Making a Deal With My Crush

[Bondage301]

So it has been officially 1 year that I have been crushing on a work colleague. All of this time I have declined offers from her to buy me any food and declined offers to join her for coffee on breaks.

 

I did give her a handful of her favorite candy bars last week. She has gotten more flirty in the last month and made more of an effort to stand next to me when she didn't have to.

 

So I am thinking of making a deal with her. The next time she offers to buy me a cheeseburger I could tell her that I will accept her offer only if she will go out on a date with me.

 

After-all I don't see the point in accepting any favors from her if she is not interested in me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm not sure these are "favors" but rather her (albeit) lame attempt at letting you know she's into you too.

 

Why have you gone a full year declining offers to have coffee with your CRUSH?!

 

I say ditch the game playing and just ask her out already. No need to strike a deal. The deal is done.

[Bondage301]

I'm not sure these are "favors" but rather her (albeit) lame attempt at letting you know she's into you too.

 

Why have you gone a full year declining offers to have coffee with your CRUSH?!

 

I say ditch the game playing and just ask her out already. No need to strike a deal. The deal is done.

 

Because I wasn't comfortable with exclusive activities with her. I want to go on a date but I don't want us to be alone. I want the entire work crew to join us and see how it goes.

 

She offered half a candy bar a few weeks ago and it was a knee jerk reaction to say no thank you.

[JADIE]

Because I wasn't comfortable with exclusive activities with her. I want to go on a date but I don't want us to be alone. I want the entire work crew to join us and see how it goes.

 

The entire work crew? WTH...that's not a date, that's a group activity. The whole idea of dating is to find an individual with whom to form a relationship. As a woman, I'd see that as a very weak dating attempt and would interpret it as you not being interested in me other than as a workplace acquaintance. If I were a guy, I'd never want my colleagues around to witness the fallout if I fail miserably at trying to impress my non-date date!

 

Grow a pair and man up. Ask her out on a real one-on-one date.

[Bondage301]

The entire work crew? WTH...that's not a date, that's a group activity. The whole idea of dating is to find an individual with whom to form a relationship. As a woman, I'd see that as a very weak dating attempt and would interpret it as you not being interested in me other than as a workplace acquaintance. If I were a guy, I'd never want my colleagues around to witness the fallout if I fail miserably at trying to impress my non-date date!

 

Grow a pair and man up. Ask her out on a real one-on-one date.

 

Well forget it. A real date is never going to happen with her and I.

[Gloria25]

Well forget it. A real date is never going to happen with her and I.

 

Then good...stop with the gestures and all that. Please, stop.

 

Please tell us that this is it...that you will leave this woman alone, please..

 

That you won't think about her anymore. You will stop with the gestures, the staring, the crushing.

 

Just please promise that this is finally "it". Please...

[Bondage301]

The entire work crew? WTH...that's not a date, that's a group activity. The whole idea of dating is to find an individual with whom to form a relationship. As a woman, I'd see that as a very weak dating attempt and would interpret it as you not being interested in me other than as a workplace acquaintance. If I were a guy, I'd never want my colleagues around to witness the fallout if I fail miserably at trying to impress my non-date date!

 

Grow a pair and man up. Ask her out on a real one-on-one date.

 

Then good...stop with the gestures and all that. Please, stop.

 

Please tell us that this is it...that you will leave this woman alone, please..

 

That you won't think about her anymore. You will stop with the gestures, the staring, the crushing.

 

Just please promise that this is finally "it". Please...

 

I can't promise that. I can't get her out of my mind. That's the deal. I will accept her favors or offers for food only if she goes out with me with certain boundaries respected.

[Gloria25]

I can't promise that. I can't get her out of my mind. That's the deal. I will accept her favors or offers for food only if she goes out with me with certain boundaries respected.

 

Well, then tell her that...

 

If she cares about you, she will consider and respect your boundaries...But she isn't a mind reader...we humans have to communicate to each other

 

So, communicate to her your expectations

[Bondage301]

Well, then tell her that...

 

If she cares about you, she will consider and respect your boundaries...But she isn't a mind reader...we humans have to communicate to each other

 

So, communicate to her your expectations

 

So far I don't get the sense that you or anyone else really cares about my comfort level on a date. The only advice I am being given is to either ask her out or move on. I'm not ready to do either of those. I'm not comfortable with exclusive interactions with her yet. Well like it or not the man's comfort level is just as important as the woman's. The standard advice doesn't address my comfort level.

[Gloria25]

So far I don't get the sense that you or anyone else really cares about my comfort level on a date. The only advice I am being given is to either ask her out or move on. I'm not ready to do either of those. I'm not comfortable with exclusive interactions with her yet. Well like it or not the man's comfort level is just as important as the woman's. The standard advice doesn't address my comfort level.

 

Dude, I responded to your statement that like 'the only way you would go out with her if she respected your boundaries'. So, I recommend you "communicate" your boundaries to her, and "then" see if you're still cool about asking her out.

 

I mean, does she even know what your boundaries are? Shoot, is she violating them as we speak?

 

No one is pressuring you into anything my dear, but seems like you have a comfort level and way you prefer to date that she and probably many others are not aware of - and that's cool....But, to sit back and make decisions about someone when you're holding them to a standard they are not even aware of? Oook...

 

But Gloria25 gives up **throwing hands up in air**

 

Hugs and kisses and wishing you the best on what you decide...

[d0nnivain]

If you aren't comfortable enough to ask her out on a 1 on 1 date, you don't have to do that. However, you do need to stop buying her candy & you can't expect her to think that a group activity with everybody from work is a date. Even if you tried to pay for her while on this group excursion that would actually be more awkward & make things 100x worse then a plain date.

 

You draw your social boundaries in very different places than most people & that's OK because you have to be true to yourself but understand because they are so unusual you make others uncomfortable which actually draws negative attention to you.

 

Also I have heard this tale of woe before under a different screen name.

[Michelle ma Belle]

OP, how old are you?

 

Granted, men are entitled to respect when to comes to their level of comfort in dating. I don't think anyone would disagree with that.

 

BUT if you're going to go to the trouble of creating a thread telling us about your thoughts on striking up a "deal" with your longtime crush then you should expect to get all sorts of feedback from people trying to give you an honest perspective on things.

 

Just because you don't like the responses doesn't make them wrong.

 

What was the purpose of creating this thread in the first place?

Edited July 29, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[danmillar]

So it has been officially 1 year that I have been crushing on a work colleague. All of this time I have declined offers from her to buy me any food and declined offers to join her for coffee on breaks.

 

I did give her a handful of her favorite candy bars last week. She has gotten more flirty in the last month and made more of an effort to stand next to me when she didn't have to.

 

So I am thinking of making a deal with her. The next time she offers to buy me a cheeseburger I could tell her that I will accept her offer only if she will go out on a date with me.

 

After-all I don't see the point in accepting any favors from her if she is not interested in me.

 

Dude, TAKE THE CHEESEBURGER. You've got nothing to lose.

 

Accept any and all favors from her. Especially the cheeseburger/s.

[Plane22]

If you aren't comfortable enough to ask her out on a 1 on 1 date, you don't have to do that. However, you do need to stop buying her candy & you can't expect her to think that a group activity with everybody from work is a date. Even if you tried to pay for her while on this group excursion that would actually be more awkward & make things 100x worse then a plain date.

 

You draw your social boundaries in very different places than most people & that's OK because you have to be true to yourself but understand because they are so unusual you make others uncomfortable which actually draws negative attention to you.

 

Also I have heard this tale of woe before under a different screen name.

 

If I need to stop giving her candy then she needs to stop offering to buy me cheeseburgers and stop offering favors like car rides back to work from the gas station when it is only a 5 minute walk. She needs to stop offering me half a candy bar like she did 3 weeks ago.

 

If it is okay for her to be doing these things then why isn't it ok for me to give her some of her favorite candy? Sounds like a double standard. In the last month she has taken it upon herself to do an assignment for me when she could have used that time for herself. So why would it not be okay under these circumstances to give her candy?

 

I think that the deal I am proposing is reasonable. She wants to buy me a cheeseburger or give me half a candy bar then go out on a date with me. It is a reasonable exchange.

 

Because I feel like I am being led on when a woman I like wants to do nice things for me when we have not even gone out on a date.

[Gloria25]

Dude, TAKE THE CHEESEBURGER. You've got nothing to lose.

 

Accept any and all favors from her. Especially the cheeseburger/s.

 

Depends, are the cheeseburgers from Five Guys or McD's?

 

Some cheeseburgers are nasty and cheap...if his crush is getting them from the gas station near their job, I probably would decline.

 

Man, I remember joining the army and the hamburgers at the MEPS

[Plane22]

Depends, are the cheeseburgers from Five Guys or McD's?

 

Some cheeseburgers are nasty and cheap...if his crush is getting them from the gas station near their job, I probably would decline.

 

Man, I remember joining the army and the hamburgers at the MEPS

 

Doesn't make any difference whether she buys one from five guys or anywhere else. I'd come up with an excuse and say I ate alot of food an hour ago and have no room for anything else.

[d0nnivain]

If I need to stop giving her candy then she needs to stop offering to buy me cheeseburgers and stop offering favors like car rides back to work from the gas station when it is only a 5 minute walk. She needs to stop offering me half a candy bar like she did 3 weeks ago.

 

If it is okay for her to be doing these things then why isn't it ok for me to give her some of her favorite candy? Sounds like a double standard. In the last month she has taken it upon herself to do an assignment for me when she could have used that time for herself. So why would it not be okay under these circumstances to give her candy?

 

I think that the deal I am proposing is reasonable. She wants to buy me a cheeseburger or give me half a candy bar then go out on a date with me. It is a reasonable exchange.

 

Because I feel like I am being led on when a woman I like wants to do nice things for me when we have not even gone out on a date.

 

First why did you change your screen name in the middle of this.

 

I have no problem with the mutual exchange of favors, cheeseburgers & candy. What I have a problem with is the group date thing. If you playfully say you will accept the cheeseburger from her if she lets you take her on a date 1 on 1 fine.

 

Her gestures I see as friendly. Yours, because you shared your motive -- keeping her interested while you dither about what to do -- makes your actions seem more suspect. If you were just giving her candy with no ulterior motive especially because under another name you said you give her favorite candy to everybody in the office it's not a problem.

 

But you are in this weird no man's land. You like her. You do nice things for her but won't accept nice gestures back. You won't tell her you like her. You are too afraid to date her. The combo makes you sound socially awkward at best. I'm simply trying to encourage you to behave in a more socially conventional manner.

[Plane22]

OP, how old are you?

 

Granted, men are entitled to respect when to comes to their level of comfort in dating. I don't think anyone would disagree with that.

 

BUT if you're going to go to the trouble of creating a thread telling us about your thoughts on striking up a "deal" with your longtime crush then you should expect to get all sorts of feedback from people trying to give you an honest perspective on things.

 

Just because you don't like the responses doesn't make them wrong.

 

What was the purpose of creating this thread in the first place?

 

Well that's where you are dead wrong. Many would not respect a man's comfort level in dating. For example what if I told you that I don't feel comfortable kissing or making out until I have gotten a few months of dating time in with her? Those are the boundaries I am comfortable with. No kissing and no touching.

 

Speaking of which my crush actually touched my arm for the first time 1 week ago. The touch barrier has finally been broken by her initiation. It was not an accidental touch either.

[Gloria25]

Dude, TAKE THE CHEESEBURGER. You've got nothing to lose.

 

Accept any and all favors from her. Especially the cheeseburger/s.

 

Because I feel like I am being led on when a woman I like wants to do nice things for me when we have not even gone out on a date.

 

Dude, I get ya, man or woman, if someone is showering you with favors and/or gifts and they aren't even dating you, that can come off as smothering and/or creepy...

 

But based on what you posted, I don't see her being smothering and/or creepy. Coworkers share stuff. I, at each job, have candy jars and/or bring food. I also have coworkers who share snacks with me. Are we interested in each other romantically? Nope

 

Also, ever consider she's simply trying to break the ice with you? Geesh. She probably notices you sneaking glances and simply is/was looking for a way to open up a convo/break the ice...

 

Relax, breathe...she's not out to "getcha"

[d0nnivain]

Well that's where you are dead wrong. Many would not respect a man's comfort level in dating. For example what if I told you that I don't feel comfortable kissing or making out until I have gotten a few months of dating time in with her? Those are the boundaries I am comfortable with. No kissing and no touching. .

 

Again while you do need to be comfortable with yourself, these are some pretty tough boundaries. I wouldn't date a man who wouldn't hold my hand or kiss me.

 

In fact the man who is now my husband hadn't kissed me by our 3rd date. He hugged me good-bye on our 1st 2 dates. If he hadn't kissed me that night I would have dumped him & never looked back. Physical expression of love is important to many people.

[Gloria25]

Well that's where you are dead wrong. Many would not respect a man's comfort level in dating. For example what if I told you that I don't feel comfortable kissing or making out until I have gotten a few months of dating time in with her? Those are the boundaries I am comfortable with. No kissing and no touching.

 

Speaking of which my crush actually touched my arm for the first time 1 week ago. The touch barrier has finally been broken by her initiation. It was not an accidental touch either.

 

Oh snap!!!

 

No she didn't!!! She broke Rule No.1 - "No touching"

 

Time to call the lovecops...looks like we got a serial seductress here.

 

Dude, joking aside (I hope you got a laugh, don't be so serious) were you offended by her touch? If you were, w/o you expressing your boundaries, how would she know she made you uncomfortable.

 

I used to put my hand on shoulders of people until one day a guy I was not even interested in got upset. I also gave out a hug or two at work w/o incident...But years ago I briefly worked with a "fake" woman who just hugged everyone and I found her to be offensive cuz she was so fake and didn't care if people have boundaries. I mean, I didn't know her from Adam and she just is gonna touch me like that!?!

[Divasu]

So I am thinking of making a deal with her. The next time she offers to buy me a cheeseburger I could tell her that I will accept her offer only if she will go out on a date with me.

 

I think that is a lovely gesture. Except, you could say instead of her getting you a cheeseburger, you both can go out and get one together and share it.