Jump to content

Food sharing/fridge wars


Recommended Posts

So I was wondering how other couples do it:

 

My ex used to bring a lot of snacks over whenever he was around.

He used to expect that the snacks would still be there, the next time he came.

He got upset if I ate it all. He wanted me to either leave half of everything to him, or to replace what he had brought.

 

I found this rule idiotic, and we truly had major fights about this. I'm not like that at all about food, whatever is in my fridge, was his and mine. He could eat what he wanted, I don't care about stuff like that. If I have to go buy some more, I will. I don't care about things like that. But he didn't like the food I had. Because I tried to only buy healthy things, fruit and veggies, as I as always trying to lose weight. He was bringing the tasty snacks such as candy, yoghurt and fried stuff.

 

Like really...huge fights. Huge.

 

I was a food addict, I have to admit. I was (still am though trying to lose weight), overweight and would eat everything I could get my hands on in a binge. This is something I couldn't help. He thought this was rediculous to say, and told me: "I'm overweight too, but you don't see me going around eating everything that's there". I found this really insulting. He didn't respect me and my addiction. He thought it was all about "self control". Well *******, if I had self control, I wouldn't have become overweight right?

 

Anyway, I want to know if this is a common thing. Food addict or not.

Edited by SerCay
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yea, it is common. And not just for food.

 

It might bother me a bit if my SO regularly expected my place to be his at will pantry. If that particular food item was so important, then he can take it home with him. Why can't he take it with him?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2
So I was wondering how other couples do it:

 

My ex used to bring a lot of snacks over whenever he was around.

He used to expect that the snacks would still be there, the next time he came.

He got upset if I ate it all.

I'd be upset too, frankly...

 

 

He wanted me to either leave half of everything to him, or to replace what he had brought.

Pretty normal. That would be considerate...

 

whatever is in my fridge, was his and mine.

NHis AND yours. Not his OR yours. If it belongs to both of you, then surely you go halves...?

... But he didn't like the food I had. Because I tried to only buy healthy things, fruit and veggies, as I as always trying to lose weight. He was bringing the tasty snacks such as candy, yoghurt and fried stuff.

 

...Which you promptly ate.... so much for your healthy things fruit and veggies... :rolleyes:

 

If you were hungry, why didn't you eat those instead? There's no point buying healthy things if you then ignore them for foodstuffs which are nothing of the kind, are not ALL yours, and you eat the lot, then expect him to eat your stuff when he already says he doesn't like it!!

 

Like really...huge fights. Huge.
I have to say, I'm erring on his side of the argument...

 

 

I was a food addict, I have to admit. I was (still am though trying to lose weight), overweight and would eat everything I could get my hands on in a binge. This is something I couldn't help.

I used to be the same.

You have to get treatment for this, or find what works and stick to it.

Let me give you one sound word of advice from someone who's been there, done that and knows:

 

DIETS. DON'T. WORK.

 

He thought this was rediculous to say, and told me: "I'm overweight too, but you don't see me going around eating everything that's there". I found this really insulting. He didn't respect me and my addiction

Well, first of all, it's accurate, and secondly, YOU don't respect your addiction, why should he?

 

I expect you hate yourself during AND after you over-eat. You are consumed by something like, distaste...? Revulsion....? Self-loathing...? Anger at your loss of self-control...? There's not a hint of self-respect there....

 

You can't entirely blame him if he feels the same.

 

He thought it was all about "self control". Well *******, if I had self control, I wouldn't have become overweight right?

I'm afraid he's right. The only way you can over-come an addiction is to acknowledge that it is stronger than you are. Then, find a way to combat it, until you begin to control IT. Self-Control is precisely what it's all about. (

 

Anyway, I want to know if this is a common thing. Food addict or not.

I'm not sure precisely what you're asking about, here, but if you mean his getting irate because you keep eating all of his (unhealthy) snacks, but telling him he's perfectly at liberty to eat all your healthy food - which you bought, as a way of disciplining yourself to have a better attitude and relationship to, and with, food - then yes. It's common for someone to get annoyed if you do the very things you said you wouldn't. That is, not eat unhealthy food, but stick to the healthy stuff like fruit and veggies....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have actually acknowledged to myself and spoken it out to him, that my addiction was beyond my control. He answered that it being out of my control was BS, and that I was selfish, period.

 

He knew I was trying to eat healthy but kept bringing snacks in....and then get angry because of my "lack of self control" for eating it when he was not around.

 

While in a normal situation, I might have been able to understand. I say might, because I'm totally different. I'm the kind of person that never gets upset if someone eats "my" food. But I would have respected his wishes, if that is who he is. In this situation, I reflect a lack of support from his side.

 

I believe now that he didn't respect me. He thought an eating addiction was BS....

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can see how he'd feel taken advantage of if he's the only one buying the foods that both of you eat. If my SO were the only one who paid for drinks or the only one who bought the wine that we both drank, I could see how he'd start to feel like I wasn't reciprocating. It wouldn't help that I always had water and coffee and iced tea available if we only drink the wine.

 

If you two went out on dinner dates each week and you never paid for dinner but always took both doggie bags home, I'd think any guy would start to feel like you were taking advantage.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2
I have actually acknowledged to myself and spoken it out to him, that my addiction was beyond my control.

If you really feel this, then are you getting professional support? Therapy? Counselling?

 

He answered that it being out of my control was BS, and that I was selfish, period.

It's difficult for others to understand the difficulty - but to say it's beyond your control, is actually untrue.

That's giving in and stating that an emotional response of yours, is stronger than you are - but that's actually meaningless - because you have created that emotional response. It's within you. And as such, ultimately controllable...

 

He knew I was trying to eat healthy but kept bringing snacks in....and then get angry because of my "lack of self control" for eating it when he was not around.

He's right. It's not his responsibility to exercise YOUR self-control for you.

 

While in a normal situation, I might have been able to understand. I say might, because I'm totally different. I'm the kind of person that never gets upset if someone eats "my" food. But I would have respected his wishes, if that is who he is. In this situation, I reflect a lack of support from his side.
He can't 'support' something he can't understand.

But if you were to seek professional help, this could help you fight temptation a lot better. He sees your eating his food as a lack of effort...

 

I believe now that he didn't respect me. He thought an eating addiction was BS....

 

As I said, if you have little or no self-respect, then you can't expect him to exercise the same control.

 

My H has just come home with a kebab.

I love kebabs.

I'm losing weight.

He's offered me some.

 

You know how tempting that is....

 

I said no.

 

You must learn to say 'No.' And mean it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think one must show consideration to others...

 

My dead sister was not only built like a brickhouse, but overweight. She didn't care who's stuff was in the fridge, she'd eat it. She was also selfish in other areas too. When her "husband" lived with us, whenever food was cooked - she'd make sure she served both of them heaping piles of food - although it was my sister and I who busted our arses to have money to buy food and either my mum or sister cooked (she never cooked, cleaned, etc. I even used to wash her baby's kids clothings cuz she'd just let them sit in a big nasty pile in the house).

 

My mum and I share a home now and for a while now. If I see that the last pack of let's say "peanuts" is there, I'll leave it for her. That's what you do when you care for others - you show consideration. I just don't eat, eat, and I'll replace it when I get to it.

 

In turn, what does she do? She also leaves stuff for me. Like the other day she bought some cookies. I didn't want any, but I've noticed for a few days a cookie is there and she told me that she left it for me (even though I never asked her to).

 

When I go grocery shopping - even though she'll replace stuff she wants/eats, if I see she's getting low, I'll just get it for her. Again, I'm showing consideration.

 

That's what two people do for each other who consider each other do....

Link to post
Share on other sites
loveweary11

People don't even share food in a relationship now?

 

Wow!

 

I shared 100% of my money with my ex wife, nevermind food.

 

We took great joy in making each other treats and meals. The kitchen was always stocked with leftovers, freshly baked cookies, you name it.

 

People should share food if in a relationship.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
lollipopspot

I understand where you're coming from. If he wants to keep his treats, he needs to take them back and not store them at your house.

 

It's not that easy to fix this kind of food addiction, and it's not necessarily debilitating. The easiest solution for people who have this problem is to not have temptations in the house, because you can't be strong all the time (that's along the lines of don't go shopping when you're hungry, if you have an issue with junk food).

 

I used to have a huge sweet tooth. If we had chocolate in the house I would eat it. My bf didn't mind. But I just knew if it was there that I would find my way to it.

 

At some point in my life my sweet tooth thankfully calmed down (don't know what happened, I think body chemistry or something), but in that earlier period I would have been like you. I still control myself by buying single portions when possible, because I don't want to go back to my old habits and mindlessly overindulge.

 

I know someone who has problems with food and weight and her husband keeps buying junk food and leaving it in the house. I don't think that's very supportive. It's just enjoyable food for him; for her it's a problem. She doesn't want it in the house, but has great difficulty controlling herself. It's not all that uncommon, and not that easy to fix this kind of addiction. Control it at front, at the level of temptation. It's like enabling an alcoholic. I know some people say the alcoholic should get help rather than the partner not having alcohol around the house, but I don't agree. The non alcoholic should be supportive, I think.

 

Tell him if he leaves food there, you'll probably eat it. If he wants it for himself, take it back when he leaves. Simple.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I understand where you're coming from. If he wants to keep his treats, he needs to take them back and not store them at your house.

 

It's not that easy to fix this kind of food addiction, and it's not necessarily debilitating. The easiest solution for people who have this problem is to not have temptations in the house, because you can't be strong all the time (that's along the lines of don't go shopping when you're hungry, if you have an issue with junk food).

 

I used to have a huge sweet tooth. If we had chocolate in the house I would eat it. My bf didn't mind. But I just knew if it was there that I would find my way to it.

 

At some point in my life my sweet tooth thankfully calmed down (don't know what happened, I think body chemistry or something), but in that earlier period I would have been like you. I still control myself by buying single portions when possible, because I don't want to go back to my old habits and mindlessly overindulge.

 

I know someone who has problems with food and weight and her husband keeps buying junk food and leaving it in the house. I don't think that's very supportive. It's just enjoyable food for him; for her it's a problem. She doesn't want it in the house, but has great difficulty controlling herself. It's not all that uncommon, and not that easy to fix this kind of addiction. Control it at front, at the level of temptation. It's like enabling an alcoholic. I know some people say the alcoholic should get help rather than the partner not having alcohol around the house, but I don't agree. The non alcoholic should be supportive, I think.

 

Tell him if he leaves food there, you'll probably eat it. If he wants it for himself, take it back when he leaves. Simple.

 

THANK YOU Exactly my thoughts/feelings, nothing I can add.

 

And also, to love weary...I did share everything with him. My house, my food, my stuff, he could use/have whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. It was him that didn't like sharing his food with me. The food that he left at my place, was food he either left over, or things he didn't get to eat at that particular night he was at my place.

 

I also opted him to take his snacks back when he went home the next day, so that he would be sure I wouldn't eat it. His response was always: I'm not gonna carry a bag of snacks back and forth, I have the same snacks at home.

Edited by SerCay
Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like neither one of you were respecting the other's wishes. He wasn't respecting yours by bring in food you were trying to avoid, and you for not leaving it off limits.

 

So sounds like a good discussion piece for the both of you.

 

I am married and so obviously we do share food but we each have treats that are just "mine/his" and we don't want others to eat. We hide them from the kids as well. :laugh:

 

I understand, prior to this pregnancy I had a big sugar addiction so needed/wanted to have candy around. It is less of an issue now since I don't crave sugar so I don't care what is here any more.

 

It is an ebb and flow for us, I make sure we have the food everyone needs and the treats we want and we try and respect each other on said treats. Hubby has his "cheesy puffs" that he loves and is very unhappy if someone finished the last bag without his knowledge. :laugh:

 

So speak to him about respecting each other's needs and wants and this is a great example for you two to use.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is where being a picky eater has its perks. I won't touch your food and you won't touch mine.

 

Don't come between a man and his meal. :D

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
lollipopspot
It sounds like neither one of you were respecting the other's wishes. He wasn't respecting yours by bring in food you were trying to avoid, and you for not leaving it off limits.

 

I honestly think it's just too hard in practice for someone with a real food addiction/compulsive eating issue to leave his food off limits if it's in the house. It has to start first with not having the temptation around.

 

I know the responses that will come - "well then she should get help" etc., but help isn't immediate, and sometimes it never works. Sometimes just controlling the environment is the only immediate and sure thing. This is probably a deep seated issue for her, with a strong biochemical component - and I don't think it's about respect for him, but she just needs support in getting the temptations out of the immediate vicinity until she can (one hopes) change her habits.

 

I don't think this is anything close to other issues of "sharing resources." Food issues are a real problem for some people.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, I've asked him multiple times to just NOT bring food over. He used to joke that he would just stay at home then if he couldn't snack while watching a movie...

Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2

SerCay, this is going to be long: Grab a drink, sit, and read.... :D...

 

Oh dear.

You don't only have a food problem then.

You also have a BF problem.

 

Not that I'm trying to lead you or anything, but the best way to get rid of the tempting food, is to get rid of the not-so-tempting BF.

 

 

Did I "say" that 'out loud'...?

OOps, I think I did....

 

While I still maintain that it DOES take self control, and convincing yourself that YOU are stronger than your addiction, it's important to have frank, honest and open talks with those around us so that they will support and accompany us on our journey.

I mentioned that my H brought home a kebab.

Let me add.

 

He called me while he was out, and told me he was doing this.

In addition, he asked,

 

"Do you want one?" (No, thanks though.)

"Will you want a bit of mine?" (Of course I will! But I really don't want it! So don't give me any! :D)

"Do you mind if I bring it home?" (No, sure, go ahead....)

 

Forewarned is forearmed.

 

I can understand now, from your perspective that your guy is being a bit of a jerk.

I think you mentioned earlier on that he too, is overweight?

 

Well, look at it this way: When you conquer your addiction, manage to lose the weight, and look as stunning outside as you obviously are inside - why not just ask him to not come round any more - and resolve in your mind to NOT be like him?

I fail to see any attraction if he refuses to look after himself, disrespects you, and refuses to be supportive of you.

 

I lost my weight by logging into a website called 'my fitness pal' (There are actually no spaces between the words and after the final full stop/period, there's the word 'com'..) which helps you log everything you eat and counts the nutritive ingredients and calories.

 

Secondly, the thing that worked well for me - and is still working now, is the 5:2 regime.

I refuse to call it a diet.

It's NOT a diet.

It's about developing a whole new, healthy, constructive attitude to food, and the effects it has on our bodies.

It's about eating in a way that gives us the best of all possible worlds, without having to necessarily sacrifice the things we love.

The original regime was honed, experimented with and perfected by a Doctor, Michael Mosley and a dietician, journalist, author and food writer, Mimi Spencer.

 

Research it thoroughly for yourself.

Don't take my word for it.

Read up on everything you can about these guys, and get the books, either from your library, or Amazon. They're worth the read.

 

I would add that the link given in Michael Mosley's profile, for the 5:2 diet is not hugely complimentary.

But it does add that you should, if you decide to 'go for it' consult a doctor or dietician.

This is also recommended in the book for the same regime, time and again.

The important thing for you (as I found for myself too) is to adapt it safely and sensibly for yourself.

 

Initially, what I decided to do, after a lot of reading and research, was to gradually cut down the intake for the 5 days, but I initially increased the calorific intake for the 2 'fasting' days. So I reduced my calorie intake for the 5 days, to 1,500 calories, (from 'going through the roof' figures!) but ate 750 calories on the two fast days.

 

Now, I find that sometimes, during the 5 days, I can eat only around 900 calories, one day, but the following day, I consume nearly 2000.... this is never deliberate. It''s just the way it turns out. I have developped a different, healthier personal relationship with food....

 

On the two fasting days (which are rarely the same 2 weeks running - it depends on my schedule!) I occasionally find I just stick to fluids, like home-made fruit juices, healthy smoothies, or just water, or herbal tea.

 

Please, please research all this for yourself. Do NOT just take my word for it, or latch onto it out of desperation.... although you may well find it lights bulbs in your mind.

Read up on it, consult your doctor, and do what works for you.

 

And ditch the BF. (Oooops, oh dear....! I said it again!!)

 

Good luck! Keep in touch and let us know how you progress!

Edited by TaraMaiden2
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2

I also meant to add (as if that wasn't enough!!) that I try to be 'mindful' during my meals.

I love the food I eat, but I eat slowly. I count 30 chews or more, for each mouthful I eat (obviously it varies according to the consistency of the food... mashed potato doesn't actually need chewing, so I eat some of it on the same forkful as something that does! Hard-boiled eggs are ok after 15 chews...) and I never put food in my mouth, while there is still any remnant of the last mouthful in there...

 

I sip water during a meal.

 

Your stomach digestive juices contain hydrochloric acid.

If you drink too much water during a meal, you dilute this acid, and digestion takes much longer, so that maybe, while you eat a snack some time later, part of your previous meal is still awaiting digestion.

Drink too little, and you may experience some constipation...

 

In between meals, you should drink plenty of water, though....

 

Try not to have other distractions while eating (TV, a book) because then you aren't focused on the flavours, textures and variety of the good stuff in front of you.

 

Enjoy your meal.

Prepare it lovingly for yourself, and mentally thank it for helping you become the 'you' you personally wish to be.

 

Sounds dumb, but try to think of the associated labour and effort made to bring your food to your plate, from the initial conception, and manufacture, processing and packing, by countless faceless individuals....Where did your food begin?

How did it finally end up on your dish?

 

All these thoughts show 'gratitude'.

And ultimately, you need to be grateful to yourself, for caring enough to want to make a difference, to YOU.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas

Just because you're a sex addict for example..doesn't give you the right to rape someone for example or take advantage of them to have sex, there has to be a degree of self-control somewhere regardless of your issues, a line in the sand...having an addiction doesn't equate to being completely irresponsible for your actions/behavior and justifying everything through that.

 

I see your behavior as disrespectful and out of control, not because you eat and share food together but because you wipe out all the food he brought over for himself to have a snack here and there, you won't just eat portion or half even, you wipe out the whole thing and then say sorry, it's my "food addiction".

 

It's not very pleasant when you go for a snack but it's completely gone because your SO ate it all and left you nothing, and does so on a regular basis, that's just rude. Why would anyone eat all of something they know is someone else's? that's just not how I was raised I guess you could say.

 

Your food addiction doesn't stop you from having a conscience, driving to the store and replacing the food, which you said yourself was enough to do...it also doesn't prevent you from being respectful of someone else's property...whether it be their private snacks or not. You're not married and you're still learning to respect each others personal boundaries, whatever those may be.

 

I come from the line of thought that you should be respectful of someone's personal space/belongings..I will use common sense and always ask or be respectful of using someone else's personal whatever it is.

 

In a relationship, it may mean you're sharing 80 to 90 percent of things...but it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice everything you own and possess to this other person, you are still entitled to privacy and personal space, it's about respecting someones individual space.

 

It's also just common sense and courtesy when you recognize someone go out of their way to buy particular food they like and that they will look forward to eating at a later time...

 

For example, if I knew my GF eats cereal everything morning, and this is her routine, this is something she does on a regular basis...but I basically in a furious binge, ended up eating all of the cereal (her cereal she likes and always eats) and drinking up all of the milk so when she gets up in the morning to eat her breakfast it's all gone because I ate it when there was plenty of it...that to me, is f@cked up.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do that...if I noticed that there was only a little cereal left especially; albeit we share it...and only a little milk, I'm not going to wipe those things out the night before because of an irresponsible eating binge as if there is nobody else in the house and then "surprise" her the next day by letting her realize for herself that she's not going to have her breakfast after all. I know she's going to come looking for it, I know she's expecting it to be there because that's her routine.

 

To me this is about "sharing" and being "respectful"..it definitely doesn't sound like you share ANYTHING that is good to eat, and are completely baffled by the thought of having any personal responsibility and being respectful of your partners needs or wishes, even if it wasn't entirely "reasonable" to your standards...it's still his food, what he went out of his way to purchase it, and the fact of the matter is he probably wouldn't mind sharing it if you actually left him some but since you have an "addiction" that makes it OK for you to eat it all.

 

I don't see how people are justifying your behavior, you really expect your SO to feel so uncomfortable that they must take their food home or never leave anything behind because they should consider that essentially missing in action if they do? that's f@cked up, I get you have an addiction but like I said, if it were me I'd feel personally responsible for replacing the food...it's not my style or practice to get into other peoples belongings, whether living together or not...which you weren't even doing.

 

I've never had any problems in this area personally, but that's probably because I don't really buy personal snacks or sweets, or maybe my partners have just always been aware and considerate of what I like and I've been considerate of theirs, because I'd never go through their personal stash of goodies and wipe it all out without a conscience, that's just not how I would behave or expect someone I was with to behave or think life.

 

So yeah, this wouldn't be a relationship for me...it's one thing if it's a guest or company, they can have anything they'd like in the house...but for my SO to be inconsiderate of me by not making any effort to respect my feelings, and yet expects all the respect and understanding in return...yeah, not for me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

I can understand now, from your perspective that your guy is being a bit of a jerk.

I think you mentioned earlier on that he too, is overweight?

 

Well, look at it this way: When you conquer your addiction, manage to lose the weight, and look as stunning outside as you obviously are inside - why not just ask him to not come round any more - and resolve in your mind to NOT be like him?

I fail to see any attraction if he refuses to look after himself, disrespects you, and refuses to be supportive of you.

 

Good luck! Keep in touch and let us know how you progress!

 

Taramaiden thank you so much for the posts. I sat for it and read them twice. Lol yes I did. I appreciate the time you took to write it.

 

I'm going to read into the 5:2 method in a bit. I was thinking of trying the vegetable soup method? But if this is easier to keep up, I will do it. It has to be a smooth transition for me, as I've been trying to lose weight for so long now. I get tired with myself.

 

He's overweight too, yes, but not addicted to food. Also, he has the money to buy whatever he wants, every day. Truth be told I don't have that luxury. So I'm going to be extremely honest here, by saying that as a food addict, who tries to spend her money on veggies and fruits only, it's even harder for me to resist all his tasty bad snacks when I don't and can't buy my own.

 

What he also does is this: I like to eat my last supper around 5,6 o'clock. So that I don't have a full stomach when going to bed. He will usually hold out until 10, 11. Then come over to my place. And eat here. So. Hard.

 

Then when I tell him not to do that, because I can't resist, he, as I mentioned earlier, jokes that he just shouldn't come around anymore if he can't eat during a movie.

 

My eating improved a lot actually since we broke up. I'm not as tempted to eat late at night when he's not here with his food. And since I don't buy unhealthy snacks, I don't eat that either when he's not here.

 

I totally agree with you that it's disrespectful. He, on the other hand, just like Ninjapyjamas down here, thinks it's selfishness and that my addiction is not real.

 

But it is. And when I think about it, it was actually like this at my parent's house. My dad would eat my bag of crisps, and when I asked about it in the morning, my mom would tell me. I would be a little upset, and we would just go out and buy a new one. That's how I came to believe that it just isn't that big of a deal. Add that to my food addiction, which causes me to eat ALL of what I have in front of me and not being able to save a bit. Then you have me.

 

 

I also meant to add (as if that wasn't enough!!) that I try to be 'mindful' during my meals.

I love the food I eat, but I eat slowly. I count 30 chews or more, for each mouthful I eat (obviously it varies according to the consistency of the food... mashed potato doesn't actually need chewing, so I eat some of it on the same forkful as something that does! Hard-boiled eggs are ok after 15 chews...) and I never put food in my mouth, while there is still any remnant of the last mouthful in there...

 

I'm going to try this as well.

 

About the water, I never drink during meals. I read once that it's not good for you so I just stopped doing it. I drink like 10 minutes after a meal and it actually helps to feel not so full after eating..

 

Just because you're a sex addict for example..doesn't give you the right to rape someone for example or take advantage of them to have sex, there has to be a degree of self-control somewhere regardless of your issues, a line in the sand...having an addiction doesn't equate to being completely irresponsible for your actions/behavior and justifying everything through that.

 

Ninjainpajamas, how can you even make that comparison???

It's funny your whole post sounds just like my ex, he used to say the exact things you just did.

 

I guess it's a matter of, some people just don't believe that a person might have an addiction that's out of their control. Or a quirk they can't control... I understand.

 

Obviously it's a problem that I have to deal with, yes. And yes, obviously it's wrong to eat everything and not leave any for the other. I totally understand that, you should know this. But understand that this addiction is real. It didn't help that my ex didn't believe me and kept saying it was not an addiction but a matter of selfishness.

 

There was just no empathy...

Link to post
Share on other sites
loveweary11

 

 

Enjoy your meal.

Prepare it lovingly for yourself, and mentally thank it for helping you become the 'you' you personally wish to be.

 

Sounds dumb, but try to think of the associated labour and effort made to bring your food to your plate, from the initial conception, and manufacture, processing and packing, by countless faceless individuals....Where did your food begin?

How did it finally end up on your dish?

 

All these thoughts show 'gratitude'.

And ultimately, you need to be grateful to yourself, for caring enough to want to make a difference, to YOU.

 

This is very interesting. A few years back, while preparing something plant based, from a beautiful plant I picked myself to eat in nature, I realized this beautiful plant gave up its life so that I may live. Same as any animal.

 

This is why you won't find a scrap of food thrown away in my house. None.

 

I feel like it is the ultimate dishonor to the animal or plant that made the ultimate sacrifice for me to waste that which it gave me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas
Ninjainpajamas, how can you even make that comparison???

It's funny your whole post sounds just like my ex, he used to say the exact things you just did.

 

Because they're addictions, they're basically;

- things that you cannot control

- things you are tempted to do without the consent or agreement of someone else

- affect your life and others around you in an indirect/direct way

 

They may not be tit for tat "equal" in the respect that you basically just go from left and right linking every detail to the EXACT other addiction, but fundamentally it all works the same way if you're not trying to biased towards your own condition.

 

"Addictions" are behaviors that are not controlled by the person/individual, because everyone at some points makes a choice, regardless of the consequences. You merely seem to think that your issue requires a special treatment and understanding that takes precedence over how anybody else around you feels.

 

Maybe if you took more responsibility for your behavior you'd be able to see how it affects others.

 

When/If you do finally turn that corner with your issues, you will realize that it came down to being tougher on yourself and making those choices...as difficult and overwhelming as they may be.

 

Because blaming everything on an intangible "addiction" does not give you a free ticket out of jail...you are still responsible for your behavior, you have to own that.

 

And as a responsible person, you should do what you must to show that responsibility...but you made no effort, just blabbing and excuses, expecting understanding and empathy at every turn.

 

I guess it's a matter of, some people just don't believe that a person might have an addiction that's out of their control. Or a quirk they can't control... I understand.

 

Obviously it's a problem that I have to deal with, yes. And yes, obviously it's wrong to eat everything and not leave any for the other. I totally understand that, you should know this. But understand that this addiction is real. It didn't help that my ex didn't believe me and kept saying it was not an addiction but a matter of selfishness.

 

There was just no empathy...

 

Has nothing to do with "believing" you, what are you doing to be responsible for your own addiction? It's not a free pass...you may not be responsible or held up to the same standard as someone else without an addiction, but it doesn't mean you don't try and make efforts to show that you are being responsible aware and attempting to do what you can in spite of your mistakes...it's not about being perfect, it's about driving to the damn store and replacing what you ate for Christ sake instead talking yourself out of it and blaming him for not being understanding for eating his snacks...it's the principle that seems to elude you.

 

You have the conscious and intelligence to do that, you are aware of your own issues and what actions you take because of that, but you've made little attempt to correct them or take responsibility for them, you just sweep them under the "addiction" rug like that makes it excusable entirely.

 

The addiction can be real, but it doesn't excuse the behavior...you still have to be a respectful adult unfortunately, and when you only act out of your own emotions and interest it's no surprise you're not going to get anyone close to you that has to deal with it to feel empathy for you.

 

This is not a forgiving world, but for some reason whenever it comes to food in this society, we're supposed to all hold hands and feel sorry for everyone.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I totally understand what you're saying Ninjainpajamas...

 

I'm not denying that it is MY problem, and ME who needs to solve it.

But I can't control it. I cannot control it. Not at this moment.

 

Am I working on how I will become able to control it? Yes. But can I do it in an instant? No.

 

And about that I didn't make any effort...I did!! Healthy groceries and telling him not to bring snacks...Obviously it wasn't enough effort, but it's not I didn't make any?

 

So I do need help. All the help I can get. And it's sabotaging rather than helping, when your SO comes around with all the tasty snacks you don't but because you are trying to help yourself...

 

See what I mean? I can't do it on my own...

 

Actually, I can and perfectly am doing it on my own now, but if I had an SO in my life, I would need his help with it.

 

It's exactly like Taramaiden's example with her husband. That would help. My ex used to bring some for me too, and ask me repeatedly if I was sure I didn't want any. Or he would just bring candy and put it on the table..

 

It's just not fair to tell me that I should fix it all on my own, all the while he's trying to sabotage by holding carrots (candies in my case) in front of me...

Edited by SerCay
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not denying that it is MY problem, and ME who needs to solve it.

But I can't control it. I cannot control it. Not at this moment.

I'm going to call you on this one.

 

I am also a food addict. I have been perpetually overweight and fighting the addiction for over forty years.

 

For me - what has worked in the past and what I need to get back to - is South Beach; greatly reducing carbs and processed food, limiting myself to beef only once a week and eating mostly fish and vegetables.

 

However, you CAN control it. You just need to turn the switch on in your head that makes YOU the strong person.

 

I know because I am sitting here in the same boat; I have gained 40 pounds since I met and married a great guy and I live in a household with teenagers who have to have tons of junk food around. And I have fallen prey to binge-eating their food as well.

 

Both of us can do this - but it can't be with anyone else's assistance. It is an internal decision and only you and I can be accountable and control what we put in our mouths. No one else can help us with it.

 

Hopefully you can find the strength to stop - as I need to find the strength. The difference is that I have been there and know that it is an entirely personal decision. I know that I have stop just like you know you have to stop.

 

And I agree with others: Dump the boyfriend. You need to be and live on your own for a while. Love yourself first and then it will be easier to be loved and to love.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, if there are repeated HUGE fights over something this small, I'd say there is a much bigger problem with the R than just food sharing. So ditching such a relationship might be a good idea, if all attempts to resolve the core issue fail.

 

But that aside... yes I would be annoyed too if I bought something and the SO ate all of it without telling me. The reason isn't the money or that I don't want to share (heck we usually just get one bill at the cashier's, even though we pick our items from the shelves individually) - it's because I'd make my meal plans assuming that whatever I bought still has at least a couple of portions remaining, and then I'd get everything else ready to cook/eat and a key ingredient is all of a sudden missing. So either I make a crappy meal with ingredients missing, or am forced to revise my plans entirely, or am forced to go emergency grocery shopping. None of the above are pleasant options, especially if it occurs repeatedly.

 

This has never been a problem for us because my SO just doesn't do that, but I can imagine how it'd feel if he did. And I refrain from doing that with the food he picks up as well unless he explicitly says it's just for me - I think it's only considerate.

 

I know the obvious answer is to avoid binging, but if you absolutely couldn't stop yourself then you should've gone out and bought a replacement after binging. This might actually provide reinforcement to stop binging, due to the inconvenience caused.

Edited by Elswyth
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't like how some people use the word "addiction" to absolve themselves from bad behaviors

 

I also do not believe in "addictions", cuz when you look at the reasons "why" someone does something "addictive", you can address the so-called "addition".

 

For example, people who drink excessively. When you sit down and tap into them, you can usually come to find out they drink to numb some feeling and/or do not want to experience "life" so the alcohol/drugs numb them.

 

A woman called my fav podcaster (and many do) about her food addition. My fav podcaster gave her an exercise where my fav podcaster ordered her to go for a candy bar and eat it - but, when she was to eat it, she was to take a look at a picture of her kids/husband and ask if she wanted to continue to hurt herself over preserving herself/health for her family.

 

Another, she told the woman to get out of the house and take a walk. She told the woman literally to find "something" to do. The woman was perplexed cuz she didn't know "what" to do.

 

See, thing is, people who overeat either have self-esteem/loathing issues - so they eat to death. They also may be bored. Physical activity - even just a small walk around the corner stimulates positive endorphins to help with these issues supporting a food "addiction"....but, like most "addictions", it's easier to shoot up the drug, drink the booze, and/or eat the food instead of getting off your duff and fighting the urges that make you do the so-called "addictive" behaviors...

 

So yes, addiction or not, it boils down to will power and YOU and only YOU are in control of that - not the "addiction".

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
It sounds like neither one of you were respecting the other's wishes. He wasn't respecting yours by bring in food you were trying to avoid, and you for not leaving it off limits.

 

So sounds like a good discussion piece for the both of you.

 

I am married and so obviously we do share food but we each have treats that are just "mine/his" and we don't want others to eat. We hide them from the kids as well. :laugh:

 

I understand, prior to this pregnancy I had a big sugar addiction so needed/wanted to have candy around. It is less of an issue now since I don't crave sugar so I don't care what is here any more.

 

It is an ebb and flow for us, I make sure we have the food everyone needs and the treats we want and we try and respect each other on said treats. Hubby has his "cheesy puffs" that he loves and is very unhappy if someone finished the last bag without his knowledge. :laugh:

 

So speak to him about respecting each other's needs and wants and this is a great example for you two to use.

 

Agree.

 

There seems to be lots of different issues, including the food addiction, tied up with this fridge and food sharing situation.

 

I've never had any food sharing problems in my relationships. But like you pointed out, there are some foods I like for myself and will buy it specifically for myself. Even though I don't mind sharing, if my SO ate ALL of them (which you say you do OP), I'd be quite annoyed. If you're eating ALL of them, it's no longer sharing, it's him buying snacks and you eating them all lol. I also had a roommate once where she would eat the last of things I had, which was so upsetting to me. It wasn't that I had a problem sharing if I had multiple things, but it's annoying when you were looking forward to that last popsicle or whatever the thing is that you bought for yourself and then someone else eats it. Just because you're having sex doesn't change that. I think courtesy still applies in relationships and for me, if my SO bought some snacks, esp if there is only one left, I'd ask them before eating it or if there are 5, I'll eat one, even 2, not ALL of them. The latter makes you seem inconsiderate and like you have no conscience.

 

He needs to be understanding about your issues and not bring the tempting foods around you or leave them in your fridge and for you, I mean, I get having a food addiction, but I do think there can be boundaries in terms of not eating other people's food. Or like he says, buying them back if you do. But I don't think there is much of an excuse to just eat them all every time and never buy them back and expect he should be happy about it. That's not sharing at all.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...