Jump to content

Casual Sex and Its Discontents


Recommended Posts

SycamoreCircle

Do you think men and women would be having more casual sex if there wasn't the historical example of rape, harassment and brutality against women?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm putting my money on making alcohol poisonous. Then you'd be impressed with how the casual sex rate will be crushing down... :D

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

In the US in the '70s, women WERE having lots of casual sex. They were pretty much all on birth control pills and there were no really serious diseases then. Never heard of herpes or AIDs back then. There was no reason not to. So plenty of women had lots of casual sex. It has more to do with disease. But yes, of course, safety in other ways is also a consideration.

 

I have to say i remember zero judging of women who had casual sex back then like it is now where everyone thinks it's their business what a person's number is. I get being cautious because of disease, but a lab test is much more reliable than finding out what someone's number is.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you think men and women would be having more casual sex if there wasn't the historical example of rape, harassment and brutality against women?

 

I believe that the circumstances you mentioned - rape, harassment, brutality against women - are not issues that affect whether or not casual sex is on the table.

 

I believe the issue affecting yea/nay on casual sex is the "bonding" that takes place between people and the preservation of oneself.

 

Like it or not, women cannot have sex like men - even in casual situations. When they have sex, they bond - it's like a piece of them breaks off and "links" to that guy. So, that's why you see a lot of women justifying bad RLs and/or doing other Krazy stuff for guys - especially if he dumps them. It's cuz that physiological bond took place.

 

For the women that "do" engage in casual sex (i.e. prostitutes) - whether they wanna agree or not - it chips away at their psyche and/or they may be emotionally damaged (i.e. bad childhood).

 

This lady wrote a book about the "hook-up culture" and she was motivated by a college student who came to see her who was having some trouble keeping up with classes and stuff - after talking to the student - come to find out she was upset from her latest dude that dumped her and was engaging in casual sex in college. There was a thread here recently where it appears a young woman was battling "depression" but, if you read the thread - it appears that it had "something" to do with her failing RL with her bf - not some disease, etc.

 

That's why while I don't have as many notches on my bedpost as some women now a days in their 20's do - I'm not looking just for some hook-up at this point in my life. And yes, I do have "intimacy" issues and not looking for the whole "white picket fence", kids and marriage stuff - I'm not looking to just sleep around either.

 

Women just weren't built to have sex like men can...

 

Now yes, while men can have sex with a woman they are not necessarily attached to - at the same time, from what I've seen, when men treat sex and/or women so casually, it lowers a man's ability to respect and/or bond with women.

 

I also know of men who've said that they have to sorta get to know a woman - even before they're gonna have sex with her in a non-serious RL. They just can't perform like robots and/or as if the woman was a blow-up doll with a pulse.

 

Oh gosh, months ago that religious guy that comes on TV like after 1AM raised this point....he was like he figured out why women - after they get married, don't want sex that much anymore. He attributed it to how women - even if they don't have casual sex before marriage - give out sex in each/every "RL" they engage in before they marry and once they marry, it's hard for their husband to "reach" them cuz they already "been there/done that".

 

It was interesting how he broke it down so it made sense...and I agree with him. First time I've heard someone give an explanation on how married women loose interest in sex besides her being lazy and/or uninterested cuz of kids, her job and/or the simple fact she "got" the guy and now just wants to sit back and coast w/o sexing him.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SycamoreCircle

I agree completely, preraph. My older brother has explained things with the same frame of reference. In fact...

 

Being that he is a cinephile and turned me into a cinephile, careful observation will reveal that films back in the 70's also had a much looser, experimental feel to them than films of the 80's, 90's or now. Post-disease. That may seem like common logic, but I'm not just speaking about the more pronounced examples of experimental film of the 70's. Take a film like Five Easy Pieces with Jack Nicholson---there's a casualness to the way the story unfolds, never mind the fact that the story is about a sociopath. Compare that to a modern day film which has as its focus a sociopath---Gone Girl or Foxcatcher. Much more rigid, linear and causal.

Edited by SycamoreCircle
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SycamoreCircle

But Gloria, how do you account for the salacious profiles I often see on OK Stupid with women in revealing lingerie and tantalizing poses, specifically seeking casual sex encounters with other women?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sex is just about the only thing I can think of that can't be casual.

 

I agree. I don't even understand casual sex and would never want to have it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SycamoreCircle
I agree. I don't even understand casual sex and would never want to have it.
Nor I. But what is your age, if you don't mind me asking? I feel we are products of our generation. As preraph eloquently explained, there was a time when men and women had more sex with more partners.
Link to post
Share on other sites

to me, casual sex is a result of increased connectivity, anonymity and false sense of security. People can give in to their basic needs by getting in touch with perfect strangers, with practically no consequences on their social, emotional or professional life. they can live all of their deepest, darkest and most secret fantasies.

 

I also think that today's society gives a false sense of security, as people still don't understand that 0 risk does not exist - from a health perspective / from any perspective, actually.

 

People with no boundaries, people with no values, people who have been emotionally abused, people with no conscience or simply people who're looking for a short, well defined "good time" and nothing more, people seeking to lose control for a short while... there's absolutely no common characteristic to those who engage in casual sex. Sometimes in happens... other times people actively seek it... there's everything for anyone, on this planet.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Nor I. But what is your age, if you don't mind me asking? I feel we are products of our generation. As preraph eloquently explained, there was a time when men and women had more sex with more partners.

 

I'm in my 40's but I don't think younger people really like it either. They are just brainwashed from the media that they are supposed to like that and dislike anything else. Then many they do it and learn that they don't like it. I will say that casual sex does serve well those who are commitmentphobic or misanthropic.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SycamoreCircle

I think we also live in a time and a setting(the West) where rules and regulations ABOUND. One of the most striking things to me traveling in Southeast Asia back in 2001 was the level of freedom and interdependence. It didn't seem like every facet of life was trying to be controlled.

 

My God, consider insurance companies, surveillance, waivers, etc. It's just...crippling. In God We Trust has been replaced by Trust No One. It's a climate of fear, of one-upmanship, fierce competivity, sociopathy, individualism and suspicion.

 

Not exactly the best mood for bumpin' n' grindin'...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I sort of... disagree. A lot of people are having casual sex. Not all of them are happy with it and seek something more meaningful... but in the meantime, they are having meaningless sex, because it's far better than no sex at all and it's awful consequences: feeling lonely - being alone, disconnected and left alone with one's thoughts. of course, in the end, they still get to feel that way... but not when / while they're engaging with their partners. Easy fix.

 

I do believe most people today have casual sex as a means of escapism / immediate gratification or as a means to soothe their own perception of their own worth.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think we also live in a time and a setting(the West) where rules and regulations ABOUND. One of the most striking things to me traveling in Southeast Asia back in 2001 was the level of freedom and interdependence. It didn't seem like every facet of life was trying to be controlled.

 

My God, consider insurance companies, surveillance, waivers, etc. It's just...crippling. In God We Trust has been replaced by Trust No One. It's a climate of fear, of one-upmanship, fierce competivity, sociopathy, individualism and suspicion.

 

Not exactly the best mood for bumpin' n' grindin'...

 

 

you're thinking too much. highly overanalysing. One of my male's friends best friends sleeps around like there's no tomorrow. He's got a good job too in a bank, no dirtbag. All you need is almost no mental or moral barriers. Like simply.... doing it. NEver been easier to engage. Nowadays, it's quite easy to find partners willing to satisfy you, as long as you're upfront - to yourself first - with it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think we also live in a time and a setting(the West) where rules and regulations ABOUND. One of the most striking things to me traveling in Southeast Asia back in 2001 was the level of freedom and interdependence. It didn't seem like every facet of life was trying to be controlled.

 

My God, consider insurance companies, surveillance, waivers, etc. It's just...crippling. In God We Trust has been replaced by Trust No One. It's a climate of fear, of one-upmanship, fierce competivity, sociopathy, individualism and suspicion.

 

Not exactly the best mood for bumpin' n' grindin'...

 

So you feel you've been brainwashed in the opposite way?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SycamoreCircle

Personally, I don't feel I'm cut out for casual sex. I really wouldn't mind seeing you again. Tomorrow? Sure, I'm not doing anything. Want to go to the beach? Great!

 

See, already it's becoming something else.

 

But...

 

Every now and then it would be nice to just dial up and have someone come over and have sex with you. It takes some level of dedication, though, I imagine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well if it was like that, then you wouldn't be the only one they'd be sleeping with.

 

Are you okay sleeping with a girl who's been with 3 other guys that week?

Link to post
Share on other sites

People who actively seek casual sex have managed to alter the way they see their partners, IMHO. I think they objectify them - almost dehumanizing them. I mean - that mate of my friend has already been sleeping with 20 something women already, this year alone - and we're only in July. I doubt he remembers all of their names... It takes a certain... disconnection, to be able to do it properly. Mental. Emotional. It's freakin' scary, if you ask me.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker

Dunno, as I can't really wrap my mind around being that intimate with someone you're not in love with & vise versa. I can kinda understand some people doing it when they are young & experimenting. Not being a female, I don't know what role the thought of past or possible abuse has on their decisions to engage in sex.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember reading this book about how men think (typically female, I know). Basically, the dude writing the book was saying that everytime men want to think / or say something it's about sex, it's actually not. And the other way around, when they try to say or demonstrate something is not about sex... it's actually about sex.

 

Having loads of casual sex - being a lady's man... may offer some people an ego boost, a field in which they are successful. Look at the careers of men busy sleeping around, just how insanely successful are they? Or emotional life. Or social life. This highly promiscuous sexual behaviour is too... in your face for it to not be about something else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SycamoreCircle
I remember reading this book about how men think (typically female, I know). Basically, the dude writing the book was saying that everytime men want to think / or say something it's about sex, it's actually not. And the other way around, when they try to say or demonstrate something is not about sex... it's actually about sex.
Hmm...interesting. I always am a little weirded out by people who nonchalantly celebrate sex in conversation. Ex: "Uh-huh, I'm gettin' my freak on tonight! My free-free."

 

"We went at it so long, the mirrors started breathing heavily..."

 

"Cuz' my man...he's what's known as GGG..."

 

:o

 

I feel like the people are prompting a discourse about something else, really. What, I'm not sure. It seems inflated past the point of believability. I guess we want sex to be more miraculous than it really is.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree completely, preraph. My older brother has explained things with the same frame of reference. In fact...

 

Being that he is a cinephile and turned me into a cinephile, careful observation will reveal that films back in the 70's also had a much looser, experimental feel to them than films of the 80's, 90's or now. Post-disease. That may seem like common logic, but I'm not just speaking about the more pronounced examples of experimental film of the 70's. Take a film like Five Easy Pieces with Jack Nicholson---there's a casualness to the way the story unfolds, never mind the fact that the story is about a sociopath. Compare that to a modern day film which has as its focus a sociopath---Gone Girl or Foxcatcher. Much more rigid, linear and causal.

 

Listen, I know a lot of people blame the seventies for everything, but it was the music renaissance of all time. The best music ever came out in that era and just before in the mid to late sixties. It was one big creativity explosion. People thought of having birth control and the changing times (including a lot of drugs) as a key unlocking their prison door. For us it was exploration and experimentation, and we felt privileged to be the first generation of women who could do it -- and knowing we were the first, it almost felt like a duty to to explore.

 

The tone was so much different then. One of my bosses once said he'd never hire someone who didn't at least have enough curiosity to have tried pot. I agree with him. Movies were edgier and sexier without being as overtly sexual or violent as they are today. There were a lot of firsts. And that period and some time in the late sixties were a time of first freedom for women and a whole lot of them embraced it fully. I mean, if you're in a position for the first time in the history of the world to be able to have sex without fear of pregnancy, aren't you kind of a squid not to think that's a pretty big deal and that you ought to at least see what it's all about? My generation, at least in my wider circle, were dedicated to not getting knocked up and were anxious to exercise the choices this provided in the way of career. I think things were better balanced then than they are now in many ways. And it was in that atmosphere when gays first began coming out as well, paving the way for what happened last week. Even racial tensions seemed to be lowkey during those years, at least in the urban areas.

 

One of my favorite movies of that period was "Eyes of Laura Mars."

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Dunno, as I can't really wrap my mind around being that intimate with someone you're not in love with & vise versa. I can kinda understand some people doing it when they are young & experimenting. Not being a female, I don't know what role the thought of past or possible abuse has on their decisions to engage in sex.
Interesting. I used to think that sex and intimacy went hand-in-hand when I was in my teens and early 20's. But then I got intimate with someone, and I understood the difference, at least for me.

 

Sex can be very intimate or very distant, or in-between, but it all depends upon the dynamic between the people involved and whether they're on the same page.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Loads of softies on here.

 

I had been through a terrible heart break and needed to get over the guy. I also have needs too, esp I had been single for over 6 years. Went on a spree. Don't regret it at all. At the time I didn't understand it, but soo glad none of the experiences turned into relationships.

 

The recent few times I've had it casual was really bad.... When you're past the age of 30, you should really know how to kiss someone. Ugh.

 

Out of the blue, I meet this handsome German gentleman, I couldn't go through with it. Not for one night. Intuition is a beautiful thing. I knew I would have fallen for him. At the same time, I almost regret it. It's only recently I've learned about sex is about exchanging energies with someone. I should have done it with him. One night of fantasy. O well.

 

So yes, it is hard not to get attached, but doesn't mean it isn't do-able for a woman to have meaningless sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...