Jonp219 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) Being my exes first I sometimes get these thoughts of her having sex with other men, and it just bothers the hell out of me. Like even if we were to meet sometime in the future like 2-5 years down the line and get back together, I don't think I would take her back knowing she had sex with other men. I felt the sex me and her had was intimate and amazing, and it hurts knowing another man will experience that. The sexual chemistry was just out of this world and she was into all my kinks and stuff. I don't believe my sex life will ever get better than that. My question is where do these thoughts generate from? I have friends who have told me that these thoughts don't bother them that much, even after a break-up. They always tell me "It's just sex". Just sex, it really JUST sex? Is it because I took away her virginity? Is it because I'm sexually inexperienced for my age? I would really like to know the root of these concerns. I don't know why it's the MAIN reason I'm still hurting. Edited July 4, 2015 by Jonp219 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 It's because you are not over her yet! That's why! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 You better get over it because virgins are few and far between, odds are your next girlfriend is going to have some mileage on her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 It's because you are not over her yet! That's why! I know I'm not, but I feel like it's something else. That bothers me more than the relationship ending itself. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I don't know. I sometimes get a vision of my ex wife having sex with another man and all that goes through my mind is better him then me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't know. I sometimes get a vision of my ex wife having sex with another man and all that goes through my mind is better him then me. Maybe you've reached the point of indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 You better get over it because virgins are few and far between, odds are your next girlfriend is going to have some mileage on her. That's true Wizer. However does it matter? Because I hear some guys say they wouldn't sleep with a girl if they knew she slept with a significant amount of men in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'd say you did pretty well at answering your question. Yes to the virginity aspect and yes to the lower level of experience aspect and yes to 'intimate and amazing sex' ex aspect as well. Its not an issue for me but was a little with one particular ex that I was crazy for when I was younger. Its something you dwell on a little when you are single and a little lonely and there is still a big void left after the breakup. I'm sure these thoughts will fade when you find another gf. Hopefully you get to experience the same intensity & connection again with your next gf, otherwise your feelings for your exes might still linger. You'll have to realize as you get older that your future gfs could well have slept with numerous men before you (some of whom may have experienced more passion from her than you do) and likewise you can't dwell on that either as it just takes away from the enjoyment of living life in the moment. I cant tell you how to block these feelings currently, beyond focusing on finding a new gf or having fun dating around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 That's true Wizer. However does it matter? Because I hear some guys say they wouldn't sleep with a girl if they knew she slept with a significant amount of men in her life. You need to figure out a way to deal with this obsession over being a 1 dick per pussy sort of guy because it's unrealistic. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 OK, so, you derived a great deal from this relationship and felt the sex was amazing and the loss of virginity special. But now it is over. Why? Because for whatever reason, some parts of that were obviously not a two-way street. If you try to rationalize this away, you are kidding yourself. So first, you should remember that the levels of interest in and satisfaction with whatever you two were doing were not equivalent. She's apparently gone of her own volition, and that should definitely take some sheen off of those moments of bliss that you cherish. Second, when she does sleep with another guy, that is going to be HER CHOICE, and from the sound of it she is going to make the choice to be with someone else before you do. That is going to be the moment that she permanently discards whatever the two of you had (in terms of it being in the present of her life), and trust me, she's not going to be worried about how you feel about some other guy getting with her. If anything, that should make you want to get away from her and from those thoughts. End of. It's always easier said than done when looking at it from a distance, but man, billions of people have been through something like this. Deal with it, cultivate a little indignation inside yourself, and start moving towards the next enterprise. Worrying about her life or who she chooses to be with is a big freakin' waste of your neuron impulses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'd say you did pretty well at answering your question. Yes to the virginity aspect and yes to the lower level of experience aspect and yes to 'intimate and amazing sex' ex aspect as well. Its not an issue for me but was a little with one particular ex that I was crazy for when I was younger. Its something you dwell on a little when you are single and a little lonely and there is still a big void left after the breakup. I'm sure these thoughts will fade when you find another gf. Hopefully you get to experience the same intensity & connection again with your next gf, otherwise your feelings for your exes might still linger. You'll have to realize as you get older that your future gfs could well have slept with numerous men before you (some of whom may have experienced more passion from her than you do) and likewise you can't dwell on that either as it just takes away from the enjoyment of living life in the moment. I cant tell you how to block these feelings currently, beyond focusing on finding a new gf or having fun dating around. Ugh, that's what I'm afraid of... It's funny how the mind works. Not going to lie it hurts A LOT less today than it did 4 months ago. But my mind is still stuck on that, "you'll never find better" stage. Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 And also: The thoughts do generate from the relationship not being over for you like it was for her. Well then, now what? Life's not over, man (unless you want it to be). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 OK, so, you derived a great deal from this relationship and felt the sex was amazing and the loss of virginity special. But now it is over. Why? Because for whatever reason, some parts of that were obviously not a two-way street. If you try to rationalize this away, you are kidding yourself. So first, you should remember that the levels of interest in and satisfaction with whatever you two were doing were not equivalent. She's apparently gone of her own volition, and that should definitely take some sheen off of those moments of bliss that you cherish. Second, when she does sleep with another guy, that is going to be HER CHOICE, and from the sound of it she is going to make the choice to be with someone else before you do. That is going to be the moment that she permanently discards whatever the two of you had (in terms of it being in the present of her life), and trust me, she's not going to be worried about how you feel about some other guy getting with her. If anything, that should make you want to get away from her and from those thoughts. End of. It's always easier said than done when looking at it from a distance, but man, billions of people have been through something like this. Deal with it, cultivate a little indignation inside yourself, and start moving towards the next enterprise. Worrying about her life or who she chooses to be with is a big freakin' waste of your neuron impulses. I mean she did enjoy just as much as I did lol. She even said it after we broke up, that's one of the things she's going to miss the most. She's not possessive which it's probably why it's easier for her to let go of all that. The problems in the relationship came from fighting and inner conflicts within myself. But yeah, it doesn't matter anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Well, if you didn't do what was needed to keep her and she's moved on, how can you hold it against her for being intimate with others? I have a sinking feeling myself sometimes about my current situation...dude doesn't wanna get with me, but when he "suspects" I have moved on I can catch him staring and stuff and I'm like "WTF/WTH"? He doesn't want me and will never want to get with me, so does he seriously expect me to sit around and just fantasize about him? I have and am making efforts to find someone and when I do, it will be hard for me to be intimate with them cuz I'm gonna be worried about how it's gonna bother him. But why should it bother me that I would bother him? Worst, it's not like he's sitting around waiting on me. He's having sex and getting with other women all the live-long day and isn't worried if it bothers me. So, in bizarro world if one day we ever have the opportunity to cross paths far in the future and actually may try to get together - like in your OP, you alluded to. Then he has no right to be upset with me. I gave him a ton of opportunities to get with me and he turned all of them down. Worst, he gave me nothing to preserve myself for. I mean, I can't even have a two sentence convo with dude w/o him pretending like he can't hear me and/or acting aloof. So, IMO, if she and I have a right to move on...get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 And also: The thoughts do generate from the relationship not being over for you like it was for her. Well then, now what? Life's not over, man (unless you want it to be). It's not, but it sure feels like it sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Well, if you didn't do what was needed to keep her and she's moved on, how can you hold it against her for being intimate with others? I have a sinking feeling myself sometimes about my current situation...dude doesn't wanna get with me, but when he "suspects" I have moved on I can catch him staring and stuff and I'm like "WTF/WTH"? He doesn't want me and will never want to get with me, so does he seriously expect me to sit around and just fantasize about him? I have and am making efforts to find someone and when I do, it will be hard for me to be intimate with them cuz I'm gonna be worried about how it's gonna bother him. But why should it bother me that I would bother him? Worst, it's not like he's sitting around waiting on me. He's having sex and getting with other women all the live-long day and isn't worried if it bothers me. So, in bizarro world if one day we ever have the opportunity to cross paths far in the future and actually may try to get together - like in your OP, you alluded to. Then he has no right to be upset with me. I gave him a ton of opportunities to get with me and he turned all of them down. Worst, he gave me nothing to preserve myself for. I mean, I can't even have a two sentence convo with dude w/o him pretending like he can't hear me and/or acting aloof. So, IMO, if she and I have a right to move on...get over it. Easier said than done. Besides this guy is just a guy, he's not your boyfriend, you didn't spend years with him. I'm assuming that since you didn't give him a label. It's a little harder when you deal with it in regards to a past love. Of course I should of done better. Maybe the pain I'm feeling is my subconscious taking it's frustrations out on me. Who knows where this comes from... But yeah, it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Sometimes, it does feel terrible. It does, especially when this stuff is new for someone. Me personally, during the first really awful break-up I had way back when, I responded rather rashly by using my energy and wrath to make a major change in my life. Without going into detail, suffice it to say that I would likely have never properly "found" myself without that change. These things are powerful, but they are not the central purpose of life. Trust in the notion that by cultivating and forging your own person, you will be brought to the junctures where you will encounter people that are even better for you. Really. It is slightly cliche, but thinking that way and acting on it can help you get through these things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Sometimes, it does feel terrible. It does, especially when this stuff is new for someone. Me personally, during the first really awful break-up I had way back when, I responded rather rashly by using my energy and wrath to make a major change in my life. Without going into detail, suffice it to say that I would likely have never properly "found" myself without that change. These things are powerful, but they are not the central purpose of life. Trust in the notion that by cultivating and forging your own person, you will be brought to the junctures where you will encounter people that are even better for you. Really. It is slightly cliche, but thinking that way and acting on it can help you get through these things. Believe me I've changed. I've seen myself in the mirror too many times to not notice it. I don't feel like I'm the same person I was in the beginning of the year. My attitude has changed immensely, I try to avoid conflict as much as I can, and most of the time I feel humbled. I didn't think one could go so many months straight being unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yep, no, can't say I have that feeling. My ex husband and I were firsts and I have NO issues with him having sex with someone else/his wife. More power to her I say and wishing them the best between the sheets. How do you feel about YOU having sex with someone else? Why not work on focusing on yourself and not her. You need to start retraining your brain to focus on you. She isn't part of your life now and you need to move past her. I know it is hard but there are things you can do to start the process. Get involved in your life and start investing there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Easier said than done. Besides this guy is just a guy, he's not your boyfriend, you didn't spend years with him. I'm assuming that since you didn't give him a label. It's a little harder when you deal with it in regards to a past love. Of course I should of done better. Maybe the pain I'm feeling is my subconscious taking it's frustrations out on me. Who knows where this comes from... But yeah, it is what it is. My point exactly, he isn't my bf/husband/SO - nothing....So, if and when I start sleeping with someone, I am expecting him to just deal with it. But, like I said, I've put him to a "test" and even w/o my one or two "tests", I've seen him stare a bit and stuff if he suspects I'm pulling away and/or have "company". But in your case, since you were with her for years and actually in a RL and it didn't work, still, how can you be upset on the fact that she moved on when you had years and were in the position (being her bf) to "claim" her (or like Beyonce says 'put a ring on it')? We're human and yes, I guess the thoughts will be there - but I hope you don't villify her when all she's doing is living life - especially when you didn't do enough to keep her. I also hope this isn't a case of you actually regretting losing "her" or if you're more worried about your ego here rather than her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 (edited) especially when you didn't do enough to keep her. This is the other thing that the OP has to consider. If he can admit to himself that he didn't do enough to keep her, then he has something to go forward on. That's a point of focus, and also a good way to accept that the relationship is done for a reason. On the other hand, if he believes that he really did do enough to keep her, well, does he really want to be with someone that doesn't truly appreciate him? Either way, it's over, and this is ammunition for him to use to emancipate himself from it. That's all I've got. Edited July 5, 2015 by Palmeiras 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 My point exactly, he isn't my bf/husband/SO - nothing....So, if and when I start sleeping with someone, I am expecting him to just deal with it. But, like I said, I've put him to a "test" and even w/o my one or two "tests", I've seen him stare a bit and stuff if he suspects I'm pulling away and/or have "company". But in your case, since you were with her for years and actually in a RL and it didn't work, still, how can you be upset on the fact that she moved on when you had years and were in the position (being her bf) to "claim" her (or like Beyonce says 'put a ring on it')? We're human and yes, I guess the thoughts will be there - but I hope you don't villify her when all she's doing is living life - especially when you didn't do enough to keep her. I also hope this isn't a case of you actually regretting losing "her" or if you're more worried about your ego here rather than her. A ring wasn't going to change ****. Her parents aren't married and they're still together, trust me, marriage wasn't very important to us it was more about being together. Beside, she was emotionally immature and way behind in everything. Even if I gave her a ring we wouldn't be able to get married for at least another 4-5 years, she would of left me anyway. Anyway, it's about both. It's about losing her and my ego, but mainly it's about my ego. My OP is specifically target towards my feelings. I just want to know how to alleviate these feelings since I'm having such a hard time dealing with it. I refuse to be as a vilified for what happened between us. Trust me, I do a pretty good job of that on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Yep, no, can't say I have that feeling. My ex husband and I were firsts and I have NO issues with him having sex with someone else/his wife. More power to her I say and wishing them the best between the sheets. How do you feel about YOU having sex with someone else? Why not work on focusing on yourself and not her. You need to start retraining your brain to focus on you. She isn't part of your life now and you need to move past her. I know it is hard but there are things you can do to start the process. Get involved in your life and start investing there. I do that everyday and it makes me feel so much better. It's my ideal woman, but all of it is in my head it isn't real. Plus it's difficult for me to have casual sex since I'm one of those lames who needs to feel something for the person before being able to have sex with them (it's one of the things I hate about myself). Where I live it's more centered around the hookup culture and i'm just not interested. So it's going to be a while before I regain any confidence with the opposite sex, let alone forget about 'her'. Link to post Share on other sites
Palmeiras Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I don't think Gloria is really criticizing you or how you handled things. Rings are just symbolic constructs anyway; they have nothing to do with true and lasting commitment that comes from within. Just, y'know, be honest about why this ended. If it was because of you, then you can control that going forward. And if it was because of her, well, you shouldn't put any stock in her sleeping with other guys because she just didn't value you like you think she did. The latter should actually piss you off. Anger can be healthy if channeled properly. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 A ring wasn't going to change ****. Her parents aren't married and they're still together, trust me, marriage wasn't very important to us it was more about being together. Beside, she was emotionally immature and way behind in everything. Even if I gave her a ring we wouldn't be able to get married for at least another 4-5 years, she would of left me anyway. Anyway, it's about both. It's about losing her and my ego, but mainly it's about my ego. My OP is specifically target towards my feelings. I just want to know how to alleviate these feelings since I'm having such a hard time dealing with it. I refuse to be as a vilified for what happened between us. Trust me, I do a pretty good job of that on my own. Well, you asked us where these feelings are coming from and from your post above ^^ I believe you know/knew what it was... Since it is ego, then just let it go...Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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