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sleep talking GF... the truth at last?


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So I've always had suspicions that my GF hasn't exactly been honest about her past. We've been doing really good in the relationship, and I've been trying really hard to believe that what she tells me (or doesn't tell me) is the truth... but I've always had a gut feeling that she has some major skeletons in the closet.

 

Lately I've noticed that sometimes she has episodes where she talks in her sleep. And not just a couple garbled words, but hours of non-stop talking. Last night she was saying stuff about her "passwords" (phone/facebook?) and saying things like "there are things about me you will never know". We had an argument yesterday at the our couples therapy about trust and honesty, and it seemed to really put her in a bad mood all night. Her sleep talking was clearly related to our argument during the day. I was tired and sleeping most of the time she was talking, but I did catch a few phrases that seemed to suggest that she has been hiding some things about her past. I didn't get any specific details, but I have a feeling in the future I could stay awake and listen, perhaps even prompt her to reveal things, or use a 'sleep talking app' or something similar to decipher her nocturnal confessions.

 

What are the general thoughts on this? I realize it's a bit of an invasion, but at this point I would willingly commit that small trespass if it means I can finally get some answers about her life. Would the information I get from her while sleeping even be reliable? One night I remember her saying something in her sleep like "I just spent all night hooking for a 100 bucks a piece"...

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To what purpose?

She is a girl with a past that includes sexual abuse and rape, she has been promiscuous and she has even been an escort, she has been in many abusive relationships too. She has many mental health problems and is in therapy.

What is it about her past you want to find out?

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I just want to know if she's been lying or hiding things about her past. Ive caught Her in lies before, especially about her sexual history. Now she's promised to tell me everything and never lie or hide anything from me. I'm wondering if she is finally being honest or if she's still hiding things from me

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What Elaine said. In spades.

 

Also, I am someone who talks in my sleep and what happens in one's sleep rarely reflects reality! The dream state is altered and while it may reflect aspects of reality, it twisted and distorted so you can't take ANYTHING from someone talking in their sleep as truth.

 

Heck, my drivels last night involved writing an opera libretto based on the movie Hunt For Red October. Should my husband be concerned that I'm going to give up all of my daily efforts to become an opera composer!?!?! :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

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I just want to know if she's been lying or hiding things about her past.

You KNOW she is hiding things about her past.

 

Now she's promised to tell me everything and never lie or hide anything from me.

Oh, puleeze. You will never know everything. You can't. It is not possible.

 

I'm wondering if she is finally being honest or if she's still hiding things from me

She will hide things. Not because it is deliberate, but because it is IMPOSSIBLE to fully share our pasts with others. Sure they might be able to tell you about names, dates, or places, but nuances of feelings, emotions, or minutiae may not be fully recalled and those little aspects can change our historical memory of what actually occurred.

 

More Importantly: Why are you still dwelling on this?

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Because last night the things she was saying really made me suspicious. I have pretty much let go of worrying about whether or notshe's been lying to me and hiding things, but the stuff she was saying last night in her sleep made it really seem like she's got some major skeletons in the closet. And I'm just sick of all the secrecy

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In addition to what every one else has written thus far, there's something beyond-a-little-creepy with someone staying up all night to hear what I might say in my sleep and/or using some sort of psychological tools/apps on me to figure out what they want to hear, especially when they're NOT a trained professional in the field.

 

I mean, you wouldn't hypnotize her and take her under and get to all of her deep-down stuff...which may be deep-down for a reason. Are you trained to deal with the aftermath of what any repressed memories (repressed for a reason) MAY bring into her real world, once you disturb them?

 

 

 

On an aside, I dream all the time that I'm flying...I'd hate for some amateur bed-sharing psychologist to decide to throw me off a building to see if I can actually do it, in real life. As CarrieT mentioned, what happens in the sleep world may or may not have a danged thing to do with reality.

 

I hope you get over your neuroses while trying to *help* her get over hers, OP...

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I'm just so tired of being in a relationship with someone who intentionally hides things. I've always been a really trusting person but this woman has consistently hidden and obscured so much about her life I'm just sick and tired of the secrets. And I don't think she will ever come forward with the truth on her own

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Don't underestimate the hurt caused by lying to your partner. It keeps me awake much more than her talking in her sleep

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Because last night the things she was saying really made me suspicious. I have pretty much let go of worrying about whether or notshe's been lying to me and hiding things, but the stuff she was saying last night in her sleep made it really seem like she's got some major skeletons in the closet. And I'm just sick of all the secrecy

 

On no you have a fresh issue with this girl. Is she really worth all the angst....I guess she is. You know a fair bit about her wild past, so I'm not sure what more there can be. From reading your stories in the past for me I would assume she worked as an escort more then she claimed and proceed with that assumption. I'm not sure what more skeletons you may think there is compared to what you already know of her past.

 

I don't think listening to your partners sleep talk is an invasion of privacy, since she's sleeping right next to you in bed and waking you up with her chatter. I got to admit if I heard my gf muttering strange things in her sleep it would get my mind ticking over and I'd be curious too. It might be meaningless dream garbage or it might be her private daytime worries coming out subconsciously. I'd keep listening but chances are it will only half make sense and she'll just say it was some stupid dream if you confront her.

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Right. It's generally just been garbled dream nonsense, but last night The stuff she was talking about sounded like a confession from her subconscious

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I'm just so tired of being in a relationship with someone who intentionally hides things. I've always been a really trusting person but this woman has consistently hidden and obscured so much about her life I'm just sick and tired of the secrets. And I don't think she will ever come forward with the truth on her own

 

Then why don't you just break up with her?

 

A. You are tired of being in a relationship with someone who hides things.

B. She is hiding things.

C. Ergo, you should just move merrily on your way....

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I'm just so tired of being in a relationship with someone who intentionally hides things. I've always been a really trusting person but this woman has consistently hidden and obscured so much about her life I'm just sick and tired of the secrets. And I don't think she will ever come forward with the truth on her own

 

Then maybe you should leave...

 

I couldn't fathom being in a RL where I was always suspicious of my SO. The guy who left me for the town ho? After he claims he "almost" cheated with some skank ho (then said she only gave him oral), I tried to forgive him and move on, but began to get paranoid and while I believe he cheated again, I could never find concrete proof.

 

Move on, this is no way to live...

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DrReplyInRhymes

Be careful what you choose to believe, especially from someone talking in their sleep,

Dreams are a grey area between fantasy and reality, and sometimes come from somewhere deep,

You're quick to believe her sleep talk when it sounds like a "confession" to an issue you had,

Yet, would you believe her sleep talk if it were about sea horses and tooth fairies gone bad?

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I'm just so tired of being in a relationship with someone who intentionally hides things. I've always been a really trusting person but this woman has consistently hidden and obscured so much about her life I'm just sick and tired of the secrets. And I don't think she will ever come forward with the truth on her own

 

If you are that tired, LEAVE. From day one you have badgered and berated this woman. You said you have know her for a long time, and only recently got together (recent in the sense of how long you've known her when compared to the length of time you have dated her.) And no, she will NEVER be totally transparent with you bc when she reveal some of her past, you freaked out and went on a tirade. Nothing about your behavior would have persuaded her to open up more after your vehement reaction. You are fixated on proving this woman is a sexual deviant who is lying to you.

 

As far as dreams and talking while sleeping, I have had dreams where I had sex with a person, PIV SEX, and in real life there is NO WAY IN HELL I'd have sex with them. Not bc they are horrible, but bc I'm not attracted to them, at all. So why did I dream this?? IDK. I've also dreamed I've killed a person. As much as I can't stand this particular individual, I would never set out to actually murder them. I could go on and on about some of the wierd, off the wall sh*t I've dreamed about. Dream scenarios and REAL LIFE scenarios are TOTALLY SEPARATE STATES OF BEING.

 

You have major issues and I hope you are seeking counseling for your insecurities along with your couples therapy.

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autumnnight

Hmmm...last night my youngest said I screamed in my sleep: I will kill you just like I killed all the others who tried to take my baby!

 

Maybe I should turn myself in to the police.....

 

Let it go, dude. Or let her go.

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understand50

Dude,

 

A big rule for a long happy marriage.

 

What ever comes out during sleep talking stays in the night. It is really not fair to call someone on what they dream. You cannot "own" everything. Let her have her dreams with out you interfering with them.

 

As you have big trust issues, I think you are headed for a break up, as I do not know why she would put up with you. I am all for knowing a spouse's past sexually history, when and only when, it impacts the present relationship. I urge you to honestly ask yourself if this is the case.

 

Wish you well, hope this work out for you both.

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Hmmm...last night my youngest said I screamed in my sleep: I will kill you just like I killed all the others who tried to take my baby!

 

Maybe I should turn myself in to the police.....

 

Let it go, dude. Or let her go.

 

I dreamt I killed a lion. Rooooaaaarrr!

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Memory is not foolproof, you cannot quiz someone on their memories and then pull them up when they get it "wrong".

Memory is not a video tape that we can replay at will, our brain does not work like that.

Monitoring her when she is asleep, to find out the TRUTH is ridiculous.

 

Her past is her past, it doesn't sound a great past. I am sure a lot of it she doesn't want to remember anyway.

And I am sure she is hiding painful stuff, changing stories that show her up in a bad light, forgetting stuff and assuming it must have been like this or that.

These are all tricks all our brains play with our past.

We think we remember things exactly as they were, all we need to do is replay that video tape in our brain - but we don't in reality remember them correctly.

We put our own spin on them, we make up bits, we reason, we rationalise.

 

So why are YOU determined to keep bringing up her past and hitting her with a metaphorical stick, when YOU think she is lying?

 

For God's sake leave the woman alone, this obsession YOU have with her past is unhealthy and nigh on creepy.

Accept her past is full of gory details, move on, learn to accept her for who she is today, or split and never look back.

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I guess I just feel like I deserve to know the truth about the person I'm involved with. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I realize the past is the past... But wouldn't you want to know the truth about your partners life?

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OP, you keep asking the same question over-and-over. You already have a very lengthy thread about your issues with your GF's past.

 

The answers are the same so why are you asking again?

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I think most of us here know more about your gfs past, than we know about our own SO's past.

So no, I do not think you need to know one more thing about her past.

Her sexual history has been thrown around and around this forum for months.

Let it go.

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autumnnight
I will let it go the day she finally tells me the truth

 

Are you still with her out of stubbornness to "win" this? Please don't respond that you love her. You don't. You might desire her and want someone in your life, but love doesn't act like this.

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I guess I just feel like I deserve to know the truth about the person I'm involved with. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I realize the past is the past... But wouldn't you want to know the truth about your partners life?

 

 

OK.

 

So how does tapping into her dream world with an app that *translates* her sleep-talking accomplish letting YOU know the *real* truth about HER past?

 

Reads *like* you're simply interested in gathering more evidence - real or imagined - to continue to browbeat her into submission with what an awful human being she is and how morally superior and better than her you truly are.

 

 

Good luck with that, OP...

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