For the guys/men who don't want to get married

[sandylee1]

To all those guys who don't want to get married and rather cohabit, because in the event of a divorce you'd loose half your assets, would you still feel the same if your SO came into some money?

 

Would you still be happy to cohabit and not get married, knowing she had a lot more money than you?

 

Would you propose? Or remain cohabiting?

 

 

I ask because some years ago, I knew a girl in the community who'd been seeing her BF for a few years. They weren't engaged, but the topic of marriage had definitely come up and she was waiting for him to pop the question.

 

She got lucky on the lottery and all of a sudden, he wants to get married pretty quickly. Until her dad said. .....hang on a minute....let's not rush getting married just yet and let's think about this.

 

Her dad felt, this guy was suddenly very keen to get married, having dragged his feet and not committee before now. He made sure she kept a large part of the money aside, in her own account.

[ltjg45]

It does concern me in your example how the guy all of the sudden wants to marry her the moment she finally gets money to her name. I certainly hope he rejected his sudden proposal and I am glad her dad butted in when he heard about it. It shows he is mainly attracted to her money and not her.

 

As for me, it does help because I would have less to lose if things goes south and it leads to a impeding divorce.

 

But that is based off of common sense and logic. As anyone who pays attention to how divorces goes, it typically never go down that way, especially if kids is involved.

 

So while it does help, it really doesn't make a huge difference. I would have the same opinion, for the most part, as I did before she got her money. It really comes down to how badly she wants to get married at that point. I would be open to both options.

[stillafool]

The guy wants the money. Yeah its bad but if it were a woman it would be the same case.

[alphamale]

i wouldn't be romantically entangled with a girl who had more $$$ than me...

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I'm not a lawyer, but doesn't common law marriage apply in most states now?

 

 

[sandylee1]

i wouldn't be romantically entangled with a girl who had more $$$ than me...

 

So if you were already involved with her and she came into money you'd dump her?

 

What's your reason for saying this?

 

 

One of my brothers said pretty much what you said. He said when women have more money than a man in the relationship, they get too cheeky and start talking down to the man. He gave a couple of examples from some people he knows.

[sandylee1]

I'm not a lawyer, but doesn't common law marriage apply in most states now?

 

 

 

Not sure, but it's money acquired prior to the marriage, so I'm not sure it would be seen as a marital assets, as long as you can clearly prove it.

 

This was also in the UK and I'm not sure common law really means all that much unless you put measures in place to make it mean more. Like a will or other documents.

 

My friend's fiancé died and they lived together and had a house , but she wasn't the NOK, so his parents got his assets.

 

They did get married and I'm pretty sure they would have done anyway, but she didn't put all the money into the marriage. Her dad said it was good to have her own money and got her to make some investments that were hers alone.

[central]

There is still a bias in favor of women in divorce, even if they have their own assets and comparable or higher income. It lessens the risks if she has her own money, but does not eliminate them. Even when an asset is acquired before marriage, in equitable distribution states, the judge can tap those assets if they feel it is appropriate to balance things - whether they need balancing or not. A prenup helps prevent this, but is not a guarantee, either. Some states still award lifetime alimony, even when not deserved or needed.

[jay1983]

Why should I be entitled to her money? I didn't earn it.

[jay1983]

So if you were already involved with her and she came into money you'd dump her?

 

What's your reason for saying this?

 

 

One of my brothers said pretty much what you said. He said when women have more money than a man in the relationship, they get too cheeky and start talking down to the man. He gave a couple of examples from some people he knows.

 

I've never seen that happen, but not too many women are looking to date someone who makes less than they do and if they do, it's only a little less money.

[Robert Z]

One of my brothers said pretty much what you said. He said when women have more money than a man in the relationship, they get too cheeky and start talking down to the man. He gave a couple of examples from some people he knows.

 

 

True! I've known a couple of men who did the Mr. Mom thing and ended up regretting it. Their wives became highly abusive, controlling, and disrespectful... and resentful.

 

But then so did mine!

[stillafool]

There is still a bias in favor of women in divorce, even if they have their own assets and comparable or higher income. It lessens the risks if she has her own money, but does not eliminate them. Even when an asset is acquired before marriage, in equitable distribution states, the judge can tap those assets if they feel it is appropriate to balance things - whether they need balancing or not. A prenup helps prevent this, but is not a guarantee, either. Some states still award lifetime alimony, even when not deserved or needed.

 

Why is this? It's awful.

[alphamale]

So if you were already involved with her and she came into money you'd dump her?

 

What's your reason for saying this?

yes i'd dump her, my reason is i don't like women who have more money than me.

 

 

One of my brothers said pretty much what you said. He said when women have more money than a man in the relationship, they get too cheeky and start talking down to the man. He gave a couple of examples from some people he knows.

 

smart man

[ManyDissapoint]

Hilarious about the lottery thing.

 

But seriously, don't get married folks.

[candie13]

I think that indeed, no man should date or marry a woman that's more successful than he is, unless he's 200% comfortable with it.

 

Thing is. I can see it in my parents' marriage... things change soooo quickly so fast. One day the guy is the breadwinner the successful man, the next his company gets bought and he's out of a job. And really good jobs are hard to find in small cities... he'd better have a back up plan or better have a really good relationship with his wife, because that's a real test in marriage.

 

Bottom line: absolutely go for someone whose socioeconomic standard is making one comfortable - underneath yours or above yours, whatever. Just be prepared for things to happen. Life never ever treated anyone gently.

 

Key point: it's not the money or the career but the relationship the 2 have that'll will feed those 2, going forward. If one uses money and power to psychologically have the upper hand... then in 5 to 10 years, things will get absolutely funny in that RS.

[candie13]

To all those guys who don't want to get married and rather cohabit, because in the event of a divorce you'd loose half your assets, would you still feel the same if your SO came into some money?

 

Would you still be happy to cohabit and not get married, knowing she had a lot more money than you?

 

Would you propose? Or remain cohabiting?

 

 

I ask because some years ago, I knew a girl in the community who'd been seeing her BF for a few years. They weren't engaged, but the topic of marriage had definitely come up and she was waiting for him to pop the question.

 

She got lucky on the lottery and all of a sudden, he wants to get married pretty quickly. Until her dad said. .....hang on a minute....let's not rush getting married just yet and let's think about this.

 

Her dad felt, this guy was suddenly very keen to get married, having dragged his feet and not committee before now. He made sure she kept a large part of the money aside, in her own account.

 

strictly statistically speaking, most people who win the lottery would end up broke in the next 2 to 3 years, burning all that cash away. It's a huge change, lots of people don't know how to manage that and flush that money in expensive cars and houses etc.

 

I hope your friend got married the next year . Fast!!! I can almost imagine the look on that guy's face when he discovers that there are no more coins in the piggy bag !

[lollipopspot]

There is still a bias in favor of women in divorce, even if they have their own assets and comparable or higher income.

 

This just isn't true. The law is not written for gender (that would be illegal), it is written for role within the family. What do you think happens when lesbians or gay men divorce?

 

yes i'd dump her, my reason is i don't like women who have more money than me.

 

I can't really understand this. I suppose if you met the woman of your dreams (if you're single) and she had more money than you did, you might change your mind though.

[candie13]

reading a book about male psychology. Usually men who say that they don't want to get married because they may lose their dough generally have little to no cash ... the author's advice is to run away from those men... FAST . Seems fair to me.

 

In the end, cash is nothing but post rationalizing the choice they had made first. I believe that what makes 2 people truly compatible is sharing the same value system, amongst others. Marriage is one of those things on the value list, therefore incompatibility on the view of that specific item usually displays higher incompatibility on other deeper issues.

 

I'm especially promarriage if children are involved. I find it soooo funny to hear men moan about alimony when generally speaking it doesn't cover half the costs of keeping a preteen in a decent school and preparing him/her for college. Higher education is insanely expensive and no divorce will make a man pay half of those tuition costs. Who'll bare them, the child ? Basically, to me, personally, a man looking at his wallet exclusively when deciding to not get married will also make a crappy unreliable parent, no matter how much they love that child and want to get involved. Rent, college, professors, books, trips abroad are paid with cash, not good intentions... Money has to do with sharing, altruism... Men selfish with their wives ... won't they be selfish with their wife's children?

 

in the end, it's an attitude issue. Irrelevant why a guy says no to marriage, me, as a woman who wants children and stability, I simply say "have a good day" and run in the opposite direction. Keeps everyone happy. Irrelevant of who has more money, the better job, etc. A partner with money mean nothing if they're not spending that cash on you/relationship/for the couple. Decision on how to spend the money and raise the children are the most common when it comes to fighting. No time to spend convincing anyone or getting into a rocky RS.

Edited July 28, 2015 by candie13

[sandylee1]

yes i'd dump her, my reason is i don't like women who have more money than me.

 

 

 

 

 

Is it because you feel money is power?

 

I feel that men liketo have the upper hand in relationships and if a woman earns more than them they feel insecure.

 

An example, a friends husband lost his job and he was talking about planning a holiday . Then she says, we have to see if it's in the budget. Then he got annoyed saying in all the years he'd been working and earning a lot, he never said that to her even when she wasn't working. He said " this is how you women behave"

 

I didn't see anything wrong with it, but the male ego is quire something.

 

My BIL said that if a woman can afford to buy everything she wants herself, it would make him feel useless. He said he would always have to be physically stronger and earn more than any woman he was with, but I'm sure if my sister won the lottery he wouldn't be going anywhere.

 

I could handle earning more than my H quite easily. He says he could as well, but I'm not fully convinced.

[2.50 a gallon]

After the break up of my marriage I swore that I would never fall in love and remarry. About 10 years later I hooked up with a gal who was a good 15 years younger than me. We pretty much had it all, she was mensa intelligent, with degrees in Chemistry, Microbiology, and Computer Science her favorite magazine was American Scientific. Both of us had this great fascination with the world. She could explain in layman's terms the latest findings in Astronomy, Particle physics, etc. and I could share with my understanding in paleontology, early man, and history in general. We could spend the whole rainy weekend, making homemade pasta and just talking. We had so much in common it was almost scary. And yes she fell in love with me and wanted me to be the father of her kids.

Big problem, at age 30 she was already a millionaire several times over. And that was small potatoes compared to her dad, who had in the hundreds of millions. He thought nothing of picking up a luncheon check for 50 grand or more.

I still wanted kids, so there was some thought of letting my feeling flow.

She was forever offering me all expenses paid trips, to the Bahamas, Hawaii, Mexico to see the ruins, which I always turned down.

The problem was the money, too much power in her family's hand. Should we marry and have kids, what chance would I have to see the kids

In the end she offered a 2 week trip to Tahiti, to scuba dive, and included scuba lessons. Something I longed to do. It scared me so bad, I packed up my things and moved a thousand miles away, back to my home town.

Where I met and fell in love, still won't marry, a gal just as broke as I was.

[alphamale]

I can't really understand this. I suppose if you met the woman of your dreams (if you're single) and she had more money than you did, you might change your mind though.

the woman of my dreams wouldn't have more money than me

[Got it]

I make more than my husband especially after his alimony and child support. It has never been an issue. While he makes excellent money, he is in the top 5%, he is more than pleased with my income and would love to be a stay at home father. I am fine with that and fine with any alimony/child support I would be required to pay if we unfortunately divorced. I understand the major hit to one's career trajectory when they step out of the workforce and know the significant impact even two years can have on earning potential. So having a spouse willing to do that requires the other spouse to be willing to make up for it either while in the marriage or outside of it.

 

And permanent alimony is falling to the wayside. While the following states still have it on the books, New Jersey tends to be the most liberal with it. Virginia it is very difficult to get it.

 

Michigan

New Hampshire

Oregon

Virginia

Washington

New Jersey

[Got it]

Wow I pity some of the men on this thread. Jeez, it really can be quite liberating not allowing others, especially a comparison to your wife, to dictate your self worth.

 

Also, so women know, there are MANY men out there that have no issues with the level of equality and have zero problem with their wive's being the higher earners. I live in an area that it isn't uncommon and can say it hasn't been brought up as an issue with my circle. No one looks down on the men either for it.

 

In fact, one is a cop. A very worthy job. But one that pays next to nothing. His wife earns more because white collar tends to. He is still applauded for his work and the long hours he puts in. And the paycheck doesn't define their relationship.

[alphamale]

Wow I pity some of the men on this thread. Jeez, it really can be quite liberating not allowing others, especially a comparison to your wife, to dictate your self worth.

[Got it]

The women's movement was about (1) the destruction of the patriarchy, (2) the sexual liberation of women and (3) freeing women from the slavery of marriage. Why is it OK and liberating for women to want to have their own careers, not be "home makers" and not be dependent on men but deemed as insecure when men feel this way? Do you pity women that see financial dependence on men as a negative as well?

 

Where have I said anything about men needing to be seen as insecure? Actually I stated just the opposite.

 

And I didn't say I pitied men who are financially dependent. I pitied some of the male posters on the thread for their views of it. That I pity.

 

I do greatly caution women to not be financially dependent and most of what I wrote was written for women since they tend to be on the receiving end. Child rearing tends to still fall predominantly on women and their careers and opportunities are impacted because of it. I don't think people have actually researched how much it can impact one's earnings when the couple are making the decision. Both parties need to really understand what they are getting into and what it may mean on the back end. It is foolish to not consider the legal and financial ramifications until one is sitting in a divorce attorney's office.