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How strange am I? it bothers me til no end...I am seriously messed up


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loveflower

I have zero experience at my age...um certain age.

 

The things is, if I want to just have experience, I can have tons. In fact, I have turned down god knows how many men over my life. I think I am decent looking. In fact, I was told by a few men that I am sexy and have all the assets(but I am short, only 157cm).

 

The things is, I don't think I am asexual, actually I think far from that...I have desire, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I am very often frustrated. I am very unhappy I think.

 

I think I have only fell for 2-3 men in my life. I think I messed most of them up, because of shyness, stupidity, expectation, picky, clueless, insecurity never flirt, etc...the thing is the men I fell for seemed to show some interest but never really pursuit me.

 

There were men who were proactive with me, but I just can't imagine myself being intimate with them, so I distanced myself from them. What can I do? I can't have my firsts with men I don't really crazy about, right?

 

Maybe it's better I give some background about myself: I grew up in a traditional oriental culture. It seemed to me marriage is forever. Growing up, I only knew 1 case of divorce. I didn't really aware anybody who dated in my senior high school. Boys and girls generally keep a distance from each other in school. It seemed to me people should only date if they see the potential of marriage.

 

I moved to north america after high school. Everything I used to believe turned out to be just the opposite. How ironic life is? Life has been joking with me!

 

What also bothers me is that I don't think culture really explain my situation. I have met some girls from my home country, and some of them are even more loose than the girls here in North America. Maybe 1 or 2 decades are totally different generations and cultures already? or maybe I am just a slow learner and adapter? or maybe just my personality?

 

but anyhow, the bottom line is: how can I be with someone I am not really crazy about? maybe I am a very idealistic, spiritual and puritanical person.

 

Yes, I think I am really very puritanical. for example there is this one younger guy who said he was a model that I suspect probably like me, but I distance myself from him, because he told us he had had at least 2 digits of women before his last girlfriend. I have a hard time getting over a guy who had a long term girlfriend, not to mention a guy who used to sleep around. MM is unthinkable.

 

I have been bother by my situation for a long time, but I still don't know what to do with myself. Do I have to change my personality and perception?

 

HELP! How long can I hold on to such situation? I am quite 'remarkably strong' this way.

 

I have never revealed such intimate details of myself, not even to my 'closest' friends. So, LSers, please...I am really having tremendous faith here. What should I do?

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There is nothing wrong with being picky about whom you give yourself to!

 

People online may scoff at this, but in the real world you have to follow your own instincts and don't worry about being different. It's sad that we live in a society that celebrates freaks and shames those looking simply for true and lasting love. You won't respect yourself if you allow "peer pressure" to dictate your actions and go against what you believe at your core.

 

True, your pool of men greatly narrows the more morals/expectations you have, but on the bright side, the man you DO end up with who wants a girl like you would be a much better match.

 

There are still some very traditional people out there, probably every bit as frustrated as you and not knowing where to find a girl like you. Don't let yourself be bullied into conforming. Who cares what others think?

 

Good luck!

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loveflower
There is nothing wrong with being picky about whom you give yourself to!

 

People online may scoff at this, but in the real world you have to follow your own instincts and don't worry about being different. It's sad that we live in a society that celebrates freaks and shames those looking simply for true and lasting love. You won't respect yourself if you allow "peer pressure" to dictate your actions and go against what you believe at your core.

 

True, your pool of men greatly narrows the more morals/expectations you have, but on the bright side, the man you DO end up with who wants a girl like you would be a much better match.

 

There are still some very traditional people out there, probably every bit as frustrated as you and not knowing where to find a girl like you. Don't let yourself be bullied into conforming. Who cares what others think?

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the understanding and encouragement. but I think it is official that the kind of man I want doesn't exist, at least not for me. my social circle is very small, that doesn't help either.

 

don't know what's the solution to my problems...I think I have to compromise and settle...sad, but maybe the best alternative.

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mystikmind2005

Well yes you do have to stay true to yourself, but at some point if what you are doing is not working then perhaps you do need to reassess?

 

I find internet dating is good, and the site i found because someone here mentioned it 'POF' plenty of fish has options where you can put your dating intention be it casual, long term, even marriage!

 

But if your not experienced with that kind of thing, for women, there are allot of players to deal with. Men, we don't get that problem (except in our dreams, lol).

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There are quite a few posts on this forum that are similar to yours (from men as well), abd my gut reaction is akways this. The person posting about these types of issues tend to wall themselves up, making themselves unavailable when they actually want to be. Perhaps they are waiting for mr/mrs perfect to sweep them off their feet riding a unicorn, or they wall themselves uo because they fear making the wrong decision? You're not going to find the best person for you by putting uo a wall and not going on dates. You don't even know who you're rejecting.

 

I'd further add that these people are in denial about walling themselves up emotionally, which makes dealing with the issue even harder.

 

Not saying this is you, but it's my gut reaction.

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I think you're ok here...

 

I mean, it's good to be discerning and have "standards"...

 

But, what I don't get is you feeling you have to be out there with the herd - dating, hooking up - etc.

 

Also, what do you mean by "experience" you are trying to gain? Do you want sexual experience and/or "dating" experience?

 

If you seek sex, then why? I mean, whomever you have sex with right now - I gather the RL won't last (unless he's your husband) and then you're gonna get into another RL, have sex and go on and on until you rack up a few numbers. Is that what you want?

 

And, while you see people having sex all over the place - like others posted here on another thread - they're doing it cuz media and all that is brainwashing them that it's ok, but they really aren't doing it cuz they want sex and/or are enjoying it.

 

Besides, sex is better when you are with someone you actually give a hoot about - which brings me to my next point, which is: if you're seeking experience in dating/relating to men then nothing wrong with doing stuff with guys w/o sex and/or intimacy.

 

Shoot, that way you can really get to know dudes, feel comfy around them and get to know what you desire in a guy - so, when you meet who you know fits the bill, it's easy to date him w/o being shy. You also will have developed restraint and be able to get to know him so, if you decide you wanna get busy with him - it won't be "forced" and/or something you're just doing cuz everybody else is doing it...you're doing it cuz you are into him and wanna take it to the next level with him.

 

But, one thing about you concerns me - you sound a lot like me. When a guy pursues me, I sorta get turned off and/or question his motives...I feel more comfy when "I" pursue the guy - but like you, usually the guys I decide to pursue have little/no interest...go figure.

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Arieswoman

loveflower,

first of all,

 

You are not seriously "messed up".

 

You are quite right to wait for intimacy when you are ready.

 

I would suggest you go out with guys as friends, go bowling, go to the pictures/movies, go to shows, museums, art galleries, concerts, watch sport. Join clubs where people have the same interests as you. That way you can "network" and meet their friends and so it goes on.

 

Never sell yourself short and stick to your principles.

 

When I was single and dating I set the bar very high. It took me a long time to find my second husband, but it was worth the wait.

 

Good luck and keep dating ! x

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Hey, I was thinking about the best way to illustrate my point and was reminded of this movie: "Teddy Bear"

 

http:// http://m.imdb.com/title/tt1729226/

 

This movie is kinda long and a bit emotional to watch, but pretty much when the bodybuilder goes to Thailand, he has all these chicks throwing themselves at him and his buddies are all cool with it...but, he holds out and meets the coolest chick - who also works out, has her own gym and is looking for love. They take things slow and I wish I could see more into their future in a sequel... :)

 

So, goes to show cuz everyone's on a certain bandwagon doesn't mean you have to jump on it too.

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You sound lost. The question that comes to my mind is: Did your parents love each other and act affectionate? If so, something else is going on with you. But if they were just together because it was arranged or for convenience or financial reasons, then you have no one to model after who knew how to be in a loving relationship. And you have to have a role model to know how to go about love and even WANT to love.

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OP, just in my short life I have seen the dating/relationship culture go through many changes, and not just in a single direction. I'm not going to break those shifts down here, but suffice it to say that the universe does oscillate around some equilibrium in all things, and there are always forces on either side of the equilibrium that will pull the status quo to one side or the other. (And I'm not saying that the equilibrium is the "proper" way for things to be. It's just what explains the push-pull of all of the forces in human interactions.)

 

What I am trying to say here is that there will always be two states in seeking companionship and/or carnal relations: the one inside your heart, and the one that is the perceived average of all of the attitudes in society (which is always subject to change). You can do very little to influence the latter; if it is burdensome for you to be very different from that societal condition, you can choose to get swept up in the tide whenever necessary (which is not necessarily a bad thing). Alternatively, you can be unfailingly true to whatever it is you feel in your heart and mind, and hold out for encountering those who feel similarly.

 

I have had a number of girlfriends, but they have all been very serious. I've never been one for flings or other transient types of encounters or relationships. And I have absolutely no problem being single when I just don't have anyone around that interests me.

 

The bottom line is be true to yourself, as long as you do no harm to others. Cultural and societal pressures mean absolutely nothing.

Edited by Palmeiras
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loveflower
You sound lost. The question that comes to my mind is: Did your parents love each other and act affectionate? If so, something else is going on with you. But if they were just together because it was arranged or for convenience or financial reasons, then you have no one to model after who knew how to be in a loving relationship. And you have to have a role model to know how to go about love and even WANT to love.

 

I don't know if my parents love each other...they do seem care about each other. their marriage was arranged. What is affection? I have never even seen them holding hands, or any intimate acts. They argue often, but they don't fight physically. my mom is very negative. She seems never agree with anything my dad does or even me. wow...what's love?

 

but I watch romantic novels and movies, so even though I don't have a role model, I should still know, right?

 

yeh, I think there is something going on with me too... I know I am insecure, not confident...that much I know I guess...still trying to figure out the rest...maybe luck play a huge part too

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loveflower
loveflower,

first of all,

 

You are not seriously "messed up".

 

You are quite right to wait for intimacy when you are ready.

 

I would suggest you go out with guys as friends, go bowling, go to the pictures/movies, go to shows, museums, art galleries, concerts, watch sport. Join clubs where people have the same interests as you. That way you can "network" and meet their friends and so it goes on.

 

Never sell yourself short and stick to your principles.

 

When I was single and dating I set the bar very high. It took me a long time to find my second husband, but it was worth the wait.

 

Good luck and keep dating ! x

 

yes. but the problem is I am running out of time...life is passing me by...life is short.

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loveflower

 

The bottom line is be true to yourself, as long as you do no harm to others. Cultural and societal pressures mean absolutely nothing.

 

that might mean I will be single and alone forever though

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loveflower

But, one thing about you concerns me - you sound a lot like me. When a guy pursues me, I sorta get turned off and/or question his motives...I feel more comfy when "I" pursue the guy - but like you, usually the guys I decide to pursue have little/no interest...go figure.

 

no guy I have been crazy about really pursued me...all they did was to make me wonder if they really like me.

 

I don't pursue guys. I am traditional.

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