Is this abusive?

[farmtomarket]

I have been in a relationship with a man for over a year. We just recently split again because he was very controlling.

 

My friends have met him. They LOVE him. He’s successful, charismatic and often very loving.

 

However, he wants to control all of our money. We are now engaged. I quit my job to be with him. I am just starting my own business and doing quite well.

 

He was upset that I haven’t transferred all my money to our account. I told him I wanted to have some money in my old account ..and he said it was because I didn’t trust him.

 

He is very upset if I suggest that I might do business with a successful CEO. (It my profession, it happens a lot…). He says it threatens him. He also doesn’t want me traveling for work.

 

He truly just wants me home as much as possible…and with him.

 

The positive? He has helped create a lot of my business website etc. He is always trying to “help” me…but it seems to be an extension of his need to have his finger in everything I do. He wants log ins to my emails etc.

 

I think i get confused because some days he’s horrible. He tells me I shouldn’t even get a manicure because Im not bringing in enough money — but then goes out routinely for 120.00 dollar meals. He buys 300 dollar jeans, but then tells me he already has spent the money I have brought in…and I need to be more careful.

 

But, then other days - he will say — I want to take you on vacation! Let’s go on a trip! I will say…I thought we had to save money? He will say…we only live once…let’s just go and will book a 3000.00 trip!

 

I just don’t quite know how to feel. Sometimes he’s amazing…others…he’s a nightmare.

 

I love him…the loving “him”…. and it helps me get past all the weird stuff. But, am I just blinded? he’s never physically hit me…but he gets into rages and tells me that I like to be a “victim” if I start to cry…or get upset when he screams at me.

 

I just don’t know what to think.

[Satu]

Look at this and decide for yourself if his behaviour is abusive:

 

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

 

 

(The more of these that apply, the more serious the situation.)

 

 

Source here.

 

 

Take care.

[RainDown]

No. Just no. Get out. Now. There are so many red flags in your post I don't even know where to start.

 

He is most definitely not a keeper. Throw him back.

[DaisyBug]

no. Just no. Get out. Now. There are so many red flags in your post i don't even know where to start.

 

He is most definitely not a keeper. Throw him back.

 

this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Grumpybutfun]

This is abusive......you know this or you wouldn't have written it here. Time for you to understand that rages and controlling money are mentally abusive actions. They often turn into physical and verbal abuse. Do not marry this guy. He will make your life hell.

Good luck,

Grumps

[carhill]

IMO, make it a long engagement and get the money stuff ironed out, including the legalities, prior to moving forward with any legal partnership.

 

I don't know how old you are but if you're in your 30's or 40's and this guy is as well, don't expect him to change. If he wants to control financial stuff or feels that's the 'man's job', that's who he is. If it's a bad fit, it is. Up to you.

 

IMO, he's afraid.

[farmtomarket]

He may be afraid and insecure. But it's still hard to deal with. He just bizarre things. Like tonight: my young son called and said he accidentally dropped his (my old) dog ...he's 6 pounds. My son was crying because he thought he broke his leg. I tried to keep cool but I started to get teary eyed after talking to my crying 8 year old. My fiancé got angry. He said that I was acting ridiculous and that I was going to use that as an excuse to go visit my son and Ex husband tomorrow. I told him it's my old dog! Who might have a broken leg. He said. He's not your dog. Get over it. You just played into your ex husband's hand..again...it happens all the time. Last time, he was angry that I ran to be by my son ...my ex said he had a high fever...and I took off to be near him. Well, my ex over reacted....so my fiance was mad that I went ...in the first place....

 

Was my reaction that off base? I felt terrible for my son and for my old dog tonight.

Edited July 7, 2015 by farmtomarket

[RainDown]

He may be afraid and insecure. But it's still hard to deal with. He just bizarre things. Like tonight: my young son called and said he accidentally dropped his (my old) dog ...he's 6 pounds. My son was crying because he thought he broke his leg. I tried to keep cool but I started to get teary eyed after talking to my crying 8 year old. My fiancé got angry. He said that I was acting ridiculous and that I was going to use that as an excuse to go visit my son and Ex husband tomorrow. I told him it's my old dog! Who might have a broken leg. He said. He's not your dog. Get over it. You just played into your ex husband's hand..again...it happens all the time. Last time, he was angry that I ran to be by my son ...my ex said he had a high fever...and I took off to be near him. Well, my ex over reacted....so my fiance was mad that I went ...in the first place....

 

Was my reaction that off base? I felt terrible for my son and for my old dog tonight.

 

You're not off base. You bf is a controlling, insecure nutjob. Why on earth would you need an excuse to go visit your son? You're free to go visit him every day if you want to and your bf has no say in the matter. He also has no say in how you earn or spend your money or even if you visit your dog.

 

If you do stay with this man please keep him away from your son at all costs. He is toxic and your son does not need to be exposed to him and his abuse.

[candie13]

Def do NOT transfer your money onto his. BOUNDARIES. you mean, he tells to not have manicure, because you're not bringing enough $ ?

 

You cannot do anything on your own. What you can do, is try to see more clearly. Start therapy, on his back. Like... tomorrow. Please. Anything, any form or shape. Start talking to specialists. Get help. first thing's first. Get stronger. Clear your head.

[Brigit_1]

However, he wants to control all of our money.

 

I think i get confused because some days he’s horrible. He tells me I shouldn’t even get a manicure because Im not bringing in enough money — but then goes out routinely for 120.00 dollar meals. He buys 300 dollar jeans, but then tells me he already has spent the money I have brought in…and I need to be more careful.

 

But, then other days - he will say — I want to take you on vacation! Let’s go on a trip! I will say…I thought we had to save money? He will say…we only live once…let’s just go and will book a 3000.00 trip!

 

I just don’t quite know how to feel. Sometimes he’s amazing…others…he’s a nightmare.

 

he gets into rages and tells me that I like to be a “victim” if I start to cry…or get upset when he screams at me.

 

I just don’t know what to think.

 

You're being abused. He is keeping you confused; it's called "Gas lighting." Sounds like he has anti-social traits. You'll never be happy with this man.

[misspond]

Please read Satu's post and tick off all that apply. And retain control of your money, because if you decide to leave and you cannot get access to your money...

[autumnnight]

This man is the most insidious type of abuser. The bruises he leaves are on the inside, and they take a lot longer to heal.

 

Run away fast.

[farmtomarket]

Yes, he told me if I didn't transfer my money to his account...he felt there were trust issues. And he says what's the point of being engaged or married if you can't operate like a team.

 

So I did transfer most of my money to him, but I left about a thousand in my old account that he has no access to. He saw it on a statement that came in the mail and flipped out.

 

So recently... After combining all of my money with his (I gave about 6k) he paid my car payment and student loan etc. I still had about 4k positive.

 

So, I went to visit my son and I bought him a few things. I spent about 300 dollars shopping and eating out. He went nuts and told me that I was not respecting him or protecting him because I was spending too much money in areas that had no benefit to him. He then said that my 9 year old makes no money and is just a drain on his finances. Then, he was angry I spent any money on my mother who I bought dinner for (she was visiting my son from out of town). She has refused to meet him for religious reasons and he took this as a direct slap in the face.

 

He throws these horrible fits. But then the next day he will be working to create my website and buying me graphics etc for my business. It's extremely confusing because I can see he sacrifices his own time and business for me... But then flips out over something crazy.

 

He has told me... When I mention my bills etc ... That he feels I'm trying to punish him by being with him because I have child support to pay, as well.

[candie13]

That's your money. You are giving your own money - and that of your kid - to a stranger. That is not how adults function. And that is poor mothering.

 

if you are here to vent, fine. Question: what are you going to do about it? Where are you going to start? What's the big idea?

[eye of the storm]

This is classic. Many people think abuse is getting slapped around (and it is). But it doesn't start that way. Who would stay in a relationship where on the first date they got smacked? It starts with grooming and control, then isolation.

 

Does it always lead to physical abuse? No. But the mental and emotional scars can last just as long.

 

He is acting like an a$$ when you talk to your son, it makes you not want to talk to your son because you don't like dealing with the fallout. So you talk to your son less. He wins. He doesn't like you having your own money so he throws a fit, you give him all your money. He wins.

 

You are not in a healthy relationship. You are in a controlling abusive one.

 

If you stay it will damage you. It will damage your son.

 

What are you going to do?

[autumnnight]

I urge you to go TODAY to the bank and get that money back into an account that is yours. This man is going to take over your entire life. Six months from now you will not be allowed to SEE your family, and you will have no access to any money.

 

Please fix the financial stuff today and get this man out of your life.

[candie13]

It's HIS bank account, I doubt she can do a THING about it. She's at his mercy.

[farmtomarket]

Well, he has given me a credit card to use. But just last night I discovered that he screwed up a business transaction for me. I had used that card to purchase something on fiverr. (A graphic) for a client's video. It was 120 dollars. My fiancé actually helped me place the transaction. This was a few weeks ago. Well he "forgot" and then reported it to fiverr as fraud. It locked my account and now I can't get the video delivered on time to the client.

 

When I got upset he told me I should have told him about the charge first. I said "YOU placed the order!" He said he doesn't ever remember that and I should have known better. And I need to do better business keeping skills.

 

Now I have to jump through hoops to get my old account back and unsuspended. It's a mess. And now my client is extremely angry I won't make deadline. All because I used the credit card. And even worse...HE placed the order for me because my computer wasn't working properly!!!

 

So if I charge something that he doesn't like... He reports it as fraud.

 

 

It's HIS bank account, I doubt she can do a THING about it. She's at his mercy.

[eye of the storm]

Still think this is not an abusive relationship?

[farmtomarket]

I see the control and issues surrounding that... But let me ask this. Can it be fixed? And why is it that I feel like it's impossible for me to leave? I love him despite this insanity.

 

Still think this is not an abusive relationship?

[eye of the storm]

No it cannot be fixed because it is his issue and he sees nothing wrong with his behavior.

 

You can leave but you choose to not leave because you are addicted to the highs and lows. Which by the way is just another of his training methods. If it always sucked you would just walk.

 

You love the idea of him. How can you truly love someone who wants you to dump your kid?

 

Word choice is like anything else. You say you cannot leave which is a lie. You can leave, you choose to stay.

[candie13]

I see the control and issues surrounding that... But let me ask this. Can it be fixed? And why is it that I feel like it's impossible for me to leave? I love him despite this insanity.

 

read about toxic relationships. I'll post a really good link for you, about gaslighting.

 

girl, you can kiss those 4K goodbye. Get all the money you can from him. FAST. Never EVER mix business with pleasure.

[misspond]

You've said that he helps you with your business/website etc, but if you read back some of the other posts you've made you'll see that this "help" is just about control as the story you told about the credit card and the graphic is in no way "helpful" to you at all.

 

And please do not let him separate you from your blood family, or indeed anyone else who might be able to help you and support you emotionally when you need it.

 

You ask, "can this be fixed?" It's not going to be able to be fixed. The only way you can "fix" this for yourself is to leave, go to a safe place and do not let him persuade you back. Ever.

[preraph]

You sound like the same person who moved to be with this control freak. But you won't ever do anything about it, so not sure why you keep asking. We've all told you he's bad and to run as fast as you can.

[farmtomarket]

Tonight we had horrible fight. He was angry I was planning to travel for one day to work in my son's town next week. My client pays me 8k a month. I have to spend one day in his office. My fiancé was angry Said his preference is no traveling. My son lives 2 hours away. It's my old town. It's where my clients are.

 

Now he says he doesn't feel I'm being fully transparent and that I'm doing "weird stuff" because I'm not letting him have full access to all my bank accounts.

 

He says that he thinks I am up to no good. And that I've got something up w my ex husband where I'm conspiring to marry him to take his money. Ummm he makes 250k. But he's in massive debt. He has no real money. And I am on track to make 150 w my biz this year. The job I have up? Paid 200. So I'm not doing any of that.

 

He just likes to pin me w everything. I literally started throwing things tonight. I was so angry at him. And so angry at myself. What have I done.

 

 

 

You've said that he helps you with your business/website etc, but if you read back some of the other posts you've made you'll see that this "help" is just about control as the story you told about the credit card and the graphic is in no way "helpful" to you at all.

 

And please do not let him separate you from your blood family, or indeed anyone else who might be able to help you and support you emotionally when you need it.

 

You ask, "can this be fixed?" It's not going to be able to be fixed. The only way you can "fix" this for yourself is to leave, go to a safe place and do not let him persuade you back. Ever.