FriendZoning Women?

[danmillar]

What is the best way of doing this?

 

There are a couple of groups of girls, who I think are great, fun to hang out with, but I'm not strongly interested in them for anything beyond that.

 

It's causing a bit of tension because these girls are single, they know I'm single, but I'm not making a strong move to date any of them.

 

They do however, see me approaching women and see women approaching me as well.

 

I'm not even sure if I can call some of these girls friends anymore. Some of them are barely talking to me now.

 

Can I keep these girls as friends?

[MidwestUSA]

Why would you want to keep "friends" who are barely talking to you?

 

Why aren't they talking to you? If you've made no moves on them, they should know where they stand. No need to label them as friend zoned. If they can't take what they're seeing, then no, don't keep them as friends. Just fade.

[carhill]

What is the best way of doing this?

 

While definitions of the word vary, mine usually includes deception to hoover attention under the guise of potential romance, e.g. 'leading them on', while clearly having no thoughts or feelings consistent with romance, and viewing them only as a 'friend', so the answer would be contained in the description. Myself, I 'befriend' women through platonic shared interests and platonic actions of friendship.

There are a couple of groups of girls, who I think are great, fun to hang out with, but I'm not strongly interested in them for anything beyond that.

 

Great, continue that. Be clear it's about hanging out and sharing interests together.

 

It's causing a bit of tension because these girls are single, they know I'm single, but I'm not making a strong move to date any of them.

 

View it the same as women who note a bit of tension in yourself but continue on platonically since they have no romantic interest in you. Consider platonic behaviors as the setpoint.

They do however, see me approaching women and see women approaching me as well.

 

Same advice.

 

I'm not even sure if I can call some of these girls friends anymore. Some of them are barely talking to me now.

 

That's OK. Friendships and relationships are transitory. Accept that.

 

Can I keep these girls as friends?

 

If there's a meeting of the minds, sure. If not, no. Relationships are equitable and voluntary.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

I had to re-friend-zone a close college friend of mine this week. She made her approach, but it's a using/abusing approach and she knows I'm pursuing another woman. My passive-aggressive approach was probably not the best, but it worked.

 

Your friends don't really sound like friends.

[Mrin]

In my experience women who are romantically interested in you don't take kindly to being friendzoned - if they've made their desires clear. I've found that women don't handle rejection as well as men on average. That is probably due to the whole guy is first mover thing and thus women understandably more exposed when experiencing rejection.

 

All that being said - if you can friendzone a woman before she makes her desires known then they can just switch how you occur for them in their brain and slip into the friendzone easier than a man can.

[elaine567]

What is the best way of doing this?

 

There are a couple of groups of girls, who I think are great, fun to hang out with, but I'm not strongly interested in them for anything beyond that.

 

It's causing a bit of tension because these girls are single, they know I'm single, but I'm not making a strong move to date any of them.

 

They do however, see me approaching women and see women approaching me as well.

 

I'm not even sure if I can call some of these girls friends anymore. Some of them are barely talking to me now.

 

Can I keep these girls as friends?

 

Sounds like you believe these women are all waiting agog for your next move and it is up to you to friend zone them.

YOU have decided that you want to be just friends with them.

But it appears it is not up to you.

 

Women are not stupid, if you are approaching other women and not them... then wait for it...they realise you are not interested in them so

they move on.

 

If they are barely talking to you, then they are not interested in you full stop, no need for you to friend zone them, they have already made the decision to blank you.

 

YOU hanging around is maybe ruining their chances with other guys, so if it is a toss up between Dan just being friendly, and Ben and Rob being dating material, then you get the heave ho.

[salparadise]

Let me see if I got this right... all of these women are so hot for you that it's disrupting the social order in your town?

 

If you aren't interested in someone romantically you don't have to issue a formal friendzone decree. All you have to do is not ask them out, flirt or try to keep them on the string. If they aren't pleased with the f/z routine they'll move along, probably without any formal notice as well.

 

How are things at the state level? Social order is a good thing. Be kind, and try not to have them all in a frenzy at the same time.

[danmillar]

Let me see if I got this right... all of these women are so hot for you that it's disrupting the social order in your town?

 

If you aren't interested in someone romantically you don't have to issue a formal friendzone decree. All you have to do is not ask them out, flirt or try to keep them on the string. If they aren't pleased with the f/z routine they'll move along, probably without any formal notice as well.

 

How are things at the state level? Social order is a good thing. Be kind, and try not to have them all in a frenzy at the same time.

 

Ha ha, well, it seems you have a bit of an active imagination there, my friend.

 

I never said I was disrupting the social order of my town, whatever that means.

 

I do think there is a certain degree of miscommunication, however.

 

One social circle is meetup based. I try to talk to as many people as possible at each meetup. I tend to think of this as a way to make a circle of friends first and foremost and if I find someone I feel strongly about, I'll pursue it.

 

However, the women tend to assume (with a lot of justification since this is how things normally work), that each conversation in and of itself, will lead up to a potential advance--me asking for a phone number, date, etc).

 

This is where the miscommunication begins. Each woman assumes I will talk with her exclusively each time we meet. If I speak to another woman during the same event, this typically leads to jealousy, a bit of subtle animosity, or even outright anger, which can lead to the gal freezing me out the next time, or openly issuing some insult or angry remark.

 

If I DON'T speak to all of the women, some will openly stare at me, inviting me to talk to them, which places pressure on me to leave the woman I'm currently talking to, or at least to interrupt the current conversation by saying hi or waving to the waiting woman. However, this brief interruption can upset the first woman I'm already talking to.

 

If I DON'T acknowledge the woman staring, then SHE will be upset with me the next time I see her.

 

There is some turnover in the meetup group, so there is almost always new people to talk to or someone I haven't seen in awhile, but there are also some "core members" who can make the situation uneasy for me.

 

Hope this clarifies. I could add even more detail, but this post is already long enough in outline form.

[salparadise]

Each woman assumes I will talk with her exclusively each time we meet. If I speak to another woman during the same event, this typically leads to jealousy, a bit of subtle animosity, or even outright anger, which can lead to the gal freezing me out the next time, or openly issuing some insult or angry remark.

 

If I DON'T speak to all of the women, some will openly stare at me, inviting me to talk to them, which places pressure on me to leave the woman I'm currently talking to, or at least to interrupt the current conversation by saying hi or waving to the waiting woman. However, this brief interruption can upset the first woman I'm already talking to.

 

I'm witcha brother... nobody realizes what a burden it is to be the guy every woman wants. Why couldn't we have just been born a little above average? It's a curse, really. I've actually considered plastic surgery... maybe a bulbous nose or some kind of asymmetry to keep'em from getting overheated.

[danmillar]

I'm witcha brother... nobody realizes what a burden it is to be the guy every woman wants. Why couldn't we have just been born a little above average? It's a curse, really. I've actually considered plastic surgery... maybe a bulbous nose or some kind of asymmetry to keep'em from getting overheated.

 

Ha ha, I'm actually going to write up a play by play of the last couple of meets as example then.

 

Where there's a will, there IS a way.

[preraph]

Go on about your business and if they fall away, let them fall away. Yes, one or both might have been wishing you wanted to be their boyfriend. You just go about your business and don't lead any of them on by asking them on dates or sleeping with them and just let them decide whether they want to stay or go while you pursue other women.

[RedRobin]

I dunno. Their anger is probably in your head. But whatever makes you feel like an irresistible stud at the meet ups. When I used to go to meet ups, there is always one guy like that there. The dog that has to go around and sniff every bitches butt. Kinda funny to watch. Even funnier when it's my turn to get sniffed. I'm sure they thought I was so jealous that I just couldn't stand it. Um, no.

[danmillar]

I'm witcha brother... nobody realizes what a burden it is to be the guy every woman wants. Why couldn't we have just been born a little above average? It's a curse, really. I've actually considered plastic surgery... maybe a bulbous nose or some kind of asymmetry to keep'em from getting overheated.

 

So here's an abbreviated play by play:

 

I seat myself at end of table, with about a dozen of us in attendance.

 

The woman (1) to my left introduces herself immediately. We start talking, but the woman (2) to this woman's left is staring at me the whole time. So, here's the first quandary. If I don't introduce myself to the second woman, she will be offended.

 

But, if I do, then the woman who introduced herself first will be offended. I have to say hi at least to woman 2. Predictably, woman 1 is miffed, and stops talking to me, and starts talking to woman 2 exclusively.

 

I notice woman 3, seated directly across from me is also staring at me. I try engaging her in conversation. She is staring wide eyed, and not really taking in what I am saying. She continues to stare and stare. I try to make a small joke, but it seems not to register and she continues to stare at me, mouth agape.

 

I give up and re-engage woman 1 in conversation, and surprisingly, she is still willing to talk to me.

 

Now, woman 4 shows up, seated next to woman 3 across from me. Woman 4 had invited me out for a drink and food (insta-date) the first time we met. Unfortunately, I did not pick up on the invite, and now, things are a bit uncomfortable between us.

 

I now talk to woman 4, and we both mention events and/or restaurants we'd like to go, putting out feelers, but not wanting to get rejected.

 

Woman 1 and 3 leave (some urgent matter)

 

Woman 2 has just declined another man on a date invite.

 

Woman 2 now starts to talk to me, and starts teasing me a bit.

 

Woman 4 interrupts our conversation however, and now woman 2 and 4 are engaged in conversation. They are acquaintances from before.

 

So, 1 and 3 leave rather early. 4 is a little peeved at me, and interrupts 2's efforts.

 

Just very subtle gamesmanship. This is kind of a quiet lounge and it's easy for all parties to hear what everyone else is saying. Not conducive to romantic pickups as I said before.

[danmillar]

Here's another example:

 

I show up and speak to one of the organizers. She is an attractive blonde and very selective. She is very nervous speaking to me. We hug and I chat her up. We talk for a good while, but she leaves for the bathroom.

 

I chat up another woman. She has been talking to one guy in particular probably for an hour, if not longer. She begins to ignore him completely, and he hangs his head in sadness.

 

I see how upset he is, and I quickly fall back slightly and encourage him to rejoin the conversation.

 

The three of us talk late into the night, but I excuse myself before closing so the two of them can have some private time to exchange numbers and what not. They may or may not be dating. I hope they are.

 

Unfortunately, gal 1 is quite upset with me for not sticking around after she went to the restroom. She makes snippy remarks about/at me, frowns, and is generally upset with me. Not in a dramatic manner, but it's a rather sharp departure from before.

 

Basically, I have to respect the assumptions of these women which is that any conversation I initiate has romantic intentions. Otherwise, they are upset.

 

I'm not sure what to do in this case. These are attractive women, but not so attractive that I'd have strong incentive to make a girlfriend out of one of them. However, I enjoy their company and friendship and the light flirting, so I'd like to keep seeing them.

[danmillar]

No. They are visibly upset. It's unmistakable although they are not of course, stomping their feet or yelling. We are adults here after all.

 

 

 

I dunno. Their anger is probably in your head. But whatever makes you feel like an irresistible stud at the meet ups. When I used to go to meet ups, there is always one guy like that there. The dog that has to go around and sniff every bitches butt. Kinda funny to watch. Even funnier when it's my turn to get sniffed. I'm sure they thought I was so jealous that I just couldn't stand it. Um, no.

Edited July 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[danmillar]

I should mention in the second example that there was a third woman who showed up (didn't rsvp for the meetup).

 

She stared at me continually when I was in the last group. She would lean past other people to get a look at me.

 

I waved and said hi and she nervously ducked back behind these people when I did. So my attention is constantly being drawn away by other women even when I am having conversations with a woman already.

 

I'm doing my best to be diplomatic and friendly, but there is "pressure" on me to "pick one" and be done with it.

[Gloria25]

No. They are visibly upset. It's unmistakable although they are not of course, stomping their feet or yelling. We are adults here after all.

 

Sniff the bitches butt? Rather crass and shows how negative and angry you are. Better get that corrected if you want to be in a relationship, or even just to be at peace with yourself.

 

I'm sorry, but I agree with RedRobin...

 

I've seen guys and gals like this before...they love flirting. They get a "high" from the attention. Then, when the person they are flirting with tries to escalate it, they give them the "eeewwwww....go way, I'm not interested in you" treatment.

 

Like others said, if you are not interested romantically in these women they'll fall off on their own, but if they're getting snippy at you - IMO, there's "something" you're doing to make them think you're interested in them. Maybe it's how you look at them, maybe it's the hugs - I don't know.

 

But, the mere fact that you said you want to 'keep them around as friends' tells me that you are like a flame who enjoys moths fluttering around you.

 

Another thing to consider? Meet-ups aren't just about people trying to find something to do in their free time...more than likely, they are trying to meet people in real life w/o the perils of OLD and/or are hoping to meet someone that shares common activities with them and/or getting to meet someone as friends first. So, if you start chatting up a chick - trust me, she's probably assuming romantic interest.

 

So, I highly recommend you be honest with yourself and realize that you may just be that "flame" who likes a lot of "moths" and these women are getting snippy, cuz they are getting played. Yes, "played", cuz they think dude is interested when all he wants is to polish his ego and/or have platonic female attention.

[danmillar]

I hear ya. There's actually one girl in the group like that.

 

She loves to flirt with me, and lead me on. She is pretty, but not so pretty that I'd be upset by it.

 

She has a boyfriend and has no intention of leaving the relationship. However, she is out several nights a week without him. And she will flirt with dudes, and give out her phone number. She loves the attention.

 

I think the first time she met me she said she was going to follow me into the bathroom. Her boyfriend was at the bar, btw. She singles me out for attention, invites me dancing, winks at me, but it's clear she doesn't want to take it any further.

 

I'm pretty irreverent and teasing with her, which upsets her tremendously, because she is used to guys chasing her and treating her like a princess.

 

But yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

[danmillar]

One thing I can say in my "defense" however, is that a number of these women will be quite "cold" or emotionally distant for a period of time and then suddenly out of the blue, will express strong interest.

 

So, I'm expected to go from zero to 100 in these cases, without any buildup.

 

It's like 'go away, go away, go away, go away I'M READY go away....'

[Gloria25]

Well, may I ask why you go to these meet-ups?

 

Can I also ask that outside of meet-ups, are you looking to date?

 

I mean, I'm confused here...why the interest in the chick with the bf? Like you enjoy "teasing" her? So, you like playing games with women?

 

Then again, who cares about the ones who out of the blue express interest in you if all you're looking for is friends?

[Gloria25]

One thing I can say in my "defense" however, is that a number of these women will be quite "cold" or emotionally distant for a period of time and then suddenly out of the blue, will express strong interest.

 

So, I'm expected to go from zero to 100 in these cases, without any buildup.

 

It's like 'go away, go away, go away, go away I'M READY go away....'

 

So, how does this matter? If I'm correct, you're not interested romantically in any of these women, so who cares if/when they express romantic interest?

 

Besides, if they're this hot/cold - who knows, maybe that's why they go to meet-ups, cuz they suck at dating guys. I'll admit that a lot of times the way I express interest in guys is awkward at times - to say the least.

 

Also, they may be hot/cold - cuz again, they are seeing you chat up other women and probably held back their interest when they were interested in you the whole time.

[danmillar]

Well, may I ask why you go to these meet-ups?

 

Can I also ask that outside of meet-ups, are you looking to date?

 

I mean, I'm confused here...why the interest in the chick with the bf? Like you enjoy "teasing" her? So, you like playing games with women?

 

Then again, who cares about the ones who out of the blue express interest in you if all you're looking for is friends?

 

These meetups are in fact a lot of fun to go to. Good food, good drinks, good conversation.

[danmillar]

So, how does this matter? If I'm correct, you're not interested romantically in any of these women, so who cares if/when they express romantic interest?

 

Besides, if they're this hot/cold - who knows, maybe that's why they go to meet-ups, cuz they suck at dating guys. I'll admit that a lot of times the way I express interest in guys is awkward at times - to say the least.

 

Also, they may be hot/cold - cuz again, they are seeing you chat up other women and probably held back their interest when they were interested in you the whole time.

 

To be honest, these women tend to fall into the "pretty cute" category. As in, attractive enough, but not so heartbreakingly beautiful that I could see myself getting heavily invested emotionally.

 

I am admittedly a bit too selective for my own good at times.

 

The blonde gal with the boyfriend is slightly irritating because she flirts with what would appear to be strong intent, but without any willingness to follow through. I tease her back and she just becomes enraged. The double standard is pretty hilarious to watch.

 

It's a great meetup group. Lots of fun, lots of pretty girls, but not really a stunningly beautiful woman in the group.

[RedRobin]

No. They are visibly upset. It's unmistakable although they are not of course, stomping their feet or yelling. We are adults here after all.

 

Sniff the bitches butt? Rather crass and shows how negative and angry you are. Better get that corrected if you want to be in a relationship, or even just to be at peace with yourself.

 

Haha, funny. Yep, you ARE that guy. Hilarious.

 

Well, now you know how you appear to some. *shrug* good luck.

[elaine567]

I agree with Robin.

There is talking to women and there is talking to women.

 

Your flirting style is such that you lead women on to think you are solely interested in them, then dump then unceremoniously when another women catches your eye, who then in turn gets dumped like a ton of lead when another enters your line of sight. Rinse and repeat.

 

That leads to confusion and upset and will make you a lot of unnecessary enemies and give you a bad reputation.

No-one wants to be friends with some guy who acts in the way you do.

 

The blonde with the bf, is your real target at the moment, because she is tantalisingly unavailable and that is a huge challenge to you.

Leave her alone.