? Look, in your grandmother's day people stayed in unhappy, abusive, dangerous, loveless, or otherwise miserable relationships because

 

A) the stigma of being a divorcee was so intense it was better to die miserable than risk living alone

B) religious prohibitions against divorce made it all but impossible

C) women could not earn a living independently, especially after a divorce

D) any combination of the above

 

How on earth is that preferable to contemporary western society, where we can meet and mingle and learn about ourselves through our experiences with others? If I hadn't dated before, I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate how wonderful my current boyfriend is. We've learned a lot from our own prior life mistakes so we can get it right with each other. And just the idea of staying with or marrying the first guy I seriously dated---ugh! I've grown so much since then. Haven't you?

 

LoveShack is not a barometer of anything. This forum is designed for people who are questioning, confused or hurting; you're not going to hear from the hundreds of millions of happily coupled people out there because they don't need to use the Internet as a sounding board.

 

It seems like you're looking for excuses to be pessimistic about relationships. The first time you wake up and realize you're with your dearest love and best friend you'll understand it's worth it.

[mrldii]

As others have mentioned, it's very unfair to compare marriage statistics during a time in history when people *had* to get and *had* to stay married with a time when getting and staying married is an option.

 

Your rose-colored view of statistically *successful* marriages also ignores that during the same time, it was perfectly acceptable - nay, expected - that men would have affairs outside of the marriage and that women would be OK with it. In history, women often encouraged extra-marital affairs as sex - to a proper lady - was simply for procreation and not an activity to be enjoyed.

 

There is no way to know how many of those people in *successful* marriages were happy and content and were not simply sustained out of duty, obligation, financial necessity, and adherence to social mores.

[newmoon]

i get where you're coming from... but our grandparents and great-grandparents might have been in a "failed" marriage by today's standards - lots of men and women probably were - but they didn't have options like divorce, moving across the country/world, etc. and they had tighter-knit family structures that helped couples plod along. now, we have more options - especially women, which likely makes it seem like more relationships fail. but people have always cheated, had flings on the side, had kids out of wedlock, etc. it's always been there, it's just more above-board now. but relationships are definitely changing from what they once were; no longer typical nuclear families, but gay families, people dying never married, polygamy, etc. more choices makes it harder to find your match.

[jbrent890]

There is actually a similar thread on TAM right now and it is by far one of the more morbid things I have read on either site. The benefits of being in a happy relationship far outweigh the cons. The issue is that our society does not celebrate happy relationships. The only ones that you hear about are the ones that end badly. If you choose to believe the research (and most people don't because they rather use their own lives as references and apply it to the whole), the divorce rate has gone down and cheating in marriages is nowhere near as bad as people make it out to be.

 

Again, the issues is people use their own experiences and apply it to everyone else. If someone got cheated on or know someone who cheated or is cheating, then they automatically assume that it happens to most people. That is far from the case. Multiple studies have proven that a 25 year marriage has a 25% chance of experiencing infidelity. Not to mention, the age in which people get married plays a huge role in it as well. Even though people are getting married at older ages, you still have a very large population of people that get married or have kids under the age of 25. In my developmental psychology course, I learned that there is a new phase of life called emerging adulthood. This usually takes place between the ages of 20 and 30. During this time, people usually date a bunch, travel, further their education, and save money. It has been shown that when people choose to ignore this stage in life, they set themselves up for bad marriages and possibly cheating on their spouses.

 

In addition, there is a dating expert I follow a lot named Evan Katz. Even though his advice is geared towards women, he really does cuts through all the negative BS you hear associated with relationships. I certainly suggest you all read his material.

 

Lastly, from what I noticed, after people say "I do", they stop trying, especially once they have kids. One of the best relationships I have seen is a doctor I work with on my floor. Even though he and his wife have been married for a number of years and have three kids, he still dates his spouse. And I'm not talking about the occasional dinner out. They frequently go to concerts at red rocks, sporting events, sky diving, etc. And they do all these things without their kids. When you get married, thats when you have to try even more. Long term relationships aren't for the weak willed. If you aren't willing to put the work in, then don't engage in them. And the same can be said for whatever partner you end up with. Thats my 2 cents.

[Popsicle]

You're only going to hear the bad stuff on message boards because people are in trouble and looking for help. When they are happy, they don't post, because they are too busy being happy and marinading in their happiness, so don't take what you read online as representative.

[Robert Z]

You're only going to hear the bad stuff on message boards because people are in trouble and looking for help. When they are happy, they don't post,

 

 

I don't think that's true in all cases. We have a number of couples here and I was posting about my sb mostly because I was insanely happy. If I didn't tell someone I was going to pop.

[Robert Z]

You simply need to find a like minded person who is able to communicate, and is willing to work.

 

 

Simply?

 

And what about falling in love? And who gets to decide when love will strike, and with whom? I certainly never expected to fall in love with an escort.

 

OP, I think you are asking the wrong question: Relationships are worth it if they bring you happiness. But expecting them to last a lifetime may generally be too much to expect.

 

 

Is "forever" the only criteria that determines if a relationship is successful?

Edited August 1, 2015 by Robert Z

[Popsicle]

I don't think that's true in all cases. We have a number of couples here and I was posting about my sb mostly because I was insanely happy. If I didn't tell someone I was going to pop.

 

Well normally, people have someone to tell in real life when they are happy, so that's what they do.

[Woggle]

They are but you have to be very cautious and selective in who you commit to. In other words know who you are marrying.

[Robert Z]

Well normally, people have someone to tell in real life when they are happy, so that's what they do.

 

Ah, but no one wants to hear about it! The older you get, the less people want to hear about your happiness.

 

Never mind that I was gushing for almost three years.

 

 

Also, the statistics on failed relationships do not depend on LS. I don't know where he got his number of 85% but that sounds about right to me. We know over 50% end in divorce and we know there are plenty of people who are married but miserable. And we know that sites like Ashley Madison are fantastically successful.

Edited August 1, 2015 by Robert Z

[Giggle]

Yeaaah, my grandparents were together for 70 years. She was on anti-depressants for a long time. My grandpa was the warm fun one that was spontaneous. My grandma was the responsible one that way no fun and had to make sure everything worked. I do not want their relationship. He rolled his eyes at her and laughed. She snarked.

[hotpotato]

Your relatives have some horror stories, i bet. My great grandpa cheated and had a secret family. Yet great granny stayed bc thats what people did, and she,was also tethered to him via 10 kids.

[jbrent890]

Ah, but no one wants to hear about it! The older you get, the less people want to hear about your happiness.

 

Never mind that I was gushing for almost three years.

 

 

Also, the statistics on failed relationships do not depend on LS. I don't know where he got his number of 85% but that sounds about right to me. We know over 50% end in divorce and we know there are plenty of people who are married but miserable. And we know that sites like Ashley Madison are fantastically successful.

 

Again, the divorce rate is extremely age dependent. If you get married under the age of 25, then yes your marriage has a 50% chance of divorce. However, if you get married over the age of 30 (first time), then the divorce rate is around 15 to 20%. In terms of the 85%, I think that is because a lot of people date excessively in their 20s.

[Phoe]

Well, people have exes because for most, it takes more than one try to find a person you can spend your life with.

 

It's not a matter of "meh, I'm tired of putting in effort, move along!"

 

There'd be a lot of miserable people out there if everyone was obligated to remain tethered for life to the first person they ever had a relationship with.

[No Limit]

My great-grandmother had to live with a cheating tyrant of a husband; no doubt she would have divorced him ASAP if she had the option to. And I believe there are many more with similar stories from the past. Things are just looking worse because finally teenagers are spared from fairytales of happy ever after marriages, and the person - be it the man or the woman - who doesn't feel good in the relationship is given the option to leave. Yes there are people out there who don't care, yes there are people who are only in the game for themselves, but there are also many who have traditional ideals and values in mind when they think of relationships - just because those people don't start an internet movement doesn't mean they don't exist, generalizations lead nowhere. You just need to look more carefully and expect to search for a while longer than the time it would take parents and in-laws to discuss the dowry.

[Popsicle]

Ah, but no one wants to hear about it! The older you get, the less people want to hear about your happiness.

 

Never mind that I was gushing for almost three years.

 

 

Also, the statistics on failed relationships do not depend on LS. I don't know where he got his number of 85% but that sounds about right to me. We know over 50% end in divorce and we know there are plenty of people who are married but miserable. And we know that sites like Ashley Madison are fantastically successful.

 

Hey look, I only have the energy to smother one person with rainbows at a time. It's the OP's turn.

[hc154]

Thanks mrldii.

 

 

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