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Don't Talk About Her.....


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PLEASE READ AND HELP ME OUT...

 

I am 61 years old, and NO family, they are all dead, long story.

 

I lost my last parent at age 19 and married at age 20 and have NO siblings. After 30 years of marriage I lost my wife to a very bad mental illness. We had NO children. I lost most my friends during the marriage because they did not want to cope with her, or my problems.

 

I am now with a Lady I am dating. She asks me about places I have been, or done in my past years. Everything for 30 plus years involved my wife that passed on. My friend does not like it when she learns I was in over 70% of all the places and cities in my State with my past wife.

 

I am told NOT to tell my girl friend anything about my past with my dead wife. BUT I do not have any family, children or close friends to talk about. People ask me in front of my GF if I ever did, or when to a place. I tell them yes I did, and they ask with who....

 

What do I say, what do I do???? Every one has a life they can talk about, and it is OK, but my whole life for 30+ years revolved around one person... and what we did.

 

NOW I feel that I must keep my mouth shut and do what???

 

HELP.....

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There would be a difference, it seems, between recalling places/events with your late wife......and talking about her mental illness.

 

Couldn't you briefly describe a place or trip without giving an autobiography?

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If you haven't already, explain it to her like you did here. For all of your adult life, you have had no one but your now-deceased wife with whom to have experiences; it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that, factually speaking, any and all of Your Story is going to include your wife.

 

As long as every story/sentence/thought of yours doesn't begin with "My now-deceased wife, whom I loved and adored deeply, and I used to _____" (or words to that effect), it is unfair of anyone to expect you to completely obliterate Your Past Story...especially a story that has no additional characters.

 

If she can't understand that, then it would appear she has a bigger problem which is that she can't stand the fact that at 61 years of age you Had a Life Before Her, regardless of how many characters made up that story. If that's the case, then she's being completely unreasonable and insecure; it is doubtful that any man will be able to quell her insecurities, as most (at this age) will have still-living ex-wives, children from previous marriages, grandchildren to visit, [holiday] traditions which require your presence, etc.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

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#1.... I do not talk to my friends about my wife's illness....

#2.... When asked like if I went to the Detoit Tiger games, I say yes. Then I am asked things like when, and with who.... All I tell them is I did go a few times with my wife, and NO details....

 

I do not sit and talk and talk about my wife, but when asked, what am I to say? I can not lie, and when asked more questions, I say I do not want to talk about it... Then I am told I am with holding some truth... So I again say very little, and then feelings are hurt.

 

Again I am told NOT to talk about my past wife, but keep getting asked about my past....

 

People have a family, friends and others to talk about... I just have me....

 

I am lost on what to say any more..... The people in my life now ask... but I am told not to say anything....

 

Again I am lost.... on what to do...

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#1.... I do not talk to my friends about my wife's illness....

#2.... When asked like if I went to the Detoit Tiger games, I say yes. Then I am asked things like when, and with who.... All I tell them is I did go a few times with my wife, and NO details....

 

I do not sit and talk and talk about my wife, but when asked, what am I to say? I can not lie, and when asked more questions, I say I do not want to talk about it... Then I am told I am with holding some truth... So I again say very little, and then feelings are hurt.

 

Again I am told NOT to talk about my past wife, but keep getting asked about my past....

 

People have a family, friends and others to talk about... I just have me....

 

I am lost on what to say any more..... The people in my life now ask... but I am told not to say anything....

 

Again I am lost.... on what to do...

 

Cyber, have you had any grief counseling?

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You tell her not to ask if she doesn't want the truth. And I realize it's not easy to find someone, but if she's that sensitive and jealous, not sure I'd hang on to her. You can't be expected to erase all your memories. And if you haven't told her what you just told us, that this is IT, this IS your life, then you must.

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Timshel

 

Grief counseling is for a person that needs help on going through griefing of a lost loved one, or in my case many loved ones. I have dealt with that, and the death of my family before the age of 19. I found my father dead in a pool of his own blood at the age of 8, and had counseling for years. I am an adopted child, my single young blood Mother died.... Life goes on...

 

I do not, and have not given an autobiography on any trips, and fun I had in the past. It is not worth it... and I understand how people do not care most the time. They ask to be nice...

 

I do my very best to keep topics short and simple. But, no matter what is said, or asked of me, feelings get hurt. GF's do not even want to know of past relationships I do know this... But the past GF's I did have, keep asking...

 

Maybe it is not only time to move on, and be alone. Dating stinks, even with the same person for over 3 years.....

 

It may be time to just keep my past to myself...

 

NO I am not being selfish.. or a pitty party.. I tell it like it is...

 

Keep your family, Love them... and keep them close, some day you may be like me.... NO family....

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There is no reason to believe that you should be alone. The same, no reason to feel uncomfortable about your past. You have done nothing wrong and should feel safe inside knowing you have loved who you have loved and lived your life.

 

We have two things in common, I am adopted and my husband passed.

 

My thinking is that you have perhaps held so much in that you are bursting to let some things out. People pick up on this. Your girlfriends would not be intimidated by you being candid and open, rather a boiling cauldron of unexpressed feelings that they sense?

 

What do you think?

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I couldn't imagine censoring my history, stories, etc. and I couldn't imagine asking anyone else to. Your life, a lot of it, involved your ex wife. That is expected and normal that she would be in the stories. To expect otherwise is dysfunctional.

 

Sorry, I think I would take a hard look at your girlfriend what you are explaining is reasonable and logical.

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There is no reason to believe that you should be alone. The same, no reason to feel uncomfortable about your past. You have done nothing wrong and should feel safe inside knowing you have loved who you have loved and lived your life.

 

We have two things in common, I am adopted and my husband passed.

 

My thinking is that you have perhaps held so much in that you are bursting to let some things out. People pick up on this. Your girlfriends would not be intimidated by you being candid and open, rather a boiling cauldron of unexpressed feelings that they sense?

 

What do you think?

 

This all happened when we both went on a trip last week in the State we both live. I have been to every fun thing to see and do in my state. I am not "Bursting", I am hurt, and lost what to do anymore.

 

How dare I even say anything when asked. I am one that does not lie, and know when to keep my mouth shut. When asked if I was at a city or place, what am I to do, lie... my GF looked at all my photos from the past 30+ years, she wanted to see them... She knows where I have been, what I did over the years, and my past on how I lost my family to their death.

 

But yet GF's do not want to hear my past stuff.... I feel as if my past must be placed in a box, and never let out.

 

I Loved my past wife.. true... but I do not want a replacment.... no

 

People can not replace a Loved one with another ever. But I would live my past ..... 40 years all over again....

 

Remember, you and others have a family to talk about.... I do not. I lost all my friends due to my past.... I am disabled and can not ever work again....

 

YES Life is hard, and getting old is NOT for the weak!

 

As I said, I am just lost on what to say and do any more..... People get so offended and hurt any more ... WOW

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This all happened when we both went on a trip last week in the State we both live. I have been to every fun thing to see and do in my state. I am not "Bursting", I am hurt, and lost what to do anymore.

 

How dare I even say anything when asked. I am one that does not lie, and know when to keep my mouth shut. When asked if I was at a city or place, what am I to do, lie... my GF looked at all my photos from the past 30+ years, she wanted to see them... She knows where I have been, what I did over the years, and my past on how I lost my family to their death.

 

But yet GF's do not want to hear my past stuff.... I feel as if my past must be placed in a box, and never let out.

 

I Loved my past wife.. true... but I do not want a replacment.... no

 

People can not replace a Loved one with another ever. But I would live my past ..... 40 years all over again....

 

Remember, you and others have a family to talk about.... I do not. I lost all my friends due to my past.... I am disabled and can not ever work again....

 

YES Life is hard, and getting old is NOT for the weak!

 

As I said, I am just lost on what to say and do any more..... People get so offended and hurt any more ... WOW

 

Ok. Not being able to speak to people close to you about your past and feelings must really hurt and be so frustrating.

 

It is not ok for people in your life now to make you feel bad to talk.

 

Getting old is not for the weak and you are not. You love your late wife and have the courage to move forward. Any person who tells you that the sweat, blood and tears of your life are of no value.......you know where they can stick that, right?

 

Tell me though, you have said you feel confused about what to say to your girlfriend, asking, what does she do for you? What does this woman bring to your table?

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My GF has helped me more than I can ever repay her... this is true.

 

We stay in town and have a good time, it is when we both travel and meet friends we all talk. The problem comes when any topic comes up, some how it leads to people asking me what, where and when....With ONLY one person in my life for 30 years of marraige, and of that 20 years of her illness...my close friends left me. I just wish I had a family...so sad...

 

I did deal with my wife, as I was told by Doctors.. outstanding... by Far. Yes it was hard on me, and I did feel a load come off me after she was gone... I felt free from the berden.

 

Oh... I would do it all over again. I am a much better person, stronger and have feelings most men do not have....

 

It is just very hard to talk about other people in my life, when I had none. Only people I worked with... they were only co-workers.

 

Yes, others in my life understand this... but when in a relationship... it is very hard on the other person you Love....

 

I do read all what is written to me... and take it to heart... I have my ears open, and do understand all your words...

 

Dave

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I think its probably normal to experience a slight amount of jealousy when anyone brings up an ex, but to expect you to never speak of your deceased wife seems odd to me.

 

What is your gf's story? Was she previously married?

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Welcome cyber and let me start by sending you my condolences on the loss of your wife. My first wife of 17 years died in my arms and I now how it feels.

 

You shouldn't censor your life, but you are correct that no woman wants to hear about a previous wife constantly, especially if you had a happy marriage and she has had bad relationships. Of course you can bring your wife up if it's necessary, but you can learn to do what I do. I talk freely about places I have been, things I have done (and my own memories are my own to cherish), but I don't mention my wife to a GF unless there is a reason to specifically. If someone asks who you were with, tell them my deceased wife and let it go at that. If someone external to your GF is asking, they won't be that interested in hearing about your wife beyond the fact that she's dead (believe me, I know.)

 

If it's your GF who is asking about her then she can listen about her. Maybe she wants to know more about her, honestly she should because there is no threat from her and who she's really learning about is you.

 

But, if you have visited Houghton lake or the Ford factory in Dearborn for instance and the convo is appropriate for discussing that, just talk about how you enjoyed it, what you saw and what you learned. To be blunt, nobody wants to know or needs to know why your dead wife liked it.

 

Just remember, you had a life and it's no lesser than anyone else's. YOU did. I know how it is. When dating after so long you wish your GF would just embrace all things you, but I have yet to meet a woman who really wants to hear about my dead wife or ex wife. My second wife didn't want to see pictures of my dead wife so I took them down out of respect for her wishes. That didn't mean I cared less about my first wife nor did it erase any of my feelings or memories; it just solved a problem and to be honest, it was for my own good anyway.

 

Good luck!

 

Ken

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Welcome cyber and let me start by sending you my condolences on the loss of your wife. My first wife of 17 years died in my arms and I now how it feels.

 

You shouldn't censor your life, but you are correct that no woman wants to hear about a previous wife constantly, especially if you had a happy marriage and she has had bad relationships. Of course you can bring your wife up if it's necessary, but you can learn to do what I do. I talk freely about places I have been, things I have done (and my own memories are my own to cherish), but I don't mention my wife to a GF unless there is a reason to specifically. If someone asks who you were with, tell them my deceased wife and let it go at that. If someone external to your GF is asking, they won't be that interested in hearing about your wife beyond the fact that she's dead (believe me, I know.)

 

If it's your GF who is asking about her then she can listen about her. Maybe she wants to know more about her, honestly she should because there is no threat from her and who she's really learning about is you.

 

But, if you have visited Houghton lake or the Ford factory in Dearborn for instance and the convo is appropriate for discussing that, just talk about how you enjoyed it, what you saw and what you learned. To be blunt, nobody wants to know or needs to know why your dead wife liked it.

 

Just remember, you had a life and it's no lesser than anyone else's. YOU did. I know how it is. When dating after so long you wish your GF would just embrace all things you, but I have yet to meet a woman who really wants to hear about my dead wife or ex wife. My second wife didn't want to see pictures of my dead wife so I took them down out of respect for her wishes. That didn't mean I cared less about my first wife nor did it erase any of my feelings or memories; it just solved a problem and to be honest, it was for my own good anyway.

 

Good luck!

 

Ken

 

I am sorry but I don't agree. I am a second wife and I think it is weird if I DON'T hear about his ex wife. Just like I don't want to censor about my ex husband. There is no reason to avoid the topic and I think it is very odd, and like he is hiding things, if he talks about a place, event, etc. and circumvents saying his ex wife was there. This is the mother of his kids and should be part of the story. That doesn't make me jealous.

 

I think anyone over the age of 20 should be comfortable with your SO having a past. To want to hide it, rewrite it, etc. is immature and juvenile.

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Ok, children, gather around as Gloria25 dawns her flame retardant suit...cuz, she's about to get flamed....

 

How do I say this? Ok, I'm not your typical woman...IMO, I don't need to dig into your past, I don't need to know everything about you and your exes, family, etc...UNLESS it is something that can affect "our" present RL...

 

Gosh, women just seem to want to pry, pry, pry...talk, talk, talk and it drives me up the wall. That comedian from the "Smarter than a Fifth Grader" he had a joke once about this. He was like he's watching TV and out of the blue, his woman asks "what are you thinking?" And he's like "nothing" and it's the freakin' truth!!! Women, we're always in our heads, even in our sleep we're mulling over stuff - not men!!!

t

In other words, if you battled drugs for years, I need to know how long you been sober/clean...have you had any relapses - cuz, that might just affect you and "us" now. What if I marry you and you just fell off the wagon a few months ago?

 

Also, my family/childhood isn't wasn't the greatest...so, I'm the last one who wants to go into the murky details of that. About where you were and what you've seen/done? Eh, depends...I don't expect you to be Indiana Jones, but if you have no life, I guess in convo I have a right to discover that about you cuz if we ever marry and there's a show in town I would like to see and you rather veg on the couch, we probably aren't a match and I need you to be "yourself" while dating me and not pretend to be James Bond here, so I can make an informed decision on our compatibility.

 

Now, if you stayed with a mentally ill woman for 30 years, I would like to sure know about that...cuz again, how do I know you're healthy enough to want a healthy woman? Are you Captain Save a Ho, and if I don't have a broken wing you're gonna get turned off by me?

 

So, to sum it up, what you tell her or any woman should be based on:

 

1-Relevance: If it doesn't affect who you are today and our current RL, do not disclose.

 

2-Timing: Not gonna tell someone on the first date you have an STD, crazy family, a cat...etc. Some things are personal and until you believe this person is trusting and worthy for something serious, then you reveal it.

 

Also, people need time to get to know you. For example, you seem to be afraid that you haven't seen/done a lot in your life. Well, if she asks you stuff about where you been and/or she seems she likes to go out now and then, well, be honest. Be like, nope, I haven't been there, but maybe sometime we can catch a game downtown.

 

So, I'm not saying change/conceal who you are to please someone else...but, if they mean that much to you, maybe picking up a new interest and/or activity of theirs might not be a big sacrifice...Also, that's what RLs are about - which is to bring out the best in the other person. So, let's say you don't like taking walks and she does...well, join her on a walk, you might just like it.

 

Sorry for the rant, but hope this helps :)

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Cyber, your relationship with your past wife plays a large part in who you are today.

 

 

Your girlfriend wants to live in a world that doesn't exist. She wants to pretend you didn't have this past life and relationship. And this is sad because the man she is attracted to and admires (you) is the way he is because of the life he lived with his former wife.

 

 

I seems like you are feeling forced into a box where you don't feel you can mention your deceased wife in the course of a perfectly natural conversation without experiencing repercussions. I think you should feel perfectly free to mention her in this context. For someone else to expect that you should pretend and unnaturally avoid mentioning your deceased wife is, in essence, not allowing you to just be yourself and, even more troubling, is rejecting a huge part of what makes you YOU. It is a form of rejection of you as a person.

 

 

There are plenty of women that have the maturity and are secure enough to allow you the freedom to be yourself.

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Also, keep it simple and it's how/what you say that's important...

 

For example, if she wonders why you haven't had kids all these years - you could say that it was simply a preference of you and your ex.

 

If she asks how come you haven't seen/done much...and truth is you were a workaholic, don't say "I was a workaholic" cuz that sounds terrible. Say, you were "very focused on your career". See, how that sounds different?

 

And, if you catch her like making faces and stuff, be like - that was a one chapter in your life, and now you're ready for a new one...one, hopefully you can embark on with someone wonderful like her :love:

 

Good luck!!!

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I'm confused...Is the new girlfriend the one who doesn't like the fact you've been some places with his ex-wife, or is someone else telling OP not to mention the ex-wife to the new GF?

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I'm confused...Is the new girlfriend the one who doesn't like the fact you've been some places with his ex-wife, or is someone else telling OP not to mention the ex-wife to the new GF?

 

Ok, forgive me here...

 

I re-read the OP...

 

Seems like his current gf is finding out he's been at a lot of places in their state with his dead ex-wife...so, new gf seems to be one of those insanely jealous, sick, and insecure women who feel they are in competition with a guy's ex - even if she's dead.

 

So, people have been telling the OP to never-ever mention the ex - much less things he's seen/done with the ex to his current gf.

 

I think his gf needs to get a clue...she should be happy of the fact that this guy had notable memories with his ex in activities they did here/there rather than be in a turf contest with a dead woman.

 

Geesh, so, if she find out you all went to let's say the Canadian border - which would be normal for people in MI who travel - is she gonna ban you from ever going back there and/or taking her there? :confused:

 

I mean, if he was constantly reminiscing about his ex when she asks if he's been to a particular place, I could see where she's getting annoyed. But, if he asks about a particular park and he's like - oh yea, Jane and I used to jog there all the time, I don't see what his gf's beef is about.

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Ok, forgive me here...

 

I re-read the OP...

 

Seems like his current gf is finding out he's been at a lot of places in their state with his dead ex-wife...so, new gf seems to be one of those insanely jealous, sick, and insecure women who feel they are in competition with a guy's ex - even if she's dead.

 

So, people have been telling the OP to never-ever mention the ex - much less things he's seen/done with the ex to his current gf.

 

I think his gf needs to get a clue...she should be happy of the fact that this guy had notable memories with his ex in activities they did here/there rather than be in a turf contest with a dead woman.

 

Geesh, so, if she find out you all went to let's say the Canadian border - which would be normal for people in MI who travel - is she gonna ban you from ever going back there and/or taking her there? :confused:

 

I mean, if he was constantly reminiscing about his ex when she asks if he's been to a particular place, I could see where she's getting annoyed. But, if he asks about a particular park and he's like - oh yea, Jane and I used to jog there all the time, I don't see what his gf's beef is about.

 

I think you had it right the first time Gloria:

 

My GF has helped me more than I can ever repay her... this is true.

 

We stay in town and have a good time, it is when we both travel and meet friends we all talk. The problem comes when any topic comes up, some how it leads to people asking me what, where and when....

 

From what I read...here's another:

 

I am now with a Lady I am dating. She asks me about places I have been, or done in my past years. Everything for 30 plus years involved my wife that passed on. My friend does not like it when she learns I was in over 70% of all the places and cities in my State with my past wife.

 

I am told NOT to tell my girl friend anything about my past with my dead wife. BUT I do not have any family, children or close friends to talk about. People ask me in front of my GF if I ever did, or when to a place. I tell them yes I did, and they ask with who....

 

My read on that is his Gf asks about his past and his wife, but a different female friend is giving the advice not to tell all this to his GF.

 

Dave, is this correct?

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I am sorry but I don't agree. I am a second wife and I think it is weird if I DON'T hear about his ex wife. Just like I don't want to censor about my ex husband. There is no reason to avoid the topic and I think it is very odd, and like he is hiding things, if he talks about a place, event, etc. and circumvents saying his ex wife was there. This is the mother of his kids and should be part of the story. That doesn't make me jealous.

 

I think anyone over the age of 20 should be comfortable with your SO having a past. To want to hide it, rewrite it, etc. is immature and juvenile.

 

While I agree, you must agree that you wouldn't want to be bombarded by it. Sure, " [Julie] and I visited Paris in 1997", that's awesome and one should be happy for them. Also, he visited Paris! Now: "well, [Julie] and I used to love going to the beach every 4th of July. I miss [Julie] so much *sniff* All I could ever want is someone to do the things that [Julie] used to do with me because I feel this huge hole in my life. By the way, do you like spicy foods? [Julie] used to love them!

 

There are limits. Enough said is: "yes, I have traveled to Europe, I went to Paris in 1997 with my deceased wife, [Julie]. So, do you like spicy foods? I love them!

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Clarence_Boddicker

Who is telling you to NOT talk about anything to do with your deceased wife? Is it your girlfriend?

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While I agree, you must agree that you wouldn't want to be bombarded by it. Sure, " [Julie] and I visited Paris in 1997", that's awesome and one should be happy for them. Also, he visited Paris! Now: "well, [Julie] and I used to love going to the beach every 4th of July. I miss [Julie] so much *sniff* All I could ever want is someone to do the things that [Julie] used to do with me because I feel this huge hole in my life. By the way, do you like spicy foods? [Julie] used to love them!

 

There are limits. Enough said is: "yes, I have traveled to Europe, I went to Paris in 1997 with my deceased wife, [Julie]. So, do you like spicy foods? I love them!

 

No I don't agree. His ex wife comes up in conversation a great deal, we have shared kids, two who are minors, so the idea that we don't discuss her is just . . . weird.

 

I really don't care. I want the unvarnished truth on things so editing is a much bigger red flag to me than anything else. And I EXPECT to hear good things about the ex, it wouldn't make sense if everything was awful and that would be editing.

 

And the OP has never described any situation where he is gushing about his ex, finding every moment to work her into conversation or (more importantly) comparing the two women (i.e my ex did this, why don't you?).

 

He is just going over the facts of events that happened. He is being factual. The idea of anything less than, to edits oneself is being untrue to yourself. And I take issue with that if that was expected of me.

 

I talk about my ex, shoot we grew up together, how could I describe my high school, college and young adult years without including him? It isn't all sunshine and roses but we had a lot of great times together and I am not going to edit that for someone.

 

Again, you are creating a hyperbole situation that is not germane to what the OP has said. Just stating the facts, fine. Going over existing emotions, red flag.

 

Also jealousy is not an issue for me. I rarely have felt it and so maybe I have a much higher bar than others. I do not feel threatened about the past. And I look at how a person speaks about the past to see how they will speak about the future. If I see all negativity, rewriting, erasing, etc. I will expect to see them do that with me which is a huge red flag. Realistically all past relationship have good and bad I would expect to hear about that.

 

Add in the death of the SO, and not a just a break up, and I give more latitude on positive feelings.

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