Fight Night?

[Otter2569]

Lately I am on some sort of freaking roller coaster ride - I can be guaranteed a fight every few days. They are getting so bad and I feel that they are out of control - and they start over nothing.

 

I am a happy go lucky guy who grew up in a verbally abusive house so fighting is not my favorite thing but i am not push over either - I will go ape **** when i hit my limit.

 

Any how, my GF feels that she can say what ever, when ever and calls it "expressing herself". Whenever I reply to "express myself" she always responds with one of a few canned replies: "you always blame me, you are trying to cause a fight, you always have to be right". I am so not like that and i know its a way to cut me down so then I go silent and tune out. Of course I am a jerk for that too. She goes on and on and on. eventually I hit the wall and go into a rage of swears and F everything. I rarely loose my temper but I am at the end of my rope. Then I am a jerk for saying mean things. I am ready to give up!

 

How in hell do you fight so that you are heard and have a constructive argument?

[Gloria25]

Can you give an example of one of these "discussions" that turn into fights, violence, etc.?

[Otter2569]

Example: I have several female friends on Facebook. They are married and there is absolutely nothing going on but she dislikes them commenting on my posts. The other day I made a post and one of the girls made a comment. I got the silent treatment all day - few if any loving texts. When I see GF in the evening she lacks the normal vigor and enthusiasm so expecting a fight I pull back and say that we seem off....WWIII erupts shortly there after. She makes a scene, leave the restaurant, makes a scene on the street and we fight about what ever for two days straight.

 

Her other favorite lines are: "shes never good enough" and "I expect her to be perfect"

[Otter2569]

Example 2: we are talking. She brings up yoga. I tell her about a girl at work who did sunrise yoga in the park. How the girl is new at work and we chit chat once in a while. I also jokingly say she is half my age and not attractive so there is nothing to worry about...WWIII again.

[Gloria25]

Thanks for the examples...and I just read your thread about the "magic wand" purchase and the fight that ensued.

 

IMO, your gf sounds controlling and insecure....no need to fly off the handle for a simple purchase - of which you mentioned to her about and she glossed over.

 

About the other women thing? Yep, your gf is irrationally jealous and possessive.

 

Can't rationalize with irrational people, so sorry, no suggestions on how to have a "normal", "adult/mature" with someone like her...waste of time. She needs to get a handle on herself.

 

I mean, can you brush your teeth w/o asking her permission? Does she have to have passwords to everything you got? Don't you dare see a celebrity on TV and say she's hot or your gf will bash your head in!!!

[Otter2569]

Example 3: After work I get to her place and she is in bed crying (still about the girl at work). She says she feels like I dont ever listen to her. I immediately get excited and say "I feel the exact same way (her not listening to me). Hoping we have a connection....but no: She yells at me for cutting her off and not letting her talk. Tells me I need to let her talk and then i can talk. Feeling controlled I get pissy and say "shouldnt it be a conversation where we both talk and we both listen" We go back and forth before I get disgusted and then just shut up. I sat there and listened to her repeat herself and cry for over an hour. I do make the occasional wise ass comment and joke about me dating a girl half my age - REALLY??? Hoping it will lighten the mood.

[Otter2569]

Example 4: Example 3 finally winds down. I am talking to her in the kitchen about my kids having a dentist appointment when she turns and walks into the other room. She returns with some laundry and doesn't even acknowledge I was talking to her. I told her I thought that was rude. She tells me I am always blaming her...now I go bull **** and tell her she is a F'ing mental case and a few other choice words. I sleep alone wishing i was any where but there.

[Otter2569]

ok rational conversation is out of the question. I kind of figured that but was caught in the cycle. In 18 years of marriage I didnt fight this much or sleep apart as much as i've done in the last 1.5 years.

 

Anything I can do to stop the insanity and cut short the hours of torture? Or better yet, what can I do to really piss her off?

 

Definitely some controlling stuff going on. She had an abusive ex and I am seriously thinking she is starting to treat me that way.

[Gloria25]

ok rational conversation is out of the question. I kind of figured that but was caught in the cycle. In 18 years of marriage I didnt fight this much or sleep apart as much as i've done in the last 1.5 years.

 

Anything I can do to stop the insanity and cut short the hours of torture? Or better yet, what can I do to really piss her off?

 

Definitely some controlling stuff going on. She had an abusive ex and I am seriously thinking she is starting to treat me that way.

 

Oh, you guys have been married for 18 years?

 

Sorry, I don't follow the background of all/most people's threads here.

 

Well, if she's having this abrupt change in the past 1.5 years and I'm assuming you all are in your 40's? Ever consider she may be in menopause? Even if she isn't, if this is a recent and abrupt change in personality, unless it is alcohol/drugs, maybe could take her to see a doctor and get a work up to see if she's having a medical issue (ie chemical imbalance with aging, hormones) that is affecting her personality.

[Popsicle]

I hate fighting.

[Mrin]

Anything I can do to stop the insanity and cut short the hours of torture? Or better yet, what can I do to really piss her off?

 

Break up?

 

I was once in a relationship like this. She basically ended up in this vicious cycle of insecurity and conflict. It killed the relationship for me.

 

But - many many years later we spoke about it. She apologized for basically going nuts. However I learned the reason for her going nuts. She started thinking about the future and what we looked like. She graduated law school a year ahead of me and started practicing in a town four hours away. Though I was a devoted BF and made the trip down there often, I was giving no signals of moving down there. Nor was I giving any signals of getting her to move back. I was just living in the moment and trying to finish grad school.

 

That uncertainty drove her insecurity through the roof and in masking it she basically became unstable and picked fights with me nonstop.

 

So ask yourself - is this all just a manifestation of something underlying your relationship? Maybe something you aren't even aware of?

[Gloria25]

Break up?

 

I was once in a relationship like this. She basically ended up in this vicious cycle of insecurity and conflict. It killed the relationship for me.

 

But - many many years later we spoke about it. She apologized for basically going nuts. However I learned the reason for her going nuts. She started thinking about the future and what we looked like. She graduated law school a year ahead of me and started practicing in a town four hours away. Though I was a devoted BF and made the trip down there often, I was giving no signals of moving down there. Nor was I giving any signals of getting her to move back. I was just living in the moment and trying to finish grad school.

 

That uncertainty drove her insecurity through the roof and in masking it she basically became unstable and picked fights with me nonstop.

 

So ask yourself - is this all just a manifestation of something underlying your relationship? Maybe something you aren't even aware of?

 

Great point ^^^

 

If someone is snapping at you and stuff, sometimes there's an underlying issue going on...

[CarrieT]

Otter, this is the chick you broke up with before?

 

Sounds too insecure and full of drama... I don't see this ending well, I'm afraid.

[Otter2569]

Carrie, it is.

 

Honestly I think its a lethal cocktail of insecurity, menopause / hormonal stuff, wanting more out of the relationship, past relationship issues and personality.

 

Thats a of **** to take on.

 

When its good its great but when its bad its bad. We obviously have different fighting styles but its unacceptable that I get over powered then shut down when its my turn to say anything.

[Otter2569]

Popsicle, me and you both!

 

Worse yet is being in a hostile situation and not being able to express yourself, knowing you dont have a chance of being listened to (insert flashback of kid feeling trapped and repeatedly yelled at by their strict and drunken step father).

 

I am fun and easy going but no doormat. Once I hit my limit i have no problem fighting but I am taking someone down when I get there. It is not pretty. I feel its crossed a serious line if I get to this point and it bothers me afterwards because thats not who I am or want to be.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Otter2569

[Otter2569]

We are NOT married. Dating for a year plus. I was married for 18. It was stable but dull. This is exciting but volatile. I'd like to think you can find stable and exciting????

 

Sorry for the lack of clarity

[salparadise]

When people are constantly upset about nothing and escalating it to outright fights as you describe it's almost certainly about their insecurity, pain and inability to discern between their own reaction and your intention. In other words, they perceive every little thing as a serious threat to their sense of self, and they project to onto their intimate partner because they aren't able to own their feelings understand where it's coming from. It can't be them so it must be you.

 

The boundaries have dissolved. There is no clear delineation of where she ends and you begin. She expects you to think and speak only what she needs rather than as a separate individual with your own mind. The range of acceptable responses is so narrow that you can't possibly meet the expectation.

 

Not that it's going to solve all the problems, but there are a few things you can do. Enforce your personal boundaries gently but firmly by saying what you feel using only "I" statements. If you say "I feel... " followed by a non-threatening description of how you actually feel, it can't really be disputed (because only you know how you actually feel). However, if you say, "You always... " followed by something that might be perceived as an accusation, even a tiny thing, it's almost guaranteed to escalate. So lower your voice (as opposed to raising it) and say "I feel... " followed by a reasonable statement that asserts your right to have your own thoughts, feelings and intentions separate from her interpretation of such.

 

Use active listening techniques. When she says something to you, try to clarify the communication by paraphrasing and reflecting it back for agreement. In a sense this is the inverse of the "I" statement. You are showing her that you are making a sincere effort to understand what she is trying to communicate, and asking her to confirm that what you heard is what she intended.

 

If you can manage to do these things in a calm, non-confrontational tone, and refuse to be triggered (which she will try her damnedest to do) then you drastically change the dynamic between you by not providing fuel to the conflict. She won't like it at first because she's getting some kind of affirmation from the conflict (yea, it doesn't seem rational). If you refuse to engage and use these methods it will force her to change as well. It might not be what you want––she may end up throwing stuff rather than screaming––but something will have to change in her approach as well.

 

As I said, I don't see this as being a solution to all of your relationship issues. Once it's gone as far as open hostility it's hard to get back to caring and affection, but it's not impossible. If she is so insecure that you can't even mention the name of another female, or gets upset because a woman likes a comment on facebook, well, you can't really fix that. But you can let her go through her spin cycle all by herself until she just runs out of steam.

 

If it can't be fixed, at least there is some satisfaction in being the calm, rational person who can watch the other one throw tantrums (or dishes) and with a clear understanding of who is in control and who is the one with issues that can't be fixed.

[Els]

Man, Otter... this is the SECOND R you've had with this sort of drama in the past 6 months or something, isn't it? Or is this the same gf you posted a similar thread about a few months ago?

 

How are you selecting these women? Do you really get to know their personalities before becoming bf/gf, or does the passion/sex blind you to that? I ask this because even in the short time you've been here, your threads have demonstrated a kind of pattern. You go heavy with the sex threads for a month or two... and then it's fighting every few days.

 

To answer your question directly - you have to learn how you and they handle conflict, and both of you have to find a way that works for you. For some people that involves taking a few hours to cool down before having a rational discussion about it. For others it might involve changing how they talk about it. So on and so forth.

 

(Edit): Whoops, just read that it's the same girl. How did you resolve the issue after the last time this happened? Or have you been (god forbid) fighting every few days since then????

Edited July 30, 2015 by Elswyth

[Methodical]

I understand not wanting to remain in a stale relationship and the need for more adventure and excitement, but adventure and excitement shouldn't bring out the worst in you, nor should it cause volatile reactions.

 

She has major issues. I'm no doctor and can only comment based on the information you have supplied. From many of your past posts, your gf sounds bipolar and if she is, getting a proper diagnosis so that necessary medication can be prescribed is paramount.

 

In your shoes, I'm not sure I could have stayed the course under these circumstances. Knowing there's going to be a fight before you even get started doesn't make for a happy date/relationship. Is there any chance she would consider going to the doctor? Or is she deadset that all the problems that exist are your fault?

 

It's not normal for a person to lay in bed and cry for hours bc you mentioned a coworker does sunrise yoga. To be fair tho, you shouldn't jest her about dating someone half your age bc that does happen and saying things to that effect is perceived as a real threat.

[Popsicle]

I think maybe you two just aren't a good fit for each other.

[Otter2569]

Lots of great advise and comments - Thank you.

 

She goes to see a counselor and has anxiety meds but only likes to take them as she needs them. She has issues from a previous relationship but I have proven that I am NOT that guy.

 

Yes its the same GF from months back. We were back on track for a while but its going back to bad...IMO. Women typically have not introduced themselves to me as being crazy. Its been fun, caring, sexy, good times then as it gets more serious issues start to arise. In fairness she told be about past issues, her counselor and brushes with depression. That aside she is one of the most loving, caring thoughtful women I have ever met. The good typically far outweighs the bad. I think stress, PMS and menopause have a hand in this also.

[Otter2569]

Sal (and others), thats great advise! I need to actually take it. I am not without fault myself but genuinely feel that I try to make an effort to argue more constructively but after she invalidates my feelings a few times i shut down then eventually go bull****, grab my stuff and head for the door.

 

Ive got to be a better person and work harder at this.

 

We clearly have different fighting styles too. She can turn it on like a hail storm then want to make up. Me, I am in my shell and I am not getting over it so soon.

 

Being disrespected and putting up with drama is very difficult for me.

[salparadise]

Sal (and others), thats great advise! I need to actually take it. I am not without fault myself but genuinely feel that I try to make an effort to argue more constructively but after she invalidates my feelings a few times i shut down then eventually go bull****, grab my stuff and head for the door.

 

Ive got to be a better person and work harder at this..

 

Let her throw the tizzy all by herself. Believe me, if you refuse to engage she will be confused as hell. You will be the one in control of the situation. She will probably try repeatedly to push your buttons, and you just think to yourself, button disabled.

 

When she runs out of steam you just say how you feel with an "I" statement and assert your boundary. It's a game changer––guaranteed. It's not the be all end all of your relationship issues, but it will surely put an end to cyclical screaming and name calling crap, and force her to address things in a [hopefully] more adult way.

 

You gotta put yourself above it. It's a decision you make. You know exactly what to expect, so prepare yourself and exercise discipline. You can also walk out on the tantrum, just don't go ballistic because that that point you've given the power back to her and on goes the cycle.

 

*don't ask me how I know this works

[Otter2569]

I am feeling empowered!

 

My old ways were to get so pissed that I would leave and drive home. she said that really hurt her so i tried and for several fights went to the couch or other room but did not leave - even though i wanted too. I noticed that when I changed my behavior she seemed to say things indicating that she wanted me to leave trying to push me there. Now I just roll over and go to sleep :0

[CarrieT]

Ive got to be a better person and work harder at this.

With all due respect, a good relationship should require hard work.

 

Being disrespected and putting up with drama is very difficult for me.

This is BIG. People can have occasional disagreements within the confines of a relationship, but continual disrespect does not bode well for the building of a future together.

 

My *new* husband and I are going on our fourth year together. In those four years, we have had exactly two major disagreements - and neither of them resulted in out-and-out disrespect or even drama.

 

Life is too short for negative drama.