BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone! I'm having a first world problem and couldn't find answers by googling. I've been dating my wonderful boyfriend for a year now. We get along great and we have few issues if any. I make low six figures, own a nice-ish 4 bedroom house and raise a 13 yo boy on my own completely. I am in a market for a car. While I have a nice job, I calculated I can't really comfortably afford a car that costs over 25K. It is a conservative choice, I could pay a bit extra, but I'd like to be comfortable with the payment and buy less car. So I would like to buy a mid-sized sedan. Today we've looked at cars in dealership parking lots and we both fell in love with a Nissan Murano 2015, which is about 40K, way out of my price range. He got very excited about it. I like it too, but I can't afford that car. He says he wants to help me by contributing with $5000.00 and that would be my Christmas gift ahead of time. I'm uncomfortable taking that contribution. Even with his 5K, the car is still outside my price range. But I can stretch myself a little, I calculated that I'd pay about 100/month extra than what I would otherwise pay, for a cheaper car. And I'd need to put down a down payment, while I wanted to put down no payment for a cheaper car. Tomorrow we'll go test drive this car, and this is why I was hoping I can figure it out by the afternoon. Is it OK to accept that contribution? I love that car, but I don't need that car and it's too much car for me, but I can see he's excited about it. I don't want to get money from him, but I was advised by a therapist a while ago to be more in my feminine and show vulnerability and allow the man to feel useful and generous. It's also a bit of a pressure for me, even with that help, it's pushing my price range above what I wanted to pay. Also, seeing how excited he is about that car and him getting to drive it when we go on trips and whatnot, I'm really conflicted about it. If I say no, I feel not only that I reject his help, but I refuse him that pleasure. If I say yes, I am afraid I'll feel bad that he pays for thins for me and it's also a bit over my price range and a bit of a stretch for my budget. I prefer to be conservative. He offered to help me with other things in the past and I kept refusing help. I only allowed him to pay for some trips because I simply couldn't afford to go to, say, Maui, for 10 days and he wanted us to go. I contributed to that too, but to a 1/4 level. So: Option 1: Do I accept his offer and get the car he wants, and which I love but of course I love a lot of things that I can't afford and I can make do with less? Option 2: Do I thank him and explain to him that I'm uncomfortable getting so much money from him (even as a Christmas gift) and that I think I should just get the car I can afford on my own, even if that means we won't get to enjoy the car he wants? He has 3 cars and doesn't want to buy a 4th for himself for a while. Thanks! Edited July 13, 2015 by BluEyeL Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Tell him you can't afford over 25k, period. Thank him for the 5k offer, but you still cannot afford the car. (If it were a 30k car, I'd say take the gift) 8 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I wouldn't buy a car that made me feel uncomfortable financially. How much money does your bf make? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Would you have problem accepting it if he were your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Would you have problem accepting it if he were your husband? No, if he were my husband, it would be a completely different situation because our resources would be pooled. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I wouldn't buy a car that made me feel uncomfortable financially. How much money does your bf make? He makes high six figures, i.e. over 500K/year. But I don't see it as important. In fact, it is kinda important, since he's bringing some high income standards versus my medium income capabilities. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 He makes high six figures, i.e. over 500K/year. But I don't see it as important. In fact, it is kinda important, since he's bringing some high income standards versus my medium income capabilities. Ah, then maybe still accept the 5k but get a less expensive car. No reason to add unnecessary financial pains to your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I don't think the 5K will come for a cheaper car, it was for this one I think I'll separate the two issues and just buy the car I can afford. Then the issue of me being uncomfortable with a 5K gift will solve itself. I'll tell him what xxoo advised, that I made some calculations and even with his generous gift is too much car for me. Perhaps next car I'll afford a fancier one or we'll be married and we can choose together then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I have a few different thoughts on this. First, I think your instincts of buying a less expensive car than you can actually afford is wise. Cars are a depreciating asset, so when you borrow you're losing on both ends of the deal... the car's value drops, and you pay monthly to service the debt at the same time. $760 payments may sound ok while you're mesmerized with a brand new, shiny toy... but in the 5th year of making those payments, on a car that's probably down to half of its original value, plus needing maintenance, etc., that payment is not going to be nearly as much fun. The payment will be close to 10% of your income... you'll be working 2 days a month for the car. That car may be worth 40k sitting on the lot, but when you title it and drive it home it's going to be worth $35k, and the amount you owe is going to be about $45k (assuming 5%). It's a magic formula for making cash disappear. It will be a few years before the value of the car equals what you still own on it. You can buy a really nice car for $25k. And if you buy from an individual rather than a dealer, you save thousands on depreciation, thousands by not paying full retail, and if you pay cash you save thousands on the cost of the money. If you take the difference in these two strategies ($20k) and invest it, in about five years that $20k will become $40k... at which point you're next car will be paid for, free and clear, on what you saved by playing smart on this one. So that's just another way to think about it- your choice, obviously. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) your car, your decision, girl. I think... he needs to accept that you are not making as much money as he does. And IMHO, by sticking to your guns, you are setting some really healthy barriers. I don't mean to be drawing too many lines in a sand, but after one year, a USD 5000 gift for a car is not bf-type gift. That is a husband style gift. And he is not there. Yet . I believe you two are still - or should still be - in the lovey dovey period, where he is still supposed to make romantic gifts and sweep you off your feet. Holidays are nice, but so is jewelry and experiences and anything else of that type. I feel that very often men prefer to buy more expensive but emotionally void of any meanings gifts, to ... not be in that zone. I like that zone. That is the emotional zone where the two of you are building that emotional connection. Don't skip stages, you risk to be building on quick sand - to me, him acting like a husband is that. Gently put him at his place. Suggest Cartier or Chanel for the gift. Independent women make their own financial decisions, buy their own cars and for big things, decide for themselves. It doesn't mean he's not part of your life, of course he is. He's only your bf, girl. Remember that. And remember to playfully remind him that as well !! ok, I have been guilty of overinterpreting things... but this is not about the car, buying the car or him making a contribution to the car, is it ? why would he prefer to spend so much money on an asset ? Because he knows your birthday is coming... and first bf gifts for his gf are tough. HE might actually need to plan something romantic. And buy something romantic. I think that downpayment of 5000 $ is extremely convenient to him. Not that he is buying you out... he's buying himself out of an emotionally charged situation. why is he so keen in avoiding that ? Girl... don't let him get away with it. I've done that mistake and it only bit me in the arse. Play by the rules and make him stick to them as well. You know this. Keep it real and watch his behavior! lots of love, candie Edited July 13, 2015 by candie13 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) OK, thanks for your input guys My browser seems to be outdated and I can't click like today for some reason, but thanks! Salparadise, I'm thinking the same way. You make a lot of sense. The long term burden of a large payment is the problem. And it's not only that payment to the cost of the car. It's insurance, maintenance etc. This car is an all wheel drive (don't need that), gas mileage is not as great as a smaller car, like a Mazda, which is my next option. I want to buy a 2014 Mazda 6, which prices at 20-25K. That would put my monthly payment around 450. This 2015 Nissan Murano is loaded with all the bells and whistles and is beautiful, but on the long term, I'd be paying more than it's worth it. When I started this job, 10 years ago, I also bought a 1year old car, below my "means", and it's still running well. I'm saving it for my son. That helped me with money, driving that car free of payment for like 6 years now. I want to do the same. Next year, I'm getting a promotion and a serious salary raise, but I don't want to get that raise and sink it into this car. It is beautiful, but for a dual income family. If we are married and he wants a new toy and he can obviously afford it, he can buy it then, but now he's not a husband. Candie, coming up is my second birthday, he got me diamond earrings for my first one. And....a Dyson LOL That was a joke (I had said that I read somewhere that a boyfriend who doesn't give a romantic gift but a practical one should be dumped and this is why he gave me a vacuum cleaner in addition to the earings) For the first Christmas he gave me a trip to Mexico. He seems to be in the husband mode, but we're not getting married before at least 5 years and we'll need to compromise on our income differences. I don't have a crappy salary, but he has an unusually high income, which comes with a bit of a difference in lifestyles. It's a bit of a problem for me, because I see his toys and it makes me want this and that and then when I put things on paper, I see I can't afford all that he has so...I have to always bring myself back to Earth. And that's OK. The car he wants is not representative for me. I'm setting up at time to meet with a Mazda dealer and see what I can get. Edited July 13, 2015 by BluEyeL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I swear I did include paragraphs, sorry they didn't show up Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I was projecting stuff from my own past RS onto yours, I wasn't aware of the beautiful personal gift he had made before . hum... no, no one dumps a guy if he only offers her diamonds, for her birthday - are you out of your mind, girl ? My recent ex bf kept trying to buy me an Apple TV - insisted twice, but didn't let him. In the end, his idea of a spontaneous gift was the Games of Thrones series, which I have given back, after the break up. I thought your bf was similar to my ex, avoiding the romantic / sentimental zone oh, in that case, be practical above all ! cheers ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I haven't bought a new car in years. Any good financial / money guru will tell you they are a bad investment because the rate of depreciation is so high. Instead I buy something 1-2 years old with low mileage. You get a better car for way cheaper. My current Jeep was about $32k new. I paid $15k when it was 2 years old with less then 20,000 miles. I got warranties, some "new car smell" air freshener & it's been great. It has also held it's value. So my advice: Do not take the $$ from the BF. Give up the new car dream. Look at the 2014 model & get what you want in a price you can afford. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Me neither, I've never had a new car. But when you make a lot of money and are a man who likes toys it's a different discourse . Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Me neither, I've never had a new car. But when you make a lot of money and are a man who likes toys it's a different discourse . Gently throw it back at him. This is my budget. I plan to stick to it. If you can't understand that, I can't help you. Unless you are willing to buy me the car outright and never say another word about it, which is not something I think either of us want, hush. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Lol I can say that albeit in a different way 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I did like xxoo's suggestion, but if he then counters by offering to make up the total difference I think you should take it. Making a man feel useful is incredibly important in a relationship and that seems like the perfect opportunity, something you do want and he can offer. Plus I'm sure if he loves you he'll really enjoy being able to help you experience getting a brand new car for the first time. Taking any kind of virginity is always a plus. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 And that was my worry with saying no, that I will take his excitement away. And I'll make him feel useless. I really don't think he'll offer 15K though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Some may consider it a waste of money, but I love a brand new car. Everyone should do it at least once. If the car were in your comfort price range, I would say take the money. You've been together long enough, are planning a future together, and he obviously loves you. He wouldn't have offered if he didn't want to help you and $5k is a drop in the bucket for him. But since even with his money it's more than you want to spend, I would just decline. It's easy to get caught up with a new car...until those monthly payments are staring you in the face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I just saw a new Mazda that I can also afford without help. I'd get it but I'll wait to meet with him and see how I convince him not to be offended he's not getting the Nissan and he won't help me. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Well, Im not opposed to buying a new car, but I would never buy off the lot! Depending on the vehicle and what options you choose and haggling skills, it can be cheaper to order one. Too much mark up. If it makes you uncomfortable financially buying this vehicle, don't do it. You'll be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 since he makes that much money, it will be a drop in the bucket for him to just buy you the new car... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I think it would be too much to have him straight buy me a car like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Just buy your own car. Thanks but no thanks on the "contribution". Link to post Share on other sites
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