Simplefellow Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly a year now, I'm a couple months shy of turning 25 (hardware repair, programmer and humanities professor) while she's 22 and close to finishing college. I admit that I was impressed she still wanted to continue dating me after the first couple dates and really thought to myself ''what does she sees in a guy like me who doesn't talk too much''. She's my polar opposite. Overall I'm ok with the relationship and it's now been nearly a year but I do wonder why would a girl that's kind of far from being a virgin is into wanting to make things right and do what she would have wanted: making me wait till marriage. She was honest from the start about her past but when she asked for mine (didn't think girls ask this too), I just replied ''Enough that I know, I'm more for showing than telling''. She thought I was being funny. She told me this towards the 2nd month of our relationship when I was starting to make some moves. Then also told me the same thing last month when I was trying to make things romantic, decorate the bed and thought that finally moving out of my old apartment, inviting her to my new house and once again trying to make some moves would get her to change her mind. I love her but if only she knew I've been sexually frustrated for such a long time. I'm considering proposing sometime sooner so by then I'll have both the girl I love and we'll have sex already. So since I love her and want sex already, should I just propose her soon? Certain days, I still don't get why she rejected me twice for intimacy (while other guys had it easier) and is making me wait for marriage. But since she wants marriage and has hinted, I'm considering have it done. I feel like it's either now or never. I'm tired of endlessly waiting. Edited July 8, 2015 by Simplefellow Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Just wanting to get laid a really bad reason to propose marriage. 25 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simplefellow Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Just wanting to get laid a really bad reason to propose marriage.Though that's part of the reason (not the only reason though), I also love her. Just that I can't stand this burden anymore and I've been depressed, embarrassed about it for years. I always wanted to have a gf like all my friends, male cousins do and if I made it this far with her (all we did was making out and humping into each other with clothes on in the bed) in comparing to nothing, then it gives me more reason to want to go along with it. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Totally agree with CT. Think this through carefully with the longterm in mind. Don't make a rash decision out of desperation, unless possibly getting divorced in a few years time doesn't phase you. As for this - "I do wonder why would a girl that's kind of far from being a virgin is into wanting to make things right". You wont be the only one here wondering why the flip on celibacy for you. You didn't get a satisfactory answer from her as to what no sex is now making right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simplefellow Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 ascendotum, I guess I'm not thinking too clearly. On top of that, both my cousin and best friend (they are the only ones who know my secret) for some reason don't seem to like her and even after all this time think I'm getting duped. Normally, they aren't into judging someone too fast. Even though I wasn't satisified with her answer on just wanting and making things right, I would like to think that she's honest and really regrets her past and indeed does want to do it the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Okay, you love her and all that. But you said she is your polar opposite. Honestly, I have never known a situation like yours to work out. For the very reason that you don't know if you are sexually compatible and waiting until you marry to find out is fraught with too many unknowns. Are you even able to talk about sex with her? How would it be if you married and discovered the sex is lousy, or she only wants it every six months, or will only do it in the dark, under the covers, and for 6.2 minutes? Are you two compatible in other ways? Do you have the same philosophy on life, how to treat others, what you want in the future? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Does she have a sex drive? It's time to have an adult conversation about both your needs. I wouldn't get married if all you are is "ok with the relationship." You should make sure you are sexually compatible before getting married. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Listen to Carrie. Don't do this. Playing sexual games with you rubs me the wrong way also. She's experienced, but making you wait? I wouldn't continue to date her much less marry her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simplefellow Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 I tried avoiding the topic of sex because then she's going to wonder more about my sexual past and probably figure out I got none. I don't even know what she likes during sex nor how would she like to be touched. Last time I tried to make the moves, I was doing it the way I imagine a girl likes it. Few things we're compatible is she's a career-minded woman too, likes kids and Chinese food is our favorite dish. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Since you're so hell bent on making a stupid decision based on blue balls, I say if you marry her, use BC and don't have kids for the first three years... Hopefully by then you'll see if she was pulling a fast one on you. If it goes south, you can walk away with minimal damage. I do respect a woman who wants to hold on to her dignity instead of giving it up in each, every "RL" that's bound to go nowhere, but IMO, she should at least let you put her on a test drive before the big day. But proposing in only 2 months of "dating"? Seriously? Also, if you think you're gonna "trick" her into staying with you by putting a ring on her finger and locking her down before she finds out you're not that experienced...well, you are playing another dangerous game. I mean, we're not in the middle east where women are sheltered all of their lives...You may be able to get away with her thinking your lack of experience is the hottest thing she's ever known, but if one day she becomes "self-aware" and goes see MagicMike in the movies, I don't know what you're gonna do then. And lastly, if "you" in the future are the one to become "self-aware" and realize you're tired of crappy sex (or lack thereof) with her cuz you tried to marry a wet napkin and she remains a wet napkin...then that's gonna be your purgatory too. So, like I said, if you're gonna do this...marry and get your blue balls relieved and don't have kids for the first three years to really start to look at her objectively....but I don't think you'll make it. Cuz, your desperation tells me soon after you marry next thing is to lock her in for 18 years by knocking her up...yes, Gloria25 said it...some men use pregnancies to "trap" women too. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I don't even know what she likes during sex nor how would she like to be touched. Oh dear god, PLEASE DO NOT GET MARRIED IF YOU DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS. It is okay for a person to want to wait until marriage, but they should at least be able to talk about it. Chinese food is our favorite dish. Well, gee... Now there's something to build a marriage on! :rolleyes: 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Another thing I notice here... I mean, it is more than obvious that you are not dating to find a "match", you are dating to find a vagina with a pulse and an incubator that can carry your child...so, you can impress your family, friends, and society. Good luck with that... Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 She's got a sexual past, and now, suddenly after screwing any number of guys, shes making you wait until marriage? Sorry, not buying it, she's being manipulative, and making her own arbitrary rules that you feel obligated to follow. If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb and at that point if she wants to try to save the relationship and agrees to sex, I'd consider it but she better be damn good in bed after making me wait so long. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 She's got a sexual past, and now, suddenly after screwing any number of guys, shes making you wait until marriage? Sorry, not buying it, she's being manipulative, and making her own arbitrary rules that you feel obligated to follow. If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb and at that point if she wants to try to save the relationship and agrees to sex, I'd consider it but she better be damn good in bed after making me wait so long. Oh pleeze, a "past" doesn't mean she's any good in bed.... She probably just let a guy or two "mount" her and lying on her back was as much effort she put into it. Ask her if she is accredited and/or has any "certifications" on all this sexual experience she makes you wanna think she has Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simplefellow Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) Another thing I notice here... I mean, it is more than obvious that you are not dating to find a "match", you are dating to find a vagina with a pulse and an incubator that can carry your child...so, you can impress your family, friends, and society. Good luck with that...You'll never know what's it like having no luck in the dating world for years and suddenly that person (the first one that shows in your life) is interested in you and the relationship keeps going on. We've now been dating for 11 months so that's not really too early too propose. It was rather on the 2nd month that she told me her view on preferring to wait till marriage. It's not that I'm all for impressing my family member. I always wanted a woman in my life, a meaningful relationship, one that accepts me. That's all I was lacking. Edited July 8, 2015 by Simplefellow Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I read the thread title and thought, "Um, what?" There is an unwritten rule about proposing: NEVER propose out of frustration or desperation. Something is not right here. And even if this girl is really trying to use marriage as a bargaining chip, that's messed up. OP, you need to get some openness into this relationship pronto. I'd have been done with something like this at the first sign of trouble, but I don't know the details of your situation. You need to get to the bottom of things before going any further. And FFS, do not propose! Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 You'll never know what's it like having no luck in the dating world for years and suddenly that person (the first one that shows in your life) is interested in you and the relationship keeps going on. We've now been dating for 11 months so that's not really too early too propose. It was rather on the 2nd month that she told me her view on preferring to wait till marriage. It's not that I'm all for impressing my family member. I always wanted a woman in my life, a meaningful relationship, one that accepts me. That's all I was lacking. Hint: No one lacks another person. What you lack is the devil-may-care attitude to walk alone and not put up with nonsense from another person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I tried avoiding the topic of sex because then she's going to wonder more about my sexual past and probably figure out I got none. Well this makes more sense now. So you are a 25 year old virgin who has had damn near zero luck with women and hoping for a miracle with the chick you are with now... This could end terribly. Don't let desperation result in you making a terrible decision. What is the farthest you have gone with her physically? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simplefellow Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Well this makes more sense now. So you are a 25 year old virgin who has had damn near zero luck with women and hoping for a miracle with the chick you are with now... This could end terribly. Don't let desperation result in you making a terrible decision. What is the farthest you have gone with her physically?Yes, I'm a virgin. All we ever did was making out and humping into each other with clothes on in the bed. This is when she stopped me when I wanted to make more moves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simplefellow Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Hint: No one lacks another person. What you lack is the devil-may-care attitude to walk alone and not put up with nonsense from another person.I don't want to be alone. I want to be with a woman in my life and be intimate with her. I want to have kids eventually. Would that be asking too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I don't want to be alone. I want to be with a woman in my life and be intimate with her. I want to have kids eventually. Would that be asking too much? Hint #2: You're doing it wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) Good, desirable mates of both sexes like those who have strength and show it through self-confidence and bold self-reliance. You are about to show this girl you have little or none of both. Don't do it. Being with someone is not a goal; it is a privilege, a serendipitous occurrence borne of being in the right frame of mind in the right place at the right time. When this happens, you will know it, and there will be no uncertainties involved (or at least less critical ones). OP, I'm not telling you to give up on this; rather, I am trying to get you to adjust your thinking. Edited July 8, 2015 by Palmeiras 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Its not uncommon for a woman who has made some "sexual mistakes" in her past to find a guy she likes and want to wait. To suggest she is manipulating him because of it is a reach. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Yes, I'm a virgin. All we ever did was making out and humping into each other with clothes on in the bed. This is when she stopped me when I wanted to make more moves. Your need for romantic love, companionship, and sex is completely 100% normal. Being denied that can be frustrating, painful and result in poor/desperate decisions (like getting married when you are not ready). My recommendation would be to have a honest and straight forward talk with her about what you want.(you don't need to talk about your history if you don't want to). Just tell her what it is clear from your posts.... you love her, but now feel sexually frustrated from the lack of intimacy. Tell her you need sex to be happy in a long term relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) Its not uncommon for a woman who has made some "sexual mistakes" in her past to find a guy she likes and want to wait. To suggest she is manipulating him because of it is a reach. The point is, he needs to get some clarity here and quell his desperation. If her motives are benign, she will be able to broach this subject with him, assuming he approaches it in a sober yet no-nonsense manner. Edited July 8, 2015 by Palmeiras 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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